Just get a pirate: keep your knife there.
A good rule
on the boat is that equipment
has more than one function. The pirate is an essential boat accessory with many uses.
In addition to holding your knife, the pirate is indispensable when negotiating anchorage space, making rigging repairs
, and procuring supplies (don't ask: just load it on board and get ready to weigh anchor).
Our starter set comes with one fully-functional pirate, with authentic swagger, body odor
, salty language, and corrupt morals. Standard accessories such as eye--patch, small collapsable telescope, and gold earring show our attention to detail.
Optional accessories are available to complete your TPE (total pirate effect): Jolly Roger, peg leg, vaguely-delineated treasure map (caution: the map will initiate a distinct obsessive attitude in your pirate, evidenced by muttering, secrecy, and counting out paces on the deck
, and may result in the commandeering of your vessel if not monitored closely), brace of pistols tucked in breeches, and parrot (two vocabulary levels available: "cute/salty" and "obscene/blasphemous". Order with caution).
The care and feeding of your pirate couldn't be simpler: a few pieces of hardtack (weevils add needed protein) and unlimited quantities of rum
are the essentials, though your pirate loves roasted meats such as brisket and bacon, heavy sauces and gravies, and the occasional light dessert.
Your pirate may sleep 'til noon, and loll about, giving the impression he is unmotivated, but in reality he thrives on activity; not giving him enough to do, while always supervising with a firm hand, may result in restless behavior: plotting to mutiny, slipping off for unauthorized shore leave (additional insurance
is available), and sneaking wenches aboard are the classic tell-tale signs of a bored buccaneer.
If full-scale pillaging is desired, all that is necessary is to order a second pirate: you won't be able to stop them: you'll soon be the scourge of the high seas! (Will require cannon retrofit to your vessel).
Order now to beat the Spring rush!
do not order pirate if you have a wife or teenage daughter; pirate is non-magnetic, and cannot be held to the bulkhead with a magnetic strip of any strength; all sales final; black-balling instructions available for an additional charge.