Single Men Living Aboard and Cruising... an honest look.

[Exile]

Well said, Gamayun. An extraordinary story.

[piloto]

Originally Posted by Exile

Well said, Gamayun. An extraordinary story.

Merry Christmas and to all a good life.

[owly]

Originally Posted by gamayun

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Guys! Owly just told a lovely, poignant story of him about to spend Christmas alone with a full itinerary and then getting invited to a family party by a cute neighbor kid with lots of people and then BAMPOWABUNGA!!!! Next thing he knows he has been propositioned by the couple to help them conceive. I am having a hard time reconciling the depth of this ask with the awkwardness. Do we let this go without another thought? Owly, I hope you know what a huge compliment they endowed upon you. And what a burden, too. It will not likely ever be forgotten. Cheers to you, good sir

Gam:
I took that proposition as the greatest of compliments. The finest of Christmas gifts. As I said, this is absolutely NOT something I would ever consider. As a friend and neighbor it would be a very awkward and uncomfortable situation to watch as a child I had fathered was raised just across the street. Just imagine how that would be structured, and what the emotional and potential relationship consequences of that would be. Do you keep it secret from the child, or out in the open from the beginning, or at what stage is it revealed that he or she has three parents, not two? Can the father truly bond with the child as his own, and could I let go, and stay in the background? How does that work in a tight knit rural community such as this?

I am at a loss as to why me?? The single local person I've been able to talk to about this, a trusted female friend who I can trust never to repeat the story, was quick to say that she knew exactly why they chose me, but didn't elaborate.
I resolved many years ago NOT to procreate, basically for social and environmental reasons. In this overpopulated world, I don't feel that my "contribution" is needed or necessary, and in terms of sheer numbers staying out of the picture could contribute more. That resolve has never faltered over those many years, nor did it Christmas night. There are far more valuable contributions that any of us can make than to simply increase numbers.

In any case they would be far better off to enlist a faceless contributor from a sperm bank. Where you can choose the genetics you want from a catalogue. There is more to choosing parents than what you can read in a catalogue, but most of that is in parenting.

Interesting isn't it, that I can share that here where nobody knows me, but there are probably only about two people I "know", that I would venture to speak of it with. You can share something truly private with strangers, but not with friends for fear that it will slip out.
As far as the parenting aspect, I've always made an effort to contribute, with the conviction that every responsible adult IS a parent, weather they have children of their own or not. A parent of convenience when the need or opportunity arises. "in loco parentis"
My friends will have to do without my biological contribution, as I see far too much complication in it.


H.W.

[gamayun]

Thank you for sharing, H.W. Interesting what you say about not being able to talk openly about it within your own local community. I felt it was important that we didn't miss the significance of such a request and that you had a platform for your thoughts. We do have a fun online community here that can be (and mostly is) open and sympathetic to each other whether it's about boat projects, silly questions or personal lives all connected by a love for being on the water. It's also what this time of season should be all about. So Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and here's wishing everyone a most wonderful New Year!

[flyingnut40]

Thanks G,
All the best to you and yours in the year ahead!
See..... kick starting this thread gave a number of us a distraction during the holiday break....
But, I wonder if you might have been correct...… do we NEED to reopen this.....I think you MIGHT have nailed it.....lol.

[resoluute]

That really hit the nail on the head,as for my ducks are lined up like a"mofo" you state you have plenty of money but cant afford to fix my boat ,or pay a professional more than $15 dollars per hr. that's a real unicorn.You keep making a case why a boat sucks and you should be doing something else, you have answered your own question your a landlubber staying on a boat.

[flyingnut40]

Did I miss something here????
Or did we switch universes???

[Exile]

Must be responding to the OP from 2500 posts & 4+ years ago.

[CarinaPDX]

I respect (and agree with) owly's position, and thank him for the tale. I do have one correction: assuming sperm banks provide anonymous donors is a thing of the past. With all of the voluntary DNA testing that has happened recently it is a simple matter of getting one done and uploading the resulting file to gedmatch.com. It is nearly certain that the families can be identified, and often the individuals (and if not a little sleuthing will provide answers). You may have noticed that is how the Golden State killer was finally caught. Recently a doctor who had donated his sperm to a local hospital for research, under the condition that no more than 5 women would be inseminated and that they would be on the east coast, has been inundated by no less than 18 descendants who found him through DNA testing - some right here. There are no secrets anymore...

Greg

[gamayun]

I love unicorns and skippering through universes, too.

And for those who have loved and lost, I'm thinking about you too. What's the saying? It's better to have loved than never to have been loved at all? I hope that's not too trite a reflection on the depth of some of your losses.

For the 2020 New Year, I also promise to race more with B, my good friend who cut her teeth with me while we were learning how to sail; to have Kynntana and I all relaxed and ready in time for the PacCup so my crew can have an amazing fun race; to not yell back when my good friend M helps with boat projects that sometimes go sideways and panic ensues; to sail more when my son visits instead of doing boat projects; and to visit my mom more

[Pelagic]

I wonder if we will all have better vision of what is right in 2020?
[emoji4]

[owly]

Originally Posted by CarinaPDX

I respect (and agree with) owly's position, and thank him for the tale. I do have one correction: assuming sperm banks provide anonymous donors is a thing of the past. With all of the voluntary DNA testing that has happened recently it is a simple matter of getting one done and uploading the resulting file to gedmatch.com. It is nearly certain that the families can be identified, and often the individuals (and if not a little sleuthing will provide answers). You may have noticed that is how the Golden State killer was finally caught. Recently a doctor who had donated his sperm to a local hospital for research, under the condition that no more than 5 women would be inseminated and that they would be on the east coast, has been inundated by no less than 18 descendants who found him through DNA testing - some right here. There are no secrets anymore...

Greg

Greg:
I'm well aware of the genetic testing thing............. but it is a horse of a far different color to have an adult offspring track you down than to have him or her grow up right in front of you.

How do you negotiate the appropriate role and relationship. Just the fact of being right there is a constant reminder to the functional father that he is not the biological father. The relationship dynamics would be extremely difficult to work out, and the potential for conflict high.

When I see parenting I don't agree with, I can pass it off as "none of my business", but if I have "skin in the game" so to speak, the whole equation changes. It would take 3 very open minded people to pull that off smoothly, constant and completely honest communication. I look around me at divorced couples with children and how poorly that often works out.....

I wouldn't even consider such a thing unless I found out I was "terminal" or something.


H.W.

[AndyEss]

A good time of year to contemplate our wakes (however long they might be) and prepare for future journeys - where ever we may end up.
Our lives are like ripples in an ocean of experiences - very quickly gone, but we all have effects on those we touch.
Have a happy New Year everyone.

[CarinaPDX]

Originally Posted by owly

Greg:
I'm well aware of the genetic testing thing............. but it is a horse of a far different color to have an adult offspring track you down than to have him or her grow up right in front of you.

How do you negotiate the appropriate role and relationship. Just the fact of being right there is a constant reminder to the functional father that he is not the biological father. The relationship dynamics would be extremely difficult to work out, and the potential for conflict high.

When I see parenting I don't agree with, I can pass it off as "none of my business", but if I have "skin in the game" so to speak, the whole equation changes. It would take 3 very open minded people to pull that off smoothly, constant and completely honest communication. I look around me at divorced couples with children and how poorly that often works out.....

I wouldn't even consider such a thing unless I found out I was "terminal" or something.


H.W.

Of course I understood how uncomfortable, and unpredictable, your situation would have been - it was wise to demur. I was reacting to this:

In any case they would be far better off to enlist a faceless contributor from a sperm bank.

There is no such thing as a faceless contributor anymore. Whether wise or not, so many Americans have uploaded their DNA to GEDmatch.com that 60% of European descent Americans can probably be identified now, and that number will be over 90% in a few years. For sperm or egg donors that means that children will be able to identify them at a fairly young age, like it or not, and the decision to make contact will be in their hands. And this is retroactive: past donors, and biological parents from casual encounters, unwanted mates, or infidelities (or whatever the PC term is) are able to be exposed or soon will be. A good read: https://www.pbs.org/newshour/science...y-questionable .

Here is an article about the sperm donor doctor with all of the unwanted children, also worth reading: https://www.oregonlive.com/news/2019...5-million.html

The larger point is that "there are no more secrets". Whether it is a whistleblower disclosing the secrets, or your phone continually uploading your location, contacts, searches, or an Experian getting hacked for your identification, including security question answers, credit scores, etc,, or of course Facebook, there is precious little that cannot be known about almost anyone or anything these days. The days of keeping secrets, and being able to escape one's past by moving to a different state, are well in the rear view mirror.

Brave new world...

Greg

[gamayun]

I'll just leave this article linked here for those who are older, AND single, AND wanting a sailing partner whose interests and place in life coalesce with your own. According to the reasearch, men would likely have better luck finding a unicorn; it's even worse for women. To wit: "A 2017 study led by Michael Rosenfeld, a social demographer at Stanford University, found that the percentage of single, straight women who met at least one new person for dating or sex in the previous 12 months was about 50 percent for women at age 20, 20 percent at age 40, and only 5 percent at age 65. (The date-finding rates were more consistent over time for the men surveyed.)"

The Atlantic: What It’s Like to Date After Middle Age.
https://www.theatlantic.com/family/a...wsstand-family