You dont have to make stuff up

[roberttigar]

We had the VHF on today. A marina responds to a boat coming in and say's:
"Captain, can you give us your measurements".
The captain responds: "I'm 5 foot 8 and weigh 175 lbs".

[GreenWave]

36-24-36 would have gotten my attention.

[Mirage35]

Oh, yes, can we please have a thread on funny stuff heard on the VHF? I need entertainment.

An example from Lake Ontario:

- unclear childrens' voices on CH 16

- US Coast Guard (officious voice): Inappropriate use of channel 16 is punishable by law, we have sensitive radio-location equipment and will locate you, blah, blah

- voices continue

- Canadian Coast Guard (in French): Go play somewhere else, kids

- silence returns to CH 16

[paulajayne]

Large military exercise in Germany mid 80s.

Radio silence in effect.

Silence is broken with --

" I'm P*ssed off"

Zero (HQ) comes on air. (All hell would rain down on them once know.)

"Hello unknown callsign identify yourself"

Unknown replies.

"I'm not that p*ssed off"

[Yellowtulip]

“Solent coastguard to yacht [whatever]. State your position, over.
Plummy-voiced reply:
“Well, actually, I’m managing director of a large company.”

[Mirage35]

Often we only hear the Coast Guard side of a conversation, and get to guess the conversation as they work through the questions. One example:

Question 1: What is your position?

Question 2: Well, do you know where you started from?

[marcjsmith]

Way back in the day long before cell phones. Folks would call in to a radio/telephone service to call home. of course its broadcast open air. Usually to let let the wife know that fishing trip is running late and wont be home, engine trouble, etc.



then about five minutes later another call to girlfriend to let them know that the coast was clear.

[Rumrace]

36-24-36 copy
Hotel sierra

[Mike OReilly]

The most amusing call I heard was when sailing in Thunder Bay. Normally there's virtually no traffic on the radio, so I really noticed when the VHF came alive with a thick-sounding eastern European voice:

"Little sailboat, Little sailboat, near Thunder Cape*; GET OUT OF THE WAY!"

I was close enough to see a massive salty cargo ship bearing down on a "little" sailing yacht. It quickly got, 'out of the way'.


*The entrance to Thunder Bay.

[Shrew]

Over the years, I think I've heard it all. The most chilling was an exchange we'd been listening too for some time. We were about 30 miles off-shore though we could hear both sides of the conversation between a recreational power boat taking on water and the CG. The power boat was out of site of land, no GPS, and they had no idea of their location. (Two adult males and two children on board) We listened for probably 2 hrs. until the last broadcast...

"CG be advised, this will be our last broadcast.....we're getting into the water now"

None of us said a word for at least 30+ min.

[Wolfe10]

Originally Posted by Mike OReilly

The most amusing call I heard was when sailing in Thunder Bay. Normally there's virtually no traffic on the radio, so I really noticed when the VHF came alive with a thick-sounding eastern European voice:

"Little sailboat, Little sailboat, near Thunder Cape*; GET OUT OF THE WAY!"

I was close enough to see a massive salty cargo ship bearing down on a "little" sailing yacht. It quickly got, 'out of the way'.


*The entrance to Thunder Bay.

Heard a variation of that from tow boat with 6 pack coming up the Houston Ship Channel:

LITTLE BOAT WITH GIRL ON THE ENGINE COVER--YOU ARE ABOUT TO BE A HOOD ORNAMENT! Followed very quickly by CG Galveston with more "nautical" requests.

[5BTM]

From my days of working on old Liberian tramps, (before *ucking about in little boats)

Hearing other ships hailing "Kent port control" meant you were approaching
Constanta, Romania, where a carton of KENT cigarettes was the only way to get anything done.

During Polish martial law and days of Solidarity, Polish fishing vessels reporting to the mother ship offshore on the number of defectors jumping ship in Halifax.

Two broken anchor links meant two defectors, etc.
One of them reported loosing his starboard anchor and entire chain.

After over seventy on anchor off Algiers and being ignored by Algiers radio.
"Algiers radio, this is Israeli naval vessel Moishe Dayan, calling Algiers radio"

[Bruce K]

Bareboat charterer in the Whitsundays in Oz, calling the charter base. "We've run out of anchors, can you send someone with some more"

[S/V Illusion]

As a power boat was coming into our fuel dock, the ‘skipper’ called one of his dock mates to inquire whether his boat had diesel or gas engines.

[El Pinguino]

A story told to me some 40 years ago by a Canadian.
A canadian drillship in Pireaus trying to raise Hellas Radio.
Getting no satisfaction as the lady operator keeps working greek ships and ignoring the Canadian. You know - greek ships with names like 'Courageous Colocotrinis' - that sort of thing. Not some boring name like 'Canuck Driller'
Losing patience the R/O reckons he knows how to get her attention - puts on best Greek accent.
'Hellas Radio, Hellas Radio - Gigantic Clitorus, Gigantic Clitorus'
On the instant a response 'Gigantic Clitorus - Hellas Radio - go ahead'.
Seems things went very quiet on frequency for a bit