Leaving Children Behind

[justdoit]

Hey anyone and everyone,
We are looking to make the move to liveaboard/cruiser in about a year. The beginning stages are in motion. Starting to rid the house of years of accumulation that if kept would have to drag behind on a barge. I turned 50 this year and am looking at this move as a very exciting new adventure. But then the mom guilts start. Presently I have 2 of the 3 children living at home. Their ages are almost 22 and 20 year olds. Both have tried school and decided not to continue. Neither are working full time. I am struggling with feeling the responsibility to continue to give them a place to live and wanting to take back my life. Financing this adventure will most likely need for me to sell the house and use some of that money for liveaboarding. That sense of "homebase" is gone. There is no more the family house to come to for holiday events or if they need mom to help with a life struggle. So how did any of you, male or female, deal with this conflict when you decided to go into this lifestyle? All perspectives welcomed!!

[s/v Moondancer]

Well, speaking as a parent, cruiser and pediatrician I suggest you kick them out of the nest and tell them they will be welcome on the boat anytime for at least 7 days a year...Mine actually spend 10 days a year on the boat and appear to enjoy themselves...we are having a 'Caribbean Christmas' for then and the grandkids in 2 weeks time...traditional Christmas lobster barbecue on "Happy Island' in the Grenadines.

[Cheechako]

At their age you should have no guilt. It will probably be good to force them out on their own. You are not alone! I dont know what it is with kids today.... maybe we parents are just too easy. I would have never thought of returning home after I left at 19....... Most recently my 33 yr old step son has come back for a year now.... It is hard. I think I'm about to suggest all household expenses be shared equally by the people living there! that should put an end to it.... Maybe I should move to a boat again.....

[Vasco]

When we first left for a year in 1990 my daughter was in first year university. She quickly learned the value of a buck and complained about the cost of toilet paper!! It was an excellent experience for her. Sooner or late kids have to leave the nest. Sometimes the nest leaves them!!

[kiapa]

at the risk of sounding heavy-handed... you should feel guilty about NOT kicking them out. unless they are ill or seriously handicapped, you are robbing them of the opportunity to grow up by taking care of them as adults.

moondancer, nailed. go sailing... and invite them for brief visits in inspring remote destinations.

[Dune]

The current financial situation worldwide has created an extreme amount of young people returning to the nest or delaying leaving it at all.
Two million boomerangers live with parents
I do not envy young people. There are many very qualified unemployed that are seeking any employment at all. That makes it difficult to get a start. The scary part is that noone seems to know when or if it will turn around. Perilous times indeed.'

That said, set sail and let them visit.

[cantxsailor]

Well if this doesn't give me hope nothing will.

I've been feeling lately like I have no reason to stay here except to pay bills for other people. I am coming to the conclusion that if I leave and they die(unlikely) it's no longer my fault.

I'm almost to the point were my need for "MY" dreams to be realized is overcoming the guilt of wanting to have something just for "ME".............m

[MikeinLA]

Originally Posted by justdoit

Their ages are almost 22 and 20 year olds. Both have tried school and decided not to continue. Neither are working full time. I am struggling with feeling the responsibility to continue to give them a place to live and wanting to take back my life.

As a Dad of a 19 year old, I have to say that I think you are enabling your children and preventing them from growing up to be hard-working productive adults. I have a friend of a friend who is turning 50 and has never moved out of his parent's apartment. He is lazy, slovenly and thinks the world owes him a living. The way I tell my son is that I did my job, paid for 12 years of private school, 4 years of college and when he graduates it is time for him to do his job and become a productive adult. I am actually quite fanatical on the subject and when the subject of boomerang kids comes up on the news, I have told him bluntly that I will sell the house before he moves back in after college. Now, we all realize how hard it is in this economy for kids to get started and if he is working hard and coming up short, I would surely help him out. But move back home? Never. I would never deprive my son of the pride and self-esteem I feel having gone from where I was to where I am through hard work.

Mike

[witzgall]

Hard to live in these times does not mean impossible. Yes, they might have to work more. Even two jobs. Yes, they might have to live with roomates. Yes, it might suck for them. But unless they are injured/handicapped, you will be doing them a huge favor, even if they scream bloody murder whilst you do it.

Chris

[Don Lucas]

One of the things about living on the boat is that my kids (27 & 21) don't really like boats. Meanwhile my wife and I keep downsizing where qwe live. But I understand the OP view point. I'm sure this is hard as you are used to the arrangement. But at this point you have start putting yourself first and your actions are to benefit you.

[sweetsailing]

MikeinLa's response reminds me of my our father's philosphy on parenting. Dad used to say "I know I have been a successful parent. How do I know? Because, none of my kids live with me, none of them owe me money and none of them are in jail." Hallmark's of a successful parent.

[capcook]

I would not let their situation slow you down one day... but you could offer to let them be crew on the boat if you have room... make them earn their way with watches, fishing, cooking, cleaning etc... my guess they will abandon ship soon enough... and if not, than you will have a nice crew... Good Luck...

Cheers

[AKCoastie]

If they are having trouble getting their feet on the ground, there are some very good jobs in the military that will teach them real self reliance. You don't need to ship off to war if you join. There are tons of rewarding jobs in the CG, Navy, and Airforce that aren't geared towards war. There is always the Peace Corps and NOAA too.

Get out there and enjoy yourself. You never know if you've only got 1 or 20 years left on this world. Enjoy everyone of them and let your kids learn from the ups and downs of life as well.

[michaeldsusa]

If you are among those that have kids not yet of college age please think really hard about what you do. Neither of us went to college so we didn't really know where the rocks were. Now she has three kids with enormous college debt and no way to pay for them - just a tough job market. And yes they have two or more jobs each and are sharing an apartment....
I refused to cosign loans. Son is a welder and does pretty well. Daughter is going to college and working full time and it's really tough but she writes her tuition check every month and will graduate debt free. And as I pointed out to her she can take ALL the credit for her successes in school.

You are now returned to your regular programming.....

[Hud3]

justdoit,

You're not leaving your kids behind. You're showing them the way.