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Old 15-06-2016, 21:18   #1366
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Re: The New Joke Thread

******* WARNING *******

***********************************************

If you get an email titled "nude photos of Melania Trump", don't open it.

It could contain a virus.

************************************************

If you get an email titled "nude photos of Ivanka Trump", don't open it.

It could contain a virus.

***********************************************

If you get an email titled "nude photos of Hillary Clinton", don't open it.

It could contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.

***********************************************
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Old 22-06-2016, 18:54   #1367
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A Surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said. She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, Doctor?"

The Surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the young lady.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
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Old 22-06-2016, 18:58   #1368
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, I brought ten apples. The king then explained, Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten. The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed. The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed. Later on the first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it! The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.

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Old 22-06-2016, 19:18   #1369
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Oh svmariane, the last one gave me a good belly laugh!
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Old 22-06-2016, 20:31   #1370
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Re: The New Joke Thread

How do you think the unthinkable?



Stheer into an itheberg.


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Old 23-06-2016, 02:42   #1371
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Thteer?
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Old 23-06-2016, 05:59   #1372
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I just type what the spell-checker tells me to.



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Old 23-06-2016, 06:01   #1373
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Or maybe the thpell-checker.


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Old 23-06-2016, 10:32   #1374
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Time to get out a classic...

https://youtu.be/gmOTpIVxji8


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Old 23-06-2016, 15:25   #1375
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Re: The New Joke Thread

True story!

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Old 23-06-2016, 15:35   #1376
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Aussie beer commercial...


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Old 23-06-2016, 16:58   #1377
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Re: The New Joke Thread

History in the making...

Click image for larger version

Name:	<a title=history.jpg Views: 256 Size: 33.9 KB ID: 126766" style="margin: 2px" />

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Old 24-06-2016, 17:16   #1378
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Re: The New Joke Thread

For all the older sailors (like our Captain! ) out there on CF...

In His Wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His Wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things
requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.
And God looked down and saw that it was good

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good


So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remem0ber it’s God’s will. It is all in your best
interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts to Remember as You Grow Older


#9
Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8
Life is sexually transmitted.

#7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which
one can die.


#6
Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they
can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a
person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for
weeks, months, maybe years.

#4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the
hospital, dying of nothing.

#3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.


#2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it
normal.


#1
Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today
may be a burning issue tomorrow.
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Old 24-06-2016, 17:17   #1379
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Re: The New Joke Thread

How Politics Works...

I told my son "I want you to marry a girl of my choice!"
He said "NO!"
I told him its Bill Gates daughter!!!!
He said "OKAY!"


I got in contact with Bill Gates & told him "I want your daughter to marry my son!"
He said "NO!"
I told him my son was the CEO of the World Bank!
He said "OKAY!"


I went to the President of the World Bank & told him to make my son CEO of the Bank!
He said "NO!"
I told him my son was Bill Gates Son in Law!
He said "OKAY!"

*That’s Exactly how Politics works….*
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Old 25-06-2016, 17:48   #1380
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I know and still use some of the old words and sayings.
Let’s take a brief trip down memory lane, where I know each of you geezers will
recognize all, or almost all, of these great old phrases and figures of speech.

Would you recognize the word Murgatroyd? - Heavens to Murgatroyd!
Lost Words from our childhood: Words gone as fast as the buggy whip! Sad
really!

The other day, a not so elderly (65) lady said something to her son about
driving a Jalopy and he looked at her quizzically and said what the heck is
a jalopy? OMG (new phrase!) - he had never heard of the word jalopy!
She knew she was old but not that old.

Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.

What follows is by Richard Lederer (unknown to me).

About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become
obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases
included "Don't touch that dial," "Carbon copy," "You sound like a broken
record" and "Hung out to dry."

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We'd put on our best bib and
tucker to straighten up and fly right - Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers!
Jumping Jehoshaphat! Holy moley! We were in like Flynn and living the life
of Riley and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead, a
nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell but when's the last time
anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the
D.A, of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal
pushers. Oh, my aching back. Kilroy was here but he isn't anymore.

We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap and before we can say,
well I'll be a monkey's uncle!/This is a fine kettle of fish! -
We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed
omnipresent as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues
and our pens and our keyboards.

Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind. We blink and
they're gone. Where have all those phrases gone?

Long gone: Pshaw/The milkman did it/Hey! It's your nickel. Don't forget
to pull the chain/Knee high to a grasshopper. Well, Fiddlesticks! Going
like sixty. I'll see you in the funny papers. Don't take any wooden
nickels/Heavens to Murgatroyd!

It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter
has liver pills. This can be disturbing stuff! We of a certain age have
been blessed to live in changeful times. For a child each new word is like
a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the
chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that
once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon
the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective
memory. It's one of the greatest advantages of aging.

See ya later, alligator!
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