Soon to be empty nester, what should I do?!

[hpeer]

The Norfolk area might work. The Chesapeake provides good sailing. You can run down one of the canals into the NC sounds.

What I know about myself is that all transitions are tough on me. Even when the course is absolutely clear I have anxiety from making the change. This goes from big life changes, changing jobs, or just leaving harbor after a stay. I now know this is part of my makeup “Oh yeah, that old feeling again, huh!” Once I make the move, leave it goes away. Only to return in anticipation of my next move.

[Jay2far]

Thank you wolfgal, very insightful and spot on. Building community is a challenge I'm very familiar with. After separating from the military we lost a lot of friends, then after divorce we each lost friends, then after my ex's passing I lost even more, etc etc, so I have a very limited support system that pretty much all live out of state. I do belong to the local sailing school association and have volunteered with them, worked a boat show recently, etc. And I have friends that I have dinner with etc., but no one really close like siblings etc. I have 4 siblings btw, all in NY.

[Jay2far]

Great points Stu Jackson, thank you for the insight! Regarding sailing, I do like the out and back nature of day sailing, mixed in with maintenance chores etc (I like that stuff). I don't see myself doing really long passages very often. I try to be honest with myself every time I go out and often upon docking I've thought, "What if I had 10 more days to go?" Haha. Really good points about the seasons, winterizing, etc.

[Stu Jackson]

Originally Posted by Jay2far

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...and often upon docking I've thought, "What if I had 10 more days to go?" Haha. Really good points about the seasons, winterizing, etc.

Jay,


You're welcome.


10 more days is what I LUST over! I got plenty of that coming up the coast! Not so much since I've been here because of the need to add solar to my electrical package. Serious solar.


Interestingly, you raise a good issue about winterizing that I had forgotten about. We don't have to formally winterize here because the boats stay in the water and even if we get a cold snap the water is warmer than the air.

If the boat was out of the water, then yes.


As compared to my friends in the Great Lakes and back east, who have to remove their boats from the water and do real winterizing, engine, plumbing, etc. Not fun if ya ask me...

[wolfgal]

Originally Posted by Jay2far

Thank you wolfgal, Building community is a challenge I'm very familiar with.

Yes... this is the tough part after so many years of moving around while managing what life was/is throwing at you and getting-what-has-to-be-done, done. so many find themselves in this position. it is tough, bloody-blanking tough when isolation takes over.

and sometimes taking small steps is better than taking big leaps as they have the advantage of greasing the gears socially. one way to grease the gears is to sign up for classes. you could do an engine repair class, safety-at-sea class, first aid class, navigation class, weather class, a week-long sail around class, and offshore sailing class, a sail repair class, a splicing class... there's great knots to learn too. there is just so much to learn in the sailing world. it is endless!

the great part about taking classes is that, along the way, you meet people and perhaps connect enough to get together thereafter in one way or another. even if you do not see them again in the real (this is the hard part), you can build a family of people who are on your team, who are rooting for you, who want you to succeed.

you may even meet people who need help fixing stuff on boats. this is great fun!

working at the boat fair is great way too. if you can do this often enough, you will see folks over and over again and feel more and more like you belong. the need to feel that one belongs is definitely not just a teen thing...

and eventually that day comes when you find a friend with whom you do stuff (like sailing). this can take time, but the important part is to recognise your luck and seize the day. do not say, no, sorry, i'm not able to go. push yourself to say yes.

hang in there Jay2far. although the past is still about you, still hovering, you have a window, one that can become a door...

all the best to you!

wolfie

[hellosailor]

"People from up north call it Flori-duh"
Heck, even the Pulitzer Prize winning semi-respectable newspapers in the SE call it that. IN PRINT. And there has been a semi-serious secession movement, so split off northern and southern Florida, because they are in so many ways so different.
Taxes of course (no state income tax, many lower services) will be less than in Cali but sooner or later that may have to change, as global warming or whatever is causing massive flooding and the pols are talking about how many billions it will cost to raise the roads, raise the sewers, pump out flooding groundwaters...and while the three winter/spring months may be wonderful, the six summer months can be deadly heat and humidity, with or without hurricanes. And your boat insurance will zing you if you're in Florida during hurricane season, six months long.
You've got options for a Great Adventure, but I'd look at it more as going to check out a number of places--extensively--before you pick out one or more.
Even if the kids are all in college, they may be upset not to have a "home" to come back to, so you may want to discuss the options with them. If you intend to buy a home on land, then pricing (and SE Florida can make NYC and Boston look cheap) is something that may also affect your decision.
Make haste slowly, and maybe if the kids are all home during summer break, run the idea past them and see if any have strong feelings either way.

[Kenomac]

You need to get active again, so I suggest ignoring most of the moving cross country advice, and sympathetic internet chit chat, instead.... get in your car and drive down to Shoreline Village in Long Beach and spend the day in this amazing place. Lots to do, places to eat and people to meet. Take a bike ride down the beach all the way to Huntington if you like, smile and say hello to all beach goers. Then stop in at the local yacht club and find out how to get involved...

If that doesn’t work, ask your MD about taking a mild anti depressant just to get you over the hump, then.... repeat part number one over again. Shoreline Village is wonderful.

[hamburking]

Hi Jay, interesting post. Can't have been easy to write.

I'm in a strikingly similar situation. My youngest will graduate high school in ONE MONTH!!!! And my ex was run over by a car, but not killed. And I have full custody of my kids.

Anyway, I'm also wondering what I'm going to do. I have tons of sailing experience, owned 8 boats, ocean crossing, etc. I'm in Canada, so sailing is only seasonal here. I'd like to buy a bluewater boat and just point the bow south and see where it takes me, but I still have responsibilities to my kids. Not sure how to balance this out. I'm hoping you get some replies that are better than this one, so I can get some good ideas too. But mostly wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in your situation.

[Jay2far]

Originally Posted by Kenomac

You need to get active again, so I suggest ignoring most of the moving cross country advice, and sympathetic internet chit chat, instead.... get in your car and drive down to Shoreline Village in Long Beach and spend the day in this amazing place. Lots to do, places to eat and people to meet. Take a bike ride down the beach all the way to Huntington if you like, smile and say hello to all beach goers. Then stop in at the local yacht club and find out how to get involved...

If that doesn’t work, ask your MD about taking a mild anti depressant just to get you over the hump, then.... repeat part number one over again. Shoreline Village is wonderful.

Great advice Ken, I actually did this last weekend! On Sunday I went to the Alamitos Bay Marina office, got slip info etc., then went by the Alamitos Bay Yacht Club and spoke to their office manager for about 20 minutes, got some great info there as well. I really like the area and it's only about 40 minutes from my place. If I stayed here I'd move closer once my son graduates out of his school district. Regarding the anti depressant, it's not really an option with my job, but I hear what you're saying.

[Jay2far]

Originally Posted by hamburking

Hi Jay, interesting post. Can't have been easy to write.

I'm in a strikingly similar situation. My youngest will graduate high school in ONE MONTH!!!! And my ex was run over by a car, but not killed. And I have full custody of my kids.

Anyway, I'm also wondering what I'm going to do. I have tons of sailing experience, owned 8 boats, ocean crossing, etc. I'm in Canada, so sailing is only seasonal here. I'd like to buy a bluewater boat and just point the bow south and see where it takes me, but I still have responsibilities to my kids. Not sure how to balance this out. I'm hoping you get some replies that are better than this one, so I can get some good ideas too. But mostly wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in your situation.

Thanks for sharing that, really appreciate it! This is a great reply actually, I don't hear similar stories very often. Hope you get some good ideas too!

[JPA Cate]

Jay2far,

Since you are already involved with a sailing club, does the club have a program for young people to learn to sail? Involvement with that would let you meet the parents interested in sailing who support the kids.

So Cal has many attainable sailing options.

Or, you could try Kenomac's options. Getting out and about, getting exercise, and practicing greeting people can raise your spirits.

This whole deal of where do I go with the rest of my life [for now], is a question that only you has the right answer for you. Sailing is probably one of many things you enjoy. Try out some stuff, give yourself time to grieve the loss of your wife and your kids. Think about what kind of relationship you want to have with the kids in the future. They will be growing away from you, as is their "job" for this stage of their lives.

Consider what will make you fulfilled. Some people find this with caregiving work, or teaching kids. Everyone's different. It will take some effort to find your heart's desire, to draw you towards your new section of life. Follow your own interests. Please yourself.

Ann

[Jay2far]

After reading through responses and stuff I just want to add that I didn't mean to paint a doom and gloom scenario. I am incredibly grateful and fortunate to even be able to sail as a hobby, so I don't intend for this to seem like a "Whoa is me" story.


The problem is that what I'm seeking is a bit of a selfish endeavor, or could be seen as such by some, and it's hard to have the conversation with family and friends, people who don't sail, and that's why I posted this in a sailing community forum, because I know you all get it. I have a friend who is recently homeless, literally taking contract jobs and living between a car and motel just to make ends meet. So by those standards I don't have any problems and am incredibly blessed.

[Jay2far]

Great points JPA Cate (Ann), thank you!

[Kyboatlady]

Looks like the last post on here was over a year ago. Wondering if you ever moved forward to live aboard? I just made a post on here regarding being an empty nester soon and hoping to live aboard again.