Single, Female, and living aboard?

[daletournier]

Originally Posted by Morgan Stone

Actually she's not my partner, she's my wife. We aren't a corporation, we are a family, and have been so for more than 11 years.

As women, we are vulnerable anywhere, not just marinas and anchorages. Boating is particularly male dominated, so extra vigilance is required for women to participate in it (without a man), just as in any male dominated endeavor. Of course we're welcomed into marinas: they don't tend to turn away paying guests. The safety concerns for women-without-men: meaning, not visibly the property of, or under the protection of, are universal and not specific to boating.

Our experience has been that men tend to act highly entitled to our attention, our boat, our bodies, when they know there isn't another man in the picture. Denying these entitlements leads to insecurity in most men, which results in anything from demeaning, patronizing behavior (like dismissing our relationship by referring to my wife as my partner), to threats, actual physical violence, and even attempted rape. This reality is NOT limited to lesbians. It's a fact of life for pretty much any woman without a man. Those are the safety issues - and I think I just stumbled across something earthshatteringly obvious about the question asked in this thread: Single, Female and Living Aboard?

Maybe your responsible for creating your experience.......I read into your writing victim and aggressiveness, the poor minority look at me.

Sent from my vivo Y35 using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app

[CSailor]

Originally Posted by KiminAK

In re-reading Capt. Phil's post, I'm wondering if he was saying that he'd be shocked to find cruisers being aggressive against anyone for being gay.

Perhaps, but being lesbian (or gay) isn't visibly apparent (at least not in our case, and one has a choice to be visible or not); therefor it doesn't present a safety risk. But being female is impossible to hide, and then not being with a man becomes quickly apparent. I really don't think homophobia is an issue in the yachting community, but being man-less and female is. You are quite correct, KiminAK, Elena and I definitely look out for each other and that is a huge advantage. BUT there should be no reason why women shouldn't be able to go it single by choice.

Some of the precautions we take are: having mace within reach, having a recording of a big dog barking and ready to go on the sound system, having air horns in easy reach, huge men's running shoes tossed carelessly by the companionway (or on the dock), a few ratty, large men's briefs drying on the lifelines really classes up the boat and sends a pretty clear message. We've even recruited our male friends to argue and belch and do guy things on mp3 for quick replay on the sound system. AND we're really careful about who we let on board or reveal our manlessness to.

Kind of the same things manless (or single) women might do around their inner-city flats.

With these precautions we feel pretty safe. But unlike single women in inner-city flats, there isn't a community of us to share these helpful safety hints with, in the yachting community. Let's come together, women, so we can get as much out of sailing as the guys (now if only there was a feminist smilie I could close this sentence with). Hear me roar!

[kmacdonald]

Thanks for the warning. We all appreciate it.

[Gadagirl]

As you can see, even in this forum, you'll have to deal with comments like this.......

Originally Posted by kmacdonald

Thanks for the warning. We all appreciate it.

Please don't let that discourage you. There are quite a few very knowledgeable females, single and married, that can contribute to your questions. There's also many a man here that are knowledgeable and considerate. Welcome! I'll look forward to reading about your travels, incites, concerns and questions.

[Capt Phil]

My apologies, Morgan... I didn't mean to offend you or your wife.
As far as safety in a marina goes, if you cruise anywhere in the US outside of CA, I would secure a CCW and remain armed particularly when outside the confines of a locked Marina.
My wife gained a pretty good reputation and her advice was sought out regularly on finishing bright work. She never had an issue other than the odd whistle when she walked the dock to a job.
Your lesson for me in political correctness is appreciated.
Cheers, Phil

[kmacdonald]

My apologies, Gadagird. I didn't mean to offend you. It's just that a female with her finger on the trigger of a can of pepper spray terrifies us. Sorry again.

[Sea Dreaming]

Originally Posted by kmacdonald

My apologies, Gadagird. I didn't mean to offend you. It's just that a female with her finger on the trigger of a can of pepper spray terrifies us. Sorry again.

Hmmm...just how much experience with pepper spray have you had?

[Tacmed]

Originally Posted by Morgan Stone

I know of two women (long distance) cruisers without men. Me and my wife! Yup, I'm a woman with one of those aforementioned, gender-hiding monikers.

Soooo, single: NO. Looking for friends: ABSOLUTELY. Looking for adventure: TOTALLY.

Would love to know if there's others out there of the F persuasion, doing the same thing. Sure, we're a lesbian, cruising couple (only couple we know of, and we've been a lot of places - most of it really far offshore, though). Around marinas and anchorages we keep a low profile, for safety reasons.

How about it? Hands up, if you're a lesbian cruiser, or doing it without "the man" just because you can, and cuz you know, it's all about the adventure.

You are not alone. I know of a few MM &FF. The best part is, no one cares....just another couple.

[kmacdonald]

Originally Posted by Sea Dreaming

Hmmm...just how much experience with pepper spray have you had?

I was wondering when someone would ask.

Good to see you have a good sense of humor.

[Tacmed]

I just noticed...why do these conversations allways end up with male female pros and cons. That's all old school. Move on. Ladies, move on as well. I got, and still getting lessons from males and females. This is all just childish banter. It's 2017..no one cares any more.

[Sea Dreaming]

Originally Posted by daletournier

Maybe your responsible for creating your experience.......I read into your writing victim and aggressiveness, the poor minority look at me.

Sent from my vivo Y35 using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app

I've been ignoring this thread because I don't want to alienate anyone. But I sort of agree with Dales statement here. I think we do create our reality and we are often unaware that we are doing it.
Women in the US get a lot of messages about our vulnerability.
We are taught that we have to protect our selves. The message is good, we need to be aware and know what to do. But it also sends the message that we are victims from the get go.
It is a very mixed message!
The thing about real preditors, the folk you want to avoid, is that they ignore confident women. Confident women are too hard to get close to and just don't make the easy pickings they want. This is true for run of the mill slime balls too. Both types are looking for "the victim" vibe.

[Jd1]

Originally Posted by Morgan Stone

Actually she's not my partner, she's my wife.

Merriam-Webster has this to say about 'partner':

Definition of partner

1. 1 archaic : one that shares : partaker
2. 2a : one associated with another especially in an action : associate, colleague our military partners throughout the worldb : either of two persons who dance togetherc : one of two or more persons who play together in a game against an opposing side partners in card gamesd : a person with whom one shares an intimate relationship : one member of a couple Evan and his partner are going on a Caribbean cruise.
3. 3 : a member of a partnership especially in a business partners in a law firm; also : such membership
4. 4 : one of the heavy timbers that strengthen a ship's deck to support a mast —usually used in plural

So while there is such a thing as a partner in business, it is by no means the only meaning of the word 'partner'.

I for one am very proud to call my wife my partner - and would highly object if someone didn't appreciate the fact that she is my partner.
If your 'wife' is not your 'partner' then I fail to see why you are sailing together (unless of course you are trapped by customs or religion)



Based on what I read into your postings, I also believe that you bring a good portion of what you are afraid off on yourself. I don't really care if this is considered politically incorrect - this is how you come across to me.

[darylat8750]

Everyone should be aware of their security and surroundings. I'm older and not as spry as I used to be. When in a rough neighborhood I wear my old work jeans and walk with energy to appear that I have nothing worth knocking me down for and that I won't be as easy to knock down as some old guys. Male or female need same mind set.

[gamayun]

Originally Posted by Sea Dreaming

I've been ignoring this thread because I don't want to alienate anyone. But I sort of agree with Dales statement here. I think we do create our reality and we are often unaware that we are doing it.
Women in the US get a lot of messages about our vulnerability.
We are taught that we have to protect our selves. The message is good, we need to be aware and know what to do. But it also sends the message that we are victims from the get go.
It is a very mixed message!
The thing about real preditors, the folk you want to avoid, is that they ignore confident women. Confident women are too hard to get close to and just don't make the easy pickings they want. This is true for run of the mill slime balls too. Both types are looking for "the victim" vibe.

As a single female living and sailing her boat in a rough neighborhood with a pot dispensary across the street and a lot of homeless people nearby, I can't say that gender increases the risk (and studies bear this out), but our mindset increases our perceptions to the potential for risk. We can't change what others believe or think though. It's just who we are as individuals and the experiences we've faced over time.

[zeehag]

having worked in bad neighborhoods and,as a result, walking thru parking lots and nearly empty partially lighted innercity streets for over 30 yrs, i know ho wto walk thru areas in which i shoulda been murdered twice and raped 14 times each visit, according to the programming used in usa.
it is not the gender it is the mindset.
confidence is the best weapon you can hold-- it shows lack of fear and keeps you out of the victimization mindset.
not flaunting wealth of any kind also is a good idea.
handbags over the shoulder --false security. easily taken. money in pocket--easily picked.
be sensible. walk with confidence and keys between fingers.
you are what you are programmed to be. break that programming and think independently. you are not a victim, you are strong and confident and capable.