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Old 10-06-2016, 13:36   #1336
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He marches straight up to the desk sits down and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a job".

The social worker behind the desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur -bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $100,000 a year."

The guy says, "You're bullsh*tting me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
"How could you tell?" says the guy.
"Your Bernie Sanders shirt was my first clue."
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Old 10-06-2016, 14:59   #1337
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Why did the wife of the sailor get a tattoo of a sea shell on her thigh?





So her husband could put his ear to it and smell the ocean.

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Old 10-06-2016, 15:54   #1338
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Re: The New Joke Thread

What do Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?

They both come while you are sleeping.
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Old 10-06-2016, 18:50   #1339
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Did you hear they finally found out what killed Michael Jackson! It was food poisoning...



From eating 10 year old weiners
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Old 10-06-2016, 19:26   #1340
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So you visit the Doctor and along comes the bill with misc. charges.
You think: "WHAT is THAT charge all about? Or THIS one, for Pete's sake?"

Here's a humorous rift on reciprocity: A billing for "Patient Services".

Dear Doctor,

I received your message stating that you were unhappy and confused with the bill you received from me for my patient services. I apologize for the inconvenience and I understand that, as a doctor, you may not be used to receiving a bill from patients.

I know your first question is: “Why did I get a bill?” I know! I paid my co-pay so why would you get a bill? If you sign on to my website you will see that, as my doctor, you are subject to my patient services bill. Simply navigate to the “benefits” page, watch my short video introduction then use your social security number to e-sign the waiver. There you will see it clearly states that my services as a patient come at a fee. It is your responsibility to check before appointments to see if there will be a bill.



Except quoted under the Fair Use doctrine.
For the full article follow the link: A Breakdown of Fees for My Patient Services
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Old 10-06-2016, 20:45   #1341
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Re: The New Joke Thread

^^^^^

good one. Thanks for the link.

Ann
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Old 11-06-2016, 20:34   #1342
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jacknast View Post
Why did the wife of the sailor get a tattoo of a sea shell on her thigh?





So her husband could put his ear to it and smell the ocean.

Now that's funny. Gross, but funny.

However may I suggest to you trying to meet a higher class of woman.
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Old 11-06-2016, 21:58   #1343
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by ontherocks83 View Post
Now that's funny. Gross, but funny.

However may I suggest to you trying to meet a higher class of woman.
I think you mean cleaner class..... no offense to those cruising without a shower on board.
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Old 12-06-2016, 17:12   #1344
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Some suggest this is British humor......



I saw my mate Albert this morning, he's only got one
arm bless him.
I shouted - "Where you off to Albert?"
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then
said, "That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"
"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt,
you insensitive bastard."


------------------------------------------------------------


I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My
next crap could spell disaster.


------------------------------------------------------------


The wife's back on the warpath again.
She was up for making a home video last night and
all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.


------------------------------------------------------------

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens
airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?
"No, just here for a few days."


------------------------------------------------------------


As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a
Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm
not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through
his teeth and mutters,
"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."


------------------------------------------------------------


I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last
night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.


------------------------------------------------------------


After both suffering from depression for a while, me
and the missus were going to commit suicide together
yesterday.
Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I
started to feel a lot better.
So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.


------------------------------------------------------------


I woke up this morning at 8am and could sense
something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the
kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered - the local cafe serves breakfast
until 11.30.


------------------------------------------------------------


"Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.


------------------------------------------------------------


I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the
night and noticed a burgler sneaking through next door's
garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked
him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly. He
then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said,
"That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."


------------------------------------------------------------


A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force.
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications
all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test
that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the
desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal
immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a
rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?




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Old 12-06-2016, 17:53   #1345
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl & some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.



A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.



Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough', more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, & gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.



At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her 10 dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.



When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed & asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.



The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."



"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"



The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the drywall."
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Old 13-06-2016, 15:25   #1346
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Re: The New Joke Thread

^^^ "The little girl replied..."

Totally unexpected twist! Good one!
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Old 13-06-2016, 21:19   #1347
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So we were at the bar one night and George was ruminating about world problems and such. Then he shared some thoughts with us. He was saying:

"There's that special quality in Americans. That pioneering spirit which throughout years has pushed them that extra mile to achieve the incredible. Americans are heroes - all of them. And I'll tell you why Americans are heroes: they don't waste time overthinking things. Do you honestly think that any other country could put a man on the moon? Of course not. That is a stupid thing to do. Only America could pull that off. Because only America would then send his friend up a few years later with a set of golf clubs so he could whack a few balls around up there. It makes complete sense, if you don't really think about it. But still... America put people on the moon and brought them home again - and more than 45 years later nobody else has even tried.

So what was the point? I don't know. Maybe like a pioneer just wanting to see what's on the other side of a mountain. Others would follow. Or an American doctor performing the first human liver transplant that was then followed by other doctors in other countries who did human kidney and then even a human heart transplant. Americans do things others don't even consider because Americans don't overthink it. It's like hey... here's an idea - let's give it a go. See what happens. Why? Well why not? We're Americans. It's what we do."




Waiting for the punch line? Here: Because of American enterprise and risk-it-all pioneering spirit the world is a better place, and America get's denigrated for it. What a joke, huh?
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Old 14-06-2016, 01:22   #1348
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Sir Ernest Rutherford. He developed the technology that the rest of the world turned into a weapon. And he was a Kiwi, a country now free of nuclear weapons, propulsion and generation systems.
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Old 14-06-2016, 04:41   #1349
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Sir Ernest Rutherford. He developed the technology that the rest of the world turned into a weapon. And he was a Kiwi, a country now free of nuclear weapons, propulsion and generation systems.
What's the punch line?

(Wrong thread?)
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Old 14-06-2016, 06:36   #1350
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
So we were at the bar one night and George was ruminating about world problems and such. Then he shared some thoughts with us. He was saying:

"There's that special quality in Americans. That pioneering spirit which throughout years has pushed them that extra mile to achieve the incredible. Americans are heroes - all of them. And I'll tell you why Americans are heroes: they don't waste time overthinking things. Do you honestly think that any other country could put a man on the moon? Of course not. That is a stupid thing to do. Only America could pull that off. Because only America would then send his friend up a few years later with a set of golf clubs so he could whack a few balls around up there. It makes complete sense, if you don't really think about it. But still... America put people on the moon and brought them home again - and more than 45 years later nobody else has even tried.

So what was the point? I don't know. Maybe like a pioneer just wanting to see what's on the other side of a mountain. Others would follow. Or an American doctor performing the first human liver transplant that was then followed by other doctors in other countries who did human kidney and then even a human heart transplant. Americans do things others don't even consider because Americans don't overthink it. It's like hey... here's an idea - let's give it a go. See what happens. Why? Well why not? We're Americans. It's what we do."




Waiting for the punch line? Here: Because of American enterprise and risk-it-all pioneering spirit the world is a better place, and America get's denigrated for it. What a joke, huh?
Silly old me... I always thought the first heart transplant was done by a South African team.

Mind you the US did give us Microsoft......
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