PREFACE: He asked for constructive criticism. Please, disagree if you like but don't come running to his defense, as I'm not attacking.
Points, in no particular order:
As nes said, I'd like to have been introduced to the vessel.
The fillers "so, uh..." were minimal, but any of them should be eliminated.
It's a helm
, not a wheel
. Nautical terms should be used. You said wheel
a couple times in a row in that opening narrative. You might have referred to the helm
the first time, then used "wheel" the second time, in case there were viewers who were unclear, but saying "wheel" repeatedly, rather than helm (especially in that phrasing/context) makes you appear amateurish, reduces confidence in the caliber of your advice/perspective. And a point: try to avoid redundancy. Then again, I'm a wordsmith, so I notice such things.
Seems to me that you had a great day for shooting as well (no sun means no glare.). You bring up the clouds, referring to them as "ominous" twice (redundant word choices) but don't express to the viewer WHY clouds would be a bad omen.
I liked the line "... decided to take a sail today and.... play with the wind!"
As far as 2:38 in, your music
is still a bit too high in the mix, and the overall mix could use more volume. Try "Normalizing" the soundtrack, to increase the gain.
You refer to your dad, and the cemetery, and what he instilled in you. This would have been a good time for a brief tribute, perhaps a photo
of him, or of the two of you together, laid over the continued sailing image for a moment? Or a shot of the grave, as the camera
pans to the shoreline. We didn't see the cemetery, so it was a bit vague at first (the reference.) Which leads into that since you hadn't really introduced this voyage you're planning on sharing until that point, it was a bit out of the blue, and left me wondering exactly what you were talking about. That distracts from the next few moments. Perhaps sharing about the proposed voyage would have been a good thing to share at the very beginning, to set up the story. I'd gotten the impression that you were just taking us along for a day sail.
got more and more choppy, and more rough..." Again, redundancy. Could have used, "The water
became increasingly choppy, the waves more rough," or at at least said "rougher" rather than more rough.
You're still referring to this threat without explaining WHY, what might happen, etc. Then you talk about Kevin deciding to head
back in a mile into the trip. (This is also the first time we even know that Kevin is there, let alone WHO he is. Putting his intro to the vessel at the beginning would have avoided that distraction and confusion.) Again, I'm wondering what loomed ahead that he was worried about, but you never say. I also saw a great opportunity for drama lost
, in that, so far, it isn't appearing all that rough or large, so the viewer hasn't gotten that sense of adrenalin/adventure.
The light flare at 7:10 would be best fixed or cut.
As you head
back and the wind
is (presumably) behind you, the wind noise
becomes more than just annoying. Get a cat for that mic!
Rode Dead Cat | Sweetwater.com
At 9:20 or so, she heels as you change tack and bring the buoy to port. That would have been a great opportunity for the camera
to face forward and show how close the water gets at port, and the gap between at starboard.
As the music
comes back in, I'm getting REALLY tired of hearing that same riff droning on. Switch it up. Another piece entirely, something light and fun, maybe? The transition doesn't have to happen at that point. Before would have been better. Then return to the existing song when you go back into higher energy moments.
There's a military ship that never got referred to or identified, then the cruise ship
. It seemed like we were going to find out about the military vessel, but no. Then the bit about the cruise ship
being the first youv'e ever been on, and the audience is wondering "What happened to that big grey thing?"
The slo-mo closing to the sail at 11:20 was nicely done! That should have been where you ended the piece.
The shot of the real vessel at the end was a better choice for your logo than the computer-generated vessel that you used in the beginning. This experience is organic, the opening suggested a techie feel and left me wondering what educational video I was about to view.
As mentioned before, put Kevin's bit about the vessel in the beginning... or tell what she is yourself in the beginning. That would have given perspective, gotten a sailor's interest, and allowed you to leave off with that smiling slo-mo shot.
I liked a lot of it. In the overall, it was better than home video... but I'd caution you to avoid shots like the long one of your cameraman (as you'd turned back) where he's just standing there and nothing is happening) because stuff like that (and then panning to you, also doing nothing) gives it more of a home video slice-of-life feel than I think you want. Keep it feeling professional. Above all else, let the camera's lens take the audience with on the adventure -- not just at a tag-along perspective, but from your own eye. I'm CERTAIN, for example, that you leaned over and looked at the waves as they rushed past the hull
. But we didn't see that -- not even once. It's that perspective that will bring the viewer to feel it. Don't TELL them when you can SHOW them.
I hope you'll take these suggestions as well-intended, to improve/edit this episode, and future productions. Do keep at it, you've got something there. Just gotta bring it up a few notches!