Leaving Children Behind

[Noname1]

Originally Posted by Hud3

justdoit,

You're not leaving your kids behind. You're showing them the way.

I love it!

I will shamelessly repeat it.

[Boracay]

I was kicked south at age 12 to go to boarding school, returning "home" many times for holidays, some quite extended.

The one thing I wish my parents had done is to sit down with me and discuss various ways of making money. In the sixties the accepted wisdom was that one got the best possible education and then looked for the best possible job.

This does not suit some and it didn't really suit me. Some serious counseling that got past adolescent fantasies would have been very nice.

[roverhi]

I was the victim of tough love from my parents. When I decided to drop out of school they said fine, find an apartment and give us a call occasionally. After 6 months of working decided College was really worthwhile. Parents said, that's great, tell us when the graduation ceremony is. Managed to work full time and carry a full load for a year and a half but graduated with minimal debt. Somehow managed to get where I was going on my own.

With our own children, our oldest son worked part time, we paid rent and tuition and he graduated with a double degree, engineering and management and little debt. Younger son had a great time for a year and a half before finally flunking out. He came home for a couple of months but we soon invited him to find a place to live on his own. We told him if he went back to school, he'd have to show us one good semester before we'd consider helping him out financially. He worked for a couple of years but got tired of living below the poverty line and decided to go back to school. He refused any help and insisted on paying for his education himself. He just graduated.

I think you are doing your kids a disservice if you delay your cruise and continue to support their lifestyle at the expense of your cruise.

[Reality Check]

Originally Posted by roverhi

I was the victim of tough love from my parents. When I decided to drop out of school they said fine, find an apartment and give us a call occasionally. After 6 months of working decided College was really worthwhile. Parents said, that's great, tell us when the graduation ceremony is. Managed to work full time and carry a full load for a year and a half but graduated with minimal debt. Somehow managed to get where I was going on my own.

With our own children, our oldest son worked part time, we paid rent and tuition and he graduated with a double degree, engineering and management and little debt. Younger son had a great time for a year and a half before finally flunking out. He came home for a couple of months but we soon invited him to find a place to live on his own. We told him if he went back to school, he'd have to show us one good semester before we'd consider helping him out financially. He worked for a couple of years but got tired of living below the poverty line and decided to go back to school. He refused any help and insisted on paying for his education himself. He just graduated.

I think you are doing your kids a disservice if you delay your cruise and continue to support their lifestyle at the expense of your cruise.

Amen.......

[CharlieCobra]

I have 8 kids with the youngest on a rebound back home at present. Our rule was, if you're not in school, it's out the door at 19. We're fixing to exercise that rule again shortly. Yeah, times are tough but the other 7 are out there doing it and this one will too shortly. Give them the nudge and go sailing...

[Ocean Girl]

My mom had a dream. That dream was to sail around the world. She met my dad (step dad) and a few weeks later they sailed off into the horizon without a backward glance! I was 22, the youngest of three kids. Frankly, I felt a bit jilted! The first few months I waited for the call saying they couldn't live without me, but it never came. I waited for the letters saying they missed me and couldn't handle being away from me, but it never came. When they did call there was usually music playing in the background and talk of sandy beaches and blue oceans. They handled the separation quite well and always kept a stiff upper lip. Frankly, if I didn't know better I'd say they handled it a bit too well, at times they even seemed giddy.

I realized that my parents could have a life without me (trust me, I'm as shocked as you are)

Meanwhile, I learned how fight my own battles, pay my bills, use a laundromat, make decisions,
make mistakes (that part was easy).

Go, they will be ok.
Erika

[Dreaming Yachtsman]

Our older son moved in with us after college because he found a well paying job at a local national laboratory in our home town. He payed rent into a separate bank account for two years until we drew the money out for the down payment on our cruising boat. A few months after we started cruising, he bought the house from us. Now he is married so in hurricane season we stay with our other son in the condo we helped him buy and are now "fixing up". Our younger son never came back home to live after college. When he told my wife that he felt like we had deserted him when we took off cruising, she asked him why he felt that way since he rarely saw us after heading off to college. He replied that before we left he new we were just a few hours away by car - now we are thousands of miles away.

He seems to have gotten over it, though.

[Minggat]

Originally Posted by justdoit

That sense of "homebase" is gone. ........ All perspectives welcomed!!

Well, you certainly are getting a lot of perspectives. And they all seem to say, JUST DO IT.

I'd say the same. You are already stuck. You want to and therefore you will. As far as the kids go, since we were all kids at some point, we know something about what they will face. I sheepishly admit to being one of those who went home when it was not easy to make it on my own. Many years later when my father died I felt the loss that the "homebase" was gone.

That homebase can be a little elusive. For some people more than others. But my boat is my home and it feels like it. My corner of the world. Your kids need to build their own corner of the world.

As for your own homebase, just try to remember that it can be messy. You will find that things like goverments have a little trouble dealing with you. They don't know how to handle people in our positions. I also know how that is because sometimes I don't know how to deal with me. (At the moment I'm in one country, my wife is in another and my boat is in another). We all seek stability, but some of us are happy just to know where stability can be found. It's in our heads..... or not.

[Tellie]

My fathers advice is the same I have given my 17 year old for years. It is my responsibility to keep you safe, properly house you, feed you and give you the best education I possibly can. If it means giving up all my free time, and pleasures to work three jobs a day to do so, it's the job I signed up for when we decided to have children. It is their job, with plenty of guidance for eighteen years, to take full advantage all that is freely and lovingly given to them.
On their eighteenth birthday they, as did I, will receive a birthday card with the greatest gift I can give them inside. One word will appear just above "Love Mom and Dad" That word is "Freedom"
If ever I was thought of as enabling, a Boomerang, or Helicopter parent. I would seriously feel insulted

[justdoit]

Thanks everyone for your "pearls" of wisdom. It's great to find a supportive community!

The saying: It takes a village to raise a child. I'm finding I need a city to help me let go of them. I was always anxious to have them grow up and be independent.....but I pictured that with the house to come home to if they ever need it. As another wise person pointed out to me....I am that security, not the house.

Funny, not ONE post said to stick around for a bit longer! Raising children was truly and adventure, and one I was fortunate to have........but time for the next adventure! We are going to look at some boats tomorrow....what a great way to spend a day off.

Thanks for all of your openness......keep it coming.....I will have moments of doubt and guilt. LOL.

[zeehag]

i told my son i will go away and leave him behind when i sail---i donot want to be bothered with bs and nonsense---he is grown--he has his life and i have mine--as it should be......and i have lol--is easy to do .....just GO!!!!!!

[Ocean Girl]

Originally Posted by justdoit

Thanks everyone for your "pearls" of wisdom. It's great to find a supportive community!

The saying: It takes a village to raise a child. I'm finding I need a city to help me let go of them. I was always anxious to have them grow up and be independent.....but I pictured that with the house to come home to if they ever need it. As another wise person pointed out to me....I am that security, not the house.

Funny, not ONE post said to stick around for a bit longer! Raising children was truly and adventure, and one I was fortunate to have........but time for the next adventure! We are going to look at some boats tomorrow....what a great way to spend a day off.

Thanks for all of your openness......keep it coming.....I will have moments of doubt and guilt. LOL.

In my tongue in cheek reply I forgot to say - as they plotted to leave, as they cast off the lines, and as they sailed around the world, they never stopped telling me how much they loved me.

My mom and I never stopped being best friends, even when she "dropped me like a hot potato" for a RTW adventure with a handsome sailor man.

Cheers,
Erika

[zeehag]

Originally Posted by Ocean Girl

In my tongue in cheek reply I forgot to say - as they plotted to leave, as they cast off the lines, and as they sailed around the world, they never stopped telling me how much they loved me.

My mom and I never stopped being best friends, even when she "dropped me like a hot potato" for a RTW adventure with a handsome sailor man.

Cheers,
Erika

i love my son--he kno0ws that---he knows i am available for advice, info, shoulder to cry on----and that i am NOT available for money, a place to stay or babysitting favors lol.....is alllll gooood---and i leave happily every time--last saw him 3-4 yrs ago--have heard from him occasionally--he doesnt call much...is alll goood----

[sck5]

Back in the day I and all my friends couldnt wait to get out of our parents' houses - They wouldnt let us smoke pot and have sex. Many of today's parents are perfectly OK with that kind of thing - why should the kids move out when they have such a good deal?

I am all for supporting them through college because my father supported me and his father supported him through school. I told them my price for paying for their college is that THEY pay for my grandchildren's college. That way everybody only pays once. But if they drop out they have to maintain their own life functions. Nothing like a minimum wage job to focus the mind on the benefits of higher education.

[sck5]

by the way, this thread is mis-titled. People in their 20's arent "children"