The New Joke Thread

[Jason Flare]

Q: Why did they put a clock on the Leaning Tower of Pisa?

A: What good is having the inclination if you don't have the time?

[Jason Flare]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted. A few moments passed.
“An ambulance just drove by.”
A few moments later, “Looks like the Anderson’s have company,” he called out, ”Matt’s riding a new bike.”
A few moments later, “Looks like the Sanders are moving, Jason is on his skate board.”
A few more moments, “The Coopers are having sex.”
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, “How do you know they are having sex?”
“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too.”

[Jason Flare]

What do you do with a Elephant with three balls?

I don't know, what do you do with a Elephant with three balls?

You walk him and pitch to the Rhino.

[Jason Flare]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.


Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks.
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[StuM]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

Not jokes, but one can laugh at themselves.

18 of Murphy's Laws...

...
8.Law of the Result -
When you try to prove to someone that
an item won't work, IT WILL!!!
...

Those are SO true. But I'd add to No 8 the words " and vice versa".

[Oceanride007]

For some of our expat aussies who need to catch up on events back home.

Clarke and Dawe absolutely nail the Australian energy debate : Renew Economy

Yep, everything much the same.

[jongleur]

Can somebody 'splain this to me:

Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor

[Kelkara]

Originally Posted by jongleur

Can somebody 'splain this to me:

Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor

Once the punchline is delivered you realise it is talking about either Henry VII or Henry VIII, who were the Tudor kings of England. It may only work in some accents but often "Tudor" is pronounced very similarly to "Chewed Her".

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by SFS

This thread needs more jokes.

Well then, and just me thinking here, but why don't you wander on down to the pub and have a chat with George and maybe pick up a joke or two and share them with us common folk? You know.... Do 'stead of complainin'.

While we wait (And we will wait, being cruisers.) have a lookie here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwbnvkMRPKM

[D&D]

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

"I have some good news, and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day.

Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"



The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

[svmariane]

Down at the pub t'other night and we were talking about Brexit, and all that. And George, he says that the BBC is reporting folk in Scotland are getting really upbeat. Specially that thing about Scottish independence because:

People who voted Yes during the Scottish referendum: 1,617,989.

People who apparently voted Yes after the Scottish referendum failed: 3,001,617,989.

So there's that to consider.

[a64pilot]

Originally Posted by PhiSig1071

Aren't flight suits one piece? That takes some serious dedication to the art of the pressed ham.

Most are, theirs were, and yes it takes dedication what with the helmet, survival vest and a small cockpit, but in your 20's, you can do anything.
There have been two piece flights suits off and on since Vietnam, stupid expensive, don't work nearly as well but the Army has this passion that their pilots should look like Infantry, while it's OK for the tankers not to?

[a64pilot]

Not a joke really but I have always liked this one. After the accident they were going to survive professionally, until someone found the tape in the recorder, it was running, but they forgot.
https://youtu.be/KgnkhumTwqo

[LakeSuperior]

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones.

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears…….. I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm sitting on the toilet. Please advise."

[D&D]

BASIC
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's probably time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done only in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're really interested. Say things like, "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.