Spouse hates my boat

[esarratt]

Well I'll chime in. I am a therapist (really). I specialize in mental health, marriage and family therapy and substance abuse counseling.

You've got a problem. And, I don't know if MFT will really resolve anything in a way either of you will like. Couples counseling may help and if you love her its worth a shot.

Couseling will make the problems more explicit and a good therapist will show each of you the willingness (boundaries) of each other to change or to accept the situation. You may be aware of these already without spending $100.

So she doesn't like to be with you on your boat--I get it. And you love boats (as do I). And she doesn't, it sounds like, want you to be away from her because of jealously (or loneliness or insecurity).

So at this point it is hard to know what to say without seeing the two of you in person to see how you interact and what sort of level of acceptance, tolerance and willingness to work with the other party is available within the relationship. Honestly, no good therapist would continue further without seeing you in person.

And, honestly, I don't know if MFT will help you.

Difficult situation.

Choose a therapist, if you go this route, who has 10+ years of experience doing counseling.

I'm not near you, unless you are in the mountains of Western North Carolina, but I would not be a good choice because I like boats so much.

Some old salt of a therapist in the area could probably help with this as well as anyone.

Fair winds.

[Saleen411]

I would also recommend reading Helen Smith's book "Men on Strike" as well as Wayne Levine's "Hold on to Your N.U.T.S."

Another MUST READ......The Predatory Female

[Lepke]

No Brainer. Dump the wife, keep the boat.

[Kreef]

Originally Posted by ntscout

ok, so long time lurker, not much of a poster. Really need some advice on this.

I have an older boat that I have completely restored to like new condition. Surveyor says it is in bristol condition. I absolutely adore this boat and have put so many hours into researching, restoring and using it. Recently got my 100T Captains license as well.

Here's the rub, my wife hates my boat, the slowness of boat travel and the ocean. Not only that, but she hates it when I want to use the boat by myself or go somewhere with a group of boaters. I love boating, have had boats all my life (two boats before marriage even) except when kids (and their horses, braces, education etc) depleted all available funds.

It is not a money issue - I retired early with no debt and money in the bank. I am not sure what kind of issue it is but the long and short of it is that I have been given an ultimatum about my "obsession" and told to sell it because it is damaging the marriage.

Looking for help understanding this. Almost cried today when I faxed the signed listing over to the broker. Now I am lost, I don't have any other hobbies or interests. I almost feel like a close friend has died.

What does a sailor without a boat do? Where to go on this?

Having done social work at the top univ here in South Africa university of Cape Town I would suggest professional counselling on this matter as your wife seems to have a very selfish attitude here and she needs to see and know that.This attitude combined with her demanding you sell the boat which she knows you love will lead to a divorce down the line.I do not know the state of your marriage but if your children are no longer at home needing parental love and care then You will become if I am correct very bitter about selling the boat and take it out on her later .What do you think YOU WANT ?Not what she wants .It is your boat !!!Every man needs a boat !We should be born with one in our mouths so we can get out of the crib and sail away so to speak.My advice is do not sell the boat.If she leaves you find a new woman who loves the sea !!You might end up a happy chappy!!

[Kreef]

Originally Posted by ntscout

Nope no revenge that I am aware of since I don't issue ultimatums. I suppose not being able to monitor a spouse 100% of the time could be a sticking point so maybe the lack of monitoring when I am offshore for a day or two is the problem?

HI My brother has a girlfriend and a 9 yr old son by her.Back in 2002/4 I had a Dean Catamaran the Aero 36 and he loved taking the boat out and enjoying his day .However his girlfriend would phone him incessantly to hear that he was not heavy breathing and making sounds she might be familiar with if you get my drift.She was just so jealous it was outrageous and she was always insinuating that he was out there with a woman in tow .Never once did i see him with a woman on my boat but because she could not see this with her own eyes she just could not accept that he had no other interests at sea other than eating sailing and fishing.They are still together but her affect generally on the whole family has been nothing but negative.
She is an isolationist.

[Willie@VoyagingYachts]

Wanted. Wife with own boat. Please send picture of boat.

[Kreef]

Originally Posted by Idylles15.5

Been there and your crazy if you sell what makes you happy after you worked your ass off so you could retire early. Your not old either. I had a girlfriend and I thought she was the one at the time. She knew I grew up on boats my whole life with all my brothers and sisters. Anyway I bought a home for the two of us and showed her as a surprise. Ya know what my loving girlfriend said? If you sold your boat we could get a better house. I said oh thats nice, the one thing that makes me happy and gives me pleasure i should sell so you can have a bigger house. I hung in there for a little while, but could never forget she said that. It was over. If you sell your boat you'll eventually blame her and hate her for being a selfish bitch, which she is. I'm sure you have done plenty for her. Move on and tell her to get lost. You'll have no problem meeting a nice women who was probably taken for granted by some jerk, who would love a nice guy in his young fifties to take her sailing, put on some Frank or Mike Bubble, have a bottle of wine and a delightful afternoon. Don't for one minute think your life is over at your age and your trapped. Tell her to lighten up get her own hobby or get lost. Or you could just invite her down to the boat after you have invited a bunch of young ladies and there friends to hang out on the boat in the marina, and maybe she'll realize she doesn't have all he power. Don't sell your boat. You'll never forgive yourself and your relationship will go to hell anyway. Good sailing thats for her.

OMG that is what I really wanted to say too!!!Wonderfully insightful piece of writing and right off the cuff.

[Kreef]

Originally Posted by aliddell

Was in the same situation 25 years ago. I sailed all my life and had a boat that I loved. Before getting married we sailed the coast of California and across the Gulf of Mexico and she seemed to enjoy it. After getting married she decided that she didn't like it after all. Sold the boat and stayed married. Now I am 73 finally getting the divorce maybe 20 years too late, just diagnosed with cancer. End result: I missed out on 25 years of boating and put up with 20 years of non-ideal marriage. My advice: Don't sell the boat!

Bless you do hope you find a healing for that cancer.Do as much as you can to eat good organic food .Definitely leave out sugar as cancer feeds on it !!!!

[Kreef]

Originally Posted by MarkSF

When she gave you an ultimatum, she effectively told you that she was prepared to leave you if you didn't do exactly what she said. Right there, is a symptom of a serious problem on her part. My suggestion would be to let the ultimatum expire, and see what happens. If she's prepared to leave you over a boat, she's not worth keeping.

Beautifully put!!!

[Kreef]

Originally Posted by Azul

If you ask 1000 people to guess the weight of a cow, the average of all the guesses will be really close to the actual weight of the cow. That's how internet advice works here on CF.

I think the OP has been given a lot of good advice to sort through, and perhaps has developed a few new insights into his situation.

Now some of the PC crowd here will claim that I am comparing women to cows or some other nonsense. The fact remains that if you are not fun to be around, confident and show some respect to your woman she will make you miserable and then leave you. The OP needs to work on what the young guys call his "inner game" or there is no hope for him to have a good relationship with a woman of any real value. Shed the "washed up" thinking and grow a new pair!

Am I missing something? Grow a new pair ?What do you mean?

[Kreef]

Originally Posted by ntscout

wow, this really generated a lot more in the way of responses than I anticipated. Sorry if it takes up a bit of server space but at least it appears that I am not alone in the dilemma.

Thanks to all for your advice. I rescinded the broker agreement and will hold onto the boat for now while trying to figure out exactly what the problem(s) are. Putting on the hard is a no-go but maybe a bit less sailing and bit more watching her on her horses might work.

In my opinion a very good decision allowing a lot of leeway in the situation.You obviously still love her .Let's hope she loves you as much as you do her .

[Cadence]

A long running crock of **** that has nothing to do with boating. It is a personal affair.

[Don C L]

This thread keeps coming back to life, it obviously resonates... but the original post describes making a boat bristol. While I don't think the owner should give in to an ultimatum, and he should not let go of something so important to him, I think his wife's frustration is legitimate. In order to make ANY boat bristol, if you are working alone, you will have NO time (or money) for anything else for a very long time. She probably rightfully felt abandoned. No one, man or woman, enters into a marriage hoping to be abandoned. In my own case I knew, because I love my wife, I had to balance the time and money I devoted to the boat with her. As a result she loves the boat more and more, and we now share it more... the best result of all.

[Kreef]

Originally Posted by In Training

Just another -- DON'T SELL THE BOAT!!!!! -- Comment. You don't take things that people love away from them, if you love the person, because you want them to be happy.

Perfectly put and so succinctly !!!

[Kreef]

Originally Posted by ravinracin

There seems to be no question about how important the boat is, very, very important. The question should be how important is the wife, marriage thing that most men find them self in. I loved women very much throughout my life, I worked very hard to keep a woman in my life. Now that I am getting closer to the end I look back and think why? A wife is a pain in the a88. Marriage is a pain in the a88. Kids are a pain in the a88. Working you tail off supporting this whole wifey/marriage/kid thing is crazy. Men have been hoodwinked into thinking this is the thing, right thing to do. How many times have you ever wanted to be doing things with the guys or your particular guy thing but have been doing wifey/marriage/kid things? Shopping, yard work, soccer practice, church, in-laws, on and on and on. You could be sitting on the boat having a beer with the guys and really enjoying yourself. At age 20 women were so necessary, at 69, not so much. At 20, that shapely winch was worth so much. At 69, they are still very nice to look at, but not worth so much when you realize what comes with them. It takes a lot out of a man to support one of those women. I am constantly amazed at how devious, unscrupulous and manipulative a woman can be to get what she wants. I am in a position where I can stand back and observe this behavior and occasionally kick myself for falling for it all these years. Are they worth it? Most think so. To me? No way, I just wish I had woken up from that spell many years ago. I know this post will tick off a lot of women, and I shouldn't be judging them all, but it is my humble old opinion. OP you asked for advice. Do you really need this whole marriage thing? Would you rather answer only to yourself and enjoy your boat, life? It is your call and your happiness. If you get to keep your boat with her permission, will you really be happy next year with the compromises you will have to make? Get on with life. Once the kids are raised, we have done our part. Be selfish, you don't need her.

For most guys it is what the woman has between her legs !!!