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Sailnoob · 04-06-2009, 21:29

My gf does all the yelling

Ted and Relinda · 21-09-2015, 07:36

When Relinda and I were learning to sail( self taught) we discovered that just trying to hear each other at time caused voices to rise and stress levels would climb quickly. We then discovered a old pair of radio shack headsets the P.O.had left aboard. We hadn't thought of them before but tried them once when we were having a difficult time communicating. They worked miracles. No longer were voices raised and in fact made us look really good a couple times. Now whenever I have to go aloft or its just hard to hear, out come the headsets. Ted..

**JPA Cate** · 21-09-2015, 12:40

I see someone has revived this thread.

I wanted to let everyone know, Weyalan and Lisa are out cruising now! Longish term.

I also wanted to say that there are some guys who are yellers and some who are not. No one HAS to sail with a screamer. Ever. And I wouldn't.

Ann

rognvald · 21-09-2015, 15:53

Quote:

Originally Posted by MarkJ

My advice is short and abrupt: Stop the refusing to cooperate! You are endangering the vessel and maybe even lives of the crew and those on other boats or the dock.

Learn that YOU need to change to accept instructions when the skipper is giving orders in his task oriented manner.

Can you imagine what would happen on any commercial vessel (or naval vessel) if the captains orders were greeted with a "refuse to cooperate in response"?

Seamanship is pivotal to our lives at sea, the safety of ourselves and others. No matter what we consider the modern interpretation of 'seamanship', it definitely does not allow a refusal of cooperation.

Mark

I just read this discussion and I believe Mark's above response is the correct one. Nobody really wants to yell or to be on the other end of a rant but the safety of the vessel and its crew are preeminent. The way orders are given is directly related to your personality type. Some people are dominant, others passive. It reflects in your demeanor and speech. If a relationship is strong, occasional yelling should not effect your relationship. If it is weak, or a person has self image issues, it will be intolerable. I am in no way advocating debasing your crew, but passion is part of the human condition and some people are more passionate than others. And, based upon experience, I do not believe that everyone who yells lacks confidence or skills. Many times they are paired with a mate who has neither of the above and consequentially can jeopardize the safety of the vessel and its crew. The bottom line is that when two people decide to live/cruise together on a boat, the strength of the relationship is the best indicator of success. If it is not truly strong, issues less threatening than yelling will ultimately lead to its demise. And I, for one, could not imagine a life without passion. You might as well be born a mushroom. Good luck and good sailing.

Badsanta · 21-09-2015, 18:39

So it's my fault of self image that causes whomever to have the right to scream? Yeah blame the victim. Whomever is always right and just raising their voice to be heard? Ever wonder why you cant keep crew. I'll sail with whoever once but not always twice. Keep making excuses and blaming others as being weak. Passion? Bullies never understand. They get their way through intemidation. What? Its other problems that are less threatening than yelling? This cant be serious. Yell around me and you'll find me very passionate.

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MYTraveler · 21-09-2015, 19:59

FWIW, in my experience in business, plenty of people that are screamers and yellers do not lack competence or confidence. They do not necessarily lack patience (sometimes there isn't time for avoidable delay) or management skill (as some people are best motivated by screaming, especially when they have been trained to respond without thinking). But, in most contexts, screaming is counter productive. Personally, I try really hard to avoid it in all contexts and find that my instructions are better carried out when I do. Every once in a while, I encounter a situation in which my instructions are intentionally disregarded, for no obvious reason. If I have confidence in the judgment of the person doing the ignoring, I will take it that they know something I don't, but if I don't have confidence, and if it turns out that they had no good reason for ignoring me, they won't get an important responsibility again until they earn my trust, and if I don't think they will ever be able to do that, they likely get fired.

Mike OReilly · 21-09-2015, 20:30

I am far from the most experienced cruiser (far...), but I've been out enough to know cruising rarely requires snap decisions that warrant "yelling and screaming." Not saying never, but extremely rare. "Yelling and screaming" commands on a regular basis is not something I would put up with, and if I ever became that person, I would expect my partner to send me packing.

FamilyVan · 21-09-2015, 20:57

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate

I see someone has revived this thread.

I wanted to let everyone know, Weyalan and Lisa are out cruising now! Longish term.

I also wanted to say that there are some guys who are yellers and some who are not. No one HAS to sail with a screamer. Ever. And I wouldn't.

Ann

I totally agree with Ann (a favourite poster of mine) and O'Reilly (another favourite poster).

I have owned cruising sailboats now for about 5 years and have never yet found occasion to yell, talk sternly to or be a turkey to any crew member or friend on my boat.

Learn to handle the boat single handed and consider any help you receive as a bonus.

Sent from my XP7700 using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app

Hoofsmit · 21-09-2015, 21:17

Quote:

Originally Posted by GordMay

Edit-

Yelling is done in anger

I have a both “hair trigger” temper, and a very low threshold of tolerance for incompetence (as I see it), and have had to moderate my communicative style to accommodate the sensitivities of those around me. This (self-control) is an important part ofmy crew training, and remains a challenge...

FWIW,

Gord May

Such true words

My wifes answer to

" do you know which side is starboard" ?

Was

" yes.... It's the other side to port" I found divorce was avoided by tying a piece of red and green spinnaker tape to the shrouds

consider the financial benefit !

Sent from my iPad.......i apologise for the auto corrects !!!

socaldmax · 22-09-2015, 17:35

I see a lot of blame shifting going on. People rarely yell for no reason. If you're screwing up at the time, own it. Admit you were at fault. Don't play the victim card and claim you weren't doing anything wrong. Either it was a command that needed to be obeyed NOW or you've made another mistake or the same mistake again. The simpler the task, the more irritating it is to onlookers to watch someone totally blow it.

Just like the kid who screws up the order at the fast food window and can't make change without the register telling him/her what to give, the blame is entirely on him/her. As I semi jokingly say, "Pay A-T-T-E-N-T-I-O-N!!!!"

When it comes to pulling the boat out at the end of the day, my friend would go get his truck and trailer while his wife would maneuver their 34' twin engine Magic perfectly and slide it right up the center of the trailer in one shot, no muss, no fuss. She often got a standing ovation from the peanut gallery (Divorce Court) who always assembled at the end of the day to watch all of the other couples threaten divorce over their boat/trailer debacles. Unfortunately yes, some guys DO blame everything on their wives, especially when they're drunk. There's no reason to put up with that, unless you're co-dependent.

**Wotname** · 22-09-2015, 18:33

Good to see and old thread reopened and still some disagreement present

Don't want to add to this but do want to say "good luck" to Weyalan and Lisa for their cruising plans √

Presumably still no shouting except at the bar!

**JPA Cate** · 23-09-2015, 00:23

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wotname

Good to see and old thread reopened and still some disagreement present

Don't want to add to this but do want to say "good luck" to Weyalan and Lisa for their cruising plans √

Presumably still no shouting except at the bar!

....and that, when they've won!

Good oh! Wotty.

Ann