Am I Deserting My Young Adults?

[Spleen]

What happens if you quit your job, sell your stuff and a) you find out that you can't stand your BF, especially on a boat or 2) like Rebel Heart, somehow accidentally lose everything including the boat and have to start over from scratch?

What is your plan B?

[Spleen]

Originally Posted by BandB

Wifey B: I 100% have to echo what Ann said. The "Boyfriend" part scared me the most. Today, you're in a position if things get bad to tell him to get lost. Take off on a boat with him, without source of income, you're totally dependent on him. In a way that boat can turn into a prison. The worst situations in the world are when one stays in a bad relationship because of finances.

I can't agree with "take this job and shove it" approach. I love the part about taking off sailing but you don't appear able to afford it on your own. And this will be "boyfriend's boat", you living in "boyfriend's home". I mean like you son isn't the only one who won't have a home to go back to. You won't.

Ann is right, three issues. Tackle them one at a time. Boyfriend. Do you consider yourselves like a married couple but just no paper? Or is it really just gf/bf? There's a reason it's still "boyfriend", not even "fiancee".

Then son. And a reason I think that's even more complicated is he can't come home to visit you on "your" boat either. It's your boyfriend's boat and home. He's homeless or may feel that way. And I'm sorry, but I don't agree with the once they're in college they're adults and on their own. 19 year olds are still kids. They're facing so many things new. Sometimes they're scared. Sure he can go on without you. But omg what I would have given to have a parent to turn to when I was 19. Not trying to give you guilt as you know your son better than we do. Just consider it all. Talk to him. Maybe delay one year as freshman year is tough. As to him being an adult. I was at 16, but doesn't mean it's right. To me when you're on your own, earning your own living, self sufficient, you are. But college isn't.

Your job and finances. I'm not so sure you're running to sailing or whether you're just running from a bad job. Much like boyfriend this just leaves me concerned. I mean I know lots of jobs suck. But maybe answer is another job. Maybe it's continue where you are but with a goal in mind. Maybe it's if I stay one more year I'll be better able to do this and not have to reverse course later. Health insurance is a pretty big thing to be concerned about. I don't know your health but you are 54 and you're 11 years from medicare.

Frankly, if you were convinced this move was the right thing, you would be here telling us about it, not asking. It's easy for us to say, cast away and go live your dream. But I can't say give up everything. No home. No job. Away from your kids. And go off with a boyfriend. Many boyfriends feel that girlfriends are disposable. Yours may not. But you're hitching your wagon to a post that worries me.

Now if you do this anyway, I'd suggest you make a deal that at least for a year you sail just the coast, centering it on SC and returning frequently. Maybe a month south and back, then a couple local. Then a month north and back. Find out how things go on a boat with bf. Find out how you feel about being just a little away from son. Find out how it feels having no job and income.

As a woman, I have the same concerns as Ann and wifey B.

[BandB]

Originally Posted by Ex-Calif

And for those down on the current generation, you need to meet more kids. They aren't all living at home at 30 - yes many are but indict the parents not the kids. I have 5 college grads in their 20's working for me - smart, educated, together, eager, confident, self sufficient.

Wifey B: Omg I'm so happy you said that. Yeah yeah yeah. There are some incredible young people. Frankly, not sure how some turn out so great. The challenges they face, the world they're coming into, all the pressure they're under in school. And the jaded adults with negativity. But I see them. And I watch them grow. Just watching one girl and her friends grow from 18 to 19 and the maturity. We have some retail stores and a good many college kids working and they're on the whole fantastic. High school kids still a bit immature but they're still kids, so I don't care. The change from high school to college age is dramatic. The problem isn't the young people. It's the mess we're giving them to clean up. Relook at our generation before condemning theirs.

We are involved with kids of all ages through an orphanage and just the awareness and thoughtfulness of even the teenagers is amazing sometimes. Now recognizing many of the kids in those situations have been through a lot, but they're like the coolest aware thinking caring and oh I love them so. I might have had some street smarts at their age but not some of the knowledge they have.

Ok, I freaking love kids and young people. Yeah they'll still screw up but I suspect most of us did a few times too.

[BandB]

Originally Posted by Spleen

What happens if you quit your job, sell your stuff and a) you find out that you can't stand your BF, especially on a boat or 2) like Rebel Heart, somehow accidentally lose everything including the boat and have to start over from scratch?

What is your plan B?

Wifey B: Ok, I love my hubby. Couldn't imagine life without him. But....one piece of advice I give all females of all ages. Never ever ever let yourself become financially dependent on a man and triple that for one you're not married to, no multiply it tenfold, don't just triple. Because there you have no rights to anything. There are more women who stay in bad relationships because they can't afford to leave and it is often awful. Right now you're independent. You quit your job, leave your family, relinquish your home and all that is gone. And he gets tired of you or you of him and you're homeless and jobless. And at your age, getting back in the workforce can be very difficult. People don't become Wal-Mart greeters because it was their dream career.

[JPA Cate]

Originally Posted by BandB

Wifey B: Ok, I love my hubby. Couldn't imagine life without him. But....one piece of advice I give all females of all ages. Never ever ever let yourself become financially dependent on a man and triple that for one you're not married to, no multiply it tenfold, don't just triple. Because there you have no rights to anything. There are more women who stay in bad relationships because they can't afford to leave and it is often awful. Right now you're independent. You quit your job, leave your family, relinquish your home and all that is gone. And he gets tired of you or you of him and you're homeless and jobless. And at your age, getting back in the workforce can be very difficult. People don't become Wal-Mart greeters because it was their dream career.

Tough talk, Wifey B, and I completely agree. I'll only add the the myth of the knight coming to rescue the damsel in distress can be very seductive, and reminding people it IS a myth is important.

Ann

[BandB]

Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate

Tough talk, Wifey B, and I completely agree. I'll only add the the myth of the knight coming to rescue the damsel in distress can be very seductive, and reminding people it IS a myth is important.

Ann

Wifey B: It's hard for me to express cynicism because our relationship is so great. But I've seen so many the other way. He might be perfect for her and treat her like a princess or a goddess. I hope so. I am such a romantic and so hope so. But sometimes so much going on in one's life it's hard to know. Yet, I don't want to convince her to pass up what might be truly her dream. I feel a little hypocritical saying do what I say and not what I did. My roomies thought I had lost it but I ignored them. And if we're wrong she'll know and ignore us. But had she been sure she would have told us, not asked us.

Also maybe why my older wiser (ok let's humor him there) hubby suggested she talk to a professional instead of a group on a boating forum.

[JPA Cate]

Someone asking a forum a question of that nature is a request for a reality check, at the very least. I think she's been given good advice, and little cynicism. Sometimes real life is harsh. I hope she makes good choices for herself.

Ann

[s/v Beth]

Want to hear some optomism? Here's the other side of the card. I was paying for myself, holding down 2 part time and one full time job and living by myself in a room and board situation at the ripe old age of 13. (the jobs were janitoral and dishwashing, two job areas they looked the other way in Utah.) I was living 700miles from my parents during the summer, then would go and find a job closer to home during the winter so people would not ask my parents were had he gone.
I found the love of my life by digging her car out of the snow, then going and digging a home out so the roofs would not collapse. She decided she wanted to date the guy that wouldn't stop working, even if no pay was involved. She thinks I rode up in a white horse and rescued her, I think she rescued me. She didn't see the speed addicts and people of the night that were my few friends. That was over 35 years ago. Some people would say that I had life rough. I am grateful I just had life. My parents had already a little boy and a girl. That they were too busy with them didn't bother me at all. I had opportunity, I had the ability to grow. And I got some lucky breaks, and some people who believed in me supported me through med school. And now I try and give back a little each day what I have been given.
So don't undersell your boy. I think he will do great. Let him understand that it is his life, and encourage him to go out and do it on his own.
As far as your BF, well my experience has taught me what has been said in the earlier posts. Love is absolutely blind.

[BandB]

Originally Posted by s/v Beth

Love is absolutely blind.

Wifey B: And lust is deaf and blind.

[David M]

Going cruising is not like you are moving to Mars. There are many ways to stay in touch and to help your children if needed.

[boatpoker]

Go ahead, abandon your 17 year old. Sleep well.

[ksanders]

This is for all those that think a high school graduate cannot function on their own.

And to set the record straight the OP never indicated she would leave her in high school 17 year old. She was questioning about waiting until the young man graduated from high school, and then putting her house up for sale.

We raised my son with a simple goal... of him being adult enough to start his own life out of high school.

We taughht him a work ethic at an early age by setting up a system where he could work in the house, and the yard, and get a good wage for the extras in life. Things like a new flyfishing outfit, and his first motorcycle, and even his first car.

Then my wife helped him land his first part time job at 16. He used that money to pay for his insurance, and gas, and dates with his girl friend.

We taught him the value of a formal education by being involved with his school work. By helping him choose classes in junior and high school so that he would be prepared for whatever education and career choices he made.

We prepared him for the realities of college education. We discussed the costs, and helped him to consider what he wanted to do college wise. We promised him that although we would not outright fund HIS career education, we would make sure he had the funds too attend any college he wanted to go to AFTER he got scholarships, loans, etc... We promised to cover those extra costs, but he had to have a financial commitment as well.

We trained our son to look forward to adult hood, and we with all the love a parent can provide, told him, over a period of years, so it would not come as a shock that after high school graduation he had three choices. He could go to College, and live in the dormatory. He could join he US miliary, or he could get an apartment.

We told him he was welcome home any time to visit. We told him we would not let him starve, but we trained him that adulthood starts at high school graduation.

Well, now our son is 30.

He left home and spent a year in college in a Nuclear Engineering program, before deciding that he was tired of schoool and wanted something different.

To help fund his college he joind the US Coast Guard reserves. He spent a weekend a month, and a couple of weeks in the summer serving his country, and in turn they covered 100% of his college tuiton.

Upon leaving college he converted his Reserve contract into a full time Active Duty contract with the US Coast Guard. He worked on a surf boat in Oregon and actually saved a boaters life. (He was sure happy that day).

Then he went to IT school and learned electronics and telecommunications, and finished serving his Active Duty commitment.

After the Coast Guard he got a job at AT&T and is now the lead technician at a major telecommunications station for them. He Used some of his GI college money to attend a Cisco school and earned some Cisco networking certifications, and is working on his next certification right now.

He makes alomost a hundred grand a year, and in any measure of the word is a successful, productive member of society. Along the way he married a gal that is about to make Cheif Petty Officer in the US Coast Guard, and they plan on her finishing out her 20 years so they can get the retirement benefits. They have a great daughter themselves.

I would argue, and I can show it works... that young people can be ready to START adulthood at High School Graduation, but its not all of their own doing.

It takes parents that are active in their lives. It takes parents that actually have a goal of adulthood and make childhood a training ground for adulthood, instead their kids just floating through it.

Much like the animals in the wild teaching their offspring to survive, I beleive that we as parents have a job to do, and if we FAIL to do it, then our offspring will not be capable of survival on their own at adulthood.

[BandB]

Originally Posted by ksanders

This is for all those that think a high school graduate cannot function on their own.

Wifey B: No one argued that they cannot. I argued that I would not leave them to do so. And on that, you and I do disagree. Freshman year of college or first year full time in the working world if one chooses not to go to college are very difficult times. I think Parental support is good to have during that time. And recognize the sons did both lose their father only two years ago. I don't know the kids, but I can well picture the son having thoughts such as "First I lost my dad and now losing my mom."

But my real argument with the OP isn't just the son issue. It's giving up your home, your job when you can't afford to retire yet, and your ability to spend time with your son(s) to run off with some dude on a sailboat is pretty major. It sounds more to me like running from than running to. Maybe I'm wrong but by the fact she came here asking, I doubt that I am. But suddenly she will be homeless, jobless, and sonless (at least away from family as she's been use to). And don't call the sailboat her home. No, it's the dudes home and she's just a guest. I'm guessing he's not going to put it half in her name.

[Spleen]

As we grew up, we saw in our own friends that some did not do well after structured lifestyles transitioned to less structure: AFTER high school, AFTER military stint, etc...

It's not necessarily a parental problem if that happens; sometimes it is emerging mental illness for example.

But, again, to me the biggest issue is a woman liquidating her (hopefully appreciating) asset of home equity and then leaving herself at around age 60 with no income, no assets and no retirement. She could easily have 30 years left to live and that is a scenario that requires much planning and preparedness.

[ksanders]

Originally Posted by BandB

Wifey B: No one argued that they cannot. I argued that I would not leave them to do so. And on that, you and I do disagree. Freshman year of college or first year full time in the working world if one chooses not to go to college are very difficult times. I think Parental support is good to have during that time. And recognize the sons did both lose their father only two years ago. I don't know the kids, but I can well picture the son having thoughts such as "First I lost my dad and now losing my mom."

But my real argument with the OP isn't just the son issue. It's giving up your home, your job when you can't afford to retire yet, and your ability to spend time with your son(s) to run off with some dude on a sailboat is pretty major. It sounds more to me like running from than running to. Maybe I'm wrong but by the fact she came here asking, I doubt that I am. But suddenly she will be homeless, jobless, and sonless (at least away from family as she's been use to). And don't call the sailboat her home. No, it's the dudes home and she's just a guest. I'm guessing he's not going to put it half in her name.

You need to remember that the OP didn't indicate that she would abandon her kids entirely. She asked a specific question, and that was wether she would be doing wrong by her kids by selling their childhood home and going cruising.

As to the other issues that you and others mentioned, I chose intentionally not to address the time of life, boyfriend, and other matters because the OP did not ask our advice on these subjects, therefore I assumed she did not need it.