The New Joke Thread

[svmariane]

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

[svmariane]

Contest in a girl's college: write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.

Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant. I wonder who did it."

[svmariane]

At last, the long-awaited finale of the televised poem competition had arrived.

The pope, who was a keen lyricist and writer of poems, had to everyone’s surprise entered the competition. He immediately announced that he would only be reciting poems about personal spiritual experiences. Despite this limitation, it turned out he was gifted with words and he had made it all the way to the final. His opponent was the favorite to win: a Harvard linguistics professor on the top of his career and with a mind as sharp as a knife’s edge.

The Harvard professor was up first. He was informed of the rules: "Two minutes to come up with a poem, and it must involve Timbuktu." The clock started, and when the time was up the Harvard professor approached the microphone:

"On my way through desert sand
Met a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu."

The crowd went wild. Commentators were lyrical. This was without a doubt the best poem of the competition. The Harvard professor had done it again! But as the crowd settled down their spirits sank. As far as anyone knew, the pope had never been to Timbuktu, which was soon confirmed by the TV commentator. How could the pope have a personal spiritual experience with such a word?!

The elderly pope was walked to the stage and informed of the same rules: "Two minutes to come up with a poem, and it must involve Timbuktu." The clock was started, but after only a short thought the pope stopped it. Everybody in the competition had used all the provided time, and as the pope approached the microphone a sigh went through the audience. Was he withdrawing from the competition? Would it all end in anti-climax?

No, to everybody’s surprise the pope started to recite his poem based on personal spiritual experience:

"Me and Tim to Brisbane went
Met some ladies, cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one, and 'Tim-bucked-two.'"

[goat]

I've had it with health care professionals;

I went to get a massage (therapeutic, not the other kind you sick bastards) anyway it was a male masseuse and I thought, ah well, as long as he's good. He was. I was totally relaxed and unbelievably 'in the zone' so I asked him "is it normal to get an erection during a massage?"
He replied "oh yeah, happens all the time"
So I said "well, could you get it away from my face?"

Next I went to see my doctor for a check up. He tells me I've got to quit masturbating. I asked why, and he replied "because I'm trying to give you a check up."

[hblask]

Originally Posted by svmariane

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

The numbers in that one might need to be updated a bit That's not that far off for an MIT engineer...

[goat]

I just went to the zoo. There was only one animal there. A dog.
It's a Shitzu.

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by hblask

The numbers in that one might need to be updated a bit That's not that far off for an MIT engineer...

Yeah..... I see that now.

But I'm old, using an old computer (2005), and keep coming up with old websites.

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by svmariane

Yeah..... I see that now.

But I'm old, using an old computer (2005), and keep coming up with old websites.

Heh.
Close to where we are here.

Elderly Woman Relieved To Know She’s Tackled Last Technological Advancement Of Lifetime - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[Therapy]

"Doctor, will I live to see eighty?"

"Well that depends," replied the doctor. "Do you smoke tobacco or drink any alcohol?"

"Oh no," I said. "And I don't do drugs, either!"

"What about red meat?"

"Hardly any. I heard that red meat is very unhealthy, so I gave up eating steak."

"Do you spend much time in the sun? Playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or cycling?"

"No, I don't," I replied, starting to feel quite pleased with myself.

"Gambling? Driving fast cars? Lots of sex?"

"Nope."

"So why do you even care?"

[Therapy]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The blond replies…..“Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

[Pelagic]

They don't call it the "bitter end" for nothing

http://thechive.com/2015/11/24/so-a-...edium=facebook

[Emerald Sea]

A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is travelling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine. After several engagements the mathematician and his driver are having dinner and the driver says, "I've heard your speech so many times, I think I could give it word-for-word."
The mathematician accepts the challenge and they switch places for the next speech. The driver dresses like the mathematician and the mathematician dresses like the driver and sits in the back of the auditorium.

The driver gives the speech flawlessly and opens up the floor for questions - usually there are none. But one of the students at the university has a very large ego and decides to attempt to stump the Nobel Prize winner. After the student asks a long, complicated question, the driver laughs and says, "That question is so simple, I'll let my driver in the back answer it."


Steve
L450
SV Emerald Sea

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by a64pilot

Which brings another one.

Q. Why does a dog do that?



A. because he can

That also explains why dogs are always in a good mood and don't have to get married or divorced.

[senormechanico]

Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Chicago , when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking in fear.

"What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.

"No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicago . The people are crazy there, right? Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. I've worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you've lived and worked there all those years and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

[StuM]

Just got this in an email and had to share
(It's spelt the same way twice in the email, so it's not just a single typo)