Caribbean Bound In June, But Wife With Cold Feet

[michaelratinter]

We purchased a 45 foot ketch so my wife would have more space but she is frightened of the seas we get on the US Pacific coast. So we have agreed that I will make the passages and she will fly to join me when I reach a destination. That is one option, perhaps?

[Cheechako]

One day at a time....Still thinking you should ask the wife if you guys can plan a trip to the Bahamas for a month or two. Seems she ought to be willing to do that at least.
Who knows what will change after that.

[michaelratinter]

P.S. My wife and I have been married for 50 years. Kids are grown but still need us from time to time.

[JPA Cate]

Originally Posted by akprb

Friend, there is much more going on than a trip. You know that.

As I read I noticed a few small "tells". I talk "to" my wife, an experience that "my" kids can't get.....

The "immorality" of a big house? That's a huge statement, perhaps she's agreeable for other reasons? She seems to be saying her concerns pretty clearly and I'm sure you have addressed each objection logically and elaborately.

Not taking any sides and I know there are two sides to every story.

You said something else, "communication is not our strong suit".

You'll be living in a confined space with two children who will be watching every move. Communication is the one thing you need over every other gadget for a success marriage or cruise.

Self knowledge first and a close examination of yourself with the guidance of a good counselor. At this point it's not about her, it's about you. What you decide will affect your children for a long time.

Respectfully and I've been there as well.

zstine, do listen to what akprb, hamburking, and most of the other guys are telling you. It is a good thing for your kids for you to stay with them.

One temporary solution might be for you to sail the boat to where you want-- if you can find someone to crew for you --I really do wonder about your timing, as I said in my first post on this thread, but people get to make their own decisions.

So, maybe your wife will bring the kids to meet you there, on your own boat, and then give it a go? for maybe 4 weeks. She, if she buys changeable tickets, could bail at any time, and if she'd let the kids stay, you'd get a chance to see what it's like to be a single parent with kids. You'd learn a lot about yourself.

If she is just worried that it may be difficult for her, if she's willing to give it a try, with an escape route accepted in advance for both of you, maybe she will like it. You will have unsettled, extremely HOT weather to deal with, make sure she understands what she could be getting into. She will never trust you if you are not completely open with her. And lack of trust can destroy relationships.

Ann

[zeehag]

Originally Posted by michaelratinter

P.S. My wife and I have been married for 50 years. Kids are grown but still need us from time to time.

trust me..kids ALWAYS need.

yup got one. and a live and fairly well momma. dad died when i was in barra, so did my brother who was my bestest friend.
**** happens. that is why we get kicked off united flights--helpful hint--alaska air is good. comfy and nice to ye. try em. jet blue not bad. many alternatives to united.
skype works as do other face to face communications.
my momma is all good with my being in tropics. she knows why i did this and why i donot go visit much.
oh yes and telephones work!!!!! funny how that works.

[michaelratinter]

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time...rricane_season

[Gadagirl]

Think about this.....he and his wife have very good points

Originally Posted by akprb

Friend, there is much more going on than a trip. You know that.

As I read I noticed a few small "tells". I talk "to" my wife, an experience that "my" kids can't get.....

The "immorality" of a big house? That's a huge statement, perhaps she's agreeable for other reasons? She seems to be saying her concerns pretty clearly and I'm sure you have addressed each objection logically and elaborately.

Not taking any sides and I know there are two sides to every story.

You said something else, "communication is not our strong suit".

Perhaps more telling, no remorse for losing your wife as well?

Originally Posted by zstine

And now I have to choose between my dreams and my kids. horrible... sorry, no real question. I'm just confused now.

Maybe she feels as though she is third place in your life, behind the dream, behind the children, then there she stands 3rd fiddle to all. Please listen to her. Please do not abandon the children no matter what the outcome. You can stomp and scream as loud as you want as to how unfair the situation is but face facts. Your dream has been altered. But with having a boat, being retired, you stand to live a most enjoyable life either way. make some lemonade

Oh and growing up in NJ is awesome! We had beaches, sailing, river rafting, mountain climbing, canoeing, skiing, crabbing, deep sea fishing, the pine barrens, 4 major US cities within a 3 hour drive! My parents taught us diversity by visiting all that was on offer, as well as vacations to other countries. Excellent public schools. If you compromise I promise it won't be as gloomy as you think it will be.

[goat]

Originally Posted by Madwand

Marriage is the leading cause of divorce...

Marriages always end in death or divorce.

[lonesoldier0408]

Ok, I've failed at this as well.. A lot of concern, all around.

The hot button for me, the passports. That sceams, "I've gone from concerned, to legal standing."
Translation, "I'm out the door, how long can I keep him from realising it?"

Try to work it out, for the kids and she'll still feel like the incubator and burn you down. Or not.

Do what you can, in the end, there's money in pain. Be it doctors, or lawyers. From experience, it doesn't get any better after the first contact, with a lawyer.

"We'll be friends, to make it easier on the kids." Then there's always therapy, for everyone.

Work it out, or you maybe just out and working. Then again, I say she has a plan, you're just not a part of it.
Sometimes, we're to close to see it, whatever it might be.

Either way, I empathize.

[CarlF]

This is about the kids!

I've know several families who have gone cruising. They had a few things in common.

1. Both parents were more passionate about the kids experience than their own. The planning of destinations and timing was chosen for the kids not the parents.

2. A great deal of thought had gone into schooling. In most cases, one of the parents had been a teacher. Boat school was serious stuff.

3. The length of the trip was fixed. It was 18 months or two years and then the whole family would come home. Same school, friends, and house (since it was rented while they were away)

4. All the kids were suited to boat life. Some kids just aren't. I had two boys. One would have loved it. The other would have been miserable. I would never have forced such a trip on him. Instead, my wife and I waited until they were both off to college.

If your wife thought this trip was the best thing for the kids, you wouldn't be having this problem.

[darylat8750]

You have already had the boat for several years so if you haven't eased her into it and helped her be as comfortable as possible on the boat IMHO it's too late.

If a man choses to be a father in my not so humble opinion the most important job he does in this world is to be a good Father. If there is a difference of opinion between mother and father as to what is best for the children I think some professional counseling may be useful even though I mistrust anyone who has hung around the phycology dept. long enough to get a degree.

I work very hard to make my wife (wife number one, 47 years) as comfortable as possible on the boat. Even though she doesn't swim she has traveled a lot of the western Caribbean, crossed the GOM from Isla Mujeres and done the Great Loop. If I told her that we were going to the Caribbean in the summer she would say let me know when you get back. Man it is HOT then.

[zstine]

OP here.. Wow, a lot of posts!..and a long reply.. But first, I’ve asked and LISTENED a bit.. here’s the a few things that she said “I’m afraid my parents will disown me if I leave them” and “I’m really afraid of ripping the kids away from their friends, and pulling them out of school and homeschooling. I’m not even interested in schooling my kids.” (I am btw) After accidentally pointing out that she never read the homeschooling book (I did) we got and that she really should learn more to form an educated opinion about the kids mental and educational heath, She got her mad, yelled at me and went off to bed. oops… well, I tried and will again..
So, I’ve read through the post and there’s certainly some good advice, some which I’m actively taking and some that’s off base.… We’ve chartered several times in the Caribbean already. @shrew This ‘dream’ predates kids, even marriage. Our honeymoon was a 2 week charter in the BVI… We ‘compromised’ many months ago about her not going on the long passage south. The plan has been for her and the kids to fly and meet me in USVI or Grenada (should be a good number of kids boats there). Thanks for that advice, done n done.

I agree on counseling. when she first started showing concerns with the cruise in the fall, we made an apt for counseling. It took her 2 months to find an apt time that fit her schedule. Shortly before it, she cancelled because ‘something came up at work’. Yesterday I made an apt for counseling on May 1st with her concurrence… we’ll see..
Heading North does not represent any less commitment to me as it still means renting or selling the house and moving onto the boat.. same logistics. But maybe being closer to her parents will make her happy.. I’ll ask her and am open to it, though I think the Caribbean would be more enjoyable than Maine for our kids to swim in warmer water, play on sandy beaches, etc.. I’m willing… a shorter 3 month or so cruise could be a compromise, but I would want to repeat that and go cruising again for several more months the following year(s). logistically this is very much harder as we would have to quit and find new jobs each year… and way more expensive since renting the house short term is not really feasible, so add $4k/mo for carrying cost.. Triples cruising cost from $2k/mo to $6k…ugh

The relationship.. this is not the first time she’s pulled this type of behavior on me. Can I accept it? Can I forgive her if this plan falls apart? I don’t know. Many of you suggest to stay home and fix the marriage. Why would staying in the same place make anything better? I have seen our marriage in this 60 hour work week, 6 figure career, big house, consume more stuff, B.S. life as being part of the problem driving stress in between us. Let me be clear, I am not abandoning my kids! but I'm not 100% sure staying married is the best for my kids right now. You have to be of healthy mind yourself to raise healthy little humans. Not sure I can stay here with wife and have a healthy mind and spirit.

Originally Posted by skipmac

. . . weeks and weeks in close proximity with little or no interaction with other adults could be a problem. . . . .

Most probably a very big issue is fear of the unknown. While the trip was in the planning stages and departure years away it was some nebulous, maybe happen one day, daydream. Then an actual, fixed departure date looms and all of a sudden the wife is saying Holy S**t!. This is real!!!! I'm getting ready to go off for a year in a little boat without my friends, support system, family, no safety valve to go to when I need to blow off steam, spending all day, every day with hubby (where there may be communication or very possibly other issues to confront) etc, etc, etc. This fear very likely includes a fear of facing herself as well as the trip and relationship. . .
.

Weeks and weeks without seeing other adults!? I don’t want that either! I think there’s plenty of kid boats and towns to explore full of adults and kids. As for skipmac’s second statement quoted, bingo, I agree completely. My wife has always had a hard time following through with a plan, as I said, this is not the first time the Holy S**t happened in her head. But she’s an adult with a family and she needs to learn that when she makes a commitment to everyone in her life who are making changes/sacrifices, working to follow the plan, It is not ok for her to just walk away and leave the others in the family in shambles and then take no responsibility. So you say I should stay.. Let it slide, again… Is allowing that behavior a good example for my kids? Or is it better to show them that dreams are hard to achieve and if you want to do something really bad, sometimes you have to go through really bad times to get there? They can spend time with me, without the wife... right?

Originally Posted by rwidman

I don't understand how it got this far before she said she wasn't going. Obviously, a lot of money was wasted, not to mention of course, your dream.

So now you have to find a new job and buy a new mooring and car? If she wasn't going, why did she let it go this far?

YEAH!! WTF!!
An Aside to the hurricane haters, since I know this is not her issue…
Keep in mind that there are 2+ rallies leaving this area in June heading south… The historic records of named storms formed in the Atlantic Basin show that just 9 in recorded history have happened before July 1st… about 1 per decade… better odds than I thought. Maybe I should go in July! j/k https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_o...ricane_records
The hurricane thing may be an issue for my safety getting south (I never said I was going to the Bahamas, nor making the passage with kids & wife) and the heat of the summer may suck, but we/she is ignorant of that, so that has no bearing on her decision to back out. BTW, we’ve been there in May, temps are only 3 degrees higher in August. Why is August so much worse than May then?
[QUOTE=michaelratinter;2374349]https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timeline_of_the_2016_Atlantic_hurricane_season[/QUOTE] this shows no hurricanes in June.. tropical storms yes, but just because they happen in June, doesn’t mean I’ll sail in the middle of it.. Also, I’ve sailed upwind, offshore, overnight, in 45mph winds, 15ft seas. It’s not something I would go looking to do, but I’m well prepared for it if the weather man really messes up and I sail right into one of these storms.

[Kenomac]

Yikes.... You have some serious issues to work out.

Good luck.

[Larry Florida]

Originally Posted by zstine

The relationship.. this is not the first time she’s pulled this type of behavior on me. Can I accept it? Can I forgive her if this plan falls apart? I don’t know. Many of you suggest to stay home and fix the marriage. Why would staying in the same place make anything better? I have seen our marriage in this 60 hour work week, 6 figure career, big house, consume more stuff, B.S. life as being part of the problem driving stress in between us. Let me be clear, I am not abandoning my kids! but I'm not 100% sure staying married is the best for my kids right now. You have to be of healthy mind yourself to raise healthy little humans. Not sure I can stay here with wife and have a healthy mind and spirit.

Seems you have a good handle on the main issue. Will moving on to boat to work? Who knows. Give it a go - together or alone. They can visit you. Call it a compromise.

Let her stay home and pay for the house. Beats spending your life watching your future Xwife's parents.

[sailorcherry]

Bring the Tartan down to the Bahamas. Fly them out to cruise for two months. She will probably get hooked. She owes you that, imho, since she has been going along with all the cruising plans.

I hope you take to heart some of the observations from people of how you talk about her and judge her ("immorality" statement). Sometimes when we are mad, very mad about something/someone we forget to look at ourselves and truly grasp our responsibility in the matter.

I have been on a T41, it's two feet shorter and a foot narrower in beam than Hooked. It didn't feel nearly as spacious. So with three others I could see myself feeling cramped.
Do you have marina stays in your budget? If not that could definitely be a reason for her to be worried about it being tiny.

Also, what is the most time you all have stayed aboard?

Having been a member of a few YCs I can tell you the saddest and a rather common thing I have seen are stories like this (or could be if you chose to). Where he divorces her (or her him) because she refused to go cruising and leave the family. Some of them were, or said they were, happy to have their boat instead, most seemed unhappy and possibly living with regret (and often anger which pairs nicely with a alcohol problem). Oh and I met a few families, not just the ex wife, who seemed very strained in their relationship because dad chose the boat over them (kids) too.