The New Joke Thread

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

I thought #1 was "My woman left me for my best friend and took my horse, my dog, all my beer and my pickup truck, too"

and #9 is "I thought I got rid of you for good, but the dog keeps digging you back up"

#10 is "I finally got rid of the old nag, but I'll never get rid of my horse."

Well, to quibble, for the "Perfect Country & Western Song" how about the one that includes these lyrics ...

WELL, I WAS DRUNK THE DAY MY MOM GOT OUT OF PRISON
AND I WENT TO PICK HER UP IN THE RAIN
BUT BEFORE I COULD GET TO THE STATION IN MY PICKUP TRUCK
SHE GOT RUNNED OVER BY A DAMNED OLD TRAIN

Somewhere in here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sco_eBvXGTQ

[carstenb]

Originally Posted by svmariane

Well, to quibble, for the "Perfect Country & Western Song" how about the one that includes these lyrics ...

WELL, I WAS DRUNK THE DAY MY MOM GOT OUT OF PRISON
AND I WENT TO PICK HER UP IN THE RAIN
BUT BEFORE I COULD GET TO THE STATION IN MY PICKUP TRUCK
SHE GOT RUNNED OVER BY A DAMNED OLD TRAIN

Somewhere in here:

Not a bad Dong but he should have inkluder a Line about "my dog died and also one about how he had to sell his rifle

Then he would have gotten everything in there

[GordMay]

The U.K. comedy show “The Last Leg” is looking to get people to click for Canada. They have a campaign called "Bricking It For Canada" to help fund a wall that would cover the border between Canada and the U.S.

The show launched a website in which you click a button and pledge to add a brick to the proposed wall along the Canada-U.S. border.

The Last Leg estimated that it would take 1,545,454,550 bricks to cover the 8,891 kilometre border.

Pledge a brick to help keep Americans in America, and help keep Canada an America-free zone.
Click for a Brick ➥ Brickstarter

[Mirage35]

Originally Posted by svmariane

TOP COUNTRY SONGS

8. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long

7. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

6. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

5. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well

4. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

3. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

2. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here

1. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

Actually heard on Acadian French country radio, while passing through Nova Scotia (you can't make this stuff up), a song titled:

"You flushed me down the toilet of your heart"

[GordMay]

Originally Posted by AnglaisInHull

Actually heard on Acadian French country radio, while passing through Nova Scotia (you can't make this stuff up), a song titled:

"You flushed me down the toilet of your heart"

Actually, the title was probably “Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart”.
And, as a matterof fact, JACK CLEMENT did make that stuff up.

➥

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yl4J1fjuKdg

➥ Johnny Cash - Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart Lyrics | MetroLyrics

[Mirage35]

You've probably got it - so it was actually a translated version. Never heard it in English.

[Jon Hacking]

Do you know what happens when you play Country & Western music backwards?


Your girlfriend comes back, your truck gets fixed, your dog comes back to life, ...

[socaldmax]

This...

[socaldmax]

Of course...

[socaldmax]

Common sense...

[socaldmax]

Strayan for "spider"...

[Jason Flare]

A woman was in bed with her young lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

“Hurry, she said, stand in the corner.” She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then totally dusted him all over with talcum powder.

“Don’t move until I tell you,” she said. “Just pretend you’re a statue."

“What’s this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.

“Oh it’s a statue.” she replied. "The Smiths bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

“Here,” he said to the statue, “have this. I stood like that for two frickin' days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

[D&D]

> Quiz time...

Which of the following names are you familiar with
>
>
>
> 1. Monica Lewinski
>
> 2. Bill Clinton
>
> 3. Donald Trump
>
> 4. Adolph Hitler
>
> 5. Jorge Bergoglio
>
> 6. Winnie Mandela
>
> 7. Vladimir Putin
>
> 8. Linda Lovelace
>
> 9. Saddam Hussein
>
> 10. Tiger Woods
>
>
> You had trouble with #5?










You know all the criminals, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters,
but you don't know the Pope? Lovely, just lovely!

[socaldmax]

I'm blaming the media!

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by D&D

> Quiz time...

Which of the following names are you familiar with


1. Monica Lewinski

2. Bill Clinton

3. Donald Trump

4. Adolph Hitler

5. Jorge Bergoglio

6. Winnie Mandela

7. Vladimir Putin

8. Linda Lovelace

9. Saddam Hussein

10. Tiger Woods


You had trouble with #5?










You know all the criminals, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters,
but you don't know the Pope? Lovely, just lovely!

May it please the Court, M'Lord, Advocate for the defense would point out the following mitigating circumstances. To wit:

1. This individual, Jorge Bergoglio, went to rather extreme lengths in March of 2013 to have his name changed. And yet to our knowledge, he did so without recourse to the normal legalities of a court appearance but merely proclaimed his selection.

2. Shortly before this, said individual departed his normal residence, country and continent and took lodging in a foreign land. And not just any land, M'Lord, but the world's smallest country.

Now these facts are not in dispute. I put it you, M'Lord, that said individual made great effort and with intent changed his residence and his name in what might reasonably suggest being an attempt to start a new life. That the defendant knows not the so-called original name speaks more to the effectiveness of the slippery changes made by Mr. Bergoglio rather than any inattention on the part of my client.

The defense rests, M'Lord.