The New Joke Thread

[Adelie]

Q: Do you know what the judge would have given Lorena Bobbit if she'd been convicted for cutting off her husband's penis?

A: Two years, ... in a penal institution.


Sent from my iPhone using Cruisers Sailing Forum

[Buzzman]

The reason why it's easy to find a characteristic or whatever about people with which to poke fun is due to the 'circling generalizations' that are 'understood' within any society.

For example, in post-war USA the term Polack was used to denigrate immigrant Poles. Everyone understood that a 'Polack' was a stupid person.

Similarly in the UK today, Polish EU immigrants tend to take the least desirable jobs because any job is better than no job back in Poland, but their language difficulties, and often slap-dash methods in the construction sector, have made them a figure of fun - due to these 'widely understood' characteristics.

It isn't necessarily racist, but could be construed as such if making jokes or remarks about them was designed to put them down or to make the originator of the remark appear smarter, wiser, superior.

There is a raft of jokes that are racist that are often applied to Australian Aborigines - and similarly to African Americans, Irish, Poles etc.

For example:
"How do you tell the bride at an Aboriginal wedding? She's the one with the new thongs".

In this case, thongs being the rubber sandals that our Kiwi friends call jandals, and being the cheapest form of footwear known, but also just happen to be what a lot of Aboriginal people in the bush actually wear.

But then, so do a lot of white Aussies on the way to the beach....

If I said "How do you tell the bride at an Aussie wedding" "She's the one with new thongs", it doesn't resonate, because Aussies are known for wearing thongs.

It works as a joke - a racist joke - because substituting 'Aboriginal' makes reference to the fact that many Aboriginal people are poor, live in the bush, aren't terribly sophisticated (in an educated modern Western sense) and don't realise that wearing thongs to your wedding is considered slovenly by other, more 'sophisticated' people.

Essentially, it's a 'put-down'. Intended to make the subject of the joke appear inferior to the teller.

We recently had a TV program, a satirical sketch type humour show, run by and featuring only Aboriginal people, that took the piss out of 'modern' town-dwelling Aboriginal people and their customs and manner of speaking.

They have a particular 'tone' and 'lingua franca' that differs from the broader community's spoken English, in much the same way that African Americans or Hispanic Americans have a particular way of speaking.

"Hey, homes, wuzzup?" is immediately recognisable, even without the accent, as a type of African American (ghetto) greeting.

One characteristic that Aboriginal people have is a tendency to say ".., you know?" at the end of sentences, spoken with a rising inflection and the 'know' clipped and spoken quickly.

So mimicking that speech pattern is not generally considered racist, but the more politically correct do tend to see it that way - except when it's done by Aboriginal people themselves.

The TV program I refferred to was called 'Black Comedy'. A double-pun on the term 'black humour' (meaning sad, or morbid humour) and the 'black' of their skin colour. So a double-entendre.

And it was very funny.

Similarly, several years ago, we had a group of Greek Australians taking the piss out of themsleves and white Anglo aussie perceptions of them, by exaggerating these characteristics. Greeks and Italians have always been called 'wogs', so they termed their shows 'Wog Boys', 'Wogs Out of Work' and so on. And they were hilarious.

But this is the people from within the community taking the mickey out of themselves, so it's not racist or discriminatory if they do it.

There's a white Aussie comedian, Louis Beers, who puts on 'black face' (a la Al Jolson) and does a comedy routine about blackfellers - Aboriginal Australians. He speaks in their tone of voice and lingua franca and has a whole cast of characters that he refers to.

He calls himself 'King Billy Cokebottle'.

He's considered controversial, because he's white, but according to the scuttlebutt around Oz, the Aboriginal people love his humour, because it's so accurate.

Personally, I find him hilarious, but I recognise that some people - white and black - find him offensive.

We even have a guy who's a stand-up comedian who has cerebral palsy. Steady Eddy. He has a twisted arm, a funny walk, and talks funny - like people with cerebral palsy tend to do - and he takes the piss out of himself, disabilities generally, and the way the non-disabled react. And he's hilarious.

So I really think it depends on who says what, and in what context.

If I repeated some of his jokes, they wouldn't be funny, and might be seen as 'disabled-phobic' or at least derogatory, especially if I adopted his tone of voice and speech delivery.

But google 'Acropolis Now' (the comedy show from which Wog Boys sprang), 'King Billy Cokebottle' and 'Steady Eddy' and make up your own minds.

And now, back to the jokes!

[Sailor g]

More weird things about modern society...,

I'll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I'm eating on Instagram.

[Buzzman]

Never mind Facebook, just turn on your mobile phone and the GPS tells them where you are - or were.

Megadata.

Who you called, what time, for how long, and what cell tower you were under. The GPS data pinpoints it a bit closer.

Good if you're tracking someone who might be about to do something, but otherwise not much use other than to say, after the fact, we know it was you what done it.


How many jihadis does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to unscrew it, one to smash it, one to film it being smashed, one to post it up on Facebook.

[jeanathon]

PC was invented by people without a sense of humor so they wouldn't be substandard.
This joke is for those that would turn this thread political.
A black man, an illegal immigrant, a Muslim, and a racist go into a bar. The bartender says, "Hello Mr. President. "

[carstenb]

Guys, this is a joke thread. Let's drop the PC arguments and get back to some regular jokes. Please or else this thread will end up as toast.

[Pelagic]

Thanks Carstenb..... :thumbup:

[senormechanico]

I'm part Norwegian.
Would it be racist if I posted a "Ole and Lena" joke?

[Therapy]

I'm Scotch/Irish and German.

I don't know if I should bomb London as a infernal Papist or a Nazzi.

[Canibul]

So, is it Schnapps or single malt?

[Pelagic]

The 20 Worst Jokes Ever!

1....Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2....A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve You, but don't start anything."

3.....Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4.....A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5.......A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6....,..Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7.,...."Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8.........Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9........An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10......Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11.....I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

12.....A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't I've cut off your arms!"

13....I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14.....What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15......Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says Dam!"

16.,.....Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17....A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18.....A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19.....Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. . .) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20....... And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

[carstenb]

Originally Posted by Pelagic

The 20 Worst Jokes Ever!

1....Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2....A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve You, but don't start anything."

3.....Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4.....A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5.......A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6....,..Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7.,...."Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8.........Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9........An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10......Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11.....I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

12.....A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't I've cut off your arms!"

13....I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14.....What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15......Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says Dam!"

16.,.....Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17....A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18.....A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19.....Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. . .) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20....... And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

Christ they're bad - gotta have a lot of time on your hands to sit and think those up

[Pelagic]

Or simply Google... 20 worst jokes.....

[sailorboy1]

There were five people aboard an boat that lost its' keel and was about to sink (rumor is it was an Oyster), however, there were only four life vests. Everyone wondered what should be done to determine who should get the life vests. One person said that he was the smartest thing that hit the face of the Earth, and that he was too smart to die and had read all the classic how to boat books and spend hours and hours on sailing forums. So, he took one of the life vests and jumped out of the boat. The second person said that she was too important to die, she had children and a family to take care of, and they depended on her to care for them. So, she took one of the life vests and also jumped out of the boat. The third person said that he was too important to die because his family depended on him for survival. He was the head of household and the sole bread winner. So, he took one of the life vests and jumped over the side. Finally, there were only two people left, and one life vest. One person was a 12 year old boy, and the other was a 65 year old man. The old man said, "Well son, I have lived a good life, and you are too young to die, you have a long life ahead of you. So, you take the last life vest. The boy asked, "Why, Sir?" The old man said, "Well, there is only one life vest left." The little lad said, "Sir there are really two life vests left." The old gentlemen asked, excitedly, "Yeah? How?" "Well," replied the boy, "you know that guy who thought he was the smartest and greatest boater that hit the face of the Earth? He grabbed my backpack."

[carstenb]

since it is that time of year (and with a bow to Pelagic's horrible jokes)

Why is a cat walking across the desert like christmas?



wait for it





wait for it




wait for it


They both have "sandy claws" (say it fast - groooooan)