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Old 26-06-2017, 14:28   #1
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After a year of yard work, wife wants to go to an office.

We have been living on our boat with our two year old baby while we keep part time jobs and work remotely. We decided to do this to be closer as a family while we raised our boy (and maybe another baby), be in better weather (came from Connecticut, in Mediterranean now), minimize our footprint on the planet, travel with our house (like a turtle), and save some money to one day settle into something bigger or something on land. The past year was tough as the boy went from 1 to 2 and we worked on the boat to get it into cruising shape. Now, the wife is saying she wants to have structure in her life and wants to work in an office?!

I feel like this is finally the time to enjoy the cruising life (boat is ready, boy is much easier) and we have enough money already saved up to this for for 10+ years if we wanted to.

I am open to any tips, pointers from anyone who has been in a similar situation. I love cruising but not more than I love my family.
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Old 26-06-2017, 14:41   #2
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Re: After a year of yard work, wife wants to go to an office.

Take a mini vacation before you decide on anything. By your own words you've had a busy year. Do 5 days at a resort, recharge your batteries, and make sure its not just burn out guiding you.
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Old 26-06-2017, 15:16   #3
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Re: After a year of yard work, wife wants to go to an office.

Perhaps she's looking for some stability or maybe she's getting cold feet (although you've moved from CT to the Med so her feet can't be that cold )? What is she telling you?

You're asking for tips and pointers, but tips and pointers for what? To convince your wife that now is the time to go? I'm not touching that one with a ten foot pole. Sounds like the two of you need to have some serious discussions.
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Old 26-06-2017, 16:26   #4
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Re: After a year of yard work, wife wants to go to an office.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hd002e View Post
We have been living on our boat with our two year old baby while we keep part time jobs and work remotely. We decided to do this to be closer as a family while we raised our boy (and maybe another baby), be in better weather (came from Connecticut, in Mediterranean now), minimize our footprint on the planet, travel with our house (like a turtle), and save some money to one day settle into something bigger or something on land. The past year was tough as the boy went from 1 to 2 and we worked on the boat to get it into cruising shape. Now, the wife is saying she wants to have structure in her life and wants to work in an office?!

I feel like this is finally the time to enjoy the cruising life (boat is ready, boy is much easier) and we have enough money already saved up to this for for 10+ years if we wanted to.

I am open to any tips, pointers from anyone who has been in a similar situation. I love cruising but not more than I love my family.
I love cruising but most people in the world like a regular job, and a home on land. There is nothing at all shocking about that. Trying to take care of a baby on a small boat has to be challenging. You'll have to discuss with her all the reasons. There are a lot of things cruising offers but a lot of things in life it can't match either.

Remote workers often find themselves wanting to return to the office. They miss their workmates. They miss the structure. The trend is strongly away from remote work. Now, IBM which pioneered remote work is the latest to decide to end it.

Also, life on land is something she knows well. On the boat was something she didn't really know until trying the boat. On land, she has space, she has an office to go to, she makes a full time salary, she has other moms to talk to about the child, she has schools, she has hospitals. She may have second thoughts about the life you're talking about.
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Old 26-06-2017, 16:44   #5
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Re: After a year of yard work, wife wants to go to an office.

Well, I can't say I've been in a similar situation, but ...

When I was in my mid 20s I started sailing, and was ready to drop everything and go around the world when the opportunity came up. Then I met a girl (on a sailboat) and life got more complicated. There was a long pause in sailing and, 35 years later and retired, we have just bought a boat and are starting to cruise the Great Lakes.

I'm not telling you to take a decades-long break, I'm just suggesting that you need to be open in your objectives. You have already done more than most wannabees will ever accomplish, young kids put a different slant on things (boy, do I remember the "terrible twos"), and interests change.

As others said, talk about it, discuss frankly the pressures you each have. It's never a final decision; you can always adjust on the way. You said you love your family more than you love cruising, but I'm sure you can find a place where they meet in the middle.

And now many years later I'm happy to report that my wife wants to go sailing with me, on terms that we both accept and that are likely to get more adventurous as we gain experience. And that's more than a lot of my friends are able to say.
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Old 26-06-2017, 16:59   #6
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Re: After a year of yard work, wife wants to go to an office.

Have you considered a larger Sailboat so wife can have more work space. ?
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Old 26-06-2017, 17:46   #7
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Re: After a year of yard work, wife wants to go to an office.

I think posting on an Internet forum is a waste of time since you need to be speaking with your wife!
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Old 26-06-2017, 17:56   #8
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Re: After a year of yard work, wife wants to go to an office.

Fear of the unknown, coupled with constant change, vs. stability, & all of the factors associated there with mentioned by others. And "little things" which definitely aren't. For example, some of my 1st liveaboard neighbors had a son who was 3 when I met them, who'd been raised onboard. And due to his age, etc. she was literally doing a load or two of laundry a day. So these kinds of things can add up/weigh heavily on someone's mind, & bear airing out. Particularly if she has several things of such magnitude on her mind, along with all of the others mentioned by other posters.

Plus the possiblity of another baby on the way complicates things geometrically: Handling your current toddler on a boat, likely at anchor much/most of the time... while being pregnant. Dealing with being pregnant onboard a small boat. Then having an infant to care for along with your toddler. And infants statistically speaking do need/benefit from more shore side support & living. Such as their being prone to sudden & serious infections, requiring quick access to medical care, etc.

And also, think about how much work it is to pack up the car for a day trip with just one kid. Now imagine doing that in a dink with a toddler, plus an infant. It can mean a lot of gear for the kids alone. Along with the time, effort, & organization to go with same. Including unpacking, & restowing all of it for sea each time it gets used. Since a cruising boat really needs to be ready to up anchor & head out on a few moments notice, even if you've no plans to do so right then. As Neptune dictates a lot of those kinds of things.

Also, while under sail, as well as when anchoring or doing other boat handling, it means that one of you (likely the Mrs.) will be doing full time child care, so long as the boat is underway. Followed by a shift back to "household" mode once anchored.
Which can be a huge drain, & utterly lacking in fun, especially without shoreside conveniences. Ones that even at the best of times help parents of little ones to barely stay above the exhaustion level.

Just some thinks. So have a chat with her about them. One while someone else looks after the kids... for those few hours, or a full fledged adult 3-day (or longer) weekend.
Perhaps it'd make sense to go cruising when the kids have a decent level of self sufficiency. Including being able to make themselves snacks. Not needing hovering over every second, etc.


And, yeah, being "out there" cruising can be far more isolated from all of the adult connections, & activities, than is even present during yard or marina life. Which itself is quite different from a house, garage, & careers. Along with day care & babysitters.
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Old 26-06-2017, 18:44   #9
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Re: After a year of yard work, wife wants to go to an office.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hd002e View Post

Now, the wife is saying she wants to have structure in her life and wants to work in an office?!
Now, the wife is saying ... this is the most common scenario. You may have have missed the point that your wife has her own vision of what a family life is (supposed to be). Is it possible you were just not listening, watching, thinking, carefully?

The alternative is you wife does not like you. The alternative is your wife is afraid of speaking up her mind in front of you. Etc. all of which unlikely, (say 5% of all cases). 95% is when he is talking, she is listening, nodding. Nodding does not imply sharing the vision.

Most often odd things happen when we (men, mostly) do a lot of talking thru things and not enough listening to our partners (women, mostly). The 'talking thru' part is actually my only joke here as it is most often me who does most of the talking thru. While we talk, they cook, take care of the kid, and do most of the hard bits.

If your wife still loves you though (highly likely), you are just having a sit up (likely more than one) and now she does the talking thru thing while you just shut up and do all the listening to part. Yes, it is hard to listen and not talk when our all lives we did otherwise. But it is absolutely necessary. Then you think deep. If you love your family, you arrange stuff so that the family is happy. Making your wife happy is a good start.

It takes two to tango and adventurous two to sail a boat with a kid (or two) and all that. But how likely are we to find couples where both are adventurous and like-minded? (Unlikely.)

My pro-forma advice:

1) Assure you wife you WILL play along her lines.

2) Mean it.

3) Ask her to go ahead and explain her vision.

(Your wife's possible fears or doubts related to your vision are NOT part of her vision, they are part of YOUR vision). Do not discuss her fears or doubts or else you do not understand the challenge and actually need help from a pro family counselor.

4) Think DEEP. I mean it.

5) Think again.

6) See if there is any middle ground between your (singular) dreams and your wife's needs.

7) Think again. See 3) above.

8) If 6) is true, tell your wife your vision of how her needs could be met with your dreams.

9) Listen more.

10) Act accordingly.

I am not a shrink, but my partner is a trained and versed negotiator (counseling, families, couples, etc.). Most of what I say above I overheard from over 30 years of her practice. Good stuff, reliable and works most of the time. Whenever I have a problem getting her to sail on with me I ask her how SHE would solve it. Then I play along, and then we go sailing.

A divorce is a remote option and not your choice as you said you actually love your family.

My own gut feeling: People often fear and demonize things new, stuff they have never done before. If I were you, I would ask your wife to go for say a one year trial/vacation cruise up first. Who knows maybe she will actually dig it so much that she will beg you to forget and forgive at the end of the year. Then you will have a good laugh, make another baby, and keep on sailing.

I hope this will all work out well for your family. Sailing/cruising are great pastimes while the kids are small, as long as you can justly and equally share the kid maintenance chores and navigation it seems to work very well for very many cruising families. It only gets a bit more complex when kids are about 6 or 7 (years old, not units) and need more permanent relationships with their peers and more vigorous schooling.

Good luck. It may work. It should. Life is to live it, if anything.

Once thru with the exercise PLS do let us know here how it all worked out. This for the future generations of CF members.

Cheers,
b.
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Old 26-06-2017, 21:29   #10
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Re: After a year of yard work, wife wants to go to an office.

Quote:
Originally Posted by barnakiel View Post
Now, the wife is saying ... this is the most common scenario. You may have have missed the point that your wife has her own vision of what a family life is (supposed to be). Is it possible you were just not listening, watching, thinking, carefully?

The alternative is you wife does not like you. The alternative is your wife is afraid of speaking up her mind in front of you. Etc. all of which unlikely, (say 5% of all cases). 95% is when he is talking, she is listening, nodding. Nodding does not imply sharing the vision.

Most often odd things happen when we (men, mostly) do a lot of talking thru things and not enough listening to our partners (women, mostly). The 'talking thru' part is actually my only joke here as it is most often me who does most of the talking thru. While we talk, they cook, take care of the kid, and do most of the hard bits.

If your wife still loves you though (highly likely), you are just having a sit up (likely more than one) and now she does the talking thru thing while you just shut up and do all the listening to part. Yes, it is hard to listen and not talk when our all lives we did otherwise. But it is absolutely necessary. Then you think deep. If you love your family, you arrange stuff so that the family is happy. Making your wife happy is a good start.

It takes two to tango and adventurous two to sail a boat with a kid (or two) and all that. But how likely are we to find couples where both are adventurous and like-minded? (Unlikely.)

My pro-forma advice:

1) Assure you wife you WILL play along her lines.

2) Mean it.

3) Ask her to go ahead and explain her vision.

(Your wife's possible fears or doubts related to your vision are NOT part of her vision, they are part of YOUR vision). Do not discuss her fears or doubts or else you do not understand the challenge and actually need help from a pro family counselor.

4) Think DEEP. I mean it.

5) Think again.

6) See if there is any middle ground between your (singular) dreams and your wife's needs.

7) Think again. See 3) above.

8) If 6) is true, tell your wife your vision of how her needs could be met with your dreams.

9) Listen more.

10) Act accordingly.

I am not a shrink, but my partner is a trained and versed negotiator (counseling, families, couples, etc.). Most of what I say above I overheard from over 30 years of her practice. Good stuff, reliable and works most of the time. Whenever I have a problem getting her to sail on with me I ask her how SHE would solve it. Then I play along, and then we go sailing.

A divorce is a remote option and not your choice as you said you actually love your family.

My own gut feeling: People often fear and demonize things new, stuff they have never done before. If I were you, I would ask your wife to go for say a one year trial/vacation cruise up first. Who knows maybe she will actually dig it so much that she will beg you to forget and forgive at the end of the year. Then you will have a good laugh, make another baby, and keep on sailing.

I hope this will all work out well for your family. Sailing/cruising are great pastimes while the kids are small, as long as you can justly and equally share the kid maintenance chores and navigation it seems to work very well for very many cruising families. It only gets a bit more complex when kids are about 6 or 7 (years old, not units) and need more permanent relationships with their peers and more vigorous schooling.

Good luck. It may work. It should. Life is to live it, if anything.

Once thru with the exercise PLS do let us know here how it all worked out. This for the future generations of CF members.

Cheers,
b.
Quite a load there b.

Go easy on the lad
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Old 26-06-2017, 22:40   #11
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Re: After a year of yard work, wife wants to go to an office.

A 30ft boat doesn't provide much space for 3-4 people.
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Old 26-06-2017, 22:58   #12
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Re: After a year of yard work, wife wants to go to an office.

Dedicate a time to discuss with the wife and identify each of your priorities.

a growing family is a big responsibility and plans can change along with the circumstance.=)
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Old 26-06-2017, 23:53   #13
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Re: After a year of yard work, wife wants to go to an office.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hd002e View Post
We have been living on our boat with our two year old baby while we keep part time jobs and work remotely. We decided to do this to be closer as a family while we raised our boy (and maybe another baby), be in better weather (came from Connecticut, in Mediterranean now), minimize our footprint on the planet, travel with our house (like a turtle), and save some money to one day settle into something bigger or something on land. The past year was tough as the boy went from 1 to 2 and we worked on the boat to get it into cruising shape. Now, the wife is saying she wants to have structure in her life and wants to work in an office?!

I feel like this is finally the time to enjoy the cruising life (boat is ready, boy is much easier) and we have enough money already saved up to this for for 10+ years if we wanted to.

I am open to any tips, pointers from anyone who has been in a similar situation. I love cruising but not more than I love my family.
The key words which stuck out like a sore thumb "minimize our footprint on the planet."

"minimize our footprint on the planet" = no watermaker, no generator, limited refrigeration etc and few modern conveniences if any = full-time camping

Seriously.... we hear this tale almost monthly on this forum. The male half of the relationship decides it's a great idea to go full-time camping on a boat, then can't understand when the female half decides to opt out.
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Old 27-06-2017, 05:59   #14
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Re: After a year of yard work, wife wants to go to an office.

Spouse hates my boat
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Old 27-06-2017, 06:20   #15
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Re: After a year of yard work, wife wants to go to an office.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hd002e View Post
We have been living on our boat with our two year old baby while we keep part time jobs and work remotely. We decided to do this to be closer as a family while we raised our boy (and maybe another baby), be in better weather (came from Connecticut, in Mediterranean now), minimize our footprint on the planet, travel with our house (like a turtle), and save some money to one day settle into something bigger or something on land. The past year was tough as the boy went from 1 to 2 and we worked on the boat to get it into cruising shape. Now, the wife is saying she wants to have structure in her life and wants to work in an office?!

I feel like this is finally the time to enjoy the cruising life (boat is ready, boy is much easier) and we have enough money already saved up to this for for 10+ years if we wanted to.

I am open to any tips, pointers from anyone who has been in a similar situation. I love cruising but not more than I love my family.
You mention living on the boat with a small child, working AND getting it ready for cruising (I take it to mean working on the boat as well). I think that's part of the problem. Living on a boat with a child isn't easy- everything is harder on a boat (cooking, washing clothes, lack of space, lack of conveniences, privacy etc.). I imagine you've been staying in a marina. There is nothing more demoralizing than being stuck in a boatyard (or marina) working on the boat when all you really want to do is be out enjoying yourself and cruising. Maybe a "trial cruise", now that the boat is ready, would help put things in perspective. If you got her to move aboard a year ago it's because she liked the idea (at the time anyway) of travelling and seeing the world by boat. Give her a taste of that now to rekindle the original desire. After a short period of cruising (a month?) then sit down and talk about the next move. There is always a solution (except for death and taxes!) for everything.
At any rate, don't despair. After a while at the office she'll remember why she wanted to cruise on a sailboat again! Don't worry!
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