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Old 08-03-2010, 14:29   #286
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Men want a partner that will buy into their dream. Unfortunately, when her objections and reluctance frustrate him, he pushes forward without her. He gets impatient and buys the boat and hopes that she'll join in the fun later. Sometimes she does, but most of the time she doesn't. When she does decide to accompany her husband, it's only as a passenger-she'll try to do as she's told, but she won't take the initiative to learn.

It's our fault though. If we men got her to buy into the dream earlier, she'd could be on board for the duration. She'd participate, she'd learn, she'd support the dream as her own.

As a team and as a partnership, we'd push ahead together, stronger, and more likely to actually cut those dock lines and get a taste of what the reality of cruising holds. Which is a ton of fun and an incredible chance to grow.
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Old 08-03-2010, 14:36   #287
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Problem is that women don't believe men will carry though with the dream. Even though my wife saids she is in, has taken classes and is bareboat certified, let me buy a boat, has gone out on the sailing trips last year, etc. etc.; I'm still not totally convinced she is fully in.

That's why I started this and the other related threads.
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Old 08-03-2010, 14:49   #288
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Originally Posted by Don Lucas View Post
Problem is that women don't believe men will carry though with the dream. Even though my wife saids she is in, has taken classes and is bareboat certified, let me buy a boat, has gone out on the sailing trips last year, etc. etc.; I'm still not totally convinced she is fully in.

That's why I started this and the other related threads.
Yeah I can relate to that Don.
But times change. It was a while ago when she said she would be "in". But now there are two kids, and a new job/career, and the costs to refurbish a old boat keep going up, and she shes the boat as another mistress that takes up a lot of her partners time..... and when a board she is never quite comfortable....

I asked her on our first date, about living aboard and sailing the world. I never hid that was what I was about. If she wasn't fully aboard, she never should of lead me on that she was too....


But with that said, it has always been my dream, and I get a little closer to it all the time. Either she will be there when it really matters or she won't, and I will be visting the single hand threads a lot!
Either way, I'm in and that is all that matters in the end.
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Old 08-03-2010, 15:25   #289
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Problem is that women don't believe men will carry though with the dream. Even though my wife saids she is in, has taken classes and is bareboat certified, let me buy a boat, has gone out on the sailing trips last year, etc. etc.; I'm still not totally convinced she is fully in.

That's why I started this and the other related threads.
In my research, you are absolutely correct. Many times she doesn't believe you'll actually carry through with the dream. Not terribly surprising, given what we are asking our wives to do.

It took leadership to say, "honey, I have a wacky dream that I can't seem to shake." It took leadership to inspire her to take the bareboat classes. It took leadership to convince her that buying a boat was the right thing to do. Your wife demonstrated that she was willing to take steps toward your dream as well. Where does your doubt come from?

If you have questions about whether she is really on board-you might want to look in the mirror and ask the same. If you get the affirmative from the man in the mirror, then be the captain and tell your wife what the next step is. If she objects, it means she needs more information. If she ignores you or blows you off...then and only then do you know she truly isn't on board.

Time does pass though, and circumstances do change. What sounded good about my job ten years ago sucks today. The same can be true about this cruising dream. All the better reason to get this fast tracked and make it happen ASAP.
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Old 08-03-2010, 15:35   #290
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Face the facts guys... if you have daughters you buy em dolls and dolls house's tell em they're 'Sugar n Spice', molly coddle em and tell them not to be Tomboys...
Their Mom.. having been raised the same way goes even further getting them fashion conscious, into make-up and perfect nails, etc, etc...
No wonder they shy away from the "Macho" sailing scene.. it murders their nails, complexion, has lousy unfashionable clothes.... and those that care enough about you to 'Do it'... will often only do so till the Grandchildren arrive and then the old 'Nesting' instinct kicks in...
For thousands of years they've been told their place is in the home, caring for the kids and cleaning and cooking for the 'Man of the House'.. some are even forbidden from working...
Then you start crying when they baulk at something they've been conditioned against all their lives.... Grow up...
If you'd started when they were young and adventurous you'd be in with a chance... but most men wait till their mid life crisis and the need to prove themselves men, then they expect the 'little woman' to give it all up for them... Throwing away years of friendships and family and everything their world revolves around....
The thing that amuses me most is when a woman comes along who is 'Up for It'.. guys are scared ****-less and cover it by making fun of them...
Shes more often than not like a lady I got to know and who became a great friend in NC...
She was/is a Carpenter/Web Designer/Writer, built her own Kayaks, had a complete tool shop, hung out and worked with the guys on building sites, in boatyards, and more than held her own but.. she was regarded as a weirdo.. Regardless that she was slim, attractive and intelligent... she scared guys who were used to being 'The Man'...
They just could not get their heads around someone who was as good or better than them in every way except sheer strength... and who was not a 'Disco Diva' or a 'Dumb Blonde' they could impress with their BS...

What men want is .... To have their Cake and eat it....
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Old 08-03-2010, 15:47   #291
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Am I being trashed here?..............I'm just trying to discover as many 'issues" ahead of time to be able to be a head of as many as possible. They have other words in relationships that apply to such a thing.
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Old 08-03-2010, 16:01   #292
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Face the facts guys... if you have daughters you buy em dolls and dolls house's tell em they're 'Sugar n Spice', molly coddle em and tell them not to be Tomboys...
Their Mom.. having been raised the same way goes even further getting them fashion conscious, into make-up and perfect nails, etc, etc...
No wonder they shy away from the "Macho" sailing scene.. it murders their nails, complexion, has lousy unfashionable clothes....
LOL...I tried my best to raise 3 Tom Boys... Lets face it they are wired different and there's nothing you can do about it...99.99% of ALL girls look in the mirror and want to look pretty and feminine for a man at some point in their life.

As I said I tried my best to create future Heavy equipment operators and Business successors out of them..They chose to be what they are..Sweet ..beautiful girls..and that is fine by me as well.

My tanashis Soccer player middle daughter probably comes the closest but she gets Seasick the worst too...

She just sent me this 2 days ago as she is up in Alaska with her Aunt and Uncles for a couple weeks getting in some Post ACL reconstruction surgery therapy ....They are Rabbit Hunting now this week.

Its hard to keep this one couped up in the house..

Two years ago this one my Oldest had grease up to her elbows, on her cheak and chin and broken finger nails rebuilding a 350 Chevy motor..Now look at her..Modeling and all that junk..Its inevitable..they gravitate to what they are...God Love em..
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Old 08-03-2010, 16:07   #293
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Not sure what you mean by "issues." Please clarify.

Please don't confuse my directness with insult. Certainly not my intent.

Your post above resonated with me because I had those same feeling ahead of our first cruise. I felt for some reason that she wasn't committed. In retrospect, it was me that was questioning the whole thing, which is perfectly natural for such a huge life event as we are talking about here. However, it was my own insecurity that was feeding her, "objections." I made tons of mistakes on that cruise and it cost me my dream and about $100k to learn some valuable lessons.

I applied those lessons to a second cruise (yes, another boat), and the experience left us both wanting more. I see a lot of dreamers that fall into the same traps time and again, and I would like to help because cruising is a wonderful experience and worth every sacrifice and facing every fear.
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Old 08-03-2010, 16:10   #294
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Am I being trashed here?..............I'm just trying to discover as many 'issues" ahead of time to be able to be a head of as many as possible. They have other words in relationships that apply to such a thing.
Don... no mate.. I'm not trashing you... just my view of a lot of men's attitudes and expectations.... our programing is just as bad from a woman's point of view...
Why cant we be responsible, grow up, and stop being little boys with toys...lmao.
I was into Art and Literature when I was a kid in India in the 50's/60's... But, my 'Great White Hunter Ole Man' was determined to make a man of me and my sketch books and paints/art books were binned and at 10 yrs old I was presented with a 4.10 over under and taken hunting boar, deer, duck, partridge etc...
I loved it but would have appreciated the other as well, instead of the clip round the ear and 'be a man'.. that stuffs for wimps...
But there we go... we are in the main... programmed in our parents image of what we should be... few rebel young and get kicked out ...
most wait until its nearly to late to enjoy it...
Now I'll probably end up alone in some bedsit surviving on a State Pension but.. boy o boy... do I have an amazing life to look back on over my beans on toast...lol... Edith.. Sing my song gal..
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Old 08-03-2010, 16:42   #295
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Not sure what you mean by "issues." Please clarify.
"issues" are just things that are going to bug her to the point that I have to listen to it all the time! There's always going to be something, even if she doesn't say a word, and I want to reduce as much as I reasonably can!
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Old 08-03-2010, 16:53   #296
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LOL...I tried my best to raise 3 Tom Boys... Lets face it they are wired different and there's nothing you can do about it...99.99% of ALL girls look in the mirror and want to look pretty and feminine for a man at some point in their life.
LOL! Yeah, all of 'em seem to have some basic female stuff in 'em that can't be shaked off, no matter how unlikely the container. Mine walked like John Wayne and made Ming the Merciless seem quite liberal But one of the happiest I ever saw her was shortly after getting married she was fiddling around tidying up the new apartment and making me dinner (nesting I think they call it ). Kinda like watching an Alligator wearing a pinnie and doing the washing up

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Old 08-03-2010, 17:04   #297
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"issues" are just things that are going to bug her to the point that I have to listen to it all the time! There's always going to be something, even if she doesn't say a word, and I want to reduce as much as I reasonably can!
I think I see your logic here. You want to minimize her inevitable complaints? My appologies if I have lost the train of the original post here. I thought we were talking about what men want.

What women want more than anything (watermaker, new sails, solar panels) is a competent captain. There is a lot of wiggle room for a definition of competence, but as it applies to cruising with your wife, competence is required only to the level that she trusts you (and by you I mean the generic you, not you personally-I don't know you) as captain.

Unfortunately, a lot of boat owners think that being able to write a big check for the boat will give them the skills in seamanship as well as leadership to move that big, beautiful collection of equipment long distances with only the two of you on board, and do it while keeping a smile on the wife's face.

As it pertains specifically to her complaints, realize first and foremost that equipment will not fix her complaining. A new genset or wind generator will not do it. Most complaints are her crying out for love and attention. She is feeling not so good about herself for whatever reason (lonely, you barked at her, she's hot or sunburned), and more than anything, she just wants you to listen to her and show her you care.

Many of us make the mistake of trying to "remedy" her complaint. We men are problem-solvers; we want to hone in and fix whatever is wrong. This is precisely not what she needs. She needs you to pay attention to her, not the water capacity of the boat.
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Old 08-03-2010, 17:17   #298
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I think I see your logic here. You want to minimize her inevitable complaints?
Not really a new idea.
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Old 08-03-2010, 17:20   #299
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Many of us make the mistake of trying to "remedy" her complaint. We men are problem-solvers; we want to hone in and fix whatever is wrong. This is precisely not what she needs. She needs you to pay attention to her, not the water capacity of the boat.


Excellent point... one of the biggest rows I had with an ex... a great sailing partner for 6 yrs who gave it all up for me... was when, after a stormy rounding of St Vincente, we finally got into Lagos around 7am, I insisted on hosing all the salt of the boat...
All she wanted was to walk away for a couple of hours.. grab a hot breakfast and 'escape' briefly from the boat...
Machoman put the boat first... what an idiot I was.. the salt was not going anywhere... it could have waited..
Older and wiser now...
Thankfully however we are still great friends... she turned out to be a bigger man than me....
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Old 08-03-2010, 18:11   #300
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Problem is that women don't believe men will carry though with the dream. Even though my wife saids she is in, has taken classes and is bareboat certified, let me buy a boat, has gone out on the sailing trips last year, etc. etc.; I'm still not totally convinced she is fully in.

That's why I started this and the other related threads.
If she has not built her nest, put her children in it, reared them and reorganized it for grandchildren yet then your chances are pretty slim. Statistically speaking, women want (need) a "place to call home" and family, all safe and sound in a safe and sound place. Statistically boats don't fit the image.
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