Thinking About Going to the Dark Side for a Girl.

[ranger58sb]

Some bands are simply several independent musicians on the same stage doing the same song at the same time. Usually unbalanced... often cacophony.

Better bands are musicians whose main focus is complementing each other.

Better bands usually don't become that way by simply asking advice from strangers, although outside observation can sometimes help point the way. Instead, though, they caucus amongst themselves, identify common goals and methods, etc.

If your lady wants more space, she might see power or cat as the only alternatives. Maybe there are other ways to skin that cat (so to speak). Pilothouse monohull?

In any case, it may be more about the features she's after (e.g., space) and not the method of getting there (power, cat, etc.). That's input she can provide...

And sometimes, the musicians agree to move on...

-Chris

[boatman61]

Originally Posted by Sand crab

If I had those 5 girls on my boat I would be really really grateful.
And wouldn't care a bit.

And if I had the boat they were on.. I wouldn't need the girls..

[jtsailjt]

Originally Posted by satdiver

I did the small sailboat deal on an Alberg 37 alone for a while. I met my first wife which convinced me to move on land. When I wanted to move back aboard I comprised and bought what most would consider more boat than a couple would need which was a IP 485. We lasted a few months and divorced because I refused to move back to land.

I sold that boat and got an Alden 44 because it was a steal for what I paid for her. Now I've been dating this nice lady for a while who likes the liveaboard lifestyle.

She has been seeding me to go Motor or Cat since we have been visiting my friends. I can't ever see myself living on a motor yacht but I also can't see myself going to a cat. It's not my style and it's distressing to me.

This lady friend needs space and I don't know how to handle it. I've been quite honest and clear on my preference for living and crusing.

I'm now in my 30's with no kids and looking to have some but I'm pretty bullheaded about my boats. I don't want to compromise again though I know it's hard to find a women that will take this as a lifestyle choice.

I've been lucky in my career so I can go big if I want, but I don't want to buy a massive monohull nor do I want a cat and I defiantly don't want to go motor yacht or motor sailor.

Anyone ever been through this before with a spouse.?

She wants more space and you want to have a sailboat. You got a good deal on your Alden and those are beautiful boats, but wouldn't the obvious compromise be to sell the Alden and buy a bigger sailboat that she has an equal hand in choosing? That way she gets her space (and a boat that wasn't pre-owned by you with other girlfriends on board so it'll feel more like it's hers too) and you get to keep sailing. I'd offer that as a compromise and if she didn't seem interested, then it would be time to ask myself which I really wanted more, her or a sailboat. Only you can answer that.

Six years ago I sold my aft cockpit 44' sailboat that I was perfectly happy with and went boatless (except for my 20' Grady and 14' aluminum 15hp boat and Sunfish) and got married during those years to a woman 12 years younger and with 3 teens. She had never known me as a sailor (except on the Sunfish) and one day I mentioned that I'd like to get another cruising sailboat and she surprised me by asking why wait for someday! So, we spent hours and hours looking at boats on yachtworld to give her an idea of what the options were, until we settled on a center cockpit boat in the mid to upper 40's in length. Then we looked at several boats together and I tried to hide my opinion of them until she had expressed hers and the reason I did that was I honestly wanted to know what she thought about the boats even though she didn't know much about their technical aspects or sailing ability, etc. As it turned out, we were surprisingly of the same mind concerning all the boats we saw, including the one we eventually bought. So, by the time we actually owned a boat, she was fully "on board" as the co-owner and will never feel like she's just a passenger on "my" boat even though I'm a 50ton master with 4 decades of boating experience and she's a novice sailor. During our second day aboard, we noticed the holding tank macerator pump had failed and she was right there with me (with her hairdryer to soften the hoses), helping out with one of the more disgusting jobs we'll probably ever face. I guess the point of this whole tale is that if you're going to share a boat with a female, then you've absolutely got to make it feel to her like it's her boat too and she's an equal partner. She should show respect for your desire to sail a real sailboat and you need to show respect for her desire for space and then you need to find your perfect boat together. Good luck!

[S/V Alchemy]

Originally Posted by satdiver

Anyone ever been through this before with a spouse.?

No, because when I bought a 33 footer it was my boat, not hers.

When we bought a 41-footer together, it was our boat. She was under no illusions and as long as the Lavac was working, she was fully in. She fully participates in the running of the boat. She takes courses, and she's done deliveries (without me). She's, in short, invested in boat ownership and the goal of passage-making.

This part is essential to achieve before you buy the boat.

I have heard this a thousand times in a hundred YC bars: It's better to find a companion who shares the dream than to try to sell your dream to someone else, in this case, a stealth lubber.

Boat life is not for someone looking for a nice sectional to complete themselves. But you knew that going in.

[Azul]

If you've got plenty of cash you might consider a home or condo with a boat slip behind it. Put a decent sized monohull behind the land home that includes at the very least a stand up shower and decent head.

She can spend as much or little time on the sailboat as she desires, and so can you. She can keep her land job for the present and she might eventually get the desire to cruise. You can rent the condo out when you get the urge to go cruising.

It will be a challenge to find a woman that wants to start a family with you, support herself, leave her present occupation and go cruising on your sailboat. Someone might argue that scenario sounds a bit selfish, and selfishness will kill most relationships.

[Tbrad]

If you love your boat, then do what is necessary to retain that. You can always find another woman. (I think someone else already said that...Hmmm. No wait.....

[Pau Hana]

I jumped into the liveaboard life 5 years ago after a divorce. It was and continues to be the perfect life for me- me and my golden retriever aboard a 38' Bayliner sedan bridge...

When I started dating, I was pretty pigheaded about what I wanted- somebody that would accept my lifestyle and adopt to it. Dated a few times, then I met Kathy. We hit it off, and my mindset changed from "me" to "us"- love is a grand thing!

Fortunately for me, she jumped into living aboard with both feet, and we purchased our current 52' yachtfisher in 2012. Note "we", not "I". We looks at power, sail, mono and multi hulled boats and selected this one. We also could have ended up on land in a traditional home.

Moral of my story- the relationship is more important than the boat. I found a lady that embraced boating, and our life is rich because of our decision to work together- we consciously choose to not create drama and to discuss things openly and honestly.

Don't be so bullheaded you lose the lady- her desires of more space on a boat is not out of line, so I strongly suggest you get rid of your bias against cats and motoryachts. You'll still be on the water, and sharing that experience with a partner who is on an equal footing. OR, continue your current path and risk losing the lady over the long run- your choice.

Life is dynamic, not static- enjoy the changes....

[elk]

Well, I'm going to jump in, although I'm sure this may ruffle some feathers, it's just my opinion based on many years of living.

You are #1. If you don't take care of yourself first, you can't take care of someone else very well either. You need to look after what makes you happy first, and if your woman can see that and be happy too, it's a win/win. So if the boat is your happiness, go with it. If the woman is, go with it. Best case is finding the woman that makes you happy because what makes her happy is what works for you too, and vice versa. See to your needs first, or you will be miserable. Compromise may work, if you can adopt the mindset necessary, I don't have the strength of character for it; I can only fool myself for so long.

That's my opinion based on life as I've seen it.

Good Luck.

[BandB]

Originally Posted by satdiver

I'm been living aboard for years, as a child and as an adult now with a several year span on land. I grew up in a semi large family on several large boats so I'm used to them.

I did the small sailboat deal on an Alberg 37 alone for a while. I met my first wife which convinced me to move on land. When I wanted to move back aboard I comprised and bought what most would consider more boat than a couple would need which was a IP 485. We lasted a few months and divorced because I refused to move back to land.

I sold that boat and got an Alden 44 because it was a steal for what I paid for her. Now I've been dating this nice lady for a while who likes the liveaboard lifestyle.

She has been seeding me to go Motor or Cat since we have been visiting my friends. I can't ever see myself living on a motor yacht but I also can't see myself going to a cat. It's not my style and it's distressing to me.

This lady friend needs space and I don't know how to handle it. I've been quite honest and clear on my preference for living and crusing.

I'm now in my 30's with no kids and looking to have some but I'm pretty bullheaded about my boats. I don't want to compromise again though I know it's hard to find a women that will take this as a lifestyle choice.

I've been lucky in my career so I can go big if I want, but I don't want to buy a massive monohull nor do I want a cat and I defiantly don't want to go motor yacht or motor sailor.

Anyone ever been through this before with a spouse.?

Wifey B:

Lady friend? Spouse? Which is it? Ok, you're going to get a woman's reaction here, a woman who loves boating and shares that love with her hubby. "Bullheaded", "Don't want to compromise". Damn. Do the lady friend a favor and let her move on to someone who might care more for her than which boat they are on. Can't see yourself on a yacht and cat is distressing. I mean seriously, not saying this ugly, but if you really loved her the way love should be then there would be no freaking issue here.

Watch the television show House Hunters sometime and watch couples with opposite views come together. Watch their appreciation for the other side. See couples who place the happiness of their spouse as very important.

You talk about finding a woman to accept your lifestyle. Damn again. Why not finding a woman you can love and who can love you with all your hearts. Then lifestyle will all work. I think you're still too immature in that area (not saying all ways but in love) to find a woman now so enjoy the single life. And I say immature even though you're likely older than me. But I'll tell you, from the day my hubby and I met we knew it was forever and we knew we'd do whatever it took. We went through a hell together that one can only imagine but as long as we had each other nothing else in the world ever freaking mattered.

Now I'm not placing this all on you. Maybe she's not to the point either. Because if she loved you as I love my man, she'd join you in a kayak if that was it. See, the art of compromising between two in love is easy because you're both looking out more for the other than yourself. It becomes her saying, "We'll do sail because that's what you love" and you saying, "No MY because you'd like that better" and from that point finding the solution is easy because you're both going to be happy with either choice.

So, it's clear you're not ready to settle down or at least not with her. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, admitting that is pretty much to be admired. A lot better than pretending. But don't do something that then one or the other of you would resent what they got into. I'm for play with as many girls for as long as you wish but I believe strongly just to keep doing that until that one that you know is forever and you know you'll do anything to be with shows up. There's a feeling that will hit you then that hasn't hit you yet. I can't tell you in advance what it's going to feel like. But you'll know and it will be like nothing you've ever felt before. There is no such thing then as a bad day as long as you have each other and no such thing as a difficult compromise.

Best of luck to you. Hope I haven't been too hard, but I'm a romantic lover type who has found that magic and glad I didn't ever settle for less.

[tomfl]

Originally Posted by satdiver

SNIP

I don't want to compromise again though I know it's hard to find a women that will take this as a lifestyle choice.

SNIP

You may be asking the wrong questions.

Which is more important the girl or the monohull?

Only you can answer that question. The fact that you even ask it suggests you think it is easier to find a new girl than get use to a different boat, but again only you can answer that question.

Not understanding why you are asking about something that you are the best person to answer. Sorry I can not help you but since I have a catamaran it is a no brainer for me, even if I understand some folks like monohulls better than cats.

[BandB]

Hubby B:

I can only echo what my wife has said but do wish to address the "You're number one" comment made by another. That is absolutely true. See, in my life I put me number one but the most important thing in my life is having her with me, it's her love. That's not all unselfish and for her. It's for me. It's truly looking out for me. And if to you today in your life having the type boat you want is what is most important to you, there is nothing wrong with that. Just don't pretend otherwise. If having her with you was most important, then the boat issue would be so easy for the two of you to resolve. Amazingly when you do reach that point with someone, the other things just all work themselves out easily.

[BandB]

Originally Posted by ranger42c

Some bands are simply several independent musicians on the same stage doing the same song at the same time. Usually unbalanced... often cacophony.

Better bands are musicians whose main focus is complementing each other.

Better bands usually don't become that way by simply asking advice from strangers, although outside observation can sometimes help point the way. Instead, though, they caucus amongst themselves, identify common goals and methods, etc.

If your lady wants more space, she might see power or cat as the only alternatives. Maybe there are other ways to skin that cat (so to speak). Pilothouse monohull?

In any case, it may be more about the features she's after (e.g., space) and not the method of getting there (power, cat, etc.). That's input she can provide...

And sometimes, the musicians agree to move on...

-Chris

Wifey B:

Love your band analogy. My man and I love to sing together plus I play the keyboard. You're so right that when we sing together there's this feeling and connection. It's not his voice and my voice. It's our sound. It's how we blend together, the looks on our faces, the feelings that come through in the subtleties of our music. It's those things no voice teacher can teach, no musician can tell another how to achieve. It either works or it doesn't. We know when we sing together that we achieve something that we couldn't with any other musician. Our audience feels the love. The blend is either perfect or it's not there. But neither of us ever overpowers the other. When we sing in harmony it's hard to even separate the two voices.

And your last sentence says a lot too. If it's not right, it just isn't.

[BandB]

Hubby B:

Even your thread title says a lot. "Going to the Dark Side for a Girl".

If the situation was truly right it would be, "Going to the Dark Side because I'm so in love".

[Sand crab]

Ain't nuttin' dark about a cat. Monos are the dark ones. Just sit in the salon and you'll get it.

[captain58sailin]

If she isn't Ms Right, is she Ms. Right now? I would advise, go slow, listen very closely to what she is really saying versus the words that come out of her mouth. Observe how she lives now before you came along, is it harmonious with the liveaboard lifestyle? Or is there just a hormone charge? Take your time. Be real about what you really want, lifestyle and relationship wise.