I Don't Know What To Do

[SmartMove]

Originally Posted by o_q

I wanted to reiterate my point by saying it a bit more explicitly.

I really wonder how many people have experience with this situation. And if so, I doubt there's some sort of follow-up to let them know she's is better off. People are quick to direct someone to a hotline to solve their problems, but I truly wonder how helpful they are. I wonder if it's like those situations when parents (or single parent) are determined as an unfit parent, and in the case the parent ends up in jail, and the child taken to some shitty foster home, everyone is much worse off, and no one wins. People at CPS have jobs either way, and everyone thinks they're a hero. Fake humanity American ********.

I want people to be better off, but if you're going to do something, I really want you to think about the consequences of your actions. And let your actions be your own, not some service that might take actions you are unaware of. You don't meddle with other people's lives just so you can sleep at night.

Point taken. I am taking this very seriously and thinking before doing anything. I have offered friendship to open a dialogue and that has been rejected. What ever I decide to do will not be so I can sleep better at night. And, who knows, maybe it is just sex play, but it just doesn't quite sound like it.

[SmartMove]

Originally Posted by Katiusha

Having been on a receiving end of something like this, I agree with terminalcitygirl: put up info about some center or hotline that she can contact. If none available in the area, print out something from the Internet and put it in female bathroom. Maybe terminalcitygirl can point to some online material?

Asking "how are you?" and soulfully looking into the eyes doesn't usually work imho. Engaging her in a conversation and showing her that she's knowledgeable about something would hopefully raise her self esteem and be more productive (unless of course this guy is a jealous type).

For those of you critiquing her behaviour or telling OP to leave it be out of conjecture, please don't say anything unless you've been there. It's vastly different on the other side and kudos to OP for caring enough.

Since she is clearly rebuffing my attempts at friendship, I am going to follow the advise of Terminalcitygirl and post stuff in the bathroom. I know that ultimately she has to be the one to save herself, but if I can give her the info to facilitate that, so be it. I will continue to offer friendship.

[SmartMove]

Originally Posted by boatman61

You have 3 choices...
1/ Ignore it and move on to another location..
2/ Complain to the marina about it and the fact it disturbs your nights... the nuisance factor is not limited to loud music and drunks... but this only stops the noise.. maybe,,
3/ Next time go and knock on the hull and confront the guy and tell him to shut the hell up and keep it down... this action (if your suspicion is true) shows your active in your support and not going to crumble in a confrontation.. to many do gooders are not prepared to go all the way when they stand to catch the fall out... then its down to her...

Something else you should be aware off.. there are some women who scream like crazy during sex... they can't help it... scares the hell outa you...

my 0.0000000000000001centimes

Years ago, living in Hawaii, we had a screamer that lived next door. The first time I heard it I thought someone was being murdered, it was quite disturbing -- about the time I was ready to dial 911, I don't remember was she screamed now but it clued me in and I went back to bed.

This is different and it is not just at night. The first time was in the middle of the day just after she finished taking her dry laundry down. It is the quietness about it that is so disturbing.

I would stand and catch the fall out if she needed me. I would most likely be stupid enough to confront the guy as well. But I do understand that if I meddle and she isn't ready to help herself everything can get much worse for her. So, as I said above, I am going to follow Terminalcitygirl's advise and find resources for help and post them in the bathroom and at the pool.

Robyn

[boatman61]

One question... how does your partner feel about this... in support..?
Or is this an independent action by you...?
Don't let the choices of others screw up your life... believe me... its never worth the cost..

I've had folk on here convinced I'm an alcoholic... several have sent me AA online links....
Some like Jedi who've seen me unwind after a stressful few months may be convinced... other members who've seen/know me in everyday mode know full well I'm not... things are not always as clear cut as they may appear...
Just saying...

[terminalcitygrl]

Originally Posted by o_q

I'm not saying this is not true, but could you tell me how lives were saved?

I want to believe you are actually being genuine and not a troll on this issue so I will provide an answer but google is a great tool for anyone actually interested in better understanding the issue of violence against women. There are lots of resources that explain the dynamics and difficulties with physical (size/ strength) and social (privilege/ power) that put women at risk.

A scenario I heard repeatedly: neighbour calls police, police visit and give woman support services info, take man into custody overnight, take her and children to shelter. She gets restraining order, counselling and shelter help her understand the cycle of violence, that it isn't her fault, keep her safe, help her build her confidence and reimagine her life. They support her to find safe housing, get job training, child care. She and her children live without fear of getting the **** kicked out of them at whim and become functional contributing members of society.

Another scenario involves a battered woman escaping from brutal attack to a neighbour or friends house. Friend/ neighbour takes her to hospital. Hospital treats her and has police attend. See above.

Another scenario involves friend/ co-worker giving woman info which she protests she doesn't need but later she reads it anyway and reads even more online. She keep the crisis number. Eventually she calls and talks to someone. After a few conversations she makes an appointment with a counsellor. She puts into place a safety plan, comes to understand the violence is not her fault. Eventually she leaves him.

Robyn, please read the awesome resource posted by Seaworthy Lass, lots of great info there. Please make sure you keep yourself safe and get support for you if you need it. This is not an easy thing you've been unwittingly brought into. I think you've been really smart in looking for support and advice and simply offering friendship.

[Teknav]

Not here or there...think hard about what the consequences might be, if it backfires! Why do you think most physicians on board of planes will NOT answer a call "Is there a doctor on board?". LIABILITY/MALPRACTICE LAW SUITS are very expensive AND can be career ending; that is why. If someone has a problem, don't make it yours; unless specifically asked to intervene.

Mauritz
Good Samaritan when asked...

[tamicatana]

Robyn,

Here's perhaps some inspiration from Sampat Pal:

Sampat Pal, head of India’s vigilante pink sari revolution. - Slate Magazine

[David_Old_Jersey]

Fair play to OP for not walking on by .

I like the idea of putting some info in the khazi. I think need to decide on whether to go for a full on intervention or to be around when she needs help / decides to jump ship herself.....albeit the likelihood is that nothing happens, at least whilst you are around.

I think the former has risks of simply not working if done DIY (albeit maybe find out what the local support network is, if any and seek some advice), the latter would likely be my favoured option by simply keeping on friendly terms and not discussing the subject directly, but instead steering conversations into helpful areas (self worth and planting ideas about options she has to leave). Could even invite her onboard for a girls sailing day without men :-) .......and a group bitch?!


FWIW, me late Missus was somewhat unsubtle in checking me out on that side of things. But she was an unsubtle woman! Despite us having know each other over the thick end of a decade before getting hitched she came from a culture where in marriage rape and battering were not uncommon......so she punched me! HARD! (after faking up an argument), just to see what I would do / whether I could control myself. Perhaps not PC to say how I explained in terms she would understand (not a lingo problem) what would happen if she did that again in the future (a one time only event - with a visit to the Hospital, I lied on that second bit. and probably the first - hell I would probably have forgiven her decapitating me ).....but nonetheless I "passed" the test , as entirely calm. The rape test was simply a conversation! The irony of course was a) she no fear of anything, living or dead and b) capable of sending anyone off to meet Buddha personally.....and slept soundly at night on that, but everyone I guess has fears and ghosts.

[terminalcitygrl]

In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing. -Theodore Roosevelt

[o_q]

Originally Posted by terminalcitygrl

I want to believe you are actually being genuine and not a troll on this issue so I will provide an answer but google is a great tool for anyone actually interested in better understanding the issue of violence against women. There are lots of resources that explain the dynamics and difficulties with physical (size/ strength) and social (privilege/ power) that put women at risk.

A scenario I heard repeatedly: neighbour calls police, police visit and give woman support services info, take man into custody overnight, take her and children to shelter. She gets restraining order, counselling and shelter help her understand the cycle of violence, that it isn't her fault, keep her safe, help her build her confidence and reimagine her life. They support her to find safe housing, get job training, child care. She and her children live without fear of getting the **** kicked out of them at whim and become functional contributing members of society.

Another scenario involves a battered woman escaping from brutal attack to a neighbour or friends house. Friend/ neighbour takes her to hospital. Hospital treats her and has police attend. See above.

Another scenario involves friend/ co-worker giving woman info which she protests she doesn't need but later she reads it anyway and reads even more online. She keep the crisis number. Eventually she calls and talks to someone. After a few conversations she makes an appointment with a counsellor. She puts into place a safety plan, comes to understand the violence is not her fault. Eventually she leaves him.

Robyn, please read the awesome resource posted by Seaworthy Lass, lots of great info there. Please make sure you keep yourself safe and get support for you if you need it. This is not an easy thing you've been unwittingly brought into. I think you've been really smart in looking for support and advice and simply offering friendship.

Knowing what services she gets is one thing, but I just want to know if you follow up with them when they are on their feet?

None of what I'm asking is rhetorical. I'm just skeptical of most systems, and I really want to know if they work. And seeing the end result is how you know. I hope the follow ups are in person. No one wants to tell you that everything you've done for them was all for nothing, and will likely say everything is fine.

[Cheechako]

A loud strong argument is not abuse. Stay out of it. Some couples do this alot... screaming at each other, I never understood it. If more than that occurs, then call the cops. If not, mind your own business.
Offer to help her if she needs to get away if you want.... her decision...

[terminalcitygrl]

Originally Posted by o_q

Knowing what services she gets is one thing, but I just want to know if you follow up with them when they are on their feet?

None of what I'm asking is rhetorical. I'm just skeptical of most systems, and I really want to know if they work. And seeing the end result is how you know. I hope the follow ups are in person. No one wants to tell you that everything you've done for them was all for nothing, and will likely say everything is fine.

I'd say at least 1/2 to 2/3rds of the women I worked with (other counsellors and support group facilitators) were survivors - women who had turned their lives around after receiving help leaving their abusive partner and wanted to help others. Most support services are in place to help in the immediate aftermath and for transition as long as women need them. Support groups were often 3 months long and then we had drop-in groups as well, kind of like AA, that people could just attend whenever they needed support. Often we would support women as they dealt with the criminal justice system - getting restraining orders, meeting with prosecutors, testifying, etc... This could go on for years. So yes, in my experience, there is lots of ongoing support.

A friend recently posted this link to some global ads educating on domestic violence for anyone interested. Warning: some of the images are disturbing.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/copyranter/t...-awareness-ads

[Seaworthy Lass]

Originally Posted by Teknav

Not here or there...think hard about what the consequences might be, if it backfires! Why do you think most physicians on board of planes will NOT answer a call "Is there a doctor on board?". LIABILITY/MALPRACTICE LAW SUITS are very expensive AND can be career ending; that is why. If someone has a problem, don't make it yours; unless specifically asked to intervene.

Mauritz
Good Samaritan when asked...

WOW! That is certainly not my attitude and I would hope not the attitude of others if I were ever in trouble on the water. I think fear of litigation is a pathetic reason not to extend help .

[Teknav]

Hiya Lass! If you have spent about 30 years of your life to build your career, why on earth would you want to risk anything that might harm your hard work? It's one thing, if I see a boat burning/sinking...I'll be the first one at the scene to pluck/rescue everyone on it. If I see someone caught in a rip current...I'll go and get this person; these are noble acts that require no second thoughts. On the other hand, when it comes to personal emotions issues, whack jobs, liability issues due to a complicated emergency surgery...I'll stay out; I have a lot to lose, sorry! Agree or disagree, I hope that we remain friends.

Mauritz
What is right, wrong or fair has nothing to do with each other.

[terminalcitygrl]

On a personal note, one of my closest friends who I met in University while doing post-grad work watched her father beat her mother to death when she was 11 years old. It was the 70's and there wasn't much education/ activism/ support services for domestic violence. It had been escalating for years but the neighbours, police, friends didn't want to intervene in what at the time was considered a "private" matter. Thank god attitudes are changing. Her father went to jail for 10 years and underwent counselling. Even he now wishes someone had intervened before that horrible night. She has had years of counselling herself and wrote her thesis evaluating prison rehab programs for men who batter.