What Would You Do If You Lost Your Partner?

[JPA Cate]

The paper work will be key: for if there is no will, if you are unmarried, you have no rights to the boat whatsoever. This is most awkward in a foreign land, but wouldn't be a piece of cake even if you are in your country of national origin. You must be co-owners, co-masters of the ship, and named in the will. You should have a certified copy of your marriage certificate.

I cannot foretell what my grieving process would be if Jim pre-deceases me. If he became ill, we'd talk about the situation a lot and jointly reach a decision about our course of action. It could be a time of really difficult choices. It could mean leaving our support system of Australian friends and come to having to return to the States for medical care. And that would mean leaving the boat somewhere in Australia, most likely, unless we were in the islands and still had to leave immediately.

We cannot know the future, and a lot would depend on how the situation developed. Eventually, the survivor would return to the boat, feel that out, then decide what comes next. All of it would be processes that change us, so predicting whether or not one would continue alone, is not for me, realistic. One could plan to, for sure, and accept that and try it out. For instance, one possibility is that returning to the boat would be a time of healing, or it could rip your guts out, or both.....too many unknowns to make accurate predictions, IMO. In our case, the boat is our only home, we have lived aboard and cruised since October 1986.

[MarkJ]

Originally Posted by ShaktiGurl

Sorry for my ignorance but I am not sure exactly where this is documented, at least on a US flagged boat. On the uscg docs I am listed as owner and managing owner. Only my husband holds a masters license. Are you saying I may need the same?

I dont know. Every country is different in the set up of the papers, i suppose. Mine has the owner and the number of shares, plus each Master. But may be worth to check it out.

Originally Posted by goboatingnow

This in most western countries is not an issue. A wife typically inherits all her husbands belongings, irrespective of what shares are in her name

Geeeeeze, David!

Did you read my posts?

My examples were Venezuela late last year and other NON-western countries: women-hating countires.

Now pulllleaze!

[bobofthenorth]

We've talked about it. We spend half the year in the house or RV and half the year on Gray Hawk. If I go first, which I certainly hope is the way it happens, Marilyn would sell Gray Hawk, grow a garden and maybe buy a smaller RV. If she goes first I'd sell everything on land and live fulltime on the boat.

[Morrissey]

You do move on, but there are moments...

My wife died from cancer when my twin daughters were 12. Last year they turned 21 and graduated from University of Queensland with Honours, and I am really proud of them. They are now working part-time and doing more studies, this time on their own dime.

Its a rough time during a long illness. Afterwards you just do what you've gotta do. In my case I had a family to raise. In 3 days sale of the big house settles and we move. I've bought a smaller place that the girls will use, but it has a flat downstairs for me when I want and space for tools/storage. My boat now only needs cosmetic stuff which I'll get to over the next few months. Then its a lot of time cruising and when not cruising traveling on land. Sure, cruising alone isn't ideal but family and friends enjoy visiting and boating. Finding a new partner, one that likes boating, is a challenge. Que sera, sera.

As a few have noted above, you move on: live and love life. You always keep the memories.

[Prairie Chicken]

For myself, I don't have the mechanical abilities to maintain a boat myself, and I certainly don't have a desire to sail on my own. I'd sell, although hopefully I'd have some time on board to grieve for both my husband and the end of my days on the water.

I'd hope some of our many cruising friends would be kind enough to get me on the water from time to time. However I do fear the dynamics that occur when a widow enters the mix. Widowers are usually welcomed; widows less so.

[JPA Cate]

Go Boating Now:

Actually, within a community property State, what you wrote is correct, assuming a couple are legally married. In some States, common law marriages are not honored.

On our first cruise, before Jim and I married, I went to a post office in the Marquesas to pick up our mail. They wouldn't let me have the ones addressed to Jim because I could not show that we were married. I personally have known women who had lived with the men over 5 years, who were effectively thrown off the boat the day the man died. It could happen the other way gender-wise, too. This is why Mark J has been on about having multiple Masters of the ship, with shares. His way, or our way I am pretty sure would protect both of us.

In many ways, I think the women are more vulnerable to losing both partner and home at the same time because they have given up that security that having a land base somewhere may give in order to participate in a dream in which her partner is the leader.

[Therapy]

I have no frikkin idea but I do know I would be a lost mess of useless protoplasm for a long time.

[BandB]

Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate

Go Boating Now:

Actually, within a community property State, what you wrote is correct, assuming a couple are legally married. In some States, common law marriages are not honored.

On our first cruise, before Jim and I married, I went to a post office in the Marquesas to pick up our mail. They wouldn't let me have the ones addressed to Jim because I could not show that we were married. I personally have known women who had lived with the men over 5 years, who were effectively thrown off the boat the day the man died. It could happen the other way gender-wise, too. This is why Mark J has been on about having multiple Masters of the ship, with shares. His way, or our way I am pretty sure would protect both of us.

In many ways, I think the women are more vulnerable to losing both partner and home at the same time because they have given up that security that having a land base somewhere may give in order to participate in a dream in which her partner is the leader.

Please for your spouse, everyone have legal affairs in order. And if it's a partner you're not married to have things arranged the way you wish. But that unmarried long term partner can easily find themselves not only losing you but losing everything.

And many people have boats owned by LLC's or Corporations or flagged in other countries and it can be a mess.

And as I said take care of spouse, take care of children or others you wish as well. Many have children by previous marriages that spouses may not take care of. Don't assume anything.

[Hudson Force]

Originally Posted by Prairie Chicken

.................... However I do fear the dynamics that occur when a widow enters the mix. Widowers are usually welcomed; widows less so.

Help me with this thought. I'm not contesting the idea,- I just don't recognize it or understand it.

[Prairie Chicken]

Originally Posted by CaptForce

Help me with this thought. I'm not contesting the idea,- I just don't recognize it or understand it.

Well, not in every case by any means, but too often I've seen wives become less than welcoming of unattached women when husbands are present. It's sad, and virtually always baseless, but I suspect there is an ancient instinct coming into play. Hopefully we've grown beyond that, but I have my doubts.

[Hudson Force]

Originally Posted by Prairie Chicken

Well, not in every case by any means, but too often I've seen wives become less than welcoming of unattached women when husbands are present. It's sad, and virtually always baseless, but I suspect there is an ancient instinct coming into play. Hopefully we've grown beyond that, but I have my doubts.

Thanks, I understand your comment. I would like to think that it would not be common.

[JPA Cate]

Prarie Chicken,

It happens that a friend of ours from California had a German girl friend. He became ill with cancer, and they sailed the boat back to Calif., where she took care of him, he married her , and willed her the boat.

They had the ashes scattering ceremony on the boat. And then, his children, contested the will, and won. His widow went back to Germany, and we lost track of her.

Never think that as an unattached woman you will not be considered a threat. Lots of folks feel threatened by lots of *stuff* and one has no control over their hangups.

One's age at the time of bereavement will also make a difference to one's plans.

[Cuttyhunk]

Originally Posted by SmartMove

This is a recent topic on the Women Who Sail Facebook page. ...

Robyn

Robyn, Thank you so much for mentioning the Women Who Sail facebook group! I didn't know it existed. I just joined it.

[keepondancin]

This is what I am now dealing with. My wife of 45 years, passed unexpectedly a couple of weeks ago. First decision, is to make no decisions. I am thinking long and hard as to what to do. With my wife's increasingly limited mobility, I had made changes in the boat to make it very easy for me to sail. Close quarters maneuvering is my greatest concern. I can anchor by myself, picking up a mooring will be difficult but doable with some thought, but docking with wind and current issues will certainly be a challenge. We had sailed 10 to 20 thousand miles, cruised for 10 years, so we were just a reasonably well operating team. One thing I do have to add, is you can plan for, and project what you will do, but when you loose your life mate, you realize it is like nothing you could ever imagine. There are times I am sure I hear her calling me but she isn't there. The thought of the boat gives me comfort, and at other times seems like just one more unpleasantness I have to deal with. We treasured the solitude of a quiet anchorage, with beautiful sunsets, and now I dread the loneliness. It will be one day at a time, if the boat isn't the special place it has been for so many years, I will need to find another special place. Carol knew that at some point in time she very well may not be able to sail anymore. She would say, before we went cruising, "I want to be sitting in the rocking chair saying remember when, not I wish we had." We were able to say remember when, unfortunately we can't do it again. Peace.

[belizesailor]

My wife died in 2008. Reality is a frail illusion and subject to change without notice so best to be prepared. We had things in order so that aspect was not a big deal. Kept the boat, kept the house, kept on keeping on.

Now cruising with girl friend. If I were to die could be a bit of a hassle for her, but she has her own assets and does not really need mine. Something to consider though...how to make the process for a non-spouse easier.