The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by svmariane

socaldmax & svmariane meet in a bar...

Tall tales, non-pc comments, jokes and, in general, hot air arises whilst they are abay....


Questions for the forum:

What type anchor should they use to keep from drifting off topic?

What guns would serve to keep the the local denizens at bay?

Would pipe tobacco be allowed or only loaded with marijuana?

To remain seated, should they use 3-strand or double braid mooring line?

When the beer hits and it's time to make a head call, and considering that both are flying "difficult to maneuver" signals, who is the "stand on" and who is the "give way" drinker? Please quote exact colregs reference.

{With appropriate CF exceptions according to the "rule of tonnage".}

Would it be okay if the serving wench is Muslim?


Bonus points: What caliber hand gun is this woman holding?

Double bonus points if you initially thought: "WHAT hand gun?

Double minus score if you initially asked: "Why is there an image of a man's face imprinted near the top of her chador?"

I'm getting a very strong feeling of deja vu.

Have we met before?

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

I'm getting a very strong feeling of deja vu.

Have we met before?

I've never been there in my life....
And anyway, it was dark that night....
Besides that, it was two other people....

Who, me?

[Be Free]

"Even if you saw it yourself, you wouldn't believe,
And I wouldn't trust a person like me, if I were you
I wasn't there, I swear I have an alibi
I heard it from a man who knows a fellow who says it's true!"

Chorus of Johnny Tarr

[senormechanico]

A semiauto .45?

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by senormechanico

A semiauto .45?

It's a plastic blank of what looks to me like a Beretta M9.

And her boobs are fake too.

[El Pinguino]

July 4th
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)


Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

[socaldmax]

Between the candidates and the national debt, I'm halfway tempted to let her take a crack at it, especially since I'm almost finished with this case of Dos XX.

[fgd3]

Originally Posted by svmariane

Now 'fess up: How many of you originally thought that that joke was about a blonde WOMAN? Huh? Be honest - at least with yourself.

Of course it was. A blonde is a woman. Fair-haired men are blond.

Fabbian

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by fgd3

Of course it was. A blonde is a woman. Fair-haired men are blond.

Fabbian

Would you believe that the attendant in that joke (post 212) is a F2M transexual and now legally defined as male, however the lexicon of American-based English hasn't yet evolved to account for those type medical changes? Thus the spelling blonde?

Okay... That was a stretch, no?

On the other hand, I should (and do) bow to your superior knowledge of English and admit you've made a valid point. Another day, another bit of knowledge gleaned from CF.

Now, how do I edit that days-old post........

[waggy]

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gate when two guys wearing dark hooded sweatshirts, and sagging pants, arrive. St. Peter looked through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I'll be right back." St. Peter goes to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.

God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgemental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!" St. Peter goes back to the gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone."

The guys wearing hooded sweatshirt?" asked God. "No, the Pearly Gates".

[D&D]

Tom's scrotum...

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.



A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[D&D]

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighborhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few meters, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.
The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy"..

[D&D]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent."

[Saleen411]

Old couple having dinner in a country diner....

A patron over hears them talking about a romantic encounter they had behind the diner many years ago when they were young and spontaneous. The old man asks his wife if she would like to go out back and re live the old memory.

The patron is curious and surreptitiously follows them out back.

What he witnessed totally amazed him....the old lady was bent over the fence gyrating with extreme enthusiasm and screaming loudly. This went on for about 20 minutes!!!!

After, the old couple walks back into the diner, the patron couldn't help himself. He admits he spied on the old couple but with GREAT respect he told them he is overwhelmed and incredibly impressed by their passion and ardor....esp given the number of years they've been together.

The patron said.....THAT was truly, TRULY amazing.....I gotta know what your secret is.

The old man looked at the patron and said.....no secret....40 years ago that fence wasn't electrified!

[senormechanico]

Deja vu, or reposting old joke thread..?