The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

Me and the wife stopped at the services recently for some breakfast. We got two fry ups, two coffees and two jam doughnuts. I got to the cashier and I said, "I'm sorry, love, but I only have a £50 note."

"That's okay," she said, "just put the doughnuts back."

[socaldmax]

I've just been given two weeks to live.

The wife's gone away for a fortnight.

[socaldmax]

I said to my two-year-old son, "Now, what noise does a cat make?"

"Miaow!"

"Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?"

"Woof woof!"

"That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?"

"David, if you even think about going out to that bloody pub with your friends then you can forget about ever being let back in this house!"

That's my boy.

[socaldmax]

My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?"

I said, "Probably failing my driving test."

[socaldmax]

BBC News: Bad drivers to face £100 fines.

Seems a bit sexist.

[chris mac]

A priest and a nun are doing missionary work in the middle east. They are crossing the desert on a camel, when the camel falls over dead. They continue on foot and not surprisingly are soon close to death themselves.
They accept their fate and sit down.
The priest asks the nun if she has any regrets. She replies that she has never seen a man naked. He thinks about it and decides that God will be OK with it so strips down. She looks around and checks things out. After, she asks him the same question. His answer is having never seen a woman naked.So she decides fair is fair so strip down. He looks around and checks things out. After, they are both almost dead from dehydration when he says, "God's designs are amazing, if I were to stick this in there we could create life!"
The nun glared at him, crawls over and slaps him and says" then why the hell didn't you stick that in the camel!"

[Pelagic]

Definitely a Cat owner

[senormechanico]

Why I love newspapers...

[socaldmax]

Good luck getting today's paper out in the middle of nowhere.

[Therapy]

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
Lynn Lavner

[Therapy]

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

[socaldmax]

Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he can eat for a lifetime.


Give a man a weapon and he can rob a bank.

Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

[socaldmax]

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,

"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back and says "Doctor, I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent they stink terribly."

"Good" the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

[MBWhite]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

10 reasons why men are lazy:

1)

All wives say that but it is not true- if a man says he'll do something, he'll do it.

No reason to keep nagging him about it every 6 months or so.

[MBWhite]

What do you have after two days of pouring rain? Monday

Stole this one from another forum, I'm sure there are some that can still relate, and some here can say "Thank God not any more!"