Cruisers & Sailing Forums (http://www.cruisersforum.com/forums/)
-   Families, Kids and Pets Afloat (http://www.cruisersforum.com/forums/f92/)
-   -   Caribbean Bound In June, But Wife With Cold Feet (http://www.cruisersforum.com/forums/f92/caribbean-bound-in-june-but-wife-with-cold-feet-183364.html)

zstine 17-04-2017 19:26

Caribbean Bound In June, But Wife With Cold Feet
 
We bought our boat 4 years ago ultimately to go to the Caribbean when our 2 girls were 6 and 8yrs. This would give us time to learn and update the boat and was a good age for the kids to cruise and get a lot out of the experience. But as our June 2017 departure nears, my wife started showing signs she was not 'on-board' with the trip. No communication as to why, but I think it's rooted in living tiny. In the last few months that has become more than just butterflies as she has refused to sign papers for the kids passports and today she signed them up for summer camp.
I have already left my job, sold our mooring, my car, motorcycle, etc. We've spent over $20k and countless hours getting the boat ready... She says now, she's not going and not allowing the kids to go either. Not sure what to do... I want them to come with me like they had agreed to do so many years ago. I think it would be fantastic for everyone, but that dream seems dead. And now I have to choose between my dreams and my kids. horrible... sorry, no real question. I'm just confused now.

rbyham 17-04-2017 19:38

Re: Caribbean Bound In June, But Wife With Cold Feet
 
Not sure where you are located but would it help to scale plans back and let wife get used to things in a more gradual way? Like maybe the Keys first or even longer voyages on whatever your local sailing grounds are. Could be that the Caribbean feels like too far and too big for her at this point...

Kenomac 17-04-2017 19:41

Re: Caribbean Bound In June, But Wife With Cold Feet
 
You only have one logical choce... keep your family together on land. YOUR DREAM is either dead or you'll need to be content with day and weekend sailing and possibly waiting until the kids are grown... like we did. It's not all about you.

That's life.

BTW: What size is the boat and with what amenities? You weren't trying to go full time camping on a boat were you? If so, I'm on you wife's side.

tp12 17-04-2017 19:49

Re: Caribbean Bound In June, But Wife With Cold Feet
 
There's nothing left for it but to cut her loose, I'm afraid. Call your solicitor now.

Just kidding! You need to talk to her and understand why she feels the way she does and see if it's something that can be worked out. She might want a bigger, more comfortable boat....she might not want to leave friends and family ...there could be many reasons why she's bailing out. Only you two can work out if there's a workable compromise and, if there isn't, you'll need to make a difficult decision.

Diesel Bill 17-04-2017 19:49

Re: Caribbean Bound In June, But Wife With Cold Feet
 
Sailing and cruising life style has been my dream since I was a teenager. I finally reached a point in my life where it's possible but my wife is firm she's not interested. I'm thinking start small. Catalina for a weekend and gradually further.
Might that work for you? Many woman (not all) are nest builders and don't want to give up the home for some unknown. Start small and see how it goes.

Sea Dreaming 17-04-2017 19:58

Re: Caribbean Bound In June, But Wife With Cold Feet
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by zstine (Post 2373577)
But as our June 2017 departure nears, my wife started showing signs she was not 'on-board' with the trip. No communication as to why

Did you ask why?
You said, "I think it's because...."

What the heck does thinking have to do with it?
Do you read minds?

If you are not asking, and LISTENING, that maybe the real problem.

Your wife has taken some extreme steps away from the plans you made. Get off your duff, step away from the computer and go talk to your wife. Really listen to what she has to say. Do not argue, cajole or whine. Put aside every thought except what she has to tell you.

CarlF 17-04-2017 20:15

Re: Caribbean Bound In June, But Wife With Cold Feet
 
My bet is that it has nothing to do with the boat. She's worried about the kids.

They are just reaching the age when they have friends and interests. And school is getting real.

Are the kids excited about going?

A mother is only as happy as her least happy child.

FutureStories 17-04-2017 20:25

Re: Caribbean Bound In June, But Wife With Cold Feet
 
So Your Wife/GF Doesn't Want to Sail, Here is Why and Here is What You can do About i

http://www.cruisersforum.com/forums/...d.php?t=180999

^^ have you seen this one yet?

I offered to get my girlfriend a sailing class after reading this. And that night when I was watching sailing on YouTube as she was going to bed. And she stayed up and watched it with me. Now she claims to want to go to the Caribbean and is lobbying for a bigger boat.

StuM 17-04-2017 20:28

Re: Caribbean Bound In June, But Wife With Cold Feet
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Sea Dreaming (Post 2373593)
Did you ask why?
You said, "I think it's because...."

What the heck does thinking have to do with it?
Do you read minds?

If you are not asking, and LISTENING, that maybe the real problem.

Your wife has taken some extreme steps away from the plans you made. Get off your duff, step away from the computer and go talk to your wife. Really listen to what she has to say. Do not argue, cajole or whine. Put aside every thought except what she has to tell you.

This! :thumb:

robert sailor 17-04-2017 20:36

Re: Caribbean Bound In June, But Wife With Cold Feet
 
Sticky wicket for sure, I'm glad I'm not in your shoes, good luck.

JPA Cate 17-04-2017 21:20

Re: Caribbean Bound In June, But Wife With Cold Feet
 
zstine,

Is this a hurricane season issue? June seems an odd time, to me., for what you have planned.

I'll have to agree with Sea Dreaming, that you need to start asking some questions and really listen to the answers.

For sure, this one is a big deal, not something small.

Ann

PS. It would help others tailor their posts to you if you gave us an idea approximately where you are, and what boat you have (with its size), and even experience levels for you, wife, and kids.

JeffBr 17-04-2017 21:51

Re: Caribbean Bound In June, But Wife With Cold Feet
 
June is not the best time to go to the Carribean, Keys a are nice and the Bahamas are only 45 miles from ft Lauderdale. The summer can be a bit rough in the keys and really hot. May want to rethink the timing.
Jeff

zstine 17-04-2017 23:27

Re: Caribbean Bound In June, But Wife With Cold Feet
 
to answer some of your questions. I have 20+ years sailing experience, the wife & kids 5. the boat is a Tartan 41, water maker, refrigeration, 530W solar, newly rebuilt V-berth & storage, 2 cabins aft for the kids, bimini, new sails, new instruments, added 2nd fuel tank, inner forestay, etc. We've been cruising from the Narraganset to Cap May, NJ mostly weekends, occasionally a week and are currently in NJ.

:peace:Boy some people are harsh.. of course I talk to my wife. Getting her to tell me how she feels is another story. She's said "I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around leaving" and "I'm not sure I can live in a tiny boat" and " I don't want to be so far from my parents". She is passive aggressive, If you do something she hates, she says "oh, that's very nice" then...ugh. she will tell you what you want to hear and do something else. Why else would she OK a new $5k water maker (and lots more) and a month later poo poo the trip? That's her MO. She will avoid a small argument today at the expense of tomorrow... and this is not the first major family commitment she bailed out on.. Now its the 11th hour and the sh!t hits the fan. She sees how pissed I am and says we can leave June 2018.. yeah, And I have a deal on the Brooklyn Bridge! Communication is not our strong suit. Honestly, I just think she's afraid of leaving a comfortable lifestyle for one she thinks is 'hard', But because she recognizes the immorality of a big house with A/C, 2 cars, etc, she would never admit she wants that. She wants to be a tough, hippy, earthy girl, (she is at heart.. maybe?) but I think she has become a softy that loves her big TV, convenient malls, etc and is having a hard time leaving this lifestyle... This is not my dream for me (i never said it was Kenomac). This 12mo cruise will provide a rich cultural and worldly experience that my kids just can't get in a NJ classroom. They've bought bathing suits, and sand toys, watched Delos and want to be friends with the Pfeiffers (vlog in SXM). It also will show us a bit about living sustainability and helping the environment, something that helps all of us. I think robbing the kids of this opportunity is horrible for them... so obviously leaving when they are old is not a solution.

June is not hurricane season in my book.. USVI by July 1st then we plan to be well south, like Grenada before August and we will watch the weather. hurricane season is not her hick up for sure, but certainly a reason for me not to delay a month or 2...

chuckr 18-04-2017 01:11

Re: Caribbean Bound In June, But Wife With Cold Feet
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by zstine (Post 2373669)
to answer some of your questions. I have 20+ years sailing experience, the wife & kids 5. the boat is a Tartan 41, water maker, refrigeration, 530W solar, newly rebuilt V-berth & storage, 2 cabins aft for the kids, bimini, new sails, new instruments, added 2nd fuel tank, inner forestay, etc. We've been cruising from the Narraganset to Cap May, NJ mostly weekends, occasionally a week and are currently in NJ.

:peace:Boy some people are harsh.. of course I talk to my wife. Getting her to tell me how she feels is another story. She's said "I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around leaving" and "I'm not sure I can live in a tiny boat" and " I don't want to be so far from my parents". She is passive aggressive, If you do something she hates, she says "oh, that's very nice" then...ugh. she will tell you what you want to hear and do something else. Why else would she OK a new $5k water maker (and lots more) and a month later poo poo the trip? That's her MO. She will avoid a small argument today at the expense of tomorrow... and this is not the first major family commitment she bailed out on.. Now its the 11th hour and the sh!t hits the fan. She sees how pissed I am and says we can leave June 2018.. yeah, And I have a deal on the Brooklyn Bridge! Communication is not our strong suit. Honestly, I just think she's afraid of leaving a comfortable lifestyle for one she thinks is 'hard', But because she recognizes the immorality of a big house with A/C, 2 cars, etc, she would never admit she wants that. She wants to be a tough, hippy, earthy girl, (she is at heart.. maybe?) but I think she has become a softy that loves her big TV, convenient malls, etc and is having a hard time leaving this lifestyle... This is not my dream for me (i never said it was Kenomac). This 12mo cruise will provide a rich cultural and worldly experience that my kids just can't get in a NJ classroom. They've bought bathing suits, and sand toys, watched Delos and want to be friends with the Pfeiffers (vlog in SXM). It also will show us a bit about living sustainability and helping the environment, something that helps all of us. I think robbing the kids of this opportunity is horrible for them... so obviously leaving when they are old is not a solution.

June is not hurricane season in my book.. USVI by July 1st then we plan to be well south, like Grenada before August and we will watch the weather. hurricane season is not her hick up for sure, but certainly a reason for me not to delay a month or 2...

.

Zstine -- while you may not consider June hurricane season God does. Maybe that is why insurance companies have a hurricane zone from Grenada to say Morehead City from June to Nov. And you can not outrun a hurricane I do not care how good a sailor you are. We are weather geeks and always have been and we watch the seasons and sail to the seasons. We would not go with you or anyone else into the Carib for hurricane season. Now we are not good sailors as you could probably sail circles around us but we know our and respect the weather and it has kept us going and we try never ever to take chances with the weather. It is a long way from where you are to Grenada and if you plan to stop at all it is to far. But you said you want the kids to experience different cultures and that means stopping and experiencing and that means time and that means more time in the zone. Not good.

Second when we left Patty was more than a bit apprehensive. We left Miami and headed north to be out of the hurricane zone by June and did not return until November and then over to the Bahamas. We were learning to cruise. We got luck and got adopted by a couple of long term cruisers who really taught us. Even luckier is the other women helped Patty get over her fears and helped her learn and enjoy the new life aboard. After a Bahamas run we actually headed to the west side of the Carib and met some South Africans who took us under their wings and helped us even more. We ended up in Colombia and by now Patty was yep we can do this and this is great.
From there it got out of hand and we did the eastern carib, 2 handed crossing, Med and last year we were the only boat in the Black Sea and she was gunho to keep going and experiencing. BUT the key was early on when she met other women who encouraged her and helped her and a woman she could talk with and relate to. Cruisers are a family and help each other if you simply ask. And we never tried to leap off the high dive before we jumped off the side of the pool.

Third your route has some really long sails in there and for a new crew that is still working out the bugs, in our opinion, is a lot to take on.

We worked hard on it in our 1st year or so to learn how to cruise and what it took. That was 10 years ago and we are still going and look forward to the summer sailing season and new ports of call and new people and new countries and new experiences.

Good luck but if you want to dive off the high dive and except the family to jump with you you might get a very unpleasant surprise.

just our thoughts

weavis 18-04-2017 03:19

Re: Caribbean Bound In June, But Wife With Cold Feet
 
This is not really about going sailing. I agree there are some potential issues in the sailing timing and distances, but they pale into insignificance compared to the real issue.

I have been where you are, not regarding sailing but in changing a life direction. More or less the same modus operandi from my ex wife, she agreed to everything and at the last minute pulled out. Business sold, house under contract and job offer accepted in another country. In the end, another 15 years of marriage trapped in the same location so she could be with her parents. I bought a house 300 miles away in the UK to restore and turn into a clinic.... she was so resentful that in the end I sold it and got a divorce instead. It really was a better deal for both of us...

I have no answers for you. Deal with your marriage issues first. THAT IS THE PROBLEM. Put the sailing on hold till you are sorted.

You can sail locally for a while. Hopefully if you go for the ultimate solution you can keep the boat... Live on it..


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 19:53.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


ShowCase vBulletin Plugins by Drive Thru Online, Inc.