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Old 14-10-2019, 09:27   #151
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Post Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

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Originally Posted by Dixie Bagley View Post
My brother's long lost brother miraculously, but wonderfully, resurfacing back in our life shortly after we had a new mast installed on a boat we'd spent 6 months repairing. He and his new girlfriend have booked tickets for a month to come from Europe to the US to travel and visit.

They booked their tickets over Christmas/New Year. The only time the kids and I can use the boat. I feel forced into this, and feel like we are being taking advantage of. We already spent a week with them on the boat in April (spending a lot of money trying to meet their airline itinerary when the kids and I only had 8 days on the boat). We rented cars to fetch them and completely changed our sailing plan. At this time, WE WERE GLAD TO DO THIS. I will admit because of the long overdue reunion for my husband and his brother, it truly was a JOY for all of us to have them connect. We invited them and treated them like prodigal family. Tears were shed. My husband needed this and I was so happy for him. But now I'm starting to take note that they've never once, in 15 years, come to visit us in our un-stately home, in our un-hip city, to reconnect. They met our children for the first time only in April once they boarded the boat.

I have a lot of Christian guilt about my anger towards them booking tickets to the US in December assuming they can just hop on the boat when they get ready. They are suggesting their preferred Caribbean ports to fly into so they can save money on flights from the US to our boat.... "we have 12 days to come sailing with you! So excited! Can't wait! How about X airport?" stupidly assuming that the Caribbean can be sailed across like it's a car in Rhode Island!

And I hear the posters loud and clear that think folks should be grateful to have friends and family to spend time with. I get it. And would normally preach the same thing. But I am just being honest even if it makes me awful. It is part of my nature to want to give people a great experience, whether in my car, my home or my boat. I like to cook, to serve drinks, to keep things tidy, to make sure we are well provisioned, and I also feel obligated to give my guests the best bed, the best seat, the best steak, the last glass, and the best views. I wish I could just kick back and let guests fend for themselves, but I'm just wired differently. A Martha who would love to be a Mary, but I am what I am.

What are they doing the 2 weeks before Christmas when they land in the US...are they coming to our un-hip city to hang out with us in our not-fabulous home? Of course not! They are headed to the coast to sight see, wanting to meet us only, conveniently, a day or two after we land at our boat. (When of course we will be well provisioned in food and drink, with sails on, cushions and dinghy scrubbed, and linens on the bed). [See, I'm just so bitter. I know you can hear it through the font. God help me! And I don't mean that in vain!]
I think you are setting yourself up for misery because you are not being honest with your relatives about your feelings. When they ask you to do things outside your comfort zone or financial ability and you don't tell them "this is outside our comfort zone or financial ability", they have NO IDEA they are imposing on you.

If you say "yes" to them, they are assuming it is a joyful, honest yes, and you are fine with their suggestions. They are not mind readers! They are not boat people!

People like to go to beautiful places and do nice things. Be honest-you bought the boat to escape from your non-amazing everyday existence (as have we). You can't fault people for wanting to be with you when you're in paradise. Nobody wants to spend a crapload of hard-earned money to hang out in Cleveland for a week.

You also can't enjoy cleaning and then resent having to clean up after people. I am a clean freak, and I'm unhappy if things are messy. I expect people to clean up after themselves, and I make those expectations clear when I have guests-I'll leave funny instructions in frames that go along the lines of "I'm not your mom, I can't ground you if you leave all your towels on the floor." I embrace my love of tidy, and I don't tangle it up in other people not appreciating it, because honestly, few can.

If it were me, I would send a friendly email telling them what days you are CHOOSING to be available on the boat, and what you expect from them.

Here's how mine would go:

Dear Bob and Linda,

We are very much looking forward to seeing you this Christmas season! Here are the dates and locations we will be able to meet up with you:

San Juan, PR from December 11-14. You will need to Uber from the airport, our marina is (whatever your marina is with the address they can give to the Uber driver).

Once on board, we'll take a provisioning run together so you can make sure you have what you like food and drink-wise. (ie We're not paying for your booze)

St. John December 30-Jan 4. (and then just repeat the above with the pertinent info).

Fair Winds and Following Seas,

Your Name Here


This gives people a very clear framework to work within. If they don't like it, then, well, so sorry we can't accommodate you this year, there's always next year, and have a lovely holiday!
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Old 14-10-2019, 09:59   #152
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Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

"Once on board, we'll take a provisioning run together so you can make sure you CAN PURCHASE what you like food and drink-wise. (ie We're not paying for your booze)"

Fixed it.
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Old 14-10-2019, 10:37   #153
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Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

We had friends who moved aboard a canal boat in Europe. They were very clear at the beginning: all their friends from the States were welcome and encouraged to visit... the daily price was $25/person/day (no exceptions... even family) and they would be where they happened to be at any given time. The guest was responsible for getting to/from the boat. All subject to availability. They also said that any couple joining them would be completely responsible for meals every x days. If there were three couples on the boat, each would be responsible every third day, etc. That meant buying and preparing the food or taking everyone out.

You are headed toward an unpleasant experience: you already resent that these people invited themselves... your bitterness will be hard to hide once they arrive. Frankly, the fact that they have already booked the tickets would get my dander way up.

I would lay it on the line for them (and soon): "we expect to be at this port on this day but can't guarantee that. You (guest) will have to make arrangements to get to the boat wherever we are. We've had to set some ground rules, include a daily cost and a responsibility for your share of the meals." Perhaps nicely suggest that getting in touch BEFORE making flight reservations could avoid disappointments in the future. Finally, I wouldn't be afraid to put them off all together: "Oh! I'm so sorry but we already have friends coming during that time..."

Right now, you are being used and I think you understand that. This behavior is not going to improve and you need to nip it in the bud. Trust me, I bit my tongue for years... the resentment always comes through.

Best of luck.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dixie Bagley View Post
I feel so much for this poster. I consider myself to be the "hostest with the mostest" but in a fit of anxiety for similar reasons. Boats are a LOT of work. And money. A few posters have mentioned that there are rarely any uninvited guests for that part of boat ownership. We've left our Cat in the Caribbean and had to return to real life back in the US to put kids back in school and work again to refill the bank accounts. The boat was an Irma-damaged boat that we refiberglassed ourselves, and so our sweat is, literally, part of the shiny new gloss coat. My brother's long lost brother miraculously, but wonderfully, resurfacing back in our life shortly after we had a new mast installed on a boat we'd spent 6 months repairing. He and his new girlfriend have booked tickets for a month to come from Europe to the US to travel and visit.

They booked their tickets over Christmas/New Year. The only time the kids and I can use the boat. I feel forced into this, and feel like we are being taking advantage of. We already spent a week with them on the boat in April (spending a lot of money trying to meet their airline itinerary when the kids and I only had 8 days on the boat). We rented cars to fetch them and completely changed our sailing plan. At this time, WE WERE GLAD TO DO THIS. I will admit because of the long overdue reunion for my husband and his brother, it truly was a JOY for all of us to have them connect. We invited them and treated them like prodigal family. Tears were shed. My husband needed this and I was so happy for him. But now I'm starting to take note that they've never once, in 15 years, come to visit us in our un-stately home, in our un-hip city, to reconnect. They met our children for the first time only in April once they boarded the boat.

I have a lot of Christian guilt about my anger towards them booking tickets to the US in December assuming they can just hop on the boat when they get ready. They are suggesting their preferred Caribbean ports to fly into so they can save money on flights from the US to our boat.... "we have 12 days to come sailing with you! So excited! Can't wait! How about X airport?" stupidly assuming that the Caribbean can be sailed across like it's a car in Rhode Island!

And I hear the posters loud and clear that think folks should be grateful to have friends and family to spend time with. I get it. And would normally preach the same thing. But I am just being honest even if it makes me awful. It is part of my nature to want to give people a great experience, whether in my car, my home or my boat. I like to cook, to serve drinks, to keep things tidy, to make sure we are well provisioned, and I also feel obligated to give my guests the best bed, the best seat, the best steak, the last glass, and the best views. I wish I could just kick back and let guests fend for themselves, but I'm just wired differently. A Martha who would love to be a Mary, but I am what I am.

What are they doing the 2 weeks before Christmas when they land in the US...are they coming to our un-hip city to hang out with us in our not-fabulous home? Of course not! They are headed to the coast to sight see, wanting to meet us only, conveniently, a day or two after we land at our boat. (When of course we will be well provisioned in food and drink, with sails on, cushions and dinghy scrubbed, and linens on the bed). [See, I'm just so bitter. I know you can hear it through the font. God help me! And I don't mean that in vain!]

So for those thinking we are all scrooges. Perhaps... hold your stones. We've put blood, sweat, tears and our family treasure into repairing, and now maintaining, an Irma-damaged sailboat. I've learned that just because someone has the "space" in their home, beach house, car, or fishing boat... the space is only a small part of a much larger equation, with variables you might not know, maybe even can't know.

I have the most lovely (and in every other way so hospitable, helpful and generous) Aunt and Uncle who have a killer lake house. Right on the outskirts of town, an hour drive for all of my family. With many bedrooms and lots of amenities. That they only very occasionally use. It sits empty for at least 10 months of the year. The family snickers and stews that the "family" are never invited to visit, or given invitations to use when it is empty. I now have a totally different perspective and view them as wise, wise, wise.

Prayers appreciated. Smooth sailing to all!
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Old 18-10-2019, 07:39   #154
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Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

Quote:
Originally Posted by senormechanico View Post
"Once on board, we'll take a provisioning run together so you can make sure you CAN PURCHASE what you like food and drink-wise. (ie We're not paying for your booze)"

Fixed it.
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Old 18-10-2019, 10:31   #155
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Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

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Originally Posted by The Black Pig View Post
My wife and I are cruising on a old 32 ft. We're very content with our life, and I get the impression that it shows to friends landlubbers. The reality is that cruising is not that "epic" or "amazing!!!" as they think it is!
Yes we do have some unforgetable moments, colorful sunset, anchorages just for ouselves, memorable fishing, meet good people...
But those are the highlights of cruising. We often have to shelter from the weather sometimes staying in the boat for days, playing cards or fixing things and we're happy to spend this time together my wife and I.
We rarely go to the bar in fact the only money we spend is on stocking up food and on parts for the boat.
Some of our friends are happy to spend in a day what we spend in weeks or a month... But to them we're living the life!
In 5 years sailing we took 2 people for a week and by the end of it we were glad to see them going.
We also took few friends for a day sail or at anchor. After a couple of hours it become akward having to untertain them.
Every few month we get request for friends especially not so close friends wanting to "visit" us. What they really want is having a day on the boat. Whoever owns it.
How would you go about turning them down politely? Why do friends feel so entitled to go sailing with us because we have a boat???
Social media "friends" that I don't know (as in not real people) showed up at the dock one time in Panama, expecting me to show them a good time. It didn't work out well for them, because among other things that happened that week - the police were surveilling the boat yard for suspects in a break in at our business.

I am not a friendly person, as some have informed me, and confirmed by my father and uncles - those kinds of "friends" shouldn't travel outside of their bedrooms, let alone six hours on a jet from New Yaak City to visit on a whim.
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Old 04-11-2019, 11:55   #156
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Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

I hear two things in this message:
1. you have a frugal lifestyle, and
2. you have a few hospitality obligations every year.

It sounds like the real issue here is that you can't afford to provide guests with a yacht club entertainment experience, and perhaps maybe you would prefer not to share the realities of your lifestyle with friends and acquaintances.

I suggest that you solve both problems with a thoughtful invitation that lets you control the event and get what you want and need, while also keeping your social calendar active in a way that gets *you* an invitation to *their* garden parties and Superbowl festivities in return.

For example, if someone asks to visit, you can first ask them for their email address and let them know that you will put something together and get back to them. Then use one of the free e-card services to follow up with an invitation for a potluck sailing excursion. Specify whatever you will want or need to enjoy a day out with friends, and let them supply the food, drinks, and toilet paper while you provide the service.

And while you're out there, don't forget to mention that you would like to visit their home for Thanksgiving or during the month of February. :-)

The point is that it's totally normal for people to want to spend a day sailing with friends or acquaintances, but nobody expects you to be a travel service. If the people who want to go out on your boat decline your invitation to bring sundries and refreshments, then you're off the hook and you don't have to do something you don't want to do! If they take you up on it, then you are the better off for it! It's a win-win, and you might even advance some of your other goals in the process.
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Old 04-11-2019, 13:32   #157
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Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

Think about this: maybe most of these people don't want a day out on the water so much as just to see your boat. Kind of like visiting a person's new house. A boat may be a real novelty in their world. You all love your boats and sailing and think it is the greatest thing ever. Well, the average Joe has never sailed, and depending on the sailing conditions, might quickly become very disenchanted with your piece of heaven. They may be quite happy just to see it or for just a quick ride around the harbor.

Saying that you charge people for boat rides is tacky. If you dislike the people that much that you don't want them on board, just tell them that the logistics won't work. But if you dislike them that much, quit communicating with them--period. They can't show up unannounced if you don't tell them where you will be.
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Old 28-04-2020, 03:13   #158
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Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

"Yes of course you can come out in the boat with us sometime - we could split the fuel costs"
"How much? really depends how far we go, but it usually works out at about £?? (sorry based in UK) per mile. Hello? Hello? Are you still there?"
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Old 01-05-2020, 05:14   #159
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Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

anti-social or non-gregarious?
I kinda like most people, but I really like them far away.
"I'm workin' on it." works quite well indeed.
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Old 02-05-2020, 06:17   #160
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Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

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Originally Posted by cherylchecheryl View Post

Saying that you charge people for boat rides is tacky.
One person's tacky is another person's cultural expectation.
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Old 02-05-2020, 07:29   #161
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Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

I have a person in my family who lives within an hour and remains closer to my ex than to me. She and her husband are self-righteous religious types who accused me of sinning when the divorce happened and haven't wanted anything to do with me or the lady I have been with since. That should say a lot right there, plus in the nearly 8 years I've had the house I'm in, they've visited once and that was a family event so she had little choice.

When at a different family event she learned I got the boat she suddenly became very friendly in asking questions about it. That turned into being pushy about coming to "come see" it "for a day" and talking about how much she loved sailing. When I said the boat's on the hard the response was "Well maybe when it's in the water."

It goes both ways at this point so sure. Hold your breath.
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Old 08-05-2020, 02:48   #162
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Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

Funny stuff here!
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Old 26-10-2020, 14:55   #163
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Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

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Originally Posted by The Black Pig View Post
I wouldnt feel offended to have someone say:
"Its a dream of mine to go cruising, whenever you need crew I'll come over"
In which case I reply that we dont currently need anybody but we'll keep it in mind. Its easier for both sides but most of the time we get messages like:
"Oh you are there! Im not that far I'll pop by tomorow maybe we can go sailing"...
A sail in 8-12 foot seas should shorten the visit!
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Old 26-10-2020, 17:51   #164
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Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

Your boat is your home. Your health depends on the sanitary conditions on your boat. A 32' likely has one head. Tell them they have to have a Covid test.
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Old 18-12-2020, 15:17   #165
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Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

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Originally Posted by Favoured Tack View Post
Stock answer...

“Would love to spend a couple of hours on the water with you. Let us know where you will be staying and we can meet up...weather permitting.”
Our insurance company put a hold on that.
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