Leaving Children Behind

[paradix]

Originally Posted by sck5

by the way, this thread is mis-titled. People in their 20's arent "children"

Only by one definition. The word "children" is still correctly used by parents to describe their offspring, however old they are. My grandparents often boast of what their children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren are up to. Their children are in their 60's!

Incidentally, to the original poster, I agree wholeheartedly with the sentiments that you will be offering them a wonderful gift by enforcing their future independence!

[GordMay]

Originally Posted by sck5

by the way, this thread is mis-titled. People in their 20's arent "children"

Somehow “children” seems a much warmer & friendlier term for offspring, than do brood, spawn, issue, or progeny.
I don’t think our over-40 year old daughter objects to being referred to as our child.

[MoonlightSailor]

Ditch the kids and get going....life is passing you by while your kids get to learn "life". They're going to do what they want to do at this point in their life anyway! ....sink or swim baby!

[zeehag]

Originally Posted by moonlightsailor

Ditch the kids and get going....life is passing you by while your kids get to learn "life". They're going to do what they want to do at this point in their life anyway! ....sink or swim baby!

AMEN!!!!!!!!

[sarafina]

go.

our oldest is on Maui *finding herself* and the youngest is a Junior in high school. Our first left turn out the gate is planned for the fall after she graduates from high school. She and I are going cruising next summer for a week or two up the coast and maybe the following summer as well, but she will be off to college and we (hope) to be heading south for the 2011 baha haha. We would love for either of them to come join us for a leg anywhere, but no way am I staying home so they have a nest to come back to!

Yours' will be fine with out. perhaps better they they currently are with you, and it sounds as if you will be better off as well!

GO.

[Lostmt]

Sell the house and put a sign on the door. Have Moved Left No Forwarding Address

If they can't find a job there is always the military like another suggested. Our youngest got out of high school and joined the Army that was nine years ago. Sure we miss and worry about him but he is only a phone call away or a short plane ride. We keep telling him to get stationed in Germany and we'll come live with him.

You lived your life for then as they grew up. Now its time for you to live your life for you.

Go cruising they'll be fine.

[SurferShane]

I agree with most of the above comments,

You are actually being a positive role model and exhibiting the adventurous get up and go spirit that seems to be lacking in the modern world. I don’t know about where you live, but over here I have always been disturbed that I live so close to the ocean and still a lot of people I know want to waste their lives on drugs and other frivolities. As a teenager, I can remember dropping in to drag mates out for a surf in perfect conditions and all they wanted to do was go “score”. A lot of this tension is still an underlying reason why I want to head for sea and am trying to introduce my daughter to the ocean, sailing and the subsequent healthy lifestyle.

The real difference in our current situations is that my daughter is only 4 so really needs my close attention for a few more years. Your children are over the developmental stage and should be at phase where they are going to need to learn to stand on their own feet. At their age it would be a great experience to get them out as crew on a few journeys?

[Roaring Girl]

Your children are lucky to have had the nest for this long!

I'm not a mother, but I've been a child. My parents separated when I was in the second year of Uni (ie 21), and it was a real mess, leaving all three of us with no homebase at all. I'm the middle one, and the youngest was then 18. We coped.

Enjoy the sailing, and they can visit if they want.

[Talbot]

It is a fact of life, that as a parent you will worry about your children.

That worry should continue until you die! - The alternative is that either your child has died or some major disaster has happened to your relationship. Pray neither of these ever happens to you.

This worry will be intensified if you decide to move away from your children. Are you doing the right thing?

However, if your children want to move away to follow their dream, you will be the first to support them and send them on their way.

Just because they have moved away, does not stop communication between you, especially these days.

So what is the difference? - Follow your dreams.

My parents did they emigrated to Australia when they were in their mid 70s. I talk on the phone at least every other week and see them about every 18 months. I am now in Norway, my children are in UK - no difference.

I gave my children my full attention as far as a military life allowed until they were grown up and happy in their own lives. Moving away does not change relationships or love. If you are travelling in a nice boat, you will probably see them even more often as you travel to nice places!!!!

[bobfnbw]

I am 51. I have 2 sons age 7 and 14.
I tell them all the time that at age 18 they have only 3 choices.
1 is to go to collage, and then its ok to stay at home.
2 is to go to work, then they find there own place.
3 is to get out 90 days after graduation is they have no plans.

in 11 years my 7 year old will be out of high school, I will retire, the house will be sold, and we will be off. I will encourage our kids to visit occasionally, to call often but to fly well on their own.

It is tough in the current job market for young people, but there are jobs out there.. they just may have to travel a bit to get them.
I talk to my oldest about what he wants to do vrs what is best for the future economy.
Wanting to be a professional soccer player is one thing, but having another goal is another. We discuss what the future in 8- 10 years will be like, and what jobs will be in demand vs not in demand. Hopefully they will prosper as I did, but in the end it is up to them, and holding them back by taking care of them at home is ultimately doing them a disservice.

Bob

[Mule]

Watch me flip this one. MOTHER, is having a cow because We (wife&I) have bought a boat and are haulin' ass come June. I am 62, she (mom) is 82. The saw can cut both ways.

The story I told her was this; I paid my debt to you through my children, 2 self assured highly successful (read almost wealthy) adults, that have made it on ther own, 35, 38 yrs. I owe you nothing. I want you to be taken care of and warm, fed and to have an atmosphere that fosters happiness. If you choose to be happy with friends, that is up to you.

Those arrangments are in place financiallly.

I watched a woman look after MAMMA for years, as her husband shined their motorhome, mamma finally died, finally, six months later she has a stroke. Nuff about that.

As for the kids...I thought I was a hard ass... I gave each kid a chance at a full ride, after they blew it or rejected it I kept in place the tution plan that is a family tradition, I pay tution and books, all the rest is up to you. Turned out to be a good investment for a telephone man and a school teacher, which is what the wife and I are.

So Yeah Just do it, you are doing your children a disservice, break the lunch plate and wave bye bye...Drop em off at the Glory Hallauuuuya Mission for the homeless if they will not get with the program. I suspect they will surrive.

Oh Yeah, my kids are always welcome home if they want to be treated like 16 year olds, I had one return for a few weeks and she could not wait to get out.

[barnakiel]

Take it easy. 20-22 y.o. aint kids any more. If they are not studying, it is actually high time for them to get a job and get on with their own lives.

Tell them what your dream is and how you want to achieve it, nobody likes to feel surprised. Discuss any issues that may crop up. I am convinced you will be surprised with how much support you will receive.

Go for your dream.

b.

[Mule]

I just had a thought, sit each one down and let...no demand they read this thread in completely.

Then talk it over with them.

[Intentional Drifter]

I'll start off just like Phil (Moondancer) began, Speaking as a parent, a cruiser, and a psychologist, I couldn't agree more. My son is now 23. While he is back with us for a couple of months, it is only a stopping off point after graduating until he goes into the Peace Corps. His idea. Always has been.

I'm hoping he will join us for a few weeks on the boat before he departs to Africa, but it will be his call on that, not ours.

Our parenting philosophy all along has been to give/encourage/require our son to make those decisions for which he is developmentally capable, at that time in his life. He was also held accountable for the results. Sometimes, that wasn't pretty. Sometimes, it brought his mother and I some angst. The vast majority of the time, it brought us pride.

It is so hard to be a stand-on-your-own-cause-there's-nobody-else-to-do-it-for-you grownup. But, you must.

I like Mule's idea.

ID

[justdoit]

Thanks again all of you for you outstanding support.

Update: We have pretty much decided on the vessel. Financing is necessary and will come with the sell of the house. The "children" have been informed of the homeowner's intention and the real estate agent will be visiting this week to put the plans in official motion. The announcement was greeted with enthusiasm by the residents. As many of you have already stated.......I feel I am showing them the way to live....looking inside yourself and pursuing your own path. I explained their father and I made responsibilities (them) and lived up to giving them the best we could offer. Their father has passed away and that transition for all of has and is still difficult. Probably why I became "softer" then I had been prior to that family tragedy. I know I am fortunate to find another partner that shares the passion for water and adventure. And my children know I am lucky to not have to abandon this adventure....although my daughter is having a bit of difficulty coming to terms that it is not Dad doing it with Mom.....but she is good with the adjustment. Everyone is excited about the boat. I told them I am dismantling the nest, so they better be spreading the wings. It was and is my intention for them to read these boards.....I already told them I have been posting and not a single response was for me to continue to spend 35K a year in mortgage, taxes, utilities, insurance, etc for this house. We were all astonished how much it was actually costing to live in our modest home. And all on a single salary now. So.....Mom is ready to let her free spirit out. I tell many that I feel 22 again, expcept I have more financial stability and a career to sustain my life. Come to think of it have more of some stuff now than I did then......stuff, weight, and hopefully widsom!! LOL

This is quite liberating. My attittude at work is freer......I know the days are numbered......more than I would like them to be, we plan to leave Sept '10.

We are all in the transition right now.......and it should be said that everyday is a quiet transition, life is continous motion, general so slow that we don't really pay attention until we make "big" decisions. Selling and moving on is the final step of leaving the old life with Dad tangibly connected to it. But it is time.

So, thanks all you that have posted.......not sure if any of you are rechecking in. Your support has been needed. Isn't is amazing how a few words from completely strangers add to the ripples of motion in a life?