Keeping a Mate Happy Aboard

[Fire Cracker]

I went to the USVI in 2002 to meet my sailor and live on a boat. I met my sailor on my first day: a gorgeous English Captain and Marine Engineer. We took a different route and got married, had a baby instead, and traveled the world for a few years.

I'm an airline pilot so I had free flight benefits and plenty of savings. Finally I talked my Captain into buying a sailboat. We sold my airplane and put a down payment on a Bavaria 47. I am set to lose my job in the next year or so and have a chance for an early severance and flight benefits again. Now I want to sail our boat from Annapolis, Maryland to Sydney, Australia, where we have Residency and opportunities.

Everyone says we should just sell the boat instead of doing the long journey. Yet we've spent the past 2 years refitting her for offshore. I honestly spend more time researching the trip and doing it right than I can post on this type of forum. But as it has been said before, if you want the right woman to do the cruise, you need to find one that wants to do it; and my husband and I are not always on the same page. I'm talking him into leaving in Nov and it is stressful for him to get everything ready. It's taking two that want to do it (and the crew also.)

I'm researching insurance (and having no luck.) I'm trying IMIS now. But at least I have the book on the Cruising Routes, and a start at finding some crew mates. Our 4 year-old is very excited about it (though she won't get past Panama for safety concerns; she'll go to the grandparents.)

How to find women like us? I'm not sure, but we're out there....

Try skydiving drop-zones - that's where I was hanging out before I started sailing. You need someone with their own personal sense of adventure. Try Australian or New Zealand women, they love the sea!

I buy flowers for myself every week. My husband shows me love by working on our boat, that's kind of how most boat men seem to be. We all have different ways of showing love, and I know that's his way.

Good luck; and if anyone has any advise or any way to lead us on our journey PLEASE let me know!

Cheers!
Shannon

[S/V Antares]

(Quote)"Has anyone here tried the flattery, flowers, and perfume route? I'm curious."

Beware of setting dangerous precedents you will be expected to continue!

[Tropic Cat]

Originally Posted by GordMay

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Shoot.... now you tell me....

[Pelagic]

The problem with giving advice about personal relationships is that you have no other experience except you own and to be completely honest….you are not even objective about that one!

:kissy:

[Alondra]

I think it is a matter of understanding where both have to pitch in.

Starting out with a joke, or telling that women are "simple" does them unjust and says all about us man being the unable to communicate.

I live with my wife (a non sailor) for 5 years on board and we do fine. Not by simplicity or bold speech but understanding and the will to be together. This is my dream, and because of that it's her dream to. In the future, I have forfilled mine and we can share another, maybe hers.

And yes we fight. But love cannot come without a fight sometimes and the pure will to be together ends it and clears the room for better understanding.

Don't pretend you all to be John Wayne, I have news for you. You are not. Look inside yourself and ask yourself what the other half might think. Respond from that perspective and cut the crap. It's not nice and makes me feel sorry for y'all. And that dear sailors, is the last thing you need.

[indy]

OK Guys write this down in ink between your fingers-
Yes dear you were right
I was wrong
What was I thinking?

[imagine2frolic]

Originally Posted by indy

OK Guys write this down in ink between your fingers-
Yes dear you were right
I was wrong
What was I thinking?

Was that said in jest?

[opsailor]

It seems that over the past few years, I've given up a number of "things" in order to convince my mate that I'll do almost anything to get her to come along. She loves the water and being out there, but is not a sailing enthusiast. It has been important, at least it seems to me, to find those no bargain positions or items, and work around them. We have a coastal boat that we'll use to ply the Caribbean, and we have comforts that mean nothing to me, but everything to my mate: plenty of fresh water (watermaker); lots of room and brightness below; hair dryer; wine glasses made of glass; time at home; microwave; and a few other items.

We started out on a trawler (36') because you don't have to climb around stuff as you do on sailboats, and you don't have to pull on all those lines. We're now on a sloop that she has completely re-decorated down below. She's put more hours into the work of getting the boat ready to leave than I have. I think because she owns down below, and the rest of the boat is mine.

Finally, during our 10,000nm on the trawler, I have demonstrated that we just don't have to go out there and get beat up. We are fair weather sailors, prepared for most anything, but never doing it deliberately. It has been a comfort to the mate, and so much easier on me. Yeah, I've "given up" a bunch of stuff, but not one bit of it more important than being out there with my mate.

[miss-m]

I am the catalyst for our impending voyage next year. We'd spoken about it for 5 years, since getting the boat, but it was always 'someday' when the 'time was right'. I finally lost my patience waiting and waiting for someday to even look vaguely like it was going to happen, so I picked a quiet night and tried to work out exactly what it was that was stopping us. From my side, the answer was nothing- I'd leave work and set off tomorrow, but he (my other half) has children, ill parents and maintenance payments to make. So his hurdles were worth considering in depth. In the end, I appealed to his sense of the organised. I wrote a game plan. I was cheeky and started it from April 2009, expecting him to dismiss it out of hand as way to soon- this was in April 2008. I included pictures (lots of beautiful sunsets and sandy beaches), sensible suggestions of working arrangements and time to see his kids and most important a full scale cost assessment which showed that if we sold up, we would save more each month then I earn, so I could give up work! To my utter amazement, he agreed with it all without question, and we've moved full steam ahead ever since. Wish I'd done it last year.
The point to this very long winded post is to know your 'enemy'. Think it through from someone else's side. What are their worries? What are their dreams? If you can find a way to hook them in, it's easy to get them excited about the rest of it. And once they're excited, they'll be prepared to give up home comforts and security for a bigger adventure.
On the flip side, not everyone is cut out for the cruising life and maybe your partners aren't. Of all our friends, only one other couple doesn't think we've lost our marbles. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.

(By the way, from a girlie point of view, my biggest issue was not feeling in control. What happened if he fell overboard? What happened if we got sick? What about if family got sick? What if the boat broke? Women are born worriers. The best way I found to overcome this was to sit down and have an indepth discussion with my partner about all the possible scenarios (even the ones he thought were stupid), and work out a plan for each one. I readily admit most of the plans have never been tried and tested, but just being able to have a rough idea in my head made me feel so much better. Just a thought for those of you looking for ideas to help)

[GordMay]

Wow - three great contributions!
Thanks to indy, opsailor, & miss-m.
All great stuff!

[S/V Antares]

Both of us cruised the Carib , south and Central America as youth and some as young adults. 30 years later my wife kept discussing the idea and was constantly working on the boat. I had a great fun job and was in no hurry to leave. One day she told me (Told , not asked) that we were leaving in the fall. I made excauses and complained that I had a great job, that we need a bigger boat but she would not have any of it. We left last October and I have never felt better. We have been able to rent the house out for the winter and enjoy cruising the Bahamas Then return to the Cheasapeake and fix up the house and or boat in the summer.

[Ex-Calif]

Originally Posted by Fire Cracker

How to find women like us? I'm not sure, but we're out there....

Try skydiving drop-zones - that's where I was hanging out before I started sailing. You need someone with their own personal sense of adventure.

That's the best damn advice I've seen around for quite a while.

Leopards don't usually change their spots. If you wanna be married to a Leaopard you gotta find one in its natural element.

[Dave the Canuck]

I find that this normally holds true.

[Agur's Wish]

I decided to do the liveaboard thing because my husband had made many sacrifices for me over the years. He moved back to a town and job he hated and took on 3 adolescent boys who resented his taking over the house. I'm not sure I was worth it. So I felt I owed him. But he did terrify me when he'd talk about being out for 5 or more years, not coming back for important events like weddings and funerals. But instead of arguing I figured we'd work it out as we went along. Lucky for us we did. By the way, in the first year of living aboard 4 of our 5 children decided to get married, one grandchild was born, and his father died. And we made it back for all of them. I think men and women have different "ties" and to ask her to give up everything that's important to her is unfair. So I think the all or nothing approach doesn't work. You both have to compromise and maybe your idea of leaving it all behind for good won't work out but at least you'll be able to do it part-time. I write about the first mate's experience on my blog A First Mate's Rules of the Road A First Mate's Rules of The Road I hope it can help you out.

First Mate Mary

[Gman2065g]

LOL wow! I've enjoyed everyones posts on this subject so far. Kudos to Rick for that opening joke.

For me, my problem is that I am a young guy living aboard. My boat sits moored out in the bay and when trying to flirt with woman and when bringing up the subject that I live on a boat freaks them out. For them it is the idea of being alone at night out in the bay that is very dark and creepy. For a woman I can understand this but come on ladies? Where is your sense of adventure at?