Love, life and family. Does Cruising fit in?

[Laffangurl]

Some interesting and great perspectives...and I think it helps to hear others stories and samples of what has (or has not!) worked. Bottom line is there is not going to be any one solution for every couple. Sounds like there are many levels along the way and a really good marriage seems to be such a rare bird these days, I think it would be worth trying compromise and lots of different short term cruising, day sailing, etc whatever works to preserve that.

There are some of us of the female species that want to live and sail off into neverland some day too...however, not all do, and if you have 'the one' you'll find a way to incorporate both dreams.
Love the idea above about hte guy in Hawaii living one day at a time...who knows what the future will bring?

[jacob30]

"happiness can only truly be experienced when shared"

[Laffangurl]

Agree, that is the ideal anyway...

[The Blue Heron]

A patient approach. I took my wife to Antigue before really mentioning the whole buy a boat thing...

[Nia]

This seems to be a male dominated thread, but I thought I'd interject the female side from my point of view.

Mine was the opposite scenario. I wanted to have adventures. My husband was the home body. He didn't care to travel, afraid to fly, and not interested in sailing. If it didn't involve fishing, hunting or camping, he didn't participate. He expected me to only go on vacations he planned (see previous), but he had forgotten who he was married too. The same woman he admired for going off hunting alone when he asked me out certainly wasn't going to follow meekly behind for very long. After 10 years of raising kids and being the good wife I took matters into my own hands. I would go on his vacations, and I would invite him on mine. Mine included trips to Europe, jumping out of airplanes, hiking up mountains, etc., while he stayed at home.

I didnt push him to go with me. He finally realized on his own the fun he was missing out on albeit it was too late. He passed away from cancer 4 years ago. He told me one of his biggest regrets was not going with me. His passport came a week after his death. He was 52 years old.

My spouse did not want the adventurous lifestyle that I needed, so I adapted. I had adventures without him, but I also had adventures with him. Just because I couldn't live all my dreams when I wanted too, didn't mean I would never live them. In fact I whittled down my bucket list immensely while I was married.

Life is short. Do what you can, while you can and be happy with that. Be patient and keep your dreams alive. Sometimes we set aside a dream because it is impractical at that time, but it doesn't mean we have tossed it aside forever. Live your life without regrets. Adventure is always around the next corner, if you want it to be. Most importantly, cherish those you love for you may not have them another day.
Nia

[thinwater]

Just a few thoughts:

• Most people would consider living full time on a sailboat to be hell. Small, damp, moving all the time, with bugs. Sounds a lot like poverty.
• Most people don't like moving around. They want to stay with one community. Not a mobile community, people with roots in the ground.
• Not everyone is stressed by a mortgage. Paid was mine 15 years ago.
• I like my job, mostly.
• I have many interests other than sailing, many of which are NOT terribly compatible with cruising (rock climbing, ice climbing...).
• I like sailing for a day, a few days, a few weeks... and then doing something else. I like air conditioning, a house, a workshop that wouldn't fit on the boat, science experiments, a walk in the woods.

My feeling is that the cruising lifestyle may be a "dream" for many, but not something more than 0.01% would accept if you gave it to them for free. They like land.


Sorry, not a cruising forum view, but perhaps the view of many spouses and most sailors. I personally would find "living the dream" to be a nightmare, and I like sailing. And I'm thrilled that others love it; their experiences make great reading.

[deckofficer]

Originally Posted by Nia

This seems to be a male dominated thread, but I thought I'd interject the female side from my point of view.

Mine was the opposite scenario. I wanted to have adventures. My husband was the home body. He didn't care to travel, afraid to fly, and not interested in sailing. If it didn't involve fishing, hunting or camping, he didn't participate. He expected me to only go on vacations he planned (see previous), but he had forgotten who he was married too. The same woman he admired for going off hunting alone when he asked me out certainly wasn't going to follow meekly behind for very long. After 10 years of raising kids and being the good wife I took matters into my own hands. I would go on his vacations, and I would invite him on mine. Mine included trips to Europe, jumping out of airplanes, hiking up mountains, etc., while he stayed at home.

I didnt push him to go with me. He finally realized on his own the fun he was missing out on albeit it was too late. He passed away from cancer 4 years ago. He told me one of his biggest regrets was not going with me. His passport came a week after his death. He was 52 years old.

My spouse did not want the adventurous lifestyle that I needed, so I adapted. I had adventures without him, but I also had adventures with him. Just because I couldn't live all my dreams when I wanted too, didn't mean I would never live them. In fact I whittled down my bucket list immensely while I was married.

Life is short. Do what you can, while you can and be happy with that. Be patient and keep your dreams alive. Sometimes we set aside a dream because it is impractical at that time, but it doesn't mean we have tossed it aside forever. Live your life without regrets. Adventure is always around the next corner, if you want it to be. Most importantly, cherish those you love for you may not have them another day.
Nia

So well put Nia. For me, alone at sea with just my thoughts is perfect, watching the bow part the sea is something that puts me in a tranquil state.

[Bash]

Originally Posted by bigbluedreaming

I feel lost.

1. You'll never do anything more important in this life than being a good father to the two kids you've brought into this world.
2. Part of being a good father is maintaining a good partnership with you children's mother.

Those are the basics. If cruising fits in with that, great. If it doesn't, stick with the basics.

[impi]

There are many considerations to make before making the 'big decision'.
These include questions such as:

1. How long do you intend to do this for?
2. What financial resourses do you have at your disposal and on your return?
3. What are the basic needs your wife would want if she decided to do it eg. fresh water showers, hair dryers, washing and drying machine, email comms, TV etc. etc.
4. Who will be responsible to home school the kids?
5. Will each kid require a separate cabin or will they bunk down together?

These are just a few questions of many but I have come across sailors whose wives went along 'kicking and screaming' and now thoroughly enjoy the venture ... infact, so much so that one family we know very well have had the roles reverse ... he would like to go back to business and she has decided she loves this life style too much!

Other friends of ours have young kids on board (3 of them) ... his wife started out very unhappy about the prospect and now loves seeing her children love it ... so much so that she too wants to keep sailing when in fact thier journey was planned to end in the next 6 months ...

Then there are sailors who either dont have the financial means to support a family at sea or just dont care to rig the boat in a way that makes it a pleasure for the rest of the family.

We decided to make our boat a home, to have plenty of energy, plenty of water and reliable communication to our families back home. Our families and friends now live out our adventure through our blog and 'let me forget to keep it updated or get lazy' and I will feel thier disgust!

They say life is not about the destination, its about the journey ... personally I think the destination is of greater importance and in sailing there must be many ... the journey must be as comfortable as possible!

For me it was a great decision to make ... I had a thriving business which I had built up in excess of 20 years through very hard work ... I also nearly lost my life which made me think a little more about what I was doing!

For someone like myself and Ana, we expect at least to have the daily basics one would have at home ... for us it was a two year process to get the boat ready and that was time well spent.

Present your wife with a PLAN ...a well thought out plan!

The plan should include how the boat will be equipped, how financially it will be viable, and what destinations would be covered in the first year etc. etc.

Leaving home with an ill equipped boat and without a plan will certainly not help your wife to see the possibility of enjoyment ... to be sure!

[The Blue Heron]

No deep philosophical pondering required. Either she will or she wont. TIME will tell. Start slow. Make it fun. You have been given some great advice. Dont lose your dream either. Nothing build resentment faster. Work on the compromise in the margins and live your life.

[rognvald]

Bigbluedreaming,
As I have said in another thread, sailing/cruising is usually the man's dream and rarely the woman's. Irrespective of 50 plus years of "Women's Liberation" you are fighting against 4.5 million years of human evolution. Man is hardwired as a hunter. Women as a gatherer. These are powerful biological and psychological forces to counteract. Society and it current cultural values might want you to believe otherwise, but it is the rare exception when it is the woman who wants adventure rather than the man. The problem is that most men want female companionship (read sexual) but also want to pursue their adventures and dreams. Herein lies the problem since from a sociological perspective the cost of "sexual favors" is high: house, kids, mortgage, vacations to Disney Land, shopping, dinners out, and of course, "behaving"(and you thought it was you that she loved) and it is these very things that will make the adventure impossible. So, your choice is really very simple: maintain the status quo and live the adventure vicariously through others or in your dreams and accept you will never have personal fulfillment or move on. I believe the former is much easier to do than the latter. The history of the "modern world" world is built upon a foundation of unhappy men. Good luck and good sailing.

[skipmac]

If it turns out that your wife just can't adapt or adjust to the fears she has developed around sailing may I suggest the compromise worked out with my wife.

Turns out she has two problems, not really her fault. First she gets seasick. She is fine in moderate weather but as soon as it gets the least bit bumpy she starts turning green. Second she has a problem with skin cancer. She is blond and fair skinned and grew up in Florida hanging out at the beach. After a lifetime of exposure she is now paying the penalties. Not a serious problem so far but she will have to stay out of the sun for life.

So the answer, I deliver the boat with a crew of compatible boat bums, they go home and she flies in to stay on the boat. She enjoys the holiday and enjoys being on the water but doesn't have to do the scary parts and I get to be a cruiser.

[goboatingnow]

In my case, I nursed a dream to circumnavigate. I've done a lot of sailing, with the boys, deliveries etc. but I really wanted to take my wife ( my kids are sailors but grown up ).

In my case initially, my wife had no interest in sailing, so I did a couple of simple ( read boring) calm weather charters, went to nice places, didnt push the sailing. Over time she's more and more comfortable with sailing but she,ll never do long distances or bad weather. In areas she likes ( southern France) we spent weeks in marinas. That the cost. The payback is (a) we share the activity and (b) I get to be on a boat. Funny now she's the one dragging me to the boat.

Yet starting out she had all the usual fears, the sea, the heeling, the strangeness of boats etc. but a lot of that can be mitigated over time. But, shell never be a sailor, she has no feel for it. But shes a good companion, speaks several languages, is great with officialdom and a real benefit in a foreign country. ( and she adores hot climates ).

So I have to accept that my sailing with her is going to be slow day sail hops in warm weather location s like the med etc. I get the hardcore fix by sailing , with the boys.

You have a choice, compromise and share that compromise. Or do it yourself , she may or may not give you the space or the marriage to do that..

The one thing that doesn't work is cajoling her or strong arming her. You'll loose her. A very few women have the adventuring bug, most want some form of domesticity, family bonds etc.

It will be a compromise, often a big one from you. But hey , a day on a boat in the marina is better then a day in your sitting room.


But over the years the truth dawned, my wife is way more important to me then the boat, no matter how I feel inside when I stare at the sea ( I live near the shore )

Make haste slowly here
Dave