Help! Trying to get the wife in the game.....

[Kenomac]

OP,

Don't loose sight of your goal. It's not about mono vs multihull, sailing lessons, or buying a boat then hoping your wife will like it.

It's all about confidence and lifestyle. Watch this video which was recorded on a day when most sailors would choose to stay in the marina. We needed to get ourselves 10 miles further north when the wind picked up to 35 knots straight ahead. Fast forward to near the end if you like.... having your wife be able to sit there in the cockpit and read a book with that level of confidence is your goal.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_f4Wf0qDdbs

[robert sailor]

Originally Posted by Van Der Beek

Women look for leadership, if you're going to hire an instructor for your wife make sure it's a male one, those dynamics work the best. There will be no competition between them only the dynamic of teacher student, which is what you are looking for here. Best approach (assuming you can sail and are calibrated enough and can lead because you have her respect) is for you to teach your wife, your value as a man and a husband will increase in her eyes if you do.

@OP
It is ultimately about your happiness at the end of the day, if you have to do this then you have to do this, if she is not on board then it could be time for you to go your separate ways. Life is not static and your path may have run alongside your wife's path for a long time been married had children etc, but it's your path not hers, if she's not OK with your path changing then you will have to let her go, find yourself a new woman don't be needy. She must respect your path just like you have to respect hers. You want to sail she doesn't. Well if she does't want to run her path next to your path this time around then time for you to go your separate ways. You can't force her yeah sure she loves you and she may go along with it for a while, but in the end it's not gonna work and she's gonna lose attraction for you end end up resenting you and perhaps even herself.

Live is way too short to be stuck in a relationship out of convenience, and it isn't right either. Better to part ways on good terms and as friends.

This would be my advice, if you really want to do this than you should do it no matter what, because again, ultimately it is about your happiness as a man.

I wish you the best of luck, hopefully she will be up for it.

Well I agree with some of your thoughts but ultimately if you have a wonderful loving relationship it's never a do or die situation. All good relationships are built on a foundation of compromises. So it's been your dream to go sailing then it's fairly easy, assuming you can afford it then just figure out a way that works for both parties. We've seen all kinds of different compromises all the way from she stays home and he goes sailing to she doesn't do passages and flies out and lives on the boat when it's in one area enjoying shorter day sails and anything in between. R

[pippatheskippa]

I agree with the idea of taking your wife on a private day charter to get a taste for what sailing can be like, but only if its a good weather day!
There are many sailing schools that do courses for women, and if they are taught by women they usually do the trick! Your wife needs to get a feel for life on board, and in an environment that will leave her wanting more - introduce her slowly to the idea!
Women are frequently very good sailors and particularly good on the helm - Good luck - I hope she goes for it!

[btexpres85]

Exactly, I anticipate a variation of my full dream as you have stated. Our entire 25 years so far have worked just fine with compromise, if not you word likely have a very short relationship. Thanks

[Moody Mike]

I am the captain of my ship & I have my wifes permission to say so.

[Brob2]

^^^

Insight, humility, and a sense of humour go a long long way in this business...

[timoko]

Originally Posted by meatservo

Get a Cat!



meatservo

Do you mean get a pet cat to replace the wife or a cat-a-ma-ran?

timoko
sitting on the dock, San Francisco Bay

[meatservo]

A choice you must make, I like a two hull vessel, but i still love anything that sails...


meatservo

[Mike Crothers]

Best recommendation is to enjoy your vacation. I doubt a trip to the Caribbean is all it will take to get buy in on a future of full time cruising, I lived down there for 5 years and it didn't make my wife a sailor. When you get back buy a boat you can afford and comfortable live on, don't listen to all those cat guys, they have more money than brains. Take your wife on nice cruises up and down the East Coast while watching the weather and avoiding anything nasty. If she knows it is important to you she will come along, just don't expect her to admit she is having fun since she will not want to encourage you but it will make your marriage stronger. Save the crazy off shore trips for the guys and have her fly to meet you when you get there.

[SV Windrush II]

When I first told my wife I wanted us to try living in a boat, she thought I had gone mad!
I first got her used to just living in one tied up at the dock most of the time, but then started taking her on day sailing trips. That was about 7 years ago.
Now after about 3000 miles of coastal cruising, she is still a fair weather sailor, and I am ok with it. I do not expect her to go with me on ocean crossings, so she just flies to the destination and then sails with me in short trips.
Here in the Philippines it works for us because none of the passages in between islands are farther than a 24 hr sail.
I have taken her out when its blowing about 25-30 knots and I can see the death look in her face when the boat starts burying a rail, So I try and avoid that kind of stuff if at all possible.
I think the biggest change for her was when I told her we have to sell most of our belongings because they will not fit in a boat. That was really hard for her, but now she doesn't even miss any of that stuff that she thought she could not live without.

The fact is, we both have to compromise and have a good understanding with each other, otherwise it would not work out

[Toaster]

My wife learned to sail on a small 24' Dufour, and she was never confident or happy on it: too wet, too much heeling, etc. So, (when she was 50) we took a week long sailing class in the San Juans (WA) on a 36' boat. The instructor was a woman, was really an excellent teacher, and by the end of the week, my wife was saying we needed a bigger boat. You don't ask questions at that point, you just go find a bigger boat.....

Now, we've spent 7 years learning the ropes, have done 13k nm, made it from Puget Sound to Glacier Bay, and finally crossed from Washington to Hawaii. We're now getting ready to head south.

She even wrote a book on how to take advantage of local winds and currents up the coast from Seattle to Glacier Bay. (You can find it on Amazon, it's called "Taken by the Wind: The Northwest Coast.....")

So my advice is take lessons together on a larger boat, and try to get a female instructor.

[SouthPolarBear]

Thanks, this thread has given me a lot of great ideas. Who knows when we'll get from the dreaming stage to actually doing it, but someday we will get there.

[hsi88]

Women look for leadership...ultimately it is about your happiness as a man.

I howled when I read this. I basically live in suburbia where independent self-reliant women make good money on their own. This stuff might have worked in the 50's but doesn't get very far today, unless you really want a submissive woman. Sure, women respect leadership, but they are more than capable of displaying that attribute without us. And I don't think showing a 50+ year old woman a video of how a 100 lb. woman enjoys sailing and the great outdoors is going to do the trick either.

Agreed, show them a 50 foot cat loaded with creature comforts and a 20 year old cabin boy and they will be all over the sailing idea. Fly them to Greece or the Islands and they will think they are in heaven. But when you take them home to your 30 footer with that somewhat musty smell mixed with a strong hint of diesel fumes, your chances basically go to zero. It will take a very special woman to go sailing with me. Or prehaps a delusional one with the surname Quixote de la Mancha .

[Van Der Beek]

Originally Posted by robert sailor

All good relationships are built on a foundation of compromises.

Yes there are compromises that needs to be made at times, my point though is that you should never compromise with who you are. If sailing is THAT important to him and such a large part of who he is than that is what he should do, it is about HIS happiness as a man at the end of the day. Now if he can set it up in such a way that he gets to sail despite his wife not being on board with it or not very interested than I suppose he should go for it.

Originally Posted by hsi88

I basically live in suburbia where independent self-reliant women make good money on their own. This stuff might have worked in the 50's but doesn't get very far today

It's not about women working women have always worked, it's about women looking for leadership in a man and it's about you as a man providing that leadership. It's about male female attraction and polarity. If you had understood these dynamics a bit better you would not have references the 1950's let alone taken my quote out of context to then twist it. These dynamics are in full swing they always has been and always will be, the year - past or present - has absolutely nothing to do with these dynamics they will never change because they are hardwired and organic.

Ultimately it comes down to you treating her as a woman and she treating you as a man. Not because it's forced or imposed, but because it comes natural and because you want to.

Edit.
If you find women who act like men attractive I suppose you should go for it, completely alien concept to me as a man and not a woman I would be drawn to at all, wrong polarity, I want a woman not a woman who acts like a man you know. No attraction there at all.

Of course, if you don't provide leadership - or aren't able to - she will start to lead herself.

[JPA Cate]

Oh, VanderBeek, she will immediately become alpha female in the absence of her alpha male! especially among wolves.

But I think you are underestimating modern women, many of whom seek to master the sports in which they are interested, including sailing, for example, Ellen MacArthur.

I really do not think your average man can force a woman to be interested --even his wife--in a cruising lifestyle. She is probably employed, in the west, at least, has some level of life competency. He is in essence asking her to give up all that has led to her security, and, unless she finds it "fun", she'll not be terribly interested. A man who would lead her would understand that need and address it effectively. Perhaps she might be led, but the notion of being led around as if by a nose ring, nope, won't fly, imho.

Ann