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Old 08-03-2010, 14:46   #1
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What Works for Us

Sally and I decided to build a little 24 footer designed on the 6 ton falmouth pilot with a chinese balanced lug sail. In building her sally got to learn boat building engineering and electrics. We had a load of fun building her and we were both working regular jobs (around 55hrs a week) We sometimes slept amongst sawdust wiring and either side of the engine one night when we just couldnt work any more we were both so knackered. We made the sail together I did the drawings and set out the plan and sally did all the work onher sewing machine and hand stitched the bolt rope around the sail. She was so proud when we launched her and the cuts and blisters had almost gone on her hands. We sailed Ilsham for 1 6 years TOGETHER every chance we had. everywhere we went people said what a beautifull yacht we had adn when we told them we had built her TOGETHER people were amazed that sally had done some of everything. After 10 years together we decided to get married and 10 years ago we retired because of my bad heart. We decided TOGETHER to sell Ilsham and get a boat that we could sail in the winter as well as the summer a motorsailor was our choise. I told Sally what I would like in her and said ok search the net and see what you like. We found feels good in the med and after we had tested her and looked all over I asked Sally what she thought. She said it was perfect but was she what I wanted I said she was perfect. so we have now been on her for the past 5 years and have now got her just how we like her. You will still see Sally playing with the rigging or sanding something with a pot of varnish by her. I can be found in the galley cooking u a storm as I get pretty tired now. I hope you get the point there is NO I in we. We have spent the last 10 years 24/7 together and have never quareled. The reason is that we make all the decisions TOGETHER and we work TOGETHER. But the big secret to our lives is that I always put Sally first, and Sahe always puts me first. You can say its all slush bullshit or lies but we are here in Morlaix france and you are welcome to come aboard anytime you see us you will be made welcome by BOTH of us.
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Old 08-03-2010, 15:59   #2
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I love this post feelsgood. I

t sounds like you put the dream and each other ahead of the boat. That's the way it should be, but too often it's his dream and he puts the boat before her and their dream.

When she doesn't immediately jump on board, he might get impatient and frustrated and move on without her. That's where a lot of these dreams die or sit abandoned at the dock bobbing until some other dreamer comes along.

My wife and I have gone cruising twice now. The first time, I made every mistake in the book and we ended the cruise early. The second time, I decided to make sure she was on board first, had bought into and made it her dream, and it it left us wanting more.

I think that the reason so many of these perfectly capable boats sit idle while so many wonderful cruising experiences await is because the wife is never on board with the dream. I am writing a book to help these unfortunate dreamers make the dream a reality.

Morlaix is beautiful in spring. Enjoy.
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Old 09-03-2010, 02:19   #3
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Another little problem I have noticed is that you get couples that both work and in reality they only spend about 6 hrs a day together if they are lucky. We went through this. Then they think they can get a boat and go off and spend 24/7 together when they realy dont know eachother as well as they think. On a boat there is nowhere to go for a sulk you eith discus the problems with eachother or argue. I spoke on a radio station the other day and was asked what I thought was the biggest cause of divorces in the island where I used to live. Having listened to many couples tell their tales of woe it is obvious that most are selfish and dont comunicate with eachother. Wars are started because countries wont talk to eachother so what chance do they think thay have if thay wont talk to eachother and discuss thei dreams and fears. This is a subject that is better left alone I think or I will get myself in trouble on the forum.Yes its lovely here only all the time
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Old 09-03-2010, 03:41   #4
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Wow! You both sound as though you have had a fantastic time sharing your love of boats. I have spent many years yacht racing with my husband - plus an assortment of crew - and have loved every minute of it. We have also spent time cruising and even though a slower pace than racing it was fantastic. If you have someone you can share your passion with then you can cope with anything that gets thrown at you. Keep enjoying.
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Old 09-03-2010, 08:53   #5
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Wow! You both sound as though you have had a fantastic time sharing your love of boats. I have spent many years yacht racing with my husband - plus an assortment of crew - and have loved every minute of it. We have also spent time cruising and even though a slower pace than racing it was fantastic. If you have someone you can share your passion with then you can cope with anything that gets thrown at you. Keep enjoying.
Nothing beats the partnership of a husband and wife running their own boat. The experience tends to galvanize already close relationships, but also polarize those relationships with, "pre-existing conditions."

There seems to be a fundamental and recurring issue for a lot of couples; that being one of an unequal ownership over the sailing and cruising dream. Obviously not a problem for you and your husband, but for a lot of marriages, his dream is never her dream.
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Old 09-03-2010, 09:18   #6
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what works for us and why

Unfortunatly couples either in a marrage or just a good relationship are faced with so many decisions that affect them that it can become a conflict of opinions instead of a peacefull discussion. We the older ones that are fortunate enough to have faced most of the problems have a different backround in as much that some of our parents have instilled in us a practice of fareness. In this I mean My parents were bullies and I had no support from them in anything I did. On the other hand My granparents and a great uncle were the mainstay of my upbringing. My Gran always tried to make me understand that women had a different way of looking at things because they faced different responsibilities in life where as men realy only faced one that is to bring in the bacon so to speak. She was a great teacher and even today I find it easy to understand why women feel that they are led into a situation rather than asked to share it. I am constantly ribbed about my attitudes to women in as much as I tend to take their side in an argument about sailing and crewing on a yacht with their husbands. As I have broad shoulders I am not bothered in the least. On the other hand I cannot understand the male train of thought that he is always right and if he says it is fine then it is fine. By taking this attitude he is putting his partner in the possition of feeling like a lower sort of intelegence. I am not, nor would I ever deem myself as a person who knows it all about relationships but I learned from the ones that I have had over the years that If you accept that women have a hell of alot to offer in the relationship in all aspects and you put her happiness,comfort and peace of mind first you will find that you have the best mate,buddy and friend in the world. As a last word we should all look at how we treat our partners and ask ourselves one very important question. DO I TAKE MY PARTNER FOR GRANTED. If your answer is yes then dont be suprised if one day he or she is no longer there or interested in what you want.
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Old 09-03-2010, 09:45   #7
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Well said feelsgood.

There are of course exceptions, but in the vast majority of cases, this cruising thing is his dream. Not hers. That the women in our life will even occasionally indulge us in our fantasies is a testament to the support and commitment that our wives show. How many men would consider spending their one vacation of the year in Chicago so that his wife could watch a taping of the Oprah Winfrey Show? Not many.

Framing this as a question of commitment is a gross oversimplification though. The reason most cruising boats never actually go anywhere has nothing to do with the wife's lack of commitment. Instead, I believe it's his lack of competence and thus lack of confidence, coupled with a lack of understanding about his wife's motivations, ambitions, needs, and standards.

Instead of making it, "our dream," from the beginning, he sets off alone with "my dream," then makes accommodations and allowances out of guilt to, "keep the wife happy." She becomes a passive passenger and he become servant to the boat and his wife. Resentment develops on both sides.

Making this cruising thing an "US" thing from the very beginning is the answer. Not just about sailing together, but in fostering a happy and healthy marriage.
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Old 09-03-2010, 09:52   #8
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arrows

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Originally Posted by Nick O'Kelly View Post
Well said feelsgood.

There are of course exceptions, but in the vast majority of cases, this cruising thing is his dream. Not hers. That the women in our life will even occasionally indulge us in our fantasies is a testament to the support and commitment that our wives show. How many men would consider spending their one vacation of the year in Chicago so that his wife could watch a taping of the Oprah Winfrey Show? Not many.

Framing this as a question of commitment is a gross oversimplification though. The reason most cruising boats never actually go anywhere has nothing to do with the wife's lack of commitment. Instead, I believe it's his lack of competence and thus lack of confidence, coupled with a lack of understanding about his wife's motivations, ambitions, needs, and standards.

Instead of making it, "our dream," from the beginning, he sets off alone with "my dream," then makes accommodations and allowances out of guilt to, "keep the wife happy." She becomes a passive passenger and he become servant to the boat and his wife. Resentment develops on both sides.

Making this cruising thing an "US" thing from the very beginning is the answer. Not just about sailing together, but in fostering a happy and healthy marriage.
Watch it Nick I just felt the first arrow in the back sorry I dont mean from you
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Old 09-03-2010, 10:02   #9
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Watch it Nick I just felt the first arrow in the back sorry I dont mean from you
I've made all of these mistakes myself. In fact I ruined our first cruise. That I was able to Get Her On Board again for another try is amazing. I am writing a book about what makes for a successful partnership on board.

I get passionate about this stuff. I want to see more dreamers out there doing it.

Unfortunately, arrows are a hazard. Duck!
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Old 09-03-2010, 10:07   #10
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Your philosophy reminds me of the Buckmaster Fuller term "synergy" defined as "a dynamic state in which combined action is favored over the difference of individual component actions" (two heads are better than one? :-). As I got older I realized that compromise with my partner often got me more, if not exactly, than what I asked for. Thanks for your reminder.
John and Lisa
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Old 09-03-2010, 10:11   #11
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Feelsgood:
Your philosophy reminds me of the Buckmaster Fuller term "synergy" defined as "a dynamic state in which combined action is favored over the difference of individual component actions" (two heads are better than one? :-). As I got older I realized that compromise with my partner often got me more, if not exactly, than what I asked for. Thanks for your reminder.
John and Lisa
Thanks folks and nice to hear from you but I am afraid that that word COMPROMISE isnt in our vocabluary
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Old 09-03-2010, 10:22   #12
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Thanks folks and nice to hear from you but I am afraid that that word COMPROMISE isnt in our vocabluary
Maybe "compromise" wasn't my best choice of words to "define" our process of agreement but we find ways that work best for the both of us. It is suposed to be a partnership, right?
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Old 09-03-2010, 10:27   #13
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See I knew you would get it the word is not compromise but COMMUNICATE If we all help eachother we men MIGHT just get it right in the end. By the way I find the girls are very quiet on this subject especialy as it concerns them. Come on girls please
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Old 09-03-2010, 10:32   #14
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From your first opening post I thought "Wow this couple should be appointed to the Presidential Board of Educators" as I have always truly believed the major failing of our school system isn't math or spelling...its Relationships.


Then your second post alludes to the fact that I must not be the only one recognizing this about you as you have been on the radio talking about just that..Relationships.

This last post has me in a Quandary though...you say Compromise is not in your vocabulary...Im afraid i don't understand this concept..please explain it to me..Thanks
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Old 09-03-2010, 10:40   #15
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Hi Stillraining Sunny here in Morlaix but cold. What I mean by saying that compromise isnt in our vocablury is that it plainly is not. The word compromise means that one or the other in a relationship gives in to the other therefore one is going to do something that they realy didnt want to. This is in a sence forcing your oppinion on another person. Because we discuss everything and agree to a way forward we never compromise . I hope this is clear and PLEASE all, excuse my spelling its totaly Cr&%*#p
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