The New Joke Thread

[Therapy]

No joke.
Heh.

[Buzzman]

I do!

There a young man named Avery
With habits uncouth and unsavoury
Who with maniacal howls
Deflowered young owls
In a secret underground aviary

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

You really have to be choosy if you go to Thailand............

.

The FTZ 94284 makes diamond-shape, but not hex. I don't get ears on the larger sizes, but sometimes little ones on the smaller cables, like #6. Just turn 90 degrees and smash them down. I believe the FTZ makes a UL approved crimp, at least with the ratcheting one. I cut one open, and it's solid.

I have seen problems with the hammer crimps, be careful with them. They tend not to pinch all of the strands, and then if the lug works around a bit on the cable, they all end up loose. Even if it doesn't pull out, the heat can cause damage.

[Jim Cate]

Originally Posted by Pelagic

The FTZ 94284 makes diamond-shape, but not hex. I don't get ears on the larger sizes, but sometimes little ones on the smaller cables, like #6. Just turn 90 degrees and smash them down. I believe the FTZ makes a UL approved crimp, at least with the ratcheting one. I cut one open, and it's solid.

I have seen problems with the hammer crimps, be careful with them. They tend not to pinch all of the strands, and then if the lug works around a bit on the cable, they all end up loose. Even if it doesn't pull out, the heat can cause damage.

And this has what t do with bar girls (or approximations thereto) in thailand?

I think that for at least one of the subjects in the photo above, had you hammered down on her(?) cable for a crimp, might object strenuously!

Similarly, should you turn one of them 90 degrees and smash down on them, well, goodness knows what they would do.

A dangerous path you suggest, my friend!

Jim

[Pelagic]

Jim,
I thought I heard a request for this to be more boat related so simply borrowed from the "choosing a crimp' thread, as an appropriate metaphor on how difficult that would be.

No danger or ill will ever intended [emoji111]

[Jim Cate]

No danger or ill will ever intended

No danger??? Just try crimping that ?girl?

Jim

[Pelagic]

Metaphors are rarely taken literally Jim.
I was thinking more about crimping the jokes, although I did find that photo in poor taste .

[GrowleyMonster]

Poor taste is what makes some jokes funny. TBH though, perhaps a bit of warning would have been nice. I think I inhaled a bit of my sammitch.

[El Pinguino]

Originally Posted by Pelagic

Metaphors are rarely taken literally Jim.
I was thinking more about crimping the jokes, although I did find that photo in poor taste .

Your crimping joke made my eyes water.... but - yes - the sheep photo was in poor taste....

[svmariane]

A catamaran sailing in the frostbite series race lost its mast and was nearly overturned by a large wave. The headline in the club newsletter the next day was, "Cata-frostic Dismaster".

<insert drum rim shot>



A pair of a novice sailors’ best mate died, and, in his will, specified that he wanted them to bury him at sea.

So, the pair set out from shore in a rowboat with the body. They had rowed out a little way when one got out of the boat and stood knee deep in water.

“We need to go out further,” he told the other. So they rowed out another fifty yards, and the same sailor jumped out again to find the water reached his chin.

“We need to go out further,” he said again.

About 150 yards from shore, he jumped out of the rowboat again and disappeared under water. After five minutes, he reappeared coughing and spluttering, and said to the other: “That's far enough; hand me the shovel.”

[svmariane]

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good-looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island.

One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."

"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."

Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself.

With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

[svmariane]

One from the archives....
best consumed over (a) morning coffee or (b) sundowners.

An ambitious I.T. Manager finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. ...at least for a while.
A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowing boat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowing boat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowing boat didn't wash up, nothing did."

He was confused, "Then how did you get the boat?"

"Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowing boat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"

Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then" she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a 'still'. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. "Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines --strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stared into his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean-- ?", he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"

[Eigenvector]

Double rim shot..........

[Eigenvector]

Or boat

[D&D]

In the UK, some supermarkets have admitted that there is horse meat in their home cooked burgers.
Even places like Burger King have had to admit that there are “small amounts” of horse meat in their burgers.
Tesco is a big supermarket chain in the UK
Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers' contained 30% horse meat, these quips hit the Internet
____________________________________________
“I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse..... I guess Tesco just listened!

Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?

Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle

Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had £5 each way!

Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night ...I still have a bit between my teeth.

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.

Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn

I just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer ... “AND THEY'RE OFF!"

Tesco now forced to deny the presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.

Said to the missus, “These Tesco burgers give me the trots...

"To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian".....

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says, "Why the long face?" Cow says "Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!"

I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit...Talk about flogging a dead horse.

Last night the wife made meatloaf, so I had dinner with two nags.

Since they’re selling the meat wrapped in plastic, is that technically a “Trojan Horse?”

Instead of choosing “rare, medium or well done, it’s now Win, Place or Show”

At first, I thought, “Oh great, I’ve been saddled with another email to forward, but something spurred me on.”