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Old 14-06-2016, 07:32   #1351
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Meanwhile, back to jokes:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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Old 14-06-2016, 07:33   #1352
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
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Old 14-06-2016, 08:11   #1353
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by El Pinguino View Post
Silly old me... I always thought the first heart transplant was done by a South African team.
The way the sentence was written might have thrown it off a little, but was that we did the liver, and then other countries followed with other organs after we started the trend, I think?

I wanted to contribute to the joke thread, but the only joke I saw this morning was when I looked in the mirror
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Old 14-06-2016, 08:25   #1354
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Re: The New Joke Thread




Two people are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea.

"What's this?" asked the skipper, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"

"No," explained his crew, "It's just a little wave."
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Old 14-06-2016, 08:26   #1355
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Re: The New Joke Thread

As a result of a near mutiny the overbearing and arrogant captain was forced to see a psychiatrist by order of the commodore. As soon as the captain became comfortable on the couch, the psychiatrist began the session by asking the captain, "Why don't you start at the beginning?" The captain said, “Okay. In the beginning I created
heaven and the earth...”
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Old 14-06-2016, 08:28   #1356
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Re: The New Joke Thread

3.14% of Sailors are Pi Rates.



Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels!



What's a pirate's favorite letter?

You may think it's the RRRRR, but it's the C that they're in love with! Aye.



How much did the pirate pay for his piercings?

A buck-an-ear!



Why do young pirates always fail when saying the alphabet in kindergarten?

Because their fathers insist that there are seven Cs!!!!



What takes a pirate 30 minutes but only lasts for 2?

An ARRRRgasm!



Why is pirating addictive?

They say once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked!



How does a pirate get his mast up?

He uses a wench!



What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck!



What does a Dyslexic Pirate Say?

RRAAAAAAAAAAA!



How does a pirate tell his wench he wants to have sex?

Drop yer sails and prepare t' be boarded!
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Old 14-06-2016, 17:26   #1357
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by sailorboy1 View Post
Meanwhile, back to jokes:
Good call!


Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by. One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'

The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!

One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers....

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times.

Determined to prove them wrong, he did it.

Then they all said in unison, 'You're 87-years-old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess my age?'

Slapping their knees, high-fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed.....'We were at your birthday party yesterday.'
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Old 14-06-2016, 19:03   #1358
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Jokes, you say? Okey-Dokey....

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Puddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$ 150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.
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Old 14-06-2016, 19:15   #1359
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.



True to his word, he made the first contact: " Marion ..... Marion "



"Is that you, Bob?"



"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."



"That's wonderful! What's it like?"



"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"



"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"



"No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona .
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Old 14-06-2016, 19:17   #1360
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A frustrated housewife bought a new pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to arouse her husband and spice up their dead sex life. After cooking his favourite meal for dinner one evening, she had put them on under a revealing short skirt and relaxed with a glass of wine on the sofa directly across from where her husband was sitting in his chair.



After several more glasses of wine and at what she thought was the appropriate moment, she uncrossed her legs just wide enough so that her husband could catch a revealing view. It wasn't long before his eyes focused on the prize and he asked,




" Are you wearing crotchless panties?"


" Y -e-s," She answered coyly with a seductive smile.

" Thank God!" he said," I thought you were sitting on the cat."
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Old 14-06-2016, 19:20   #1361
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Australian foreplay..
'Brace yourself, sheila!!'

Kiwi foreplay..
'You awake???'
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Old 14-06-2016, 20:24   #1362
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Jewish foreplay - 4 hrs of begging climaxing with a trip to Cartier.
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Old 14-06-2016, 20:33   #1363
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Hugh Hefner foreplay - "Hi, I'm Hugh. Ever do any modeling?"

Bill Cosby foreplay - "Here, let me get you a drink."

Millennial's foreplay - <wiping snot from his nose with his sleeve> "Check it! You got a bangin bod! Wanna hook up?"

Senior citizen foreplay - "Horace, when did you take that blue pill?"
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Old 14-06-2016, 20:41   #1364
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Woody Allen foreplay - "It's OK, you're adopted..."
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Old 15-06-2016, 21:00   #1365
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Re: The New Joke Thread

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Do you know why he couldn't kill her ???


















Because you can't kill Two Birds with OneStone !!!
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