How do you deal with a bad captain?

[NoQuarter79]

I may not have picked up on the joke, but I don't find stereotypes and generalizations to be funny at all. If anything I think it fuels the fire of people's ignorance and dislike for people who aren't exactly the same as them.

I realize now that I did not tell my story properly, and left out a few crucial details. We went into this expecting to learn, and as I have stated before, we did not go in feeling entitled to anything, or feeling that we knew exactly what we were doing.

Also, I never intended this to be strictly about gender. I just didn't think it was very fair of him to snuff me out of things because I was female. And I'm sorry about the "if not better" comment. It was hypocritical of me to say that.

In the matter of the stand-on/give way vessel, I forgot to mention we were not under sail; strictly motoring. In that case, we were the give way vessel, based on what I've learned.

And after perusing the MARPOL regulations, if we were to dump in the ICW it needed to be treated. He told us that the sewage holding tank was leaking into the water tank">fresh water tank. So he told us he was dumping straight into the water.

I guess we could have tried to ask more questions or talk about certain issues more, but really I think if we were to have tried to talk to him about it, it would have turned more into a scene than it already was, which isn't an excuse, but oh well.

[NoQuarter79]

Originally Posted by FamilyVan

I don't follow your logic OP. If you know nothing about navigation and my sense here is that you do not, how do you know he should have gotten out of the big ships way? Maybe there was a shoal, maybe he was standing on with good reaso?

As for sailing too close to the buoys, was that to close for his comfort level or too close for yours? He didn't hit the buoys, did he? He might have been justifiably comfortable with passing within a few feet. Many sailors will intentionally avoid the use of spotlights because they destroy your night vision. I only turn a big light on as a matter of last resort.

It sounds to me the like the guy went down to make you noodles, a little uncomfortable with leaving such inexperienced persons topsides, and just got frustrated when you badgered him about the fork. You don't need to be very worldly or creative to find ways to eat mister noodles without a fork.

Sent from my SGH-I547C using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app

I don't know how many times I have said that we know how to sail. Just because we don't have 20 years of experience doesn't mean we're completely inexperienced.

My partner was standing at the helm, and had the GPS right in front of him. Which was a digital chart. We know enough about sailing that we can read the soundings on a chart. We knew we had the room to move over, but we won't act until we get orders to do so.

He also had full confidence in our sailing abilities. That is why he would sit on the bow when we were in the cockpit.

[tropicalescape]

I bet you dont get on other peoples boat anymore ? Why should you? Sounds like you know how to sail and dont need the encourgement(anymore!)..Have fun ,take off..

[boatman61]

Ahhhhhh...
Methinks this was new to him as well.. or he felt in the way.. not bad in itself.. but on ones own boat..
Folk go up there for space.. 30fts not a lot for 3 adults to be sharing 24/7... and newly met and a couple to boot..
Whats a great idea over a few beers and meeting where everyones getting on like a house on fire.. nuetral territory.. sometimes aint..
Take it for what it was.. a valuable experience to draw on sometime in the future.. don't worry.. be happy..
And if you run into him again.. buy him a beer..

[monte]

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by boatman61

Ahhhhhh...
Methinks this was new to him as well.. or he felt in the way.. not bad in itself.. but on ones own boat..
Folk go up there for space.. 30fts not a lot for 3 adults to be sharing 24/7... and newly met and a couple to boot..
Whats a great idea over a few beers and meeting where everyones getting on like a house on fire.. nuetral territory.. sometimes aint..
Take it for what it was.. a valuable experience to draw on sometime in the future.. don't worry.. be happy..
And if you run into him again.. buy him a beer..

Dump it on the bar, and when he asks for a glass, yell at him.

[zeehag]

some folks are not meant to sail with salty characters.
especially not ocd yottieswith asa wtf.
i would pay money to hear his stories about you. i know he has many.
learn how to sail. sounds like asa is not the be all and and all of cruising under sail.
when one is busy, one sucks up ones noodles. remember, one hand for you and one hand for boat. good luck

[sailorboy1]

4 page thread about a fork for Ramen noodles

[boatman61]

Originally Posted by sailorboy1

4 page thread about a fork for Ramen noodles

Comes under 'Can one cruise for $3000/mth..'
Not without Forks...

[sailorboy1]

Originally Posted by boatman61

Comes under 'Can one cruise for $3000/mth..'
Not without Forks...

That's why I have planned cruising budget that doesn't require ramen noodles, it just leads to crew revolt

[carstenb]

Originally Posted by sailorboy1

That's why I have planned cruising budget that doesn't require ramen noodles, it just leads to crew revolt

Maybe you should have one without forks - that way you won't be eating Ramen noodles.

[Mike OReilly]

Originally Posted by boatman61

Ahhhhhh...
Methinks this was new to him as well.. or he felt in the way.. not bad in itself.. but on ones own boat.....And if you run into him again.. buy him a beer..

I tend to agree with resident curmudgeon Boatie . Cut people a lot of slack, and try not to to immediately get your nose out of joint when faced with apparent slights. There may be more going on that simple communication, or better yet a few beers, can solve.

That said... , I don't agree anyone needs to simply suck it up when faced with abusive, sexist, racist or insulting behaviour. Just b/c he may be an old salt with lots of knowledge, that doesn't excuse him being a jerk. Respect is earned, not assumed. Being the captain is one thing. Being Captain Bligh is never acceptable (unless you enjoy being a masochist).

[NoQuarter79]

Originally Posted by sailorboy1

4 page thread about a fork for Ramen noodles

If you read it all, I would hope that you picked up it wasn't initially about the noodles. It was a guy who asked for help, but made us feel unwanted when we got there to help him.

[sailorboy1]

Originally Posted by NoQuarter79

If you read it all, I would hope that you picked up it wasn't initially about the noodles. It was a guy who asked for help, but made us feel unwanted when we got there to help him.

I did read all 4 pages, and from it the impression I got was that the fork was the biggest issue.

[oldragbaggers]

Someone commented earlier about there not being much heard from female sailors so I will chime in with my take on the "sex discrimination" angle. (I will not address the forkless noodle debacle as that has been done to death, nor the right of way issue because I wasn't there to see what actually happened.)

I think there exists in this world plenty of legitimate reasons to claim discrimination, and that real discrimination is experienced by some people and that it can be harmful, even devastating, however, I also think we live in a world of such hypersensitivity to every possible perceived (real or not real) slight that it almost seems as if people are looking for reasons to be offended sometimes. I am going to take what is probably the unpopular road by saying that to some extent we need to get over ourselves in this regard. Some of it is just too petty to be taken seriously. I think this may be one of those cases.

In this instance, regardless of what the OP may think about her capabilities I think that it only comes down to one thing, and that is that it was someone else's boat, he is the captain and it was his right to assign duties as he saw fit. Whether he assigned them based on old school beliefs about traditional gender roles is irrelevant. It was still his call. I think that the high road for the OP would have been to accept duties as assigned with a cheerful and cooperative attitude, observe the performance of duties that she wasn't assigned so that she could still learn about them, even if she wasn't an active participant, log her sea time as crew for her resume, and sit back and enjoy the ride. The next opportunity that came along may have been more to her liking and she would have had one cruise as crew under her belt and hopefully a positive reference to her credit.

I wasn't there and have no way of knowing what the personalities are of any of the three participants in this cruise, but as has been stated before, 30' is a mighty small space for 3 people who aren't all related to be cooped up for an extended time under the circumstances you deal with on a sailboat underway. The only way to make it work IMHO is with a healthy measure of good attitude, spirit of cooperation and teamwork, and a sense of humor all around. I don't know what body language, demeanor, affectations, or whatever was at play, but I urge the OP to do some honest introspection about this and try and determine if maybe this may have in any way contributed to the captains personality turning sour. (I'm not saying I think this is the case, maybe his personality was sour to start with, although according to the OP's description about their feeling about him starting out this does not seem to be the case.)

Ask yourself if maybe your feeling about being taken as less of a sailor because of your sex may have led to a little eye-rolling or other body language that may have conveyed to the captain that you were displeased with the way he was assigning duties or anything else, even if you did not express it verbally, that questioned his authority to run his ship the way he saw fit. Maybe yes, maybe no, only you know for sure.

As far as the jumping ship part..... If you were paid for the job, then it's an issue unless you felt the situation unsafe, in which case you had every right to leave regardless. But either way, you should have talked to him long before that to see if any grievances could have been worked out. It's just the right thing to do. If you had tried to communicate with him maybe he would have had a chance to tell you what it was that was bothering him and maybe it would have been something easily remedied. Or maybe not, but you don't know because you didn't try. Maybe he would have just been a complete a-hole and ordered you off the ship, in which case abandoning ship wouldn't have been on you, it would have been on him.

Just some things to think about.