Getting Fiance Interested in Sailing

[jm21]

Originally Posted by At sea

Sheesh pal, to think that earlier on in this thread I thought you were genuinely after assistance and helpful advice. But the longer this thread has gone, the more you reveal not only your ignorance about other places - and refuse to stand corrected - but your cash focussed and insular outlook generally. My final advice to you is: when you're in a hole, stop digging.

PS: Oz has a list of occupations which are in demand and for which working visas are granted. Lawyers are not on that list.

Surprisingly, lawyers were on the list a few years ago. Hard to believe. Can't imagine a place that needs more lawyers.

When I think of work I certainly think of money. If you are in an occupation you love and you never worry about money, all power to you.

I'm sure Oz has it's good points. I love masterchef AUS and junior masterchef AUS. I'd love to dive the great barrier reef. But I don't see any reason why I would move there.

[jm21]

Originally Posted by VirtualVagabond

Fair comment. It's what I would have expected. So why the issue over a lousy $4000 in mooring fees?

I've reached the grey and grizzley stage, at last!
And I'm lucky enough to have learned a bit about relationships to the point where I know from too much first hand experience, relationships that work are the ones where BOTH partners accept each other for who they are and what they do.
None of this... "he/she's mostly ok, and I can slowly work on the other bits."
You've got to love their good points, and be HAPPY to forgive the things you might have liked to be a bit different.

It doesn't sound like she understands this yet.

You love to sail and you have a boat. It's part of the YOU she's supposed to love. You also earn the bucks and can afford it. She's got to get over it and count the other blessings of a relationship with you.

Also, rushing into a marriage because of a legal requirement is lunacy... but deep down you know that. I suspect your gut instinct is worrying you... it's why you posted here in the first place. Heed the gut!

You make some very good points. Thanks for replying. That gives me alot to think about.

[kmason]

I have a foreign born wife that knew going into the marriage that I have a sailboat and would one day become one of the non-racing rats. She also got motion sickness very easily and I've seen her over the railing a few times as we sailed about. But I had a plan to convince her that sailing as a lifestyle should be an option for her.

I chartered a 40 FP Catamaran in Phuket Thailand for a pretty reasonable rate. We paired up with my friend and his wife for a 5 day cruising vacation around the postcard pictured islands of Thailand. I brought along many different forms of meds for motion sickness so she could deal with that and enjoy the time on board. We had a great time sailing, motoring, snorkeling and sleeping under the stars on the forward trampoline.

My best mate would sit in the chair, disengage the autopilot and sail. I loved the look on her face as she would sit at the helm in full command of this vessel. I taught her some basic terms ("why do they call ropes sheets when the sails look more like bedding?") and some seamanship. She loved having that boat at her command and just the wind to push us along. The more she learned the more she understood. After the first day she was off the meds and had her sea legs so the motion sickness wasn't a factor anymore. It was one of the most relaxing and enjoyable times we've ever spent together. It was freedom pure and simple.

The last day we motored into the slip after fueling up and everyone was pretty somber. The ride back to our hotel on the other side of Phuket was a quiet ride ending - we were all just thinking about the last 5 days, we didn't need words right now.

After checking into our hotel and settling in our room my wife/skipper sat across from me on the bed, with a seriousness in her eyes I've never seen before, she said, "Ok, I know why you love sailing so much. Where are we at NOW and how long will it take to get THERE?"

At that moment, my wife was and remains completely sold on sailing although she wants the comfort of a catamaran. I don't have a problem with that.

Taiwan is not far from Thailand so you could make the journey to give your future wife an idea of what this means to you. It worked for me and I highly recommend letting her experience sailing for herself. The outcome may just surprise you.

[rover88]

Originally Posted by jm21

She had her tourist visa to the US denied because she had an American boyfriend and we decided to get engaged so she could actually come here.

Originally Posted by boatman61

Yeah... what is it with this Racist US Policy..... back in the '80's my sister was dating an American guy who had been 'loaned' to her company as an adviser... soon as his bosses heard about it he was transfered and she came within a hairs breath of losing her job... just for liking each other...
Got me very Anti America for quite a few years... how dare they insult my family in this way...

Racist????? C'mon Boatman61. Check that cool hat of yours - I think it may be a few sizes too small.

[Tom and Maje]

Originally Posted by Dockhead

Your problem is not just the question of whether or not she will want to participate in your sport. It is worse than that -- it is whether you will be able to have a common policy, which satisfies both of you, on how to spend money. Frugality is a great quality -- much better than its opposite -- but will you find yourself in a situation where you can't spend $50 on anything not entirely serious without horrifying your wife and getting yourself into trouble? I seem to remember that the most common fatal problem between husband and wife is disagreements about how to spend money -- by "fatal" I mean leading to divorce.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. I strongly advise that you discuss how you will handle money as a married couple before you marry. It is much too easy to ignore problems such as this before the marriage in the hope that they will just work themselves out. The differences in the way one handles money is a major cause in divorces. I also advise some before marriage counseling. You are not only dealing with different personalities and priorities but also with different cultures.

Maje

[Tom and Maje]

Originally Posted by jm21

I am actually a divorce attorney so I think about things a bit differently. My boat, car, and house are outside the divorce process and there's not much else to my name besides a fairly large savings account.

Me too and shame on you if you are not going to another attorney to discuss a pre-nup. Remember the old legal maxim: One who represents ones self has a fool for a client.

Maje

[category4jay]

If you really like sailing as much as you say you do it would serve you both well to have her like sailing BEFORE you marry her. Trust me I know. Check out my previous thread:

http://www.cruisersforum.com/forums/...ife-38641.html

Good Luck.

[dohenyboy]

When it comes to cross cultural/international marriages, there has to be a spirit of give and take. there are too many other potential areas of conflict that can and will come up.
Some people are more willing to compromise than others. Those who cannot be flexible and see the other's point of view tend to be perennial problems. .

[jm21]

Originally Posted by category4jay

If you really like sailing as much as you say you do it would serve you both well to have her like sailing BEFORE you marry her. Trust me I know. Check out my previous thread:

http://www.cruisersforum.com/forums/...ife-38641.html

Good Luck.

Wow, interesting thread that gave a much different perspective.

So many guys cruising while their waves stay at home, and they say they're happy. Made me think a bit.

One of her original propositions was that if I spend $X on moorage/maintenance for a boat, she should be able to spend a similar amount of money on her dreams/hobbies, of which she really only has one, traveling. So I'd go out for a couple weeks, probably by myself, sailing each summer. In the winter she'd bounce around to some foreign countries for a month or so. I really disliked the idea because it means we would rarely go on vacation together and would spend 2-3 months of the year apart. That seemed like it would be very bad for a marriage, but maybe, especially after some years of being married, it would be a welcome relief in some ways. She is more than comfortable with the idea because her parents went on vacations by themselves. My family always went together on vacations though, often with extended family as well, so a lot harder for me to come to terms with.

[aegean adrift]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_P45feBkrg

[jm21]

Reading some of the old posts I think I should clear two things up. She would have rather waited for 2 years or so long distance and I am the one who thought it would be a better idea to get married. Also, I think what spurred this on was that I complained to her about having a bad month (low income) in December. I think she thought if I'm having financial difficulties than I should definitely not be spending money on luxuries like moorage.

[Bergovoy]

marriage or serious relationships are all about comprimise... and when things start going down hill the compromises tend to involve the more important of issues... (the hot buttons)... whether it is on a boat, or on land...or whether it involves cars, boats, pets, children..

I have given up on compromise.. i have to compromise with some people or entities and that cant change but I can choose who or if i have to compromise with friends or lovers... and for the most part, it maybe like throwing out the baby with the bath water, but it really is nice not having 'discussions' about some of the silliest crap that I used to argue about when i was married, (14ish years ago)



I guess my suggestion is, assuming you want suggestions from a loser lover, is to break it off... stay friends, forever... why get married... stay friends, and forget about a lot of the 'expectations' that you would have as a married couple, and learn to like or love things about each other... and maybe not like so much...

[Seahunter]

Marriage isn't about changing who you are; after all isn't she marrying you for who you really are? Being frugal isn't a sin, yet demanding your partner and lover to change his\her lifestyle is close. Keep the boat; the rest is up to you.

[sailorboy1]

When it comes down to it doesn't asking this whole thread question just say what the status/level of ones realtionship is? Whether ones choses for or aganist a boat verse a relationship just gives the answer.

There is a choice to be made, if it can not be done in a win-win way the "relatinship" doesn't really exist.

[chadlaroche]

Originally Posted by jm21

I think what spurred this on was that I complained to her about having a bad month (low income) in December.

oh brother ! i think you nailed the issue right there. Thats what killed my marriage faster then anything else. In a perfect world you should be able to share your biz with your spouse but unfortunately thats few and far between.
Keep it away from home and leave it at the office.