Jokes For The Scientific Mind

[hammerfelt]

Sounds like one of the car talk guys.

I should be such a Shining Wit (that's a spoonerism)

[CaptainK]

Score one point for each YES. Total score is % nerdity. Good luck!

1. Have you ever used a computer? (If the answer is no, try
taking the Baker House Purity test.)
2. Have you ever programmed a computer?
3. Have you ever built a computer?
4. Done #2 continuously for more than four hours?
5. Have you ever "fingered" anyone on a computer?
6. Did you enjoy it?
7. Do you wear glasses?
8. Are your glasses broken (e.g. taped) ?
9. Is your vision worse than 20/40?
10. Worse than 20/80?
11. Are you legally blind?
12. Have you ever asked a question in lecture?
13. Have you ever answered a question in lecture?
14. Have you ever corrected a professor?
15. Have you ever answered a rhetorical question?
16. Do you sit in the front row?
17. Do you take notes in more than one color?
18. Have you ever worn a calculator?
19. A pocket protector?
20. Have you ever used a microscope?
21. Have you ever used a telescope?
22. Have you ever used an oscilloscope?
23. Is your weight less than your IQ?
24. Have you ever done #2 on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday of
the same weekend?
25. Have you ever done #2 past 4 am?
26. Have you ever done #2 with someone of the appropriate (Either
or both, your choice) sex (besides your consultant)?
27. Have you ever done #2 for money?
28. Do you own a Rubik's Cube?
29. Can you solve it?
30. Without the book?
31. Without looking?
32. Do you have acne?
33. Do you have greasy hair?
34. Are you unaware of it?
35. Have you ever bought anything from Radio Shack?
36. Did you redesigned anything from Radio Shack?
37. Do you know how to use a sliderule?
38. Do you know calculus?
39. Do you know Maxwell's Equations?
40. Do you have them on a T-shirt?
41. Have you ever dissected anything?
42. Do you know pi past five decimal places?
43. Do you know e past five decimal places?
44. Do you own more than $500 in electronics (excluding stereo)?
45. More than $1000?
46. Have you ever built more than $1000 worth of electronics?
48. Have you ever designed a multistep chemical synthesis?
49. Was it fun?
50. Have you ever read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?
51. Was your math SAT more than 300 points higher than your verbal?
52. Have you ever worked on a Friday night?
53. While there's a party next door?
54. And wished that someone would invite you to over?
55. Have you ever played a computer game?
56. Done #55 in the last three months?
57. Done #55 in the last three weeks?
58. Have you ever written a computer game?
59. Are your pants too short?
60. Do your socks mismatch?
61. Have you used a chemistry set?
62. After the age of 13?
63. Have you ever played D&D (or other role-playing game)?
64. Since high school?
65. Have you ever entered a science fair?
66. Did you win?
67. Do you own a digital watch?
68. Does it play music?
69. Does it have a calculator?
70. Have you ever used a rare earth element?
71. Do you own a CRC?
72. Do you own a CRT?
73. Do you own an HP calculator?
74. Do you know how to use it?
75. Were you ever on a chess team?
76. Were you ever on a debate team?
77. Do you know more than three programming languages?
78. More than eight?
79. Have you ever made a technical joke?
80. Did no one get it?
81. Can you name more than ten Star Trek episodes?
82. Are you socially inept?
83. Do you own a pencil case?
84. Do you wear it?
85. Do you know Schrodinger's equation?
86. Have you ever solved it?
87. Have you ever used the word "asymptotic"?
88. Can you count in binary?
89. Have you ever broken into a computer system?
90. A government system?
91. Have you ever changed your bank account?
92. Changed someone else's?
93. Done #2 for money?
94. Have you ever inhaled helium?
95. Do you know the Latin name for a fruit fly?
96. Do you own anything that is radio controlled?
97. Have you ever interpolated?
98. Have you ever extrapolated?
99. Have you ever used a modem?
100. Have you ever reached sexual climax while doing #2?


RANK CLASSIFICATION
------------------------------------------
1-20 Totally cool, dude!
21-40 Your social life needs some serious help.
40-60 Nerd!
60-80 YOU need some serious help.
80-100 Hail, O Great Nerd Master. I have sacrificed some virgin,
untouched sliderules in your name.

Who you callin "NERD"?!?! In all fairness, I no longer have the calculater watch, and would have to consult you, K, for the names of Star Trek episodes I guess it would be unfair to include defunct programing languages such as CPM basic, and Machine language.
So K, what was your score?

Almost forgot, still have a slide rule, and still remember how to use it, and... I still bet I can prove it is faster than a calculator.

[Epicurean]

Why is this thread dead?

[GordMay]

Q: Anyone know any jokes about sodium?
A: Na.

Q: What does DNA stand for?
A: National Dyslexia Association.

[denverd0n]

There are 10 kinds of people in this world... Those who understand binary, and those who do not.

[Epicurean]

Here's a proof that all horses have an infinite number of legs. (This really only works orally so please read it out loud.)

Consider a horse. It has two legs in the back and fore legs in the front. Two legs and four legs make six legs. But six is an odd number of legs for a horse to have. Six is an even number. No finite number can be both odd and even. Therefore it must be infinite. QED

[CassidyNZ]

I stole this from the University at Albany website (hope it’s not a copyright infringement).

Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it ? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year that "It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

[GordMay]

Originally Posted by CassidyNZ

I stole this from the University at Albany website (hope it’s not a copyright infringement).
Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term ...

This apocryphal legend has antecedents in a 1920’s-era piece written by Dr. Paul Darwin Foote , a scientist noted for his pioneering work in the field of high temperature measurement, which appeared in the house organ of the Taylor Instrument Company. In that article, “The Temperature of Heaven and Hell,” Foote drew scientific deductions from descriptions of the states of various material substances to conclude that Heaven was hotter than Hell.
➥ Paul Foote - Hmolpedia

[Epicurean]

LARRY TESLER, PIONEER WHO INVENTED ‘CUT, COPY AND PASTE’ FOR COMPUTERS, DIES AT 74. Larry Tesler, pioneer who invented ‘cut, copy and paste’ for computers, dies at 74. Larry Tesler, pioneer who invented ‘cut, copy and paste’ for computers, dies at 74. Larry Tesler, pioneer who invented ‘cut, copy and paste’ for computers, dies at 74. Larry Tesler, pioneer who invented ‘cut, copy and paste’ for computers, dies at 74. Larry Tesler, pioneer who invented ‘cut, copy and paste’ for computers, dies at 74.

[Bill Seal]

My HP calculator has died (really), so i no longer know what 2<enter> 2<+> equals

[SeanPatrick]

Originally Posted by GordMay

Q: Anyone know any jokes about sodium?
A: Na.

Hey, you stole my thunder!


I was going to make a joke about sodium hydride, but ... NaH.


I was also going to make another joke about chemistry ... but all the good ones argon.

[StuM]

Originally Posted by Bill Seal

My HP calculator has died (really), so i no longer know what 2<enter> 2<+> equals

Ask Zciweisacul Naj