Keeping a Mate Happy Aboard

[Rick]

No matter how much I've learned over the years (including my failures in this matter) I must admit that I am inadequate and unqualified in understanding how to maintain a good long-lasting relationship with the woman that I love.

Nonetheless, I do not want to "single-hand" and steadfastly seek to keep my mate happy so that she wants to remain aboard with me. In order for me to get a clear picture of just what strength and determination a woman might have when she is NOT happy my fiance sent me this following joke:

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife" The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

By this time I'm REALLY paying attention.

Any advice out there? Wheels, Gord, Sean, ....?

[CaptainK]

Yeah get a bodyguard!!

[Alan Wheeler]

Your asking blokes????Don't ask us. Ask a Woman. I can't really speak for Gord and Sean, but if they are like me, we are all waiting for responses.
Ladies! we are all ears.

[Talbot]

There is a major fallacy in your request here. Any lass who is already so involved in the boaty side of things that she is also a member of these forums (and thank god there are some - but not mine unfortunately) is probably as unlikely to be able to help as the rest of us mere males.

[gini]

OK Rick, I'll take the bull by the horns and probably be impaled by the blokes on this Women Afloat thread which is absolutely germaine.
Being a spring chicken into my 64th year, and after MANY encounters with blokes, God Luv 'Em, it has occurred to me that there is a sort of four-letter-word approach to the concept ASK.
OK, even the dyslectics among us will dash in to point out it has only 3. Actually, it has 13, i.e. COMMUNICATION.
When one talks with a female, she likes to feel she COUNTS in the same way that a male crew does, that she IS listened to and DOES have something to contribute, even to some aspects of running a boat, or it accoutrements. This goes for all things living together. Try:
Have you finished with?
Would you like?
What do you think?
How ARE you today?
Shall we?
for starters. Got the picture? Try it out and let us know if it helps with the crewlist/last.

[Talbot]

Tried all that, unfortunately she hasnt!

[karlg]

This is a damn tough one for which I don't believe a simple answer exists. This is all just my opinion based on past experience.

A wife having little or no interest that agrees to supporting the goal of plying the 7 seas in a small sailboat based solely on her husbands dreams or desires... is a reliable recipe for total disaster. I drove that bumpy highway and will never take that road again.

Asking (or in some cases, force-feeding being the chosen method) your wife or girlfriend, especially if she does not share the mutual dream or has no sense or interest in extreme worldy adventure, TO... reprioritize her life and toss aside family, home & shopping conveinences, job/financial security, personal interests, hospital care and all else tied to the landlubber lifestyle can be one helleva of an OVERWHELMING, FRIGHTENING proposition for her.

I don't necessarily believe in the beginning she must share the same desires, to have a love for the sea or a pent up need to sail the world, but... it certainly doesn't hurt. Without the interest or desire, getting her to that "dock line cutting day", if she EVER gets there, can be a very daunting, time-taxing, frustrating proposition for all involved.

I think it's important to realize, that no matter what direction one chooses in life, be it man or women, a sense of interest, accomplishment and self-satisfaction is normally required for long-term involvement in any path chosen. If one is sacrificing their needs and desires for another's... the chance of the venture being successful is limited.

To summarize my ramblings here... I live aboard alone and single hand the majority of the time. My goals are likely very similar to many here... that is to ply the oceans of the world with the one I love, to share a mutual desire and dream (critically important words here I believe), to live the lifestyle, cherish the experiences, the new found friends and cultures and relish in the excitement and freedom it affords, TOGETHER AS ONE... all on a little boat. Well, that's MY dream. Trust me when I say... the women are not lined up on the dock waiting for permission to come aboard. They are in finite supply

Lastly, no matter how she gets to the sheer excitement of "dock line cutting day"... I faithfully believe she ultimately has to WANT and DESIRE the lifestyle, at least nearly as much as you, be completely involved and... at the VERY MINIMUM, be treated as an equal partner.

Anyhow, based on my multiple failures, the above is what I've so far deduced as being part of the equation. I'm all ears for other's experiences and opinions.

The search goes on.... ;-)

[seagypsywoman]

Has any man here tried flattery as in "you're the most beautiful woman in the world and I am crazy about you," flowers, jewelry and perfume? Works for me every time. Women are simple creatures.

[karlg]

Hello Seagypsywoman,

Hmmmmm.... flowers, perfume, jewelry all sound nice and I think are appropriate efforts normally appreciated.

Let me ask you a hypothetical question... if the man you loved did all of the things you say have worked for you in the past.... do you think that would be sufficient cause for you to lets say...

dump your lifestyle and move to some rual area and become a farmer? ... if that's what he loved and what fed his passions.

I sure as hell wouldn't and I'm betting, after purusing your web page, which btw is very nice, you wouldn't either.

Though there's much more at stake here ie: respect, communication, honesty, trust, etc... basic common interests and mutual lifestyle goals do much in the way of fostering long-term compatibility. I'm going to be a bit patronizing for a second... My guess is you are probably quite the catch for a man that shares similar interests as yourself but, though you likely live a simple lifestyle, my guess is you are not a simple creature.

Thanks,
Karl

[Pblais]

A wife having little or no interest that agrees to supporting the goal of plying the 7 seas in a small sailboat based solely on her husbands dreams or desires... is a reliable recipe for total disaster. I drove that bumpy highway and will never take that road again.

That may be the one most accurate reply. They may love you but they can sure as heck can quickly hate this stinking boat! I don't think you can make someone like sailing that does not come to it on their own. Sure a weekend trip but not anything like a long voyage.

My wife is good for about 3 days straight on the water then she has to get off for at least the better part of a full day. Other than that she likes sailing and participates to a great extent. Its close but we won't be sailing away in the sunset on a long trip together. I wouldn't even try if she agreed to it. She enjoys it when it's nice and she handles most things well but isn't really able to lend a hand unless the conditions are favorable.

[karlg]

Paul,

At least you've been guided by intelligence and foresight instead of blind hope as was my case. When the time came to get serious about a possible purchase, we viewed a very wide $ range of cruising boats at the recommendation of the broker ...in an effort to acclimate and educate the wife... at least that was his reasoning. I finally agreed but, It seemed like the wrong call at time as he had us climbing through prospects that were too much boat and WAY out of our price range.

After a number of weekend trips to the gulf climbing through vessels of various ilks and the bombardment of negativity, I finally conceded to myself that this woman was never going to be happy with anything that we could afford to operate long-term. In her eyes, none were ever quite large enough and always fell short on her amenity list.... even a stunning 49' Transpac failed to make the grade.

Once I had deduced and accepted the fact that she truly had no real desire to cruise the globe.... AND that this was my dream and my goal alone, I wised up, gave up the quest and moved on. I wish it were as simple and elegant as seagypsywoman describes... It simply is not.

[Pblais]

It simply is not.

Most things really are not that simple as much as we try to make it seem so.

[swagman]

I am one of the lucky ones with a partner who loves sailing also - but maybe the fact we tend to cruise for only 3 - 4 months of each year and spend the rest in a regular home etc has something to do with it.

I personally believe the time one has when double handed to give undivided attention to ones partner is the key to 'selling' a lady on cruising.

But it is interesting, not just how few ladies have responded, but how few use this or other forums.

Is that a reflection of how few really do love sailing? Or a reflection on how few are as sad was we old gits - who spend far too long on cruising sites?

Cheers
JOHN

[gini]

G'day Varig!
Both your responses to seagypsywoman are, to me, extremely insightful and, having enjoyed some absorbing drinkie times visiting on board with seagypsywoman, I can confirm that your estimate is right on.
Why don't you two communicate directly?
Whatever!
Good hunting!

STILL no further offerings from other First Mates or Lady Skippers!

[seagypsywoman]

I certainly would move on a farm with a man who loved me and whom I loved and who treated me the way I described. I long to grow tomatoes, oranges and grapes, make homemade wine, have a piano in the library which by the way is full of DRY books!

I would like to have 10 lives and in each one I would do different things; be a dancer in one, a movie star in another, an artist in a third one, sailor in a fourth one (Oops, that's this one), a farmer in yet another one. All that is, is a superficial package. Who I am is way beyond what my lifestyle is. And with the right man I would live in a shack or a palace - it makes no difference.

By the way, I see this choice made all around me all the time - men giving up the dream of cruising around the world because they're with the right woman.

Has anyone here tried the flattery, flowers, and perfume route? I'm curious.