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Old 02-08-2016, 16:39   #1426
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Therapy View Post
Not to drag it further off topic but wasn't there something about the FBI saying it was criminal and she should be indicted but they weren't going to do it.
???
Maybe you can find out and let us know the real scoop........
The F.B.I. director, James B. Comey, said that to warrant a criminal charge, there had to be evidence that Mrs. Clinton intentionally transmitted or willfully mishandled classified information. The F.B.I. found neither, and as a result, he said, “our judgment is that no reasonable prosecutor would bring such a case.”

Mr. Comey said the F.B.I. did not find that Mrs. Clinton’s conduct revealed “intentional misconduct or indications of disloyalty to the United States or efforts to obstruct justice.” But a person in her position, he said, “should have known that an unclassified system was no place” for the emails she was sending.

Whatever else it was, according to the FBI it wasn't criminal. There are other blogs where the subject gets delved deeply into.



So anyway, back to the jokes............................

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know....they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know....there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, dickhead? Drink your 'eff'ing beer in your frozen mug and eat your mother-eff'ing snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't 'eff'ing going anywhere! Got it, *******?'

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Old 02-08-2016, 17:04   #1427
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Ahh technicalities.
Like being married. It's very technical these days.
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Old 02-08-2016, 17:39   #1428
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Just clowning around....
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Old 02-08-2016, 18:03   #1429
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Re: The New Joke Thread

From this retired engineer to all the other engineers here on CF.

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:
- One chalk mark $1
- Knowing where to put it $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
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Old 02-08-2016, 19:26   #1430
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A guy wins the Florida PoweBall worth 300 million and buys a beach bar out on the keys where he serves 25 cents drinks, premium, top shelf and beer. Everything is 25 cents. Needless to say his bar is packed every day.

One afternoon, a customer sits at the bar and orders a beer noticing a group of people sitting at a table in the corner with no drinks and apparently waiting for something.

The guy asks the owner, “what’s the deal with the group of people in Hawaiian shirts in the corner not drinking?”

The owner replies, “Oh, those are cruisers, they are waiting for happy hour.”
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Old 02-08-2016, 20:06   #1431
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Little Johnny's father decided it was time for 14-year-old Little Johnny, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor. He introduces Little Johnny to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex. The madam says, "You've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally." So she takes Little Johnny by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering and Screws him very soundly. Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave. I'm going to give you a manicure." Two weeks later Little Johnny and his father run into the madam on the main street. Little Johnny is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Little Johnny, don't you remember me?" "Yes, Ma'am, " Little Johnny stammers, "you're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."
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Old 03-08-2016, 00:16   #1432
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The Bird Of Your Dreams.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their order, the man orders, “ a hamburger, fries and a coke”, and turns to the ostrich……”what’s yours?” “I’ll have the same replies the ostrich.
Returning with the meals the waitress says,” that’ll be $9.50 please”…
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.
The next day, same thing, and for the following week the man and ostrich frequent and order the same meal…and each time the man produced the exact amount
For the bill.
Considering it routine, the waitress welcomes them the following week with
“the usual?”…
“No, this time it’s a treat, so I’ll have steak, baked potatoes and salad” says the man.
“Yep, the same”, says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “that will be $32.62 thankyou”
Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the counter…………
The waitress cannot hold back her curiousity any longer,
“Excuse me sir, how do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time???”
“Well”, says the man, “several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes…………..
My first wish was that if ever I had to pay for something, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant”, says the waitress, “most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right,” says the man, “ whether it’s a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount is always there!”
The waitress had to ask, “ But sir, what's with the ostrich….??”
The man sighs, pauses and sheepishly replies…………………………
…………..
……………
………….
………….
…………“My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long, long legs who would agree with everything I said…..”
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Old 03-08-2016, 18:49   #1433
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 04-08-2016, 03:17   #1434
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
The F.B.I. director, James B. Comey, said that to warrant a criminal charge, there had to be evidence that Mrs. Clinton intentionally transmitted or willfully mishandled classified information. The F.B.I. found neither, and as a result, he said, “our judgment is that no reasonable prosecutor would bring such a case.”

Mr. Comey said the F.B.I. did not find that Mrs. Clinton’s conduct revealed “intentional misconduct or indications of disloyalty to the United States or efforts to obstruct justice.” But a person in her position, he said, “should have known that an unclassified system was no place” for the emails she was sending.

Whatever else it was, according to the FBI it wasn't criminal. There are other blogs where the subject gets delved deeply into.

Sorry to bring this back up, but I just can't let some of these misconceptions go uncorrected.

Classified material must be handled through secure servers and secure internet connections (SIPRNET). Hillary Clinton should have NEVER set up a private server to handle her email, she should have used State Dept. servers already in place to handle classified documents and if she wanted to discuss personal matters, she could use a personal, unsecured email server.

She lied to the FBI (which is a felony, it doesn't have to be under oath) about the number of missing emails, the number of classified emails (she said none, they found at least 110, it's suspected the classification markings had been removed from many more than that) and other questions she answered.

The reason James Comey spoke the way he did in that press conference was to outline exactly what Hillary did. He was told that she would not be prosecuted, so he revealed what the investigation discovered and let the public in on the big dirty secret that the Clintons are above the law, especially where his boss, Loretta Lynch is concerned.

It is not necessary to pass classified info to a foreign entity or have malicious intent - all that is required to be punished for mishandling classified documents is to leave them sitting out unattended on your desk, put them on an unsecured server, take them home, etc. Even if no one else ever sees them, the material has been mishandled and it must be reported to one's superiors.

There have been at least 10 other people who have been prosecuted for mishandling classified documents, 2 of them were State Dept. employees with far less than 110 documents. Many of them were military or defense dept. related personnel. None of them had malicious intent, those who do are prosecuted under espionage laws, not just mishandling classified materials.

An FBI source of mine told me that James Comey is a very honorable man, and could not stand idly by while Hillary got a free pass (he doesn't get to decide who gets prosecuted, he merely oversees the investigations, which are very narrow in focus.) That's why he spelled out all of her offenses and lies. However, the unofficial reason the DOJ did not want to pursue is because the Clintons have a net worth north of $200M, and the gov't simply didn't want to waste that amount or more to try to convict her.

As far as foreign entities seeing her emails, a Romanian hacker calling himself Guccifer 2.0 did hack her system, the Russian gov't gained access to the emails because they were monitoring him. China, North Korea and Germany also attempted to hack her email server, which was not all that well protected.

OK, back to jokes.




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Old 04-08-2016, 03:23   #1435
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I know a guy who is playing this stupid Pokemon game.








Here's what he caught, I told him to toss it back.
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Old 04-08-2016, 03:27   #1436
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Old 04-08-2016, 03:29   #1437
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 04-08-2016, 03:40   #1438
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
Sorry to bring this back up, but I just can't let some of these misconceptions go uncorrected.

Classified material must be handled through secure servers and secure internet connections (SIPRNET). Hillary Clinton should have NEVER set up a private server to handle her email, she should have used State Dept. servers already in place to handle classified documents and if she wanted to discuss personal matters, she could use a personal, unsecured email server.

She lied to the FBI (which is a felony, it doesn't have to be under oath) about the number of missing emails, the number of classified emails (she said none, they found at least 110, it's suspected the classification markings had been removed from many more than that) and other questions she answered.

The reason James Comey spoke the way he did in that press conference was to outline exactly what Hillary did. He was told that she would not be prosecuted, so he revealed what the investigation discovered and let the public in on the big dirty secret that the Clintons are above the law, especially where his boss, Loretta Lynch is concerned.

It is not necessary to pass classified info to a foreign entity or have malicious intent - all that is required to be punished for mishandling classified documents is to leave them sitting out unattended on your desk, put them on an unsecured server, take them home, etc. Even if no one else ever sees them, the material has been mishandled and it must be reported to one's superiors.

There have been at least 10 other people who have been prosecuted for mishandling classified documents, 2 of them were State Dept. employees with far less than 110 documents. Many of them were military or defense dept. related personnel. None of them had malicious intent, those who do are prosecuted under espionage laws, not just mishandling classified materials.

An FBI source of mine told me that James Comey is a very honorable man, and could not stand idly by while Hillary got a free pass (he doesn't get to decide who gets prosecuted, he merely oversees the investigations, which are very narrow in focus.) That's why he spelled out all of her offenses and lies. However, the unofficial reason the DOJ did not want to pursue is because the Clintons have a net worth north of $200M, and the gov't simply didn't want to waste that amount or more to try to convict her.

As far as foreign entities seeing her emails, a Romanian hacker calling himself Guccifer 2.0 did hack her system, the Russian gov't gained access to the emails because they were monitoring him. China, North Korea and Germany also attempted to hack her email server, which was not all that well protected.

OK, back to jokes.




Condoleezza Rice and Colin Powell handle their emails as secretary of state with the private server as well the joke is neither one of them were ever investigated
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Old 04-08-2016, 03:41   #1439
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 04-08-2016, 03:52   #1440
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Condoleezza Rice and Colin Powell handle their emails as secretary of state with the private server as well the joke is neither one of them were ever investigated
Actually, that's not quite accurate. Neither of them maintained private email servers in their homes. Both of them were sent emails to their private email accounts that were not classified at the time they were sent, but were later classified by the State Dept.

Those are both important distinctions to make.

Condoleezza Rice Aides, Colin Powell Also Got Classified Info on Personal Emails - NBC News

Quote:
State Department officials have determined that classified information was sent to the personal email accounts of former Secretary of State Colin Powell and the senior staff of former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, NBC News has learned.

In an interview with NBC News, Powell challenged the conclusion, saying nothing that went to his personal account was secret. A Rice spokeswoman said the emails were about diplomatic communications.

In a letter to Undersecretary of State Patrick Kennedy dated Feb. 3, State Department Inspector General Steve Linick said that the State Department has determined that 12 emails examined from State's archives contained national security information now classified "Secret" or "Confidential." The letter was obtained by NBC News.

Two of the messages were sent to Powell's personal account, and 10 were sent to personal accounts of Rice's senior aides, the letter said.

None of the messages were marked classified when originally sent, and none were determined to include information from the intelligence community, Linick said in the document.

Powell told NBC News he strongly disputed that the information in the messages sent to him was classified, and characterized the contents as "fairly minor."

"I wish they would release them," Powell said, "so that a normal, air-breathing mammal would look at them and say, 'What's the issue?'"

Powell said he has read the two messages in question, having been made aware of the letter. The messages originated with ambassadors -- one in the Philippines, the other in Europe. He said they were first circulated on unclassified State Department systems, and sent to his personal account by his assistant.

"They were unclassified at the time, and they are, in my judgment, still unclassified," he said.


Powell, who served as secretary from 2001 to 2005, said he used a personal email account because State's email system was slow and cumbersome. Powell is credited with modernizing State's computer infrastructure, which did not at the time allow each employee to have the internet at their desks.

"State's system at the time was inadequate," he said.

But, he added, "I did not use my email account for any classified matters because I had a classified computer on my desk."
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