Its Not How Much Someone Costs, Its What You Bring to the Table.

[s/v Beth]

In all seriousness, we have a number of successful sailing couples here. What is it that you bring to the table that makes it work? Is it different for each couple? Do you fill in gaps (one is a cook and the other a mechanic) or are you both just good sailors and know what it takes? You are with your mate a lot more than us worker- time off sailors. What common element makes you succeed?

[Alaska JD]

Thanks Newt, in addition to the different abilities and gifts each brings to the table I think an additional element is nice and it can be difficult to measure. There is a special difference when each partner brings out the best in the other. Perhaps serindipity?? not sure what to call it, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. My wife and I are able to accomplish things together that we would really struggle with alone, even though we have the skills. The military has a term for their best technologies - Force Multipliers. The right partner is a relational multiplier. If you find a partner like that, never let them go

[Jim Cate]

Originally Posted by s/v Beth

In all seriousness, we have a number of successful sailing couples here. What is it that you bring to the table that makes it work? Is it different for each couple? Do you fill in gaps (one is a cook and the other a mechanic) or are you both just good sailors and know what it takes? You are with your mate a lot more than us worker- time off sailors. What common element makes you succeed?

Tough question, Newt. Ann and I have been sailing together for about 30 years, cruising full time for about 25 years, married for about 24, and hoping to continue indefinitely. We have often been asked how we do it, and buggered if I know how to answer. A lot has to do with forbearance, respect for each others ideas, feelings and abilities, and tolerance for the times when **** has happened to one or the other of us. A bit of loyalty helps, too.

AS to job distribution... I do a lot of the dinner cooking, Ann does all the baking, we both do boat jobs... she is the gopher for engine work, I'm the gopher for canvas work, but we both participate and get our hands dirty on virtually everything on the boat from bottom painting to laundry. Except things electrical... Ann doesn't believe in electricity...

But perceptions of how it should be vary -- here's a true and funny story:
Arrived in New Zealand some years ago, and were in a marina in Auckland taking care of the many chores that accrue over a year's continuous cruising/voyaging. A couple of chaps came down the dock and struck up a conversation, asking the usual questions. One asked if it was just me and Ann on board, and for how long we'd been cruising. When I said "yep, just the two of us, and we've been at it for (I think it was then) 8 years". He produced an incredulous look and said "But, mate, who do you TALK to?"

So, it is hard to say why it has worked for us, but I think that it is a lot like "luck"... the harder we work the luckier we get. True for life and for relationships, and I think that I'm a lucky guy.

Cheers,

Jim

[David_Old_Jersey]

Originally Posted by Don Lucas

Not everyone posting on the "what does it cost" thread was trashing the opposite sex. Some of us even suggested that those that were should have been taking a harder look at themselves.

Yeah . Obviously not one for those who need to be spoonfed , but lots of fellas posting in that thread who are very self aware - and are having fun with that .

BTW that thread was started a year (or so?) back - and was intended as a light parody of the very threads it turned into ......for some reason it keeps popping back up - makes one wonder what search terms folks are using .

Anyway, I very much agree with the OP's point - "it's what you (each)bring to the table"......like for any business partnership to be sustainable, the whole has to be better than the individuals can generate alone - exactly who provides what and how etc is a matter for negotiation, and subject to what each want to do / gain from the partnership......IMO sparkling personality (even 2 large ones ) only gets folks so far.

FWIW, for me loyalty is no.1........through to no.10 . In practice (for me) that does involve a lot of faffing around on the banks of the Rubicon , but once crossed that's it ....until reaching the River Styx. But I will admit that I can be kinda obsessional on some things .

Women - if you stand 'em on their heads, they all look the same ....and if not, it probably means you are in Thailand .

[Mike OReilly]

Originally Posted by Jim Cate

Tough question, Newt. Ann and I have been sailing together for about 30 years, cruising full time for about 25 years, married for about 24, and hoping to continue indefinitely. We have often been asked how we do it, and buggered if I know how to answer. A lot has to do with forbearance, respect for each others ideas, feelings and abilities, and tolerance for the times when **** has happened to one or the other of us. A bit of loyalty helps, too.

Wonderful sentiments Jim. My Ann and I pretty much share most tasks on board. She's the better helmswoman and navigator, I'm happier tweaking and running around the foredeck. We both like to cook, although I'm the underway chef since Ann suffers the mal de mare. Engine maintenance is often her thing, I manage the electrical and plumbing (she's another Ann who doesn't believe in the existence of electricity). Anchoring, daily captaining, varnishing, and most of the other daily tasks get shared and swapped as mood and need dictates.

Respect, patience, and the ability to listen (or at least stop talking, in my case ) goes a long way to smoothing life's bumps, be they on land or on the water. The great thing is that wilderness travel brings out the best in us. It clears the clutter of life. I like nothing better than a 30 day journey with just the two of us. There's always plenty to talk about.

[Connemara]

Originally Posted by Mike OReilly

... since Ann suffers the mal de mare....

You must have a really BIG boat to get a female horse aboard.


Connemara

[Mike OReilly]

Originally Posted by Connemara

You must have a really BIG boat to get a female horse aboard.

Right ... mal de mer ... thanks.

[Cruising Couple]

Thanks to all of you who've posted your long-term success stories! I know it gives many of hope and continued enthusiam for our dreams. It seems the key to success at sea is much the same as that on the hard .... compromise, communication, sharing, and a willingness to "stand in the gap" for one another. Moreover, I think you have to have two more things to build upon: you must be good friends and enjoy one anothers company (Funny, the men who asked: "Mate, who do you talk too?") and you have to have a shared dream coupled with a shared desire to make it a success.

Men and women are different, but if you let that work for you -- instead of work against you -- then the sum of you will be greater than its parts. You have a different approach and a different perspective and that is often times essential to problem solving. If you have two people with the same ideas and the same skill sets, you probably don't need one of them. Celebrate your differences -- it makes you the perfect, well rounded TEAM!

I can ONLY imagine that relying only upon one another, literally surviving the occasional storm together or accomplishing major tasks (a long crossing, resolving a significant mechanical malfunction, etc...) as a team, has to be a major relationship builder.

For all those "out there doing it ..... keep living the dream and, please, keep sharing it with the rest of us!

Darby

[Bash]

Originally Posted by Cruising Couple

[COLOR=darkred] It seems the key to success at sea is much the same as that on the hard .... compromise, communication, sharing, and a willingness to "stand in the gap" for one another.

Compromise and communication, yes, but also competence. Unless both parties are bringing skills to the table, the energy will soon be sapped out of a cruising relationship.

[Cruising Couple]

Originally Posted by Bash

Compromise and communication, yes, but also competence. Unless both parties are bringing skills to the table, the energy will soon be sapped out of a cruising relationship.

Very good point!

[Hudson Force]

Back in 1970, fresh out of college, I talked a young lady into moving on a sailboat by first scratching out an outline of the cabin spaces in the beach sand. In 1971 we bought our first liveaboard cruising boat and we've been cruising since, along with working and raising a couple of children aboard. It's difficult to imagine what it would have cost me if I had not been able to present a good plan with that sketch in the sand.

[Cruising Couple]

Originally Posted by CaptForce

Back in 1970, fresh out of college, I talked a young lady into moving on a sailboat by first scratching out an outline of the cabin spaces in the beach sand. In 1971 we bought our first liveaboard cruising boat and we've been cruising since, along with working and raising a couple of children aboard. It's difficult to imagine what it would have cost me if I had not been able to present a good plan with that sketch in the sand.

Lovely CaptForce. Wishing you MANY more years!

Darby

[deckofficer]

Originally Posted by CaptForce

Back in 1970, fresh out of college, I talked a young lady into moving on a sailboat by first scratching out an outline of the cabin spaces in the beach sand. In 1971 we bought our first liveaboard cruising boat and we've been cruising since, along with working and raising a couple of children aboard. It's difficult to imagine what it would have cost me if I had not been able to present a good plan with that sketch in the sand.

Good thing you had that sand and an artistic big toe. Too bad during your time of raising the kids aboard was "pre-blog", I always enjoy those stories.