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Old 20-08-2010, 07:16   #16
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To dennis: you might be right i only do not want to quit after 4 weeks. If it will not work out i rent a condo at the shore and buy a daysailer. My idea was to spent 2-3 years without paying all the land based cost and still be able to travel. Sitting at one palce might get boring esp.if you are on a tight budget
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Old 20-08-2010, 07:31   #17
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Sometimes we have thoughts and fears that add stress when we are making a passage that is long by our standards; breaking a unfamiliar inlet; or in some harsh weather. What seems to clear our heads best and relieve our stress is an acceptance of loss. We are prepared to lose our boat and all our possessions on board. We rethink our ditch bag and lifesaving escape from our vessel and realize that the loss of all else is acceptable. Reminding ourselves that we can be comfortable with loss does not dimenish our prudent seamanship, but it does remove stress for us. Take care and joy, Aythya crew
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Old 20-08-2010, 07:40   #18
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I truly love cruising on our boat, Sunspot Baby. I have had several bad scares, and some of them have taken me a while to get over.

I agree with the "baby steps" posting, and the offshore cruising course is probably a good idea. However, I probably would not invest the money on that myself, preferring to spend it cruising on our own boat.

Men and women aren't wired the same. I want to know what's out there, and how we are going to deal with it. George likes adventure, and working through things to a positive outcome.

Compromise is often the best answer. George curbs his enthusiasm for an overly boistrous sail, and I work to accept conditions above my comfort level. Having said that, neither of us would enter into some cruising activity that we felt was unsafe.

Good luck to both of you.

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Old 20-08-2010, 07:59   #19
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Four weeks! It has taken me almost 10 years to overcome most of my fears about offshore sailing, and I still can experience the white knuckle irrational horror regularly...

I am not certain that it is solely a woman thing although I must say that after a lifetime around boats I was unpleasantly surprised to find just how scared I was once we truly went offshore. The thing that took me aback was the realisation that the person I had imagined that I was, strong, capable, adventurous was in fact a figment of my imagination! In truth night watches were a nightmare, shallow water sent me into a blue funk and as for anchoring in high winds....

I overcame this with the help of a caring and supportive husband, by reading everything I could lay my hands on about sailing and by taking things very slowly. Through it all I REALLY wanted to cruise and although we have had many setbacks I am so pleased that I persevered.

I would suggest to you and your partner that 4 weeks is too short a time to make a decision. For your part you need to slow down a LOT, there is no need to travel long distances, or sail every day. Take it easy, choose anchorages wisely and don't overface your partner. Let her decide whether she wants to leave somewhere and when she is ready to go, even if it means staying another week.

It's a massive change from day sailing to full-time liveaboard.

I recommend a book 'Changing Course' by Debra Cantrell. Written by a woman for woman sailors. It helped me a lot and I have recommended it to many friends in a similar situation.

Good luck to both of you.
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Old 20-08-2010, 08:39   #20
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Annk had a well written post.

Four weeks is such a short time to make a new and challenging lifestyle change. I would gently add that approaching her concerns as a "womans" problem may only delay finding a solution/comprimise. It may quietly imply that she has an inherant defieciency or weakness that you, being male, do not possess. Fears and trepidation affect anyone-deal with those. Being able to voice my concerns (and being heard) and being an active participant of the team-not just along for the ride are the things that do the most to ease my concerns. Talk to her and really listen to her fears. Nothing feels more secure than being a valuable part of a partnership. That and a few days/weeks of unblemished, safe fun (whatever that may be for you two)! I wish the two of you the best and hope that you can find the adventure that both of you are searching for together.

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Old 20-08-2010, 10:22   #21
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Hi Carsten,

No experience but just a bit of musing.

- you said you bought the boat. Does she feel it is her boat too ? You obviously care about her feelings that is clear from your post but she might be missing the easy fun of the 25 footers.The 44 footer is work ,I mean learning how to handle it. Also it is aluminium . Presumably your 25 footers before were the fibreglass type. Now she has a tank to steer. Logically probably not all that different but psychologically on nightwatch it might literally weigh on her mind.

- She might be thinking that at your ages it may be too much to take on. Yes, we do get midlife crises too ( Assuming you are in your forties) Door closing panic.They just manifest differently.

-Also if you are the captain on the boat and she is the first mate seeing you learning how to handle the new boat might have shaken her confidence ,and she does not want to tell you so that you do not see it as lack of confidence in you. That is not saying you did not handle the boat right ,just seeing you needing to adjust might have sent her thinking that she has no control.

- I agree with the others that 4 weeks is no time at all in terms of getting used to all this

Hope this helps.Not a sailor yet but just trying to put myself in her shoes ,if that is possible.
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Old 20-08-2010, 10:23   #22
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have you ASKED her what is the problem?? sometimes the partner will surprise you and actually answer the question for you -- sometimes going out of sight of land can be a startler--i happen to enjoy the living creatures of the sea. some folks are afraid of passages that take the boat out of sight of land..i asked the folks we met on our cruises in gulf--surprising n how the answers turn out!!..is interesting to study....might want to stay close to shore if she tells you she isnt comfortable with the distance from land, or night passages sometimes cause a bit of fear in folks--i am not specifying male/ female in this--is folks--as you sail the new boat more --IN THE INLAND WATERS, FIRST, perhaps she will adapt to the new boat--should be more comfy than a small lil cork on the water....find out from her what is the main problem and work on it....could be that simple--who knows unless you ask her.....good luck and have fun with new boat....
i dont like lightning, but i sailed the boat thru it to get to port last year--we sailed thru much lightning during our adventures. we also had much beauty and life not seen near shore.... could be something that is overcome-able--find out from her what is the exact thing that instills this averse reaction and help her deal with it. dont pamper or baby her thru it-be adults--she isnt a kid.

you only have had this boat one month--isnt even long enough to run her aground!!!! give her time and show her how the boat works--could be that simple--mebbe she is afraid of what happens to the boat if something happens to you--teach hher all the systems so she can do something besides sit there pullinjg her hair and acting like abbey sunderland in a seaway--showed us all she was unready for her lil trip by not knowing how to cut away her rig and jury rig a sail to keep going.
wouldnt it be nice if her fears were due to the largeness and complexity of the boat as compared to the old one, in which you said she was comfortable???
i would be more than happy to im with her or pm with her if you feel this could help.....i have more than enough love for the sea and sailing mebbe i can rub off on her?? but more importantly, i AM a female who has successfully sailed for a near year in and out of sight of land and enjoyed it incredibly much..also went thru a kind of shipwreck situation....still alive and unscathed and still LOVE sailing and the sea...i kno wof other females in my shoes--one of whom was truly and terminally shipwrecked and is living happily with her honey on a wood schooner they found in mexico --one i knew from san diego many years ago---wow ---would spark a tad bit of insecurity in anyone!! wood boats sink!! they spring planks and go blug blug....aluminum ones dont sink quite as fast and they repel containers in the sea instead of crack open like a frp or wood or ferro boat...only get a few dents from whales instead of holes.....

TEACH HER HOW TO BE INDEPENDENT OF YOU ON BOARD THIS NEW BOAT.
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Old 20-08-2010, 11:10   #23
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Some people need a long time to get over their fears or to talk with a stranger to embrasse their spouse's idea. This is what happen's often with Hubby. Even though he has always kwon that a life on a boat is very appealing to me, he has never wanted to talk about with me. It was an absolute nono!! Last spring, he went to St-Marteen all by himself and met a cruiser who used to live an hour away from here, in the snow!! They spoke a lot about the life of a cruiser and it lit up a spark for Hubby. Of course, I took advantage of it

The fact that you changed boat may also make a difference. Let her get use to it. Hiring a captain to teach you both how to maneuver it properly might help build her confidence. She most also know that their is a community among cruisers. She will make a lot of friends if she wants to. She also can keep in contact with the ones she has at home through the internet or through the phone.

You could bring her places where she can discover this life but make sure she doesn't feel any pressure coming from you. In my case, it is the best way for me to act in order to make Hubby reject an idea I have to be very suddle


Good luck!!!
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Old 20-08-2010, 11:23   #24
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All the advice here is quite good. However, the reality is that some people just aren't made to go to sea — and no matter how many baby steps you take or refresher courses or confidence-building activities, you may have to face the prospect that your wife may never be comfortable as a long-distance cruiser.

I've known a few people like that. We are all made differently.
I am sure there are some who this would be true for but in our family my wife has come incredibly far. She was not raised around boats. She never sailed before.

But my wife has overcome fear and can deal with her sea sickness now.
She has pushed me to take our family to farther destinations.

I am the one who is much more likely to be conservative with weather windows and the agenda. I often suggest we hang out at the closest anchorage that I know is safe and nice. My wife is the one now days saying...lets go, lets head out to the unexplored place we hoped to visit. And it seems to work out when we do go.

I have pushed and worked towards the cruising dream...now she is taking the ball further (after five years.)

One of the biggest changes for her occurred after she took a week long catamaran course on little 16 footers. I recommend the sailing course too!

I still want to take small steps and build on the confidence and avoid the scary situations if possible. But I don't see a gender based fear thing in our relationship.
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Old 20-08-2010, 11:28   #25
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good input here ; -)

Just one more experience; We got the boat almost exactly a year ago. Himself is still anxious about sailing and we are still trying to take baby steps so he can gain confidence and comfort. I am more experienced than he but not an expert by an means. It's hard to slow your pace to match your partner, when you really wish they would just *keep up*, but I have learned that you have to. And all the comments about avoiding challenging situations? Believe it. Nothing triggers his irrational anxiety like a tiny bit of rational anxiety!

talk about 2 steps forward, 3 steps back!

Good luck!
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Old 20-08-2010, 13:31   #26
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Many Many thanks to all of you i just came back from a nice dinner with my wife talking about everything and found all your responses:

luckily now the season is nearly over we have 4-5 weekends and after that winter is comming. we do not have to rush anything and i will start slower next year. i also take your comments reg my practice with the new boat serious and of course you are right that i have to learn more. i think confidence and stressless sailing is the answer and i remember when we got the last boat the first year was maybe similar.

lateron we really sailed the folkboot quite hard and both felt happy and secure.

meanwhile i learnt that the unfamiliar swedish archipelago a garden of stone islands plus a quite hectical start and week before holiday was to much. then one day seasick , 2 noisy nights and one week later just after "recovering! the stormy and rainy days tied to a stone in a unfamilar and "hostile" environment. later on a 55 nm windless day crossing the baltic sea without landsight my fuel hose broke and pumped happily diesel everywhere. wonderful i just asked a mechanic 2 weeks before to exchange such hose connetors to the injection pump because of old rubber. i had no problem to fix it within an hour and proceed the next 45 miles but this was also some stress factor

you are right i have to learn ..... although this belongs not directly to boathandling but to seamanship and how to care for your wife or team.

definitely this 44 feet requires more thinking ahead and work but we are just 46 and have time to learn

by the way is worth to learn all this to spent some years in the canaries, the med or the caribean ??

carsten
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Old 20-08-2010, 13:36   #27
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by the way is worth to learn all this to spent some years in the canaries, the med or the caribean ??

carsten
lol... In my book those are the BEST reasons for learning all this!
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Old 20-08-2010, 13:42   #28
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I am sailing my boat from the Chesapeake to the Virgins in a couple of months. My wife loves to sail but is a bit nervous about an ocean passage. So I am sailing down with my brother in law and she will meet us there after flying down. Would I rather she come with us on the passage? Sure. But there are lots of wives who wont go on the boat at all, so I am lucky. Once I told her the ocean passage was optional she immediately became far more enthusiastic about the trip. I imagine that by the time we have cruised the islands for a few months she will be far more willing to contemplate longer passages. Meanwhile, it is important not to push her out of her comfort zone.
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Old 20-08-2010, 13:47   #29
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all the above are good--i have only been to carib and gulf of mexico besides west coast ...

the 44 ft is a different bird than th esmaller was--more systems to fail--let her learn with youy so she knows how to keep it together if anything happens to you. dont let her be afraid--teach...is better that way.

once she finds the awesomeness of the night passages over water with the seas and moon and stars and life in the water--she will not want to stay off the boat--the color of the seas in deep water is so impressive....beauty not seen is more beautiful than anything imagined..
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Old 20-08-2010, 14:26   #30
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... Once I told her the ocean passage was optional she immediately became far more enthusiastic about the trip. I imagine that by the time we have cruised the islands for a few months she will be far more willing to contemplate longer passages. Meanwhile, it is important not to push her out of her comfort zone.
Indeeed.
Make certain that her early experiences /w cruising are pleasant ones.
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