Back To The Islands

[Messing About]

Thank you for the inspiration! If I am as blessed as you, at nearly 57, I could have 20 years of cruising in retirement. I would take that in a heartbeat. More and more high quality cruising boats are coming to market now. It’s exciting to believe that mine is already out there, waiting for me. Just have to find her. Starting to look like my timeline is getting better defined. Would anticipate starting to see available boats this fall and being aboard soon thereafter.

We have brought in hospice services to help me with my wife. I have taken leave from work and honestly don’t anticipate going back, except to re-establish employment for a couple of weeks following FMLA. There are some legal matters that pose a risk of having to reimburse for the cost of health insurance while I’m on leave, if I don’t return to active employment. For now, I won’t have to work until at least October. I’m enjoying not dealing with the stresses of work, but instead forcing on the stresses of care giving. Good trade.

It’s an enormous burden for a person to bear, watching a spouse die. But I knew for most of our marriage it would come to this and, honestly, as hard as relationships have proven over my life, this is a duty I am proud to perform. It’s the ultimate need from one spouse, being fulfilled by another. Besides bringing children into the world together and raising them, I can’t think of a more important spousal objective; til death do us part.

[Celestialsailor]

I had not stepped into this thread before now. I'm really sorry for what the two of you are having to go through and the powerlessness you must feel...Peace be yours...CS

[Messing About]

CS,
Thank you, both for taking time to read and for your kind words. The closer we get to the end, the harder it is to deal with. Nights are the hardest, as she’s up every 1-2 hours.

I try to remind myself, it’s training me for being aboard as a solo sailor, albeit that will require even shorter respites on overnight passages. Having something to look forward to keeps me sane. Having a few someone’s to safely talk openly with keeps me from falling into a potential depressed state.

Although, watching the ever-falling value of my house free fall $25-35k per month scares the crap out of me. Yet one more thing I’m powerless to change.

I’m sure it will all work out. I already have on hand, 3x what I plan to spend on buying the boat. The house sale proceeds are just a big comfy part of the nest egg to get me thru 5 years until social security kicks in.

Again, thanks for the nice note.

[Mariefred]

Keep the house. Rent it out. Invest the 2/3 cash and live off the income from both. You're sorted. And you have a massive emergency fund in the form of the house (which will recover in value), the cash invested, and - if it gets really bad - the boat. But how bad could it possibly get to need that lot liquidated?

Hope it all works out okay. Or as okay as it can be.

[Messing About]

Update: yesterday I underwent PRK corrective eye surgery. It’s similar to lasik but for those of us with thinner corneas. So far, so good. We did just one eye, as my weak eye does very well for reading and near vision, and my dominant eye is able to work independently for far vision. This is known as mono vision. Everyone is capable of it but some folks brains have a hard time adjusting. The test was removing the lens from my weak side glasses and spending a few weeks living that way. No challenges were incurred so we did the surgery. The benefit of mono vision is I won’t have to wear reading glasses or cheaters. Love that for sailing and fishing.

My wife is still relatively stable able to walk using a Walker but it wears her out. She still not eating but a bite or two a day. We weighed her yesterday at home and she was 64.5 pounds. It was higher than I expected, honestly, but we had been using the scales at the cancer center for many months, so there’s likely a small difference there. This will give us a new baseline weight to track weekly, when the hospice nurse visits our home.

Her cognitive issues are declining still. She doesn’t remember our grandchildren visiting two weeks ago but she does still know their names. Sometimes she forgets her fall and leg injury, she stands and says she’s going to the bathroom and then realizes her immobility and asks what’s wrong with her leg? I gently remind her and usually transport her in the wheel chair.

Regarding my boat search. I may have found a match. The seller (an original owner) and I are talking about an arrangement wherein he would keep the boat through this (Great Lakes) season, Store her again through winter, then before spring launch, we would execute our contract, subject to an out of and in the water survey. I’ve offered an informal price that includes a premium for him to give me a period of lessons and tutoring on both sailing and maintaining her.

This could be a perfect arrangement. I would then spend the 2023 Great Lakes season sailing there, before determining a time window to head east/south thru the St Lawrence seaway and Atlantic region, ultimately landing in Charlotte Harbor, Florida for fall and winter. Burnt Store Marina in Punta Gorda would become her home port.

This would be a great arrangement, if it came to happen. If not, I’m sure another boat and another plan would come my way. At least this gives me a renewed dream with which to occupy my mind when I’m not busy in my caretaker roll. Trust me, one needs a mental escape during such a challenge in life.

[thesaltytar]

My heart goes out to you. I've been through the hospice evolution. I have put some thought into end-of-life scenarios and while I have my preferences, I believe a person could do far worse than to transition while in the companionship of love and company, and I'm sure you have thought of this too, I hope it brings comfort.

The boat sounds like a promising option. Are you planning on single handing down or in parts, is the owner willing to bundle portion of the cruise south as part of the orientation and training?

[Morganministry]

We went through something very similar a couple years ago. My wife of 20 years spent her last year bed ridden from cancer. I stopped working (Truck Driver) for the year to take care of her. One thing I found was that we were closer relationship wise that last year then the previous 19. A lot of the minor things that we used to argue about became pointless. My focus was on her and our 2 kids.



A word of wisdom to you couples out there. If you want to be closer in your relationship, try putting your spouses needs above yours. And serving them.


If you want someone to talk to that has been through this, please feel free to contact me.



Scott

[Messing About]

Saltytar:
We haven’t gotten to that point yet, only my proposal of what I believe to be a premium price with a few weeks of lessons and tutoring; with my two Aussie dogs as required extra hands . . . Or paws, if you will.
I do have a brother and a few close friends who have expressed interest in crewing on the long passage.

Scott,
Thank you for your perspective and offer of support. Truly appreciated.
I’m strongest during daylight hours. During the night, after our second or third awakening for potty assistance, I’m still good to her but will admit, when she starts wanting to go outside to smoke at midnight to 2 AM, I get a little impatient and often PO’d. Last night, I acquiesced at 11. She spent the whole night on the patio couch until I awoke at 3 AM. She said she likes it better outside. I just worry about not waking when she calls out to me.

I should mention, I’ve been without a solid nights sleep for 19 days now. That wears a bit on me.

[Gadagirl]

Originally Posted by Messing About

I just worry about not waking when she calls out to me.

Invest in a baby monitor with video. We used one while taking care of each of our parents. You can then hear when they call and also see if they're trying to get up unassisted.

Note: if there are other people in the house remember to turn it off when having private or intimate conversations.

[Morganministry]

Originally Posted by Messing About

Saltytar:
We haven’t gotten to that point yet, only my proposal of what I believe to be a premium price with a few weeks of lessons and tutoring; with my two Aussie dogs as required extra hands . . . Or paws, if you will.
I do have a brother and a few close friends who have expressed interest in crewing on the long passage.

Scott,
Thank you for your perspective and offer of support. Truly appreciated.
I’m strongest during daylight hours. During the night, after our second or third awakening for potty assistance, I’m still good to her but will admit, when she starts wanting to go outside to smoke at midnight to 2 AM, I get a little impatient and often PO’d. Last night, I acquiesced at 11. She spent the whole night on the patio couch until I awoke at 3 AM. She said she likes it better outside. I just worry about not waking when she calls out to me.

On the potty assistance, be thankful that she still can get up for that. I wont go into details, but when a person in bed ridden there is a lot to clean up.


I can see the frustration over smoke breaks. Especially since this is probably not helping her situation. And lack of sleep will cause emotions like frustration and anger to be stronger. It helped me to remember that this was temporary. It looks like from your posts that she only has a few weeks. You could look at it as a long ocean passage. There will be things to do at all hours of the day or night. But you will eventually get through it. Sleep when she is sleeping. Find a way to vent your anger and frustrations away from her.

On communications, I got Vicky one of those loud hand held bells to ring to get my attention. She also had her own tablet and would spam my messenger to wake me up.

Scott

[Messing About]

Thank you Scott. Yes, do consider ourselves lucky her mobility has improved since her fall, when initially I had to carry her about like a newlywed bride. She can get in and out of bed to use the bedside potty. It takes about 15 minutes total but does beat the alternative. We’ve had two accidents.
I remind myself of the way I clean up after my dogs, daily. It’s a labor of love and so is the work of a caretaker spouse.

Her time left is so hard to figure. Some nights. Think it could come that night. Some days, I think she could see another Christmas.
The wildcard is her malnutrition. She looses about 1-2 pounds weekly. Today’s total intake was a third of a McDonalds hash brown (her request) and later 3 teaspoons of soup. She doesn’t do Enaure, despite us having 3 cases on hand.
She rarely will accept ice cream.
She simply chooses not to eat.
I know from the hospice books, not to criticize or force food on her. The body may not need it, can’t process it, as it slowly prepares to shut down.

So at 64 pounds now, how long could she go? The hospice nurse saw a patient like this once get down near 50 pounds before passing. Until then, all I can do is live and support her. Rest when I can. And dream of one day going Back to the Islands.

[Messing About]

This is a terrific read about sailing the Great Lakes.

https://www.morganscloud.com/2019/04...e-great-lakes/

[thesaltytar]

Thanks for sharing! I sailed them a long time ago on a schooner named Roseway. We came from Camden, Maine and put in at St. Ignace, Michigan. What a great experience. I think you will have much joy doing this on your own boat should it come to pass.

The St. Lawrence seaway got pretty sporty as I recall. We put in at Erie, Montreal, and Lunenburg, our only stops. Fundy was nothing but fog and tide. We had a diesel stove to stay warm by but something about the cold and damp seeped into our bones around Nova Scotia. We also ran aground there but I think you'll have much better luck.

So much to see! You're making me miss it all over again. Except for the grounding bit.

[Messing About]

Seller countered with a price I find acceptable and we have an informal agreement. It’s a top end price but I believe this is a special 23 year old boat. One owner, meticulously maintained with all records, spare parts, special tools, dinghy, full boat cover, custom cradle for storing on the hard, and the added value that he will, not only tutor me on the piloting and maintaining of the boat, but he will join me on the delivery all the way to Florida. He recommended we unstep the mast and go the Gulf route thru Chicago and Mobile, AL.
Taking the mast up and down is a little unnerving to me but that’s just my naivety, I’m sure.

He will continue using her this Great Lakes season, he’s already paid for winter storage on the hard.
I will travel there next April and find a surveyor. We will execute a contract, then out of water survey and sea trial. I will get the benefit of learning how he preps her for season launch. If all is as advertised, we will complete the sale and the dogs and I will live aboard at his marina while we learn to sail, under the sellers instruction. I will spend the whole summer of ‘23 on the Great Lakes before we head for our new, my old, port of Charlotte Harbor/Punta Gorda, FL in the fall, hurricane activity depending. Late season storms in the Gulf are a reality.

This plan will allow me to spend the entire winter ‘23/24 cruising, sailing, fishing Southwest Florida and the Keys. By Spring of ‘24, I will be ready for a break and will store her on the hard, returning to Arizona to see friends/family throughout the summer. In the fall of ‘24, I will be back on the boat and plan to head for the Bahamas, Turks and Caicos, Puerto Rico and beyond to La Caribe!

[JPA Cate]

First, a bit about nicotine addiction. Along time ago, I was a chemical dependency counselor. It is that the "need" for another "fix" makes the subject feel anxious, and another fix is about the only thing that leads to feeling "normal". I had a terrible time with my mother's nicotine addiction. She'd smoke hooked up to her oxygen--a real fire hazard, and she couldn't move quickly, either. At this point in her life, it is a real relief you give her when you get up to help her do it. You just gotta compartmentalize, and focus on the relief and the love you show her. It is too late to treat her addiction. Her decision is made.

We have had a close friend with liver cancer. She decided to go the nil by mouth route. She was gone in 4 weeks. Her loving husband took care of her the whole time, eventually with in home assistance. Their cruise together ended in Southeast Asia.

You can do this. And it is a praiseworthy accomplishment: you shall surely have earned your boat! And, it sounds lovely, a
gem. Some Australian friends of ours did this in about 1989, and they had a lovely trip. Before you re-step the mast would be a good time to look at all the attachments, halyards and topping lifts, and have a rigger look at the wire; lubricate whatever needs it, etc., so the vessel will be ready for her next adventure.

Peace, Friend.

Ann