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Old 16-06-2015, 20:41   #121
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

Steven, a seasoned yet playful heartthrob, noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00... on one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was.

Steven replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....



"Clean my house."


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Old 17-06-2015, 05:33   #122
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The three golden rules for old blokes.
1/ Never walk past a public urinal.
2/ Never trust a fart.
3/ Never waste an erection.
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Old 17-06-2015, 05:34   #123
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Re: The New Joke Thread

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "she's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I want to go to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes drilled for that."
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Old 17-06-2015, 16:36   #124
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by El Pinguino View Post
The three golden rules for old blokes.
1/ Never walk past a public urinal.
2/ Never trust a fart.
3/ Never waste an erection.
Never mix sedatives & laxatives...
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Old 17-06-2015, 17:07   #125
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by D&D View Post
Never mix sedatives & laxatives...
Never mix Viagra and a laxative....
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Old 17-06-2015, 19:13   #126
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Never mix Viagra and a laxative....

Apparently two have tried it


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Old 17-06-2015, 20:39   #127
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Don King on Viagra.


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Old 19-06-2015, 20:12   #128
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Re: The New Joke Thread

What follows is a blatantly stolen joke, and you will be penalized the sum of not less than 50 Euros if you continue to read. 100 Euros if you laugh.

Old Blue was a good dog who lived at the pub on the corner. He was very popular with all the regulars, always greeting them as they entered and escorting them to their favorite stool or table then quietly laying in his favorite corner until it was time to bid farewell to everybody.

After a long and happy life Old Blue passed away, much to the sadness of the publican and the clientele. They had a bit of a discussion concerning the most appropriate way to remember such a wonderful dog and decided that they would keep his tail and hang it on the wall above Blue’s favorite resting place.

Old Blue made it as far as The Pearly Gates and met Saint Peter. "Ah Blue," the Saint greeted him, "We’ve been expecting you but where is your tail? I’m very sorry but you’re not allowed into Heaven unless you’re physically intact." Blue explained where his tail had gone but Saint Peter was adamant. "Sorry Blue, you’ll have to go back and get it." he instructed.

So Old Blue went back down to the pub and, considerate dog that he was, waited outside until after closing time rather than risk scaring the drinkers. When the last one had left he slipped inside and found his former master who was, as you would expect, very surprised but none-the-less very pleased to see the faithful dog.

"What are you doing here?" he asked whereupon Blue told him what Saint Peter had said and asked for his tail back. The Publican replied. "I would love to help you of course Blue, but I can’t. You know I would lose my licence if I was caught re-tailing spirits after hours."
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Old 19-06-2015, 20:18   #129
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A harp seal goes into a bar.

"What’ll ya have?" asks the bartender.

The seal thinks for a minute and says, "I’ll take anything, as long as it’s not a Canadian Club."
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Old 19-06-2015, 20:28   #130
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Re: The New Joke Thread

An American walks into an ancient, filthy and decrepit pub somewhere in Belfast. The pub is full of ancient filthy and decrepit drinkers who sit about and say f**k all for long periods of time.

The newcomer sits down, gets a pint, and is wondering where the legendary Irish craic and wit is, when suddenly one of the sodden up and says "TWENTY FECKING SEVEN!"

With this, the entire bar bursts into raucous laughter, which then dies back down to utter silence.

Near the end of the American’s pint, another geezer grabs his cane, stands up, sways, and bellows "FORTY FECKING TWO!" which provokes another pub-wide roar of laughter.

The Yankee asks the bartender what’s up, and the bartender says "well now these old blodgers, they’ve been coming here so long they’ve heard and told all the jokes a thousand times. They’ve given each joke a number, see, and so instead of having to work through the entire joke, they just say the number."

The Yankee finishes his pint, stands up, and yells "NINETY-EIGHT!" at the top of his lungs. There is dead silence in the pub. None of the wizened Irish drinkers even looks up.

"Wha?" asks the Yankee to nobody in particular.

Then an old coot pipes up. "There’s them that can tell a joke…and them that can’t."
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Old 19-06-2015, 20:34   #131
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Did you ever wonder....

If we use skiing gear to so as to better ski,

And snorkeling gear so as to better snorkel.....

Then why when moored do we proudly use chaffing gear?





Think about it....
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Old 19-06-2015, 20:48   #132
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So my favorite website kept reminding me to change my password....

And I needed a password eight characters long....

So I picked "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves".
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Old 19-06-2015, 21:54   #133
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Re: The New Joke Thread

"A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!"

Recently, archaeologists peeled back a parking lot to excavate a skeleton which was among buried relics of the Greyfriars Friary in Leicester, England, long the reputed burial site of Richard III. {Died: 1485 during battle against the Tudors, ending England's War of the Roses.}

Within the stone sarcophagus and atop the skeleton lay a beautifully preserved parchment, carefully rolled and wrapped in oil-soaked lambskin. Under laboratory conditions, a team of scientists from the University of Leicester meticulously unwrapped and exposed this historical written record of from England's turbulent times and reported the results in the journal Nature Communications. The document read:

***
A man dost walk into a bar and ye barman sayeth unto himme "be you a pole vaulter?"

Ye man replieth "no I be German but how didst ye know my name wast Walter.?"

***

Thus offering conclusive proof that most bar jokes are actually pretty old.

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Old 19-06-2015, 21:54   #134
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Re: The New Joke Thread

"Now is the winter of our discontent..."

Time spent researching, developing, then drafting that complete concept for a brand new bar joke: 45 mins. Number of beers consumed during the process: 2.

Conclusion: I really need to cast off the bow lines..... etc.
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Old 19-06-2015, 22:03   #135
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My wife and I have been partners for twenty something years...
Sailed together through storms and calms...
Had our ups & downs during the relationship - stuff happens...
So now that I'm retired I offered to be my wife's sexual adviser....
She said O.K., when I want your effing advice I'll ask for it.
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