Cruisers Forum
 


Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Rate Thread Display Modes
Old 02-09-2019, 06:28   #136
Registered User
 
wingssail's Avatar

Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: On Vessel WINGS, wherever there's an ocean, currently in Mexico
Boat: Serendipity 43
Posts: 5,523
Send a message via AIM to wingssail Send a message via Skype™ to wingssail
Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Simi 60 View Post
All good until you get your gear checked (yes, it has happened) or you actually need them.
That is exactly right. In the USA or anywhere where there might be CG or Marine Police we'd have worried about a ticket. Here there is no risk of that.

We had 6 life jackets, plus our 4 inflatables, which makes it close, (we had a total 15 persons, Judy and I, two crew members, and eleven guests, but only and 10 life jackets, appropriately sized) but when the larger number of persons showed up we had to decide what to do. Rather than disappoint them we went anyhow. That decision would have looked less wise if a non-swimmer had fallen off (or the boat sunk).

This is not any different than our racing trips, of which we done a fair amount, and rarely does anyone choose to wear a PFD. On our boat, in normal conditions, it's their choice.
__________________
These lines upon my face tell you the story of who I am but these stories don't mean anything
when you've got no one to tell them to Fred Roswold Wings https://wingssail.blogspot.com/
wingssail is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-09-2019, 08:11   #137
Registered User
 
senormechanico's Avatar

Join Date: Aug 2003
Boat: Dragonfly 1000 trimaran
Posts: 7,192
Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

And the water's warm, it's daylight and it's probably not blowing 40.
__________________
“An evil man will burn his nation to the ground to rule over the ashes.”


Sun Tzu
senormechanico is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-09-2019, 09:17   #138
Registered User

Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 65
Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tetepare View Post
Land people make a mess and stuff up the toilet.
I'm laughing at this...I want to put it on a T-shirt!
Pelican_38 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-09-2019, 01:00   #139
Registered User
 
Faye's Avatar

Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Lymington, UK
Boat: Beneteau
Posts: 6
Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

Quote:
Originally Posted by boatman61 View Post
Bit harsh..
Theres sharing and theres being taken advantage off by spongers bearing token gifts.
Cheap £5 Tesco wine in exchange for good spirits comes under that heading.
That's what I was trying to explain. I'll be clearer in explanation next time. People are always harsh in life... no bother...
Faye is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-09-2019, 01:10   #140
Registered User
 
Faye's Avatar

Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Lymington, UK
Boat: Beneteau
Posts: 6
Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

Hi, they invite themselves buy saying it's a nice weekend (in text) and they were thinking it would be great if they could join us on the boat for the weekend. - no I'm not a pushover - they don't show up un announced, always a call or a message asking if they can come out for the weekend (same 2 couples) once I said yes let's go out and they text back saying great why don't we invite xxxxx aswell like it's a shared boat contract! I said I didn't have enough lifejackets for everyone on this occasion. - throughout the summer between the two couples it's a message every weekend. Of course I say we can on some of them and no on others but I just feel it's a bit rude to ask so much.

They do 'help themselves' when they run out of drink. I have now said to people they need to bring more with them.

I guess last year I was too much if a YES man and they now think it's acceptable so hence this year I said we wanted time on our own which I think is perfectly acceptable. This has given time to prioritize my family coming out rather than the same friends.



Quote:
Originally Posted by wingssail View Post
Just how do they do this?

I think it is gracious hospitality to invite people to go out on your boat, and I am all for that. But how do they invite themselves? Are you a pushover? Do they show up unannounced and tell you "Were goin' out"?

All you have to do is welcome them aboard and just sit there. They are not going to start your motor and drive away, are they?

"Can we go out?", "Sorry, we can't today." Easy.

They are not going to go below and open you liquor locker and get into your rum, are they?

Be friendly and keep smiling until they get the idea that it's not happening.

You don't need to be a pushover.

Take control. Invite who you want, when you want and take control of the situation.
Faye is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-09-2019, 01:18   #141
Registered User
 
Faye's Avatar

Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Lymington, UK
Boat: Beneteau
Posts: 6
Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

Well there's sharing and there is taking the Mick.
Sounds like your the only adult who likes taking by suggesting I don't like sharing.




Quote:
Originally Posted by Fore and Aft View Post
Faye I will keep an eye out for a yacht called Door Mat. Not sure I would come over and chat as you sound like an only child who does not like sharing!
Cheers
Faye is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-09-2019, 01:23   #142
Registered User
 
Fore and Aft's Avatar

Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Gympie
Boat: Volkscruiser
Posts: 2,774
Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

It’s the good old give an inch take a mile situation.
How much are you drinking, we have a few drinks onboard but it’s not until the boat is tied up do we have a few more. Even then I prefer to take the party to the pub rather than get pissed around the water.
Calling me an adult might be stretching it. I was the eldest and was always made to share. That’s why I believe in “paying it forward” if I added up all the favours I have given and had returned I would still be debt.
Cheers
Fore and Aft is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-10-2019, 18:14   #143
Registered User

Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 2
Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

Quote:
Originally Posted by degouwb View Post
Wow....I'm amazed at how many boat owners can't be bothered to be friendly to their supposed "friends". They must have friends on some level before and now because you have a "yacht" they become a bother??!! Sure it's a bit of bother to entertain but I'm sure you would at least be cordial if at your "land house". I always appreciate experiencing, all over again, the beauty of sailing through someone else's eyes.


Yeah really, life is so hard when you have friends who want to see you. Sounds like some people on here are prioritizing their fancy toys and kissing the point. In what world are your friends not annoying sometimes lol everyone is. Including youuu and meeeeee lmao
meganevaloud is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-10-2019, 18:14   #144
Registered User

Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 2
Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

Quote:
Originally Posted by wrwakefield View Post
Our friends and family know they are always welcome.

Once in a while we need to remind someone this is our full time home, not a weekend junket:



They also understand if we don't mutually plan well in advance [typically months] that there will be no cabin for them to sleep in. [The guest cabin is our storage most of the time. It must be emptied and the sleeping cushions brought from storage— which is on an island that may be hundreds of boating miles from our location...]

Also, the logistics for getting to us are typically somewhat involved. [Often necessitating hours of multi-hop commercial airline flights, sometimes followed by multi-day ferry rides or a chartered float plane..] The commitment to planning and expense alone precludes spontaneity on their part— let alone the lack of accommodations if we haven't prepared in advance...

We also remind them they can pick from the location[s] or date[s] we provide, but only one. [Where OR when...]

We enjoy having guests of our choosing on board [here is a post about a family of 6 we had onboard for 10 days... Very special friends— and yes, they still are... And here is a family of 5 who joined us in winter...]

We always insist guests read [and absorb...] our published information for guests before they begin planning...

This works out well for us and our guests since they always arrive prepared and with realistic expectations. They are (literally) invested in the experience...

Best wishes sorting out a process that works well for you and yours...

Cheers! Bill


Loved that post! Will follow your blog, it’s great
meganevaloud is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-10-2019, 11:34   #145
Registered User

Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 1
Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

I feel so much for this poster. I consider myself to be the "hostest with the mostest" but in a fit of anxiety for similar reasons. Boats are a LOT of work. And money. A few posters have mentioned that there are rarely any uninvited guests for that part of boat ownership. We've left our Cat in the Caribbean and had to return to real life back in the US to put kids back in school and work again to refill the bank accounts. The boat was an Irma-damaged boat that we refiberglassed ourselves, and so our sweat is, literally, part of the shiny new gloss coat. My brother's long lost brother miraculously, but wonderfully, resurfacing back in our life shortly after we had a new mast installed on a boat we'd spent 6 months repairing. He and his new girlfriend have booked tickets for a month to come from Europe to the US to travel and visit.

They booked their tickets over Christmas/New Year. The only time the kids and I can use the boat. I feel forced into this, and feel like we are being taking advantage of. We already spent a week with them on the boat in April (spending a lot of money trying to meet their airline itinerary when the kids and I only had 8 days on the boat). We rented cars to fetch them and completely changed our sailing plan. At this time, WE WERE GLAD TO DO THIS. I will admit because of the long overdue reunion for my husband and his brother, it truly was a JOY for all of us to have them connect. We invited them and treated them like prodigal family. Tears were shed. My husband needed this and I was so happy for him. But now I'm starting to take note that they've never once, in 15 years, come to visit us in our un-stately home, in our un-hip city, to reconnect. They met our children for the first time only in April once they boarded the boat.

I have a lot of Christian guilt about my anger towards them booking tickets to the US in December assuming they can just hop on the boat when they get ready. They are suggesting their preferred Caribbean ports to fly into so they can save money on flights from the US to our boat.... "we have 12 days to come sailing with you! So excited! Can't wait! How about X airport?" stupidly assuming that the Caribbean can be sailed across like it's a car in Rhode Island!

And I hear the posters loud and clear that think folks should be grateful to have friends and family to spend time with. I get it. And would normally preach the same thing. But I am just being honest even if it makes me awful. It is part of my nature to want to give people a great experience, whether in my car, my home or my boat. I like to cook, to serve drinks, to keep things tidy, to make sure we are well provisioned, and I also feel obligated to give my guests the best bed, the best seat, the best steak, the last glass, and the best views. I wish I could just kick back and let guests fend for themselves, but I'm just wired differently. A Martha who would love to be a Mary, but I am what I am.

What are they doing the 2 weeks before Christmas when they land in the US...are they coming to our un-hip city to hang out with us in our not-fabulous home? Of course not! They are headed to the coast to sight see, wanting to meet us only, conveniently, a day or two after we land at our boat. (When of course we will be well provisioned in food and drink, with sails on, cushions and dinghy scrubbed, and linens on the bed). [See, I'm just so bitter. I know you can hear it through the font. God help me! And I don't mean that in vain!]

So for those thinking we are all scrooges. Perhaps... hold your stones. We've put blood, sweat, tears and our family treasure into repairing, and now maintaining, an Irma-damaged sailboat. I've learned that just because someone has the "space" in their home, beach house, car, or fishing boat... the space is only a small part of a much larger equation, with variables you might not know, maybe even can't know.

I have the most lovely (and in every other way so hospitable, helpful and generous) Aunt and Uncle who have a killer lake house. Right on the outskirts of town, an hour drive for all of my family. With many bedrooms and lots of amenities. That they only very occasionally use. It sits empty for at least 10 months of the year. The family snickers and stews that the "family" are never invited to visit, or given invitations to use when it is empty. I now have a totally different perspective and view them as wise, wise, wise.

Prayers appreciated. Smooth sailing to all!
Dixie Bagley is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-10-2019, 12:58   #146
Registered User

Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Pensacola Florida
Boat: Jeanneau Sun Odyssey 40.3
Posts: 276
Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dixie Bagley View Post
I feel so much for this poster. I consider myself to be the "hostest with the mostest" but in a fit of anxiety for similar reasons. Boats are a LOT of work. And money. A few posters have mentioned that there are rarely any uninvited guests for that part of boat ownership. We've left our Cat in the Caribbean and had to return to real life back in the US to put kids back in school and work again to refill the bank accounts. The boat was an Irma-damaged boat that we refiberglassed ourselves, and so our sweat is, literally, part of the shiny new gloss coat. My brother's long lost brother miraculously, but wonderfully, resurfacing back in our life shortly after we had a new mast installed on a boat we'd spent 6 months repairing. He and his new girlfriend have booked tickets for a month to come from Europe to the US to travel and visit.

They booked their tickets over Christmas/New Year. The only time the kids and I can use the boat. I feel forced into this, and feel like we are being taking advantage of. We already spent a week with them on the boat in April (spending a lot of money trying to meet their airline itinerary when the kids and I only had 8 days on the boat). We rented cars to fetch them and completely changed our sailing plan. At this time, WE WERE GLAD TO DO THIS. I will admit because of the long overdue reunion for my husband and his brother, it truly was a JOY for all of us to have them connect. We invited them and treated them like prodigal family. Tears were shed. My husband needed this and I was so happy for him. But now I'm starting to take note that they've never once, in 15 years, come to visit us in our un-stately home, in our un-hip city, to reconnect. They met our children for the first time only in April once they boarded the boat.

I have a lot of Christian guilt about my anger towards them booking tickets to the US in December assuming they can just hop on the boat when they get ready. They are suggesting their preferred Caribbean ports to fly into so they can save money on flights from the US to our boat.... "we have 12 days to come sailing with you! So excited! Can't wait! How about X airport?" stupidly assuming that the Caribbean can be sailed across like it's a car in Rhode Island!

And I hear the posters loud and clear that think folks should be grateful to have friends and family to spend time with. I get it. And would normally preach the same thing. But I am just being honest even if it makes me awful. It is part of my nature to want to give people a great experience, whether in my car, my home or my boat. I like to cook, to serve drinks, to keep things tidy, to make sure we are well provisioned, and I also feel obligated to give my guests the best bed, the best seat, the best steak, the last glass, and the best views. I wish I could just kick back and let guests fend for themselves, but I'm just wired differently. A Martha who would love to be a Mary, but I am what I am.

What are they doing the 2 weeks before Christmas when they land in the US...are they coming to our un-hip city to hang out with us in our not-fabulous home? Of course not! They are headed to the coast to sight see, wanting to meet us only, conveniently, a day or two after we land at our boat. (When of course we will be well provisioned in food and drink, with sails on, cushions and dinghy scrubbed, and linens on the bed). [See, I'm just so bitter. I know you can hear it through the font. God help me! And I don't mean that in vain!]

So for those thinking we are all scrooges. Perhaps... hold your stones. We've put blood, sweat, tears and our family treasure into repairing, and now maintaining, an Irma-damaged sailboat. I've learned that just because someone has the "space" in their home, beach house, car, or fishing boat... the space is only a small part of a much larger equation, with variables you might not know, maybe even can't know.

I have the most lovely (and in every other way so hospitable, helpful and generous) Aunt and Uncle who have a killer lake house. Right on the outskirts of town, an hour drive for all of my family. With many bedrooms and lots of amenities. That they only very occasionally use. It sits empty for at least 10 months of the year. The family snickers and stews that the "family" are never invited to visit, or given invitations to use when it is empty. I now have a totally different perspective and view them as wise, wise, wise.

Prayers appreciated. Smooth sailing to all!
Perhaps your brother in law will read your post and solve your problem by changing plans, but it could create others. Have you considered this possibility?

As for your Aunt and Uncle, have they had bad experiences from your or your other relatives using the lake house? We prefer to have friends or family stay at our home while we are off sailing; they take very good care of it and we feel more secure.

You seem to be a creative writer, but I cannot help feeling there are some serious communication problems afoot.

I also have family abroad, by the way, and hope you are able to have as good a visit as I always enjoy.

Fair winds,
Leo
Leo Ticheli is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-10-2019, 01:42   #147
Registered User
 
CatNewBee's Avatar

Join Date: Aug 2017
Boat: Lagoon 400S2
Posts: 3,755
Images: 3
Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dixie Bagley View Post
I feel so much for this poster. I consider myself to be the "hostest with the mostest" but in a fit of anxiety for similar reasons. Boats are a LOT of work. And money. A few posters have mentioned that there are rarely any uninvited guests for that part of boat ownership. We've left our Cat in the Caribbean and had to return to real life back in the US to put kids back in school and work again to refill the bank accounts. The boat was an Irma-damaged boat that we refiberglassed ourselves, and so our sweat is, literally, part of the shiny new gloss coat. My brother's long lost brother miraculously, but wonderfully, resurfacing back in our life shortly after we had a new mast installed on a boat we'd spent 6 months repairing. He and his new girlfriend have booked tickets for a month to come from Europe to the US to travel and visit.

They booked their tickets over Christmas/New Year. The only time the kids and I can use the boat. I feel forced into this, and feel like we are being taking advantage of. We already spent a week with them on the boat in April (spending a lot of money trying to meet their airline itinerary when the kids and I only had 8 days on the boat). We rented cars to fetch them and completely changed our sailing plan. At this time, WE WERE GLAD TO DO THIS. I will admit because of the long overdue reunion for my husband and his brother, it truly was a JOY for all of us to have them connect. We invited them and treated them like prodigal family. Tears were shed. My husband needed this and I was so happy for him. But now I'm starting to take note that they've never once, in 15 years, come to visit us in our un-stately home, in our un-hip city, to reconnect. They met our children for the first time only in April once they boarded the boat.

I have a lot of Christian guilt about my anger towards them booking tickets to the US in December assuming they can just hop on the boat when they get ready. They are suggesting their preferred Caribbean ports to fly into so they can save money on flights from the US to our boat.... "we have 12 days to come sailing with you! So excited! Can't wait! How about X airport?" stupidly assuming that the Caribbean can be sailed across like it's a car in Rhode Island!

And I hear the posters loud and clear that think folks should be grateful to have friends and family to spend time with. I get it. And would normally preach the same thing. But I am just being honest even if it makes me awful. It is part of my nature to want to give people a great experience, whether in my car, my home or my boat. I like to cook, to serve drinks, to keep things tidy, to make sure we are well provisioned, and I also feel obligated to give my guests the best bed, the best seat, the best steak, the last glass, and the best views. I wish I could just kick back and let guests fend for themselves, but I'm just wired differently. A Martha who would love to be a Mary, but I am what I am.

What are they doing the 2 weeks before Christmas when they land in the US...are they coming to our un-hip city to hang out with us in our not-fabulous home? Of course not! They are headed to the coast to sight see, wanting to meet us only, conveniently, a day or two after we land at our boat. (When of course we will be well provisioned in food and drink, with sails on, cushions and dinghy scrubbed, and linens on the bed). [See, I'm just so bitter. I know you can hear it through the font. God help me! And I don't mean that in vain!]

So for those thinking we are all scrooges. Perhaps... hold your stones. We've put blood, sweat, tears and our family treasure into repairing, and now maintaining, an Irma-damaged sailboat. I've learned that just because someone has the "space" in their home, beach house, car, or fishing boat... the space is only a small part of a much larger equation, with variables you might not know, maybe even can't know.

I have the most lovely (and in every other way so hospitable, helpful and generous) Aunt and Uncle who have a killer lake house. Right on the outskirts of town, an hour drive for all of my family. With many bedrooms and lots of amenities. That they only very occasionally use. It sits empty for at least 10 months of the year. The family snickers and stews that the "family" are never invited to visit, or given invitations to use when it is empty. I now have a totally different perspective and view them as wise, wise, wise.

Prayers appreciated. Smooth sailing to all!
Well, think positive. This are their vacations too, they maybe rarely visit the US and the other Americas.

They do some site seeing on their own and you do not need to take care of them or entertain them all the time, A few days on board and they will be gone again. Just let them come to the boat / marina by themselves, let them choose the flights, ferries, taxi. and when they leave let them organize rheir trip back too...

This is what we have learned, guests are always welcome and we will pick them up on shore with the dinghi and bring them back to shore, but we will not sail somewhere to a schedule to get them or to bring them somewhere, boats are too slow and weather and sea conditions are more important than travel plans of visitors, so they have to be flexible and use the available transportation means on land.
__________________
Lagoon 400S2 refit for cruising: LiFeYPO4, solar and electric galley...
CatNewBee is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-10-2019, 02:32   #148
cruiser

Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: South Florida of course, lol...
Boat: Current Bristol 32, past Columbia 26, Tahiti Ketch
Posts: 245
Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

Really? Ten pages on what is - be honest - a silly subject at best. I think most of the posters really could use a few real friends. Seriously. Silly. Thread. Which of course CF is oft famous for. And the OP needs prayers - yes prayers - because she' so afraid to act without the support and blessings of the usual suspects who inhabit these useless threads? I mean really now, prayers? Sure.

OP, lissen up. If was so important to get advice on this most serious issue for an amazing ten pages, surely you must have found the ideal answer - please do let us know what you're gonna do so that we all can learn from your horrifying experience.

Carry on
Capn Jimbo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-10-2019, 04:43   #149
Registered User

Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 73
Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Capn Jimbo View Post
Really? Ten pages on what is - be honest - a silly subject at best. I think most of the posters really could use a few real friends. Seriously. Silly. Thread. Which of course CF is oft famous for. And the OP needs prayers - yes prayers - because she' so afraid to act without the support and blessings of the usual suspects who inhabit these useless threads? I mean really now, prayers? Sure.

OP, lissen up. If was so important to get advice on this most serious issue for an amazing ten pages, surely you must have found the ideal answer - please do let us know what you're gonna do so that we all can learn from your horrifying experience.

Carry on
And yet you posted too.
cherylchecheryl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-10-2019, 04:54   #150
Registered User

Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 269
Re: Why do friends feel so entitled to come on the boat?

Friends do not invite themselves - anywhere. Some family are precious and priceless and some are a pain in the ass. Family should be friends first and should not invite themselves - anywhere.
jmorrison146 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
boat

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Cyprus Volvo - why do I feel I am being ripped off ? krissteyn Europe & Mediterranean 7 26-05-2014 07:12
Feel of safety, feel of comfort DoubleWhisky Families, Kids and Pets Afloat 98 20-01-2014 13:58
Why Won't Some of You Lurkers Come into the Light ? cabo_sailor Our Community 108 06-06-2011 13:40
Clearing Customs in Bahamas - Can Friends Come Aboard ? nknowland Rules of the Road, Regulations & Red Tape 2 20-02-2011 12:15

Advertise Here


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:29.


Google+
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Social Knowledge Networks
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

ShowCase vBulletin Plugins by Drive Thru Online, Inc.