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Old 16-07-2016, 09:03   #1396
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A math/engineering convention was being held. On the train to the convention, there were a bunch of math majors and a bunch of engineering majors. Each of the math majors had his/her train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The math majors started laughing and snickering.

Then, one of the engineers said "here comes the conductor" and then all of the engineers went into the bathroom. The math majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard and said "tickets please" and got tickets from all the math majors.

He then went to the bathroom and knocked on the door and said "ticket please" and the engineers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and then the engineers came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. The math majors felt really stupid.

So, on the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had one ticket for the group. They started snickering at the engineers, for the whole group had no tickets amongst them. Then, the engineer lookout said "Conductor coming!". All the engineers went to one bathroom. All the math majors went to another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said "ticket please."
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Old 16-07-2016, 09:43   #1397
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Engineers and mathematicians? I can do that.

A sociologist was studying the difference between the two, and tried an experiment:

He put an engineer and a mathematician (both males, because they're more easily influenced) on one side of a large room, and an attractive young woman on the other side. He told the two that they could walk towards the young woman, but that they had to first cover half of the distance, then half of the remaining distance, and so on.

The engineer immediately started across the room, while the mathematician just stood there smoking his pipe and chuckling to himself. The sociologist asked why he wasn't going anywhere, and he explained "any fool knows that with a progression like that you can never actually get there."

The sociologist caught up to the engineer and pointed this out to him. The engineer replied "Of course I know that, but I also know that I can get close enough for all practical purposes."
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Old 24-07-2016, 12:06   #1398
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Re: The New Joke Thread

You just can't get good help these days

Took my east european cleaner 9 hours to do my stairs,turns out she was a Slovak.
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Old 24-07-2016, 15:53   #1399
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Re: The New Joke Thread

One night, after Boudreaux and Marie had retired for the night, Marie became aware that her husband Boudreaux was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

'Mais Oui.' moaned Marie.

Boudreaux continued on, gently feeling Marie's hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time Marie was becoming more aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

Boudreaux stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

'Why you stoppin' cher?' Marie whispered.

Boudreaux whispered back, 'I found da TV remote.'
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Old 24-07-2016, 15:59   #1400
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Boudreaux and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Boudreaux headed home frustrated and depressed.

Friday afternoon when Boudreaux's buddies arrived at the camp on Bayou deCade, they were shocked to see Boudreaux. He was already sitting on the dock with a cold beer, feet propped up on his ice chest, fishing rod in hand, and a fire glowing on the BBQ pit. "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Boudreaux?"

"I didn't have to," Boudreaux replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me, covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."

"When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'..... So, Here I am!"
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Old 24-07-2016, 16:54   #1401
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Ole & Lena - so clean & innocent

Ole & Lena were the most lovely, decent and cleanly spoken couple in the village. So clean spoken they couldn't utter the words for sex. They decided that when their animal instincts would arise, they called making love "doing the laundry". One night Ole can in from the bar, his passions burning. He gave sleeping Lena a soft kiss, got into bed and said "Lena, The thoughts of you just make me so hot, honey let's you and me go do the laundry". Lena replied "oh honey I wish I could but you know I got to go to work at five in the a.m." And she rolled over and went to sleep. Two hours later Ole woke up again with THE burning desire, his embers again roaring on fire. This time he nibbled her ear , gentler squeezed her breast and caressed her supple buttocks. Before he could say anything about "doing da laundry"; she rolled over gave him a quick kiss and said " I'd love to do da laundry, but you know I got to go to work at 5 a.m.". They both fell asleep. Then Lena's internal alarm clock woke up 30 minutes before her real alarm clock (for going to work) and she was feeling sorry for having turned Ole down. She nibbled in his ear and said "Ole, m it's OK let's you and me go do the laundry". To which he replied that's so nice of you but it was a small load so I did it by hand
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Old 25-07-2016, 09:55   #1402
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 26-07-2016, 15:54   #1403
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling the production of all Humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.

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63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed…
The police are blaming AL IKEA .


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Jamie Oliver has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Oliver says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.


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Police stopped a Pakistani in his transit van on the motorway.
Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?"
The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that........3 of you have got to get out!"


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Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them..
"Bollocks to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"


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Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year".
Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."


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My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.


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Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.


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I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

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Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.


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A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.......


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Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots......
Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.


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Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both are in hospital...... One's in a korma....... The other's got a dodgy tikka


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In the first few days of the Olympics, eastern Europeans took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.


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An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making Land Mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!

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A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, never mind the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?
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Old 28-07-2016, 06:48   #1404
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I wanted to make my own duck feather pillow, so I could be totally hip with the times. As it turns out though, I don't know how to get down.
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Old 28-07-2016, 07:08   #1405
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by CharlzO View Post
I wanted to make my own duck feather pillow, so I could be totally hip with the times. As it turns out though, I don't know how to get down.
This goes into my hit parade. Thanks!
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Old 28-07-2016, 07:19   #1406
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Re: The New Joke Thread

When I was a kid, I went to my Mom and asked for a dollar, for being good all week. She said "why can't you be more like your father and be good-for-nothing?"
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Old 30-07-2016, 18:22   #1407
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A gas station in Abbeville was trying to increase its sales, so the owner, Broussard, put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up".

Soon Boudreaux pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex..

Broussard told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Boudreaux then guessed 8, and Broussard said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, Boudreaux, along with a buddy, Thibadeaux, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. Broussard again gave Boudreaux the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Boudreaux guessed 2 this time. Again Broussard said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, Thibadeaux said to Boudreaux, "I tank dat game is rigged and he don't really give away no free sex."

Boudreaux replied, "No it ain't, Thibadeaux. It ain't rigged ----- da wife, Marie, won twice last week.
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Old 30-07-2016, 18:41   #1408
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are driving down a back road in the Louisiana bayou.

A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lord a' mighty," says Boudreaux , "my three favorite things!"
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Old 30-07-2016, 18:45   #1409
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Punctuation counts!

And so does "The Count". This clip may require adult permission to watch, depending on your location. Deemed kinky by some, me guesses.




Okay... sort'a silly, but it's raining outside and, you know......
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Old 31-07-2016, 03:22   #1410
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Never had kids so missed out on Sesame..... I loved it!...
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