The New Joke Thread

[D&D]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day
while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph
suddenly jumped into the deep end.


He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly
jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good
news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since
you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and
saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your
act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hanged himself in the bathroom with his
bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's
dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry...

How soon can I go home?'

[socaldmax]

I love these...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-kG...VEV4P2&index=2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtIP...VEV4P2&index=1

[D&D]

No idea how many of these are true, but they may (?!) make for amusing reading...

Here are some facts about the 1500s:

There is an old Hotel/Pub in Marble Arch, London , which used to have a
gallows adjacent to it. Prisoners were taken to the gallows ( after a fair
trial of course) to be hanged.
The horse-drawn dray, carting the prisoner, was accompanied by an armed
guard, who would stop the dray outside the pub and ask the prisoner if he
would like ''ONE LAST DRINK''.
If he said YES, it was referred to as ONE FOR THE ROAD. If he declined, that prisoner was ON THE WAGON.


They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot and then once a day it was taken and sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive you were "piss poor", but worse than that were the really poor folk, who couldn't even afford to buy a pot, they "Didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.


Most people got married in June, because they took their yearly bath in
May and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were
starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body
odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house
had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and
men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By
then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence
the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"


Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw piled high, with no wood
underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats
and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it
became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."


There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a
real problem in the bedroom, where bugs and other droppings could mess up
your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the
top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.


The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying, "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get
slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to
help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)



In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight, then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: ''Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot, nine days old''.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over they would hang up their bacon, to show off. It was
a sign of wealth that a man could, "Bring home the bacon." They would cut
off a little to share with guests and would all sit around talking and
''chew the fat''.


Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content
caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and
death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years
or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.


Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the
loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or ''The Upper
Crust''

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would
sometimes knock the imbibers ou t for a couple of days. Someone walking
along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They
were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family
would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake
up. Hence the custom of ''Holding a Wake''.


England is old and small and the local folks started running out of
places to bury people, so they would dig up coffins and would take the
bones to a bone-house and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1
out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they
realised they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on
the wrist of the corpse, thread it through the coffin and up through the
ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the
graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus
someone could be, ''Saved by the Bell ''or was considered a ''Dead Ringer''


Now, whoever said history was boring ! ! !

[Sailor g]

Love it!

[Hamish_ct]

Thank you D&D. That was very interesting

[carstenb]

In Danish there is an expression called "slaebe sild" which translates to "dragged herring"

It origin is from very poor families, where there was only bread to eat. When the family would get a herring, the herring was dragged across the mother's and children's slices of bread to give off some taste to the bread before the father ate the heering (he had to work and needed all the food for strength)

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by D&D

No idea how many of these are true, but they may (?!) make for amusing reading...

Here are some facts about the 1500s:

There is an old Hotel/Pub in Marble Arch, London , which used to have a
gallows adjacent to it. Prisoners were taken to the gallows ( after a fair
trial of course) to be hanged.
The horse-drawn dray, carting the prisoner, was accompanied by an armed
guard, who would stop the dray outside the pub and ask the prisoner if he
would like ''ONE LAST DRINK''.
If he said YES, it was referred to as ONE FOR THE ROAD. If he declined, that prisoner was ON THE WAGON.


They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot and then once a day it was taken and sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive you were "piss poor", but worse than that were the really poor folk, who couldn't even afford to buy a pot, they "Didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.


Most people got married in June, because they took their yearly bath in
May and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were
starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body
odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house
had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and
men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By
then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence
the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"


Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw piled high, with no wood
underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats
and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it
became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."


There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a
real problem in the bedroom, where bugs and other droppings could mess up
your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the
top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.


The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying, "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get
slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to
help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)



In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight, then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: ''Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot, nine days old''.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over they would hang up their bacon, to show off. It was
a sign of wealth that a man could, "Bring home the bacon." They would cut
off a little to share with guests and would all sit around talking and
''chew the fat''.


Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content
caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and
death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years
or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.


Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the
loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or ''The Upper
Crust''

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would
sometimes knock the imbibers ou t for a couple of days. Someone walking
along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They
were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family
would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake
up. Hence the custom of ''Holding a Wake''.


England is old and small and the local folks started running out of
places to bury people, so they would dig up coffins and would take the
bones to a bone-house and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1
out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they
realised they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on
the wrist of the corpse, thread it through the coffin and up through the
ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the
graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus
someone could be, ''Saved by the Bell ''or was considered a ''Dead Ringer''


Now, whoever said history was boring ! ! !

Originally Posted by Sailor g

Love it!

Originally Posted by Hamish_ct

Thank you D&D. That was very interesting

Sorry folks.
It is just the internet again.

Life in the 1500s : snopes.com
False statements about life in the Middle Ages - Critique and Refutation by Marian T. Horvat
Factoids Debunked & Verified, Part III | jefflewis.net

But then this is the joke thread eh?

[D&D]

Originally Posted by Therapy

Sorry folks.
It is just the internet again.

Life in the 1500s : snopes.com
False statements about life in the Middle Ages - Critique and Refutation by Marian T. Horvat
Factoids Debunked & Verified, Part III | jefflewis.net

But then this is the joke thread eh?

Well, we did preface the 'joke' (and at least one person thought it was funny!?) with...

"No idea how many of these are true,..."

...and, more importantly, back to the jokes again...


At St. Peter's Catholic Church, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?

Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go picka her up."

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by D&D

[/FONT]The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.[/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]

dictionary.reference.com/browse/thresh
Dictionary.com
1. to separate the grain or seeds from (a cereal plant or the like) by some mechanical means, as by beating with a flail or by the action of a threshing machine.
2. to beat as if with a flail. verb (used without object)

Soooo..... If the Groom carries the Bride across the threshold when first he brings her home, then the "threshold" is actually the doorway and door that holds her inside after she might be beaten for, well, whatever reason????




yikes! I'm going offline now........................

[socaldmax]

That history lesson was pretty amazing! I would have forgotten half of that stuff in 200 yrs or so. Hell, I'm having a hard time remembering all of my passwords and PIN numbers and I'm nowhere near 500 yrs old!

[socaldmax]

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.


3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably not in the mood for love


4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.


5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.


6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.


7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.


8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.



9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what 's your plan?



10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

[ontherocks83]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what 's your plan?

I was eating when I read that and started choking!

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by svmariane

dictionary.reference.com/browse/thresh
Dictionary.com
1. to separate the grain or seeds from (a cereal plant or the like) by some mechanical means, as by beating with a flail or by the action of a threshing machine.
2. to beat as if with a flail. verb (used without object)

Soooo..... If the Groom carries the Bride across the threshold when first he brings her home, then the "threshold" is actually the doorway and door that holds her inside after she might be beaten for, well, whatever reason????




yikes! I'm going offline now........................

Frikkin great.
Cause when you next go online there will be yet another "true fact" out there (here).

See. somuchagrivatingBSontheinternet.conme.com

[StuM]

Originally Posted by Therapy

Frikkin great.
Cause when you next go online there will be yet another "true fact" out there (here).

See. somuchagrivatingBSontheinternet.conme.com

Not that I'd ever do this

[jeanathon]

These are bad, but . .....



Why did the tomato blush? Because he saw the salad dressing.

When do you know a banana wants to dance? When you see a banana shake!

A: why are you looking so glum? B:I’ve lost my root vegetable. A:
don’t worry, it will turnip.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.

Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

I just got hit by a rented car. It Hertz!

I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop counting.
I wonder what she’s up to now.

‘I stand corrected,’ said the man in the orthopedic shoes.