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Old 30-05-2016, 18:56   #1321
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My Travel Plans For 2016

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots.

Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.


I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.


I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.


Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense ! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age, I need all the stimuli I can get

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country that was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.
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Old 30-05-2016, 19:38   #1322
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My wife says I'm in Sensitive, but I still insist I'm in the USA.
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Old 31-05-2016, 22:41   #1323
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So we're at the bar and Georgina is holding court. You remember... George's ex? Mentioned her before. Anyway, she's telling us that "women support other women when it really counts... they have each other's backs when it really counts... like when they go to the bathroom together.

You want to know what's going on in there? There's one girl having a bad night, okay? And there's a bunch of girls who maybe have never met each other in their lives and they're like soldiers at war nursing each other's wounds.

So like maybe one girl is on the floor and another is like 'pull those spanxs up, someone get a plaster for that high heel's blister; her eyebrow just melted off we got to get a sharpie to draw that **** back on. Alright, someone get some superglue for those eyelashes and those extensions that just fell out; someone get a stapler to staple that horsehair back on her wig.'

Then when they've pulled her together one will give her the pet talk, like 'Now bitch you wipe the tears off your tits and you listen to me right now. You're going to go back out there and put a smile on your face and pretend he's interesting. Now GO!'

You think women wear high heels because they're comfortable? Put all those poisonous chemical concoctions called makeup on their faces because they want to impress other women? Hell, no. It's war. Battle of the sexes - and prisoners are marked with a gold ring on the third finger of the left hand."


Anyway, that's what Georgina was saying....

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Old 01-06-2016, 01:38   #1324
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Miss-SOD-gin-istic?
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Old 02-06-2016, 15:14   #1325
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Re: The New Joke Thread

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry, and howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
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Old 02-06-2016, 17:27   #1326
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Re: The New Joke Thread

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
SharonStone

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex,
no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams


"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than
they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where,
of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions
to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing.
Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
Elmo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
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Old 02-06-2016, 17:30   #1327
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pelagic View Post
Miss-SOD-gin-istic?
Too edgy? Well, most of that spiel came from a stage performance by a female comic. I just fleshed out a few parts by making somewhat coherent sentences from her short phrases.
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Old 02-06-2016, 19:39   #1328
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Re: The New Joke Thread

An Asian lady was trying to exchange yen for dollars and it was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, ‘Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?’

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, ‘Fluctuations.’

The Asian lady says, ‘Fluc you white people too!’
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Old 04-06-2016, 23:56   #1329
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A bit dated, but anyway...


Jacques Chirac is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented Irish voice said. "This is Paddy O'Reilly down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!"! says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor." Chirac scoffs, amused; "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we all had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and we decided there is no way we could feed 200,000 prisoners!"
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Old 05-06-2016, 17:09   #1330
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Re: The New Joke Thread

#Meanwhile in nostalgia-land....

Doctor to patient:
"No, young lady, you don't have the Asian Flu.
You have the Egyptian Flu...
You're going to be a mummy."
****
This city-slicker stops at a farm where an old man is milking a cow, just a pulling and a squeezing. City dude ask the old man if he knows what time it is. The old man stops pulling and a squeezing and instead starts lifting and balancing them things and then says it's about five after four. City dude wants to know how the old man can tell the time just by doing that with the cow. Old man replies that if he lifts them out of the way just so, then he can see the clock over there on the wall.
****

(short pause for the groans to cease......)

****
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Old 05-06-2016, 17:13   #1331
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life." The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right." The reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?" The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:


U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
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Old 06-06-2016, 23:14   #1332
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Click image for larger version

Name:	faith.jpg
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ID:	125680

Just sayin...
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Old 08-06-2016, 22:23   #1333
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Re: The New Joke Thread

News Break: WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE

What an interesting turn of events in Pahrump, Nevada...
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building
to increase their ever-growing business.
In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the
business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer
sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand
re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the
ground!
After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the
church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power
of prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the
church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the
church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and
her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or
means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied
any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit.
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Old 10-06-2016, 03:50   #1334
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Re: The New Joke Thread

https://gcaptain.com/watch-how-to-launch-like-a-boss/
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Old 10-06-2016, 07:59   #1335
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pelagic View Post
Saw this last night. Not quite as good as the docking one, in my opinion, but still entertaining.
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