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Old 11-05-2016, 13:36   #1291
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Three catamaran owners finish up a hard day of work and walk into a bar. They do the same the next day. And the day after that. On the fourth day, they duck.
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Old 11-05-2016, 13:37   #1292
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.”
The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.”
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Old 11-05-2016, 13:40   #1293
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''
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Old 12-05-2016, 14:40   #1294
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Apple computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play Hi Fi music in womenís Breast implants.



The iTit will cost between $499 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.



This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.

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Old 13-05-2016, 22:16   #1295
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Re: The New Joke Thread

#MeanwhileInCyberspace.... Random chat found on the internet {Definitely NOT something like you might ever see here: Why Climate Change Won't Matter in 20 Years }

Kitty the Kat8 months ago
I'm 22....and have way more in common with the "30 year olds"

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Steve Knight7 months ago
+Kitty the Kat Wow. You're so mature. I can hardly stand it.

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Kitty the Kat7 months ago
+Steve Knight why must you be so snarky...just have a nice glass of wine, watch Brigit Jones Diary and chill out

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Steve Knight7 months ago
+Kitty the Kat I am doing a public service. You must understand.

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Kitty the Kat7 months ago
+Steve Knight surely not my good sir. In order to properly service the public one must maintain an air of positivity, and not give in to rudeness on the internet. Today, I have fallen short of this goal. However there is always tomorrow and tomorrow is a new day, fresh, with no mistakes in it yet

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Steve Knight7 months ago (edited)
...yet

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Kitty the Kat7 months ago
+Steve Knight ...

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Steve Knight7 months ago
+Kitty the Kat I can tell you are desperately in love with me, and I am doing my best to let you down easy. Please do not make this more difficult for me than it already is. Lets do our best to remember the good times and move on.

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Kitty the Kat7 months ago
+Steve Knight stop...no....come back

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Seaghan4 months ago
+Kitty the Kat Take it he didn't?
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Old 14-05-2016, 00:03   #1296
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Re: The New Joke Thread

What do you call a black guy who flies airplanes?

















A pilot, you 'effing racist.
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Old 14-05-2016, 00:04   #1297
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

"HUSBAND WANTED!

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON."

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?

Just look at you . . . you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
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Old 14-05-2016, 00:07   #1298
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Women's Love Poem

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


Men's Love Poem

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.
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Old 14-05-2016, 00:21   #1299
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Re: The New Joke Thread

#MeanwhileInCyberspace..... Definitions:

THINGY (thing-ee) n..
Female....... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female.... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family!
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female..... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male....... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

AND

He said: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said: That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said: Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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Old 14-05-2016, 00:42   #1300
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Cruisers looking for extra boat cash might do well by checking out Craig'sList.
https://www.craigslist.org/about/sites. Lots of offers therein.

One example:

SEATTLE MAN, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30



You're welcome.
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Old 14-05-2016, 09:41   #1301
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Re: The New Joke Thread

With the onset of deer hunting season........ Here’s a question...

Looking forward to hunting season, but I do have a question. If I shoot a buck, but I only have a doe-tag, can I claim that the buck wasn’t really a buck? I mean... maybe he’d always wanted to be a doe, but with no choice of his own, he was born with the physical attributes of a male. And yet.... on the inside he’d always known he was truly a female. I’m just wondering if the game warden will buy it, because society and the Supreme Court do.








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Old 14-05-2016, 11:22   #1302
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Just wear your prettiest frock and he'll probably let you off with a warning.
You know what men are like...

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Old 14-05-2016, 11:44   #1303
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Got to see the video. A man asks his wife a question. . .
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Old 14-05-2016, 12:28   #1304
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by unclemack View Post
Just wear your prettiest frock and he'll probably let you off with a warning.
You know what men are like...

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Assuming the game warden is a man.
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Old 15-05-2016, 05:30   #1305
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Darn video technology. Here we go.
He & she reading in bed.
- He says to her: Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy & sad at the same time?
- She: Huh?
- He: I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy & sad at the same time?
- She: You have the biggest penis out of all your friends. . .
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