Dealing with parents disagreement

[valhalla360]

Originally Posted by S/V Illusion

Now lets hear your parents' perspective, not your interpretation.

Excellent idea.

Take your computer over and show them this thread and then have them write out their concerns in a post.
1) It will give us and you an idea if you are correctly interpreting their concerns.
2) The process of writing it out helps set the emotions aside (likely emotions on both sides).
3) With the concerns in writing, you have a place to start to discuss them and find solutions.

Someone else said it better than I did...going through the process of addressing their concerns forces you to go through the hard part of vetting the practicality of your dream.

[MIRELOS]

life is but a path, you make your own path as you go along.....enjoy life

[roland stockham]

There is a saying that generals always fight the last war not the one they are in. Parents are the same, they see to need for you to solve the problems they faced not the ones you face. For example my dad grew up in the depression of the 1930's and through WW2, he was really keen on safety and security and wanted us to have the sort of career that meant o 'job for life'. Understanding how your parents see life may help. If it doesn't it's your life not theirs and you only get one turn!

[Ken Z]

Be honest with yourself and boyfriend, focus, let your heart set the course, go for it. I did 45 yrs. ago. when sailing face the bow not the stern....🤩🤩👍👍

[captmikem]

Andrada

If it is what you Really Really want to do, then do it but give it all you have.

I wise man once told me “Find what you really like to do, get very good at it, then find someone to pay you to do it.”

I was brought up on a small cattle ranch but I always wanted to sail. I ended up as an Electronic Engineer. I was bored to death. I quit and went to sea on a small sail boat (65 ft yawl) teaching sailing and navigation while sailing around the Caribbean making $50 US dollars a week. (and did not get paid for the last month).

I made little money but I had a great time and I gained experience. I ended up driving commercial ships and Mega Yachts. But my parents always wanted me to get a “real” job.

To quote Ricky Nelson, “You see, you can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself”

Have a great adventure. Life is way to short to waste a day, much less a lifetime, doing something you just don’t want to do, when all you have to do is….. do what you like!

M

[JPA Cate]

Hello, Andrada,

I am Ann, and I have been cruising for over 30 yrs, with my husband, Jim. When we started out cruising, we met some younger people, cruising in tiny boats, 20-22 ft. They were having a wonderful time, and found work somehow, as they went along.

I, personally, do not think you will find that you can both cruise and make a living supplemented with ad hoc chartering. We have had a couple of friends who tried it, but the problem was that most of the desirable places to take somebody out for a sail on that basis, there are already licensed charterers, who do not appreciate the competition, and in once case reacted with physical violence; plus most civilized countries (and most are civilized by now) would require your visa to be endorsed for work inside their country. Such visas sometimes require sponsors within the country. Maybe it is this sort of difficulty which is bothering your mother.

I think your grandmother's concerns may have to do with end of life issues, and it is really not your time in life to worry about those. Depends on her if she could hear that from you.

What I would suggest are two things: try to involve them in some way, in supporting your efforts--helping with FB would serve that purpose, perhaps. Also, answer their questions carefully, try to hear what their fears are, and address them. I do NOT think they are jealous. They may view it as an antisocial decision, and worry for your opting out of your/their culture. Your answers should aim to allay such fears.

It is true that some may resent your leaving them (perhaps forever). I don't fully understand it, but leaving people triggers their latent fears of abandonment, so not letting discussions get to the point of distressful feelings will help. Mostly, I think they want to know you love them even though you're going away.

Maybe they are the kind of people who expect you to come back and care for them in their old age. It is an issue you will have to decide at the time. Circumstances change, plus cultures change slowly, and old expectations die hard. Most elder parents are grateful for whatever help they can get at those times.

One more issue with which you will have to cope is that it may take a lot longer than you anticipate for free travel to come back. Cruising itself, and the forms it has taken in the past are changing now, and it's anybody's guess when countries will remove quarantine restrictions upon entry. So your timing for this enterprise may be negatively affected by the coronavirus pandemic.

They may feel better about the project if they feel your work life will be rewarding enough to fund return trips to home in case of emergencies.

When you're feeling really enthusiastic about your plans, if you can, pull back a tiny bit, and ask yourself this question: What could possibly go wrong? Answering that question for yourself and your boyfriend, will help you to answer also, your mother's and grandmothers' fears.

******

Now, the other issue is the lad, himself. If they cannot trust him, for any reason, it will be very much more difficult to secure their support and participation.

Ann

[Tellie]

If you really want to ease this guilt button parents are great at pushing, (especially Moms) and get a great perspective to know how stupid kids are and the many dumb things they do to drive their parents nuts. Just take your grandparents out to a nice lunch and ask them about all the dumb things their kids did.

[BlackHeron]

My mother said that I should wait until after she was dead so she wouldn't need to worry about me. I told her that she would very likely outlive me, being a male and having a shorter lifespan, and that It is hard to follow one's dreams after one is dead.

[Tellie]

Kinda of an anthem of mine.





I was a rebel from the day I left school
Grew my hair long and broke all the rules
I'd sit and listen to my records all day
With big ambitions of when I could play

My parents taught me what life was about
So I grew up the type they warned me about
They said my friends were just an unruly mob
And I should get a haircut and get a real job

Get a haircut and get a real job
Clean your act up and don't be a slob
Get it together like your big brother Bob
Why don't you get a haircut and get a real job

I even tried that nine to five scene
I told myself that it was all a bad dream
I found a band and some good songs to play
Now I party all night, I sleep all day

I met this chick, she was my number one fan
She took me home to meet her mommy and dad
They took one look at me and said "Oh my god!"
Get a haircut and get a real job

Get a haircut and get a real job
Clean your act up and don't be a slob
Get it together like your big brother Bob
Why don't you get a haircut and get a real job
Get a real job, why don't you get a real job
Get a real job, why don't you get a real job

I hit the big time with my rock and roll band
The future's brighter now than I'd ever planned
I'm ten times richer than my big brother Bob
But he's got a haircut he's got a real job

Get a haircut and get a real job
Clean your act up and don't be a slob
Get it together like your big brother Bob
Why don't you get a haircut and get a real job

Get a real job, why don't you get a real job
Get a real job, why don't you get a real


George Thorogood

[letsgetsailing3]

Originally Posted by JPA Cate

I, personally, do not think you will find that you can both cruise and make a living supplemented with ad hoc chartering.

It also crossed my mind that trying to charter a boat you're living on would make for a very difficult lifestyle. Not sure if that part is a reasonable plan.

[BugzyCan]

I went through the same things when I sold everything and moved to portugal to buy a bar, and then again when I started riding motorcycles, and now I have a boat, and the paranoia from everyone that never tried it begins again.

Safety is important. Tell them if they are worried about you, they can buy you some things like

- fire extinguishers
- VHS radio
- EPIRB
- Radar
- Chart plotter
- Satellite phone
- High quality life jackets
- Nice weather proof sailing jacket and pants
- Quality dingy (that you promise to always have towing behind the boat)
- AK-47 (for the pirates)
- Tasers
- Bear spray
- Sharp knives

Whatever they feel you need to be safe, and promise you will call them at least once a week to check in, and if they are nice, you might take them sailing one day.

[Tellie]

Originally Posted by BugzyCan

I went through the same things when I sold everything and moved to portugal to buy a bar, and then again when I started riding motorcycles, and now I have a boat, and the paranoia from everyone that never tried it begins again.

Safety is important. Tell them if they are worried about you, they can buy you some things like

- fire extinguishers
- VHS radio
- EPIRB
- Radar
- Chart plotter
- Satellite phone
- High quality life jackets
- Nice weather proof sailing jacket and pants
- Quality dingy (that you promise to always have towing behind the boat)
- AK-47 (for the pirates)
- Tasers
- Bear spray
- Sharp knives

Whatever they feel you need to be safe, and promise you will call them at least once a week to check in, and if they are nice, you might take them sailing one day.

That's actually great advice, throw in a watermaker, life raft, a really nice life raft, extra fuel tankage, some bail fund monies, etc. Tell them it's for your safety and get them to buy 2/3rds of the expensive stuff. A tad Machiavellian I suppose but hey, thems the breaks.

[conchaway]

I don't think it's sailing your people are worried about. However, if you are both "adult" age, you can do as you please.
REMEMBER, if you are not legally married to this person, you have no legal claim to this person or his property (unless you have legal documents that you are co-owner).

[sail sfbay]

Originally Posted by Andrada_123

...............I wanted to ask all of you how your parents reacted when you wanted to "get out of the system" and start sailing..............my mother and grandmother are freaked out...........literally.. and it's a very big scandal over and over again. I was thinking how other people deal with this problem. How did you make your parents understand?

Welcome to the forum!! Remember this is YOUR dream so go forth and do it, while sharing with your mother and grandmother about how you plan to approach and live this dream SAFELY and HAPPILY.

[hpeer]

Get this book.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B603S16...ng=UTF8&btkr=1

Read it.

Tell you old folks “It’s OK, I have read the manual.”

Anne Hill did something similar to what you are proposing, but was more extreme. She has had a good life.

Then there is this:
https://www.amazon.com/Cruising-Sera.../dp/B003ZK5PPC

Also a good read.

In both cases you are reading from the perspective of a young, enthused girl. Your perspective.

M a 69 year old man, what the hell do I know of your dreams and capabilities?