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Old 07-01-2011, 06:28   #61
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Originally Posted by dohenyboy View Post
I went through a very messy divorce and I have seen everything as far as other divorces go.......If someone with children gets divorced and had children, you have absolutely no business getting remarried until the youngest child is at least mid teens and preferably 18. Anyone who does otherwise is just plain selfish. It is so stressful for kids to have step parents. .

I had a stepmother from the age of 9. Having lived with my grandparents from age 5 - 9 due to finance problems, the chance to live with both dad and new step-mum was welcomed with open arms.

Ok my circumstances are slightly different as it was not due to divorce, but death, however, I am firmly of the belief that having a good step parent is far better than not having one. But the operative word here is "good" - some try to take over as the other parent straight away (wrong), the step parent who offers to assist in any way, and be more an associate and perhaps friend in the long run, is more likely to be addressed with respect as mum (or dad).

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Old 07-01-2011, 07:36   #62
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Just like my wife I appreciate all the input. There are a few things that have been suggested that we hadn't thought of and I want to thank those that provided that input.
I want to add some things we've discussed as clarification. I feel this for the most part has been a healthy discussion and we are very thankful for the differing points of view. (Which is exactly why the question was posted in the first place.)
The dad lives over 2 hours from where we live so when rn's son is with the dad there's no communication with him. His dad makes every effort to cut her off completely from him and that includes taking his cell phone from him and monitoring any communication that she has with him.
We are NOT trying to cut this boy off from his dad. One of the things we've discussed is trying to re-arrange the visitation so that the boy spends more and extended times with his dad. The problem we're facing is the dad's insistance that our boat is going to sink and he'll be eaten by sharks. (Laugh all you want, the guy actually preaches this to the kid and at the same time makes fun of him when he won't jump a racing 4 wheeler over long distances.) So the dad isn't even open to letting the boy go with us AT ALL even if it does mean that the dad gets to spend more time with his son.
Now I know this doesn't seem like consistant thinking on the dad's part but let me tell you about something else that is just mind blowing.
The dad filed for additional visitations, along with some other stuff, last July. As most of you know you can make all kinds of ludicrous claims on a petition. We worked very hard to try and come up with reasonable solutions so that no one would have to go through the expense of a court hearing. RN even agreed to increased visitations. She truly wants her son to have a relationship with his dad. Gues what? Since that time the guy has at the last moment cancelled almost 2 months worth of visits in just the last 6 months and that includes this coming weekend. He wouldn't even schedule his vacation so that his son could go with him. Instead he just cancelled all the visitations during that time. Crazy huh?
The list of rediculousness goes on and on but I'm not going to run down the whole thing here. Suffice it to say that my opinion is everything this guy does is more aimed at harassing us and making things difficult than it is to show an interest in his son. Even though he knows his son is crazy about sports and participates in baseball, football and basketball in 4 years he's only made 4 games that his son played in and he bitched the whole time about that. Now what kind of person does that?
In the end the proof, as they say, is in the pudding. My wife is making every attempt to draw from as many resources as possible in order to find solutions that might work for us. Remember, this is not the only child in our house and the others are very much negatively affected by how this guy acts towards his own son as well as the other people in our home. (Review the story of how the little one was sick and he didn't care that driving to meet him to deliver his son created a life threatening situation for a months old little girl.)
As for me... I have never in my entire life seen such selfishness from an adult man. While it may be an unpopular opinion I believe that as men and fathers we have to hold ourselves accountable to a very high standard in order to set an example for our kids. If we don't then how are they going to grow up to be the kind of adults that we would like to see them become?
In closing, please understand, we are not seeking any type of moral justification for anything. We're merely asking for ideas on how we might handle this situation. I've seen my wife almost in tears over how ugly this guy acts towards not just her but his own son as well and I've NEVER heard her say even one derogatory thing about the boys father. NEVER.... she is an outstanding woman and I'm very proud to be able to call such a decent human being my wife. Please Please show her the respect she deserves and has earned for making every effort to do the right thing for her son and for being a mother to two older boys that were part of the baggage that came with me. Remember, they're two step sons that we're raising because they needed help and neither one of us were willing to turn them down when through no fault of their own they were forced into a very bad situation.
(Dang, I wish this winter would get over, I'm needing some sailing time pretty bad.)

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Old 07-01-2011, 07:42   #63
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Sailingrn -- any chance that you could use diplomacy before war, so to speak? Could you spend time educating the dad and his family about the safety of cruising, the realities of it all, the sheer joy and learning possibilities to be had? Seems like they're operating from ignorance, which is not all that uncommon when it comes to most people concerning cruising. When we were planning a trip the Bahamas, we had good friends --accomplished, well-educated people -- say they thought we would all drown. Now that's a real risk, and so is shark attack danger; but to put numbers to it, they're in the realm of, oh maybe 1 in 1,000,000, so long as you take basic precautions. The odds of being in a car crash are higher.

I think what you're hoping to do is a fine thing, and all possible effort should be expended to make it real. So dealing cordially with semi-hostile relatives might be the price to pay. That and/or a hefty bribe to the dad. . . .
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Old 07-01-2011, 08:16   #64
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Originally Posted by Minggat View Post
OK, You got me with the guns line.

hummm. I think my case clouded my point. So I'll be direct. Don't judge.

I agree. OP seemed to be looking for allies. I hope that I do not depict myself as either in favor or otherwise.

what size gun?

This is not an attack on you at all Minggat. Just a peeve of mine.
But I've had it with the "Don't judge" mentality. The lack of judgement all the way back to when the OP first met the ex is evident. This is a very common issue in divorced parents. People don't turn into instant AH the day they get divorced. Dollars to donuts the OP was told by friends and family long before she said "I do" and had babies with her ex that this was a bad accident waiting to happen. But who were they to judge? We all judge, from the littlest of things to the life altering experiances. I've told my own offspring that reality is that people will judge you. Get those 32 ear, lip, eye brow piercings and full body tats. Then run around and complain about others judging you. The "Don't judge" line is thrown about mostly in attempt to squash opinions that one prefers not to hear. If one doesn't want judgments on their actions, words or posts they should preface it with "Looking for a choir to preach to" I'm sure the OP and her new hubby are fine people. I don't really know unless I met them. If I did and they are fine people I'd judge them so. But then we haven't, as others have posted, heard from the ex and his side. If I ever met him and he turns out to be the AH as described I'd have no problem judging him so. In my judgement, those who say they don't judge, lie.

Now can we ge back to the safer subjects like guns and anchors?
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Old 07-01-2011, 09:03   #65
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Got to remember that kids will tell parents what they want to hear (or at least what they think the parent wants to hear - and they can be surprisingly perceptive on that ).

ex-wife obviously not so keen on ex-hubby anymore (divorce, re-marriage and a kid with someone else always a clue ), and who can say that she has or hasn't got a point.........

.....but, in my book although ex-hubby likely won't be having a Disney film made about him he is still his son's father. and always will be. The fact that son may get to learn that his father ain't the world's most reliable / switched on / add own whatever fella doesn't automatically make him a bad father. Not being great as a Dad not the same as being bad. Indeed, could argue that brings a useful learning curve for son.

Besides, shooting beer cans from a moving vehicle is kinda fun (practical physics) and you don't really wanna be taking calls from Mum - as yer have to put your own beer down .........I can see how that would translate into a simple "Dad didn't let me answer the phone"
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Old 07-01-2011, 09:35   #66
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Originally Posted by MarkJ View Post
This might sound trite... but I am so glad I never had kids.

Nor married.

Yep. To think that deciding of which type of fridge was best, which way to go on antifouling, and setting up an energy grid - were the big worries. Obviously small potatoes compared to what folks with kids have to fret with. I LOVE kids, and am always the one off lost playing with em whenever they are round - but I simply don't trust the realistic success rates of marriages in this day and age and wouldn't elect to chance subjecting a kid to all the crap like the op, her family, and her ex's family - are sadly dealing with. It's truly a tragic after school special being endured in real life with real people and real consequences.

So Mark, did you decide on a Bruce or a Rocna before setting sail? I hear the Bruce doesn't require homeschooling, but the Rocna requires an adjustment to a court order before setting.

Best of luck to the OP & her family in an obviously difficult situation. Best of luck to the 11 year old's dad as well.I don't know any of em, but can easily see it's a crappy scenario for all concerned. I feel for ya.
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Old 07-01-2011, 10:10   #67
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Sorry NCountry. I'm afraid there is no good solution to your problem. I've been in a simuler situation. My wife's EX sounds just like your wife's. There couldn't be two people like that in the world could there??? We wern't able to get anywhere until the child turned 18. Her Ex fought everything we did, and took us to court over every decision we made for good or ill. I dissagree with ALLYcat's appraisal. The reason the EVIL EX abuser is a cliche is because too often it is real. Our divorce/custody laws are designed to help two reasonable sane people who don't like each other reach an agreement, not to protect someone from an abusive EX. Too often these same laws and court systems are used BY the EX to continue the abuse, with the power of the state, and the constant threat of losing custody to enforce them.
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Old 07-01-2011, 10:27   #68

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it maybe a good idea to take the kid on a cruise for a weekend and sail out land sight and see how he reacts?

he maybe predisposed to boat sinking and sharks, for any variety of reasons, not just because dad 'poisoned' him with those ideas...

sailiing isnt for everyone... and prior to 'fighting' this battle, it might be worth it to find out if the son is keen on the idea not just the idea but the practice
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Old 07-01-2011, 18:32   #69
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As we can see ...lots of ramifications in divorce...lots of things get messed up.

One great thing happened to me (hopefully)..made me a much better parent..
The way I run the ship's office (I am primary custodial parent 8 years),
forget the courts and lawyers (real sharks) whatever it takes to make
your dealings with Ex, amicable yet non-intrusive or personal, even though your sharing a child's upbringing. Looks like you folks are doing some of this. This will take the damaging drama to a zero level. You don't control your child when he is with Ex and its none of your business as long as he's safe and with that you have to cross fingers sometimes too. The situation is the same on the reverse. Don't ever, ever bad mouth Ex (I know you don't). He is part of the child as you know. I only talk of good things regarding Ex to kids. If things work out well with all of the above, maybe just maybe, your Ex will see the light and not run interference.

Good Luck
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Old 07-01-2011, 22:28   #70
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Originally Posted by Bergovoy View Post
it maybe a good idea to take the kid on a cruise for a weekend and sail out land sight and see how he reacts?

he maybe predisposed to boat sinking and sharks, for any variety of reasons, not just because dad 'poisoned' him with those ideas...

sailiing isnt for everyone... and prior to 'fighting' this battle, it might be worth it to find out if the son is keen on the idea not just the idea but the practice
Wow. thats probably the best advice yet. Imagine going through all that hardship and then finding out that the kid realy hates it and would rather be on his quad bike or playing football.

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Old 08-01-2011, 09:14   #71

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Originally Posted by ozskipper View Post
Wow. thats probably the best advice yet. Imagine going through all that hardship and then finding out that the kid realy hates it and would rather be on his quad bike or playing football.

wow, seriously... i contributed something remarkable??? wwooo hooo
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Old 11-01-2011, 06:13   #72
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FYI, Here is an excellent article written by a PhD with several good references if it might be helpful, Noonsite: Family Cruising: A Positive Learning Environment . Chuck
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Old 16-01-2011, 20:23   #73

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reading the first thread makes me feel sad for you when you state the monotony of work,school,work,,having children is a responsibility and as they get older its important that they are given the opportunity to get an education otherwise as another commentor noted their daughter has become a party girl,,my girl went from being an A student to party-girl as well and seldom talks to me about subjects like what to take at college or work? who wants to work since grandpa gave me an inheritance{only large enough to maintain her party for a little while longer i suspect} then perhaps i can get her back in school and we can at least talk about it,,i was an absentee parent who sailed the caribean during the cold months and worked construction{at times more than a 1000 miles away from my girl},,most of my boating was done with my father and his 2nd wife and mates i would bring so i have some experiance coming from a broken{blended} family myself,,one of the stupid questions i was asked by a relative was which parent i loved more and i vowed to myself that i would not interfer in my daughters upbringing or her mothers search for a husband ,,perhaps my girl would still be in school if i had put my foot down as i am the only kid without a degree in my family and realize now that education is important,,soon my sister will retire with full pension early from teaching and i have only the 1000 or so the govt pays at 60 to look forward to,,home schooling does not really compare with the formal classroom credits needed in the formulative years before college,,sure i learned navigation while sailing with my dad and how to repair diesels,sails,outboards,and toilets etc, but would i want to charter boats for a living? i say knot,,same as being a big-game hunting guide in the mountains would take the fun out of hunting for me,,the lifeskills young people need to acqiure nowadays to get a good job with perhaps a great pension is formal degrees in medicine/law/engineering etc and this cannot be accomplished with homeschool,,my sister has had the frustration of bringing students up to date who were homeschooled,,my advice is to simply enrol the son in a formal school with boarding at a relative or paid if it becomes necessary and bring your own dreams of sailing to reality,,we would crib the boat at different marinas during working months,,as you allready have the boat your there,,as for the sharks comment i was once circled by a large shark swimming to shore from anchor,,movie like OPEN WATER sure breed the fear as you really got a greater chance of a cuda biting as flashy jewelry in murky water,,off went the rings,necklace after meeting that bite victim,,the stuff they dont put in the brochure at club med,, people say living well is the best revenge so perhaps your ex is jealous of your lifestyle and hence the stupid remarks,,even when i was 10 yrs old i knew sharks were no threat to me and the movie JAWS didnt keep me out from surfing/scuba or swimming,,even kids know bs and are aware of which relatives are the idiots more than you realize,,always telling the truth is for amatuers who ask what do you think of Auntie Hilda? would you like me to tell you the truth and say she is ignorant for comparing my dad to a devil or simply say i love her cooking,,also a lie,,if it is really a sin to lie than it is also a sin to lead another to jealousy? envy? adultry? or is alot of what is written is just one mans opinion long ago,,it was also written covet earnestly the finest gifts and i will show unto you a more excellent the more excellent way islam or belief in reincarnation as eastern mysticism? teaching kids to always tell the truth is noble of you but if you have an undeclared firearm onboard for protection what you want the kid to say if a badge asked him" anything to declare like meat,plants firearms?",,loose lips can sink more than ships,,always telling the truth can land your self in prison real fast,,remember you have the right to remain silent at least intill we get the story straight and thats my story and im sticking to it,,cheers,,god helps those who help themselves..
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Old 19-01-2011, 13:04   #74
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I'm sorry you've had such negative experiences with home schooling. However, statistically home schooled children score higher on test and are even more successful in college. There are plenty of resources to draw upon to find this information. Our own experiences with kids that were home schooled support the statistical evidence as well. A public school education in the U.S. these days is almost a joke in my experience.
Don't beat your self up over the daughter. I've seen some kids from some great families go into "Party Mode" when they left home. I've also seen siblings that went exactly opposite ways, one going to medical school while the other went to prison. All our parents can do is they best they can do. In the end, once your kids are out of your sphere of influence, they have to make their own choices. Some of them will make stupid decisions just as some will make good ones. As parents we're certainly disappointed when they make bad decisions but as long as we've done the best we can while they were at home then we've done all we can do...
I'm sure my mom still cringes when she thinks about the day I announced I was leaving college to go on the road with a band. But hey, I turned out just fine in the end and am even a mostly responsible adult. I just have a really bad sailing habit......
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Old 25-01-2011, 17:32   #75
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Originally Posted by NCountry View Post
...However, statistically home schooled children score higher on test and are even more successful in college...
There are lies, damn lies and statistics.

Just name a few prominent persons that have been home-schooled and I might consider that your statistics (unseen yet) are correct.


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